Stuck in the past and emotional eating...
EEpling89
Posts: 152
I feel like I have to get this out somehow and I don't feel comfortable talking about it with anyone I know, even my husband.
I think one of the main reasons I emotional eat so much is because I'm stuck in the past. My dad passed away in November of 2008. Before then, I was thin, pretty, and very confident. I had many friends and I was always out having fun. After my dad died, however, everything went downhill. I ate to ease the pain. I was withdrawn and separated myself from everyone and everything. I was in a somewhat abusive relationship with a guy named Jacob, who was prince charming before my dad passed, and then immediately afterwards, turned on me, saying that my dad's funeral (which was the day before Thanksgiving) wasn't important enough to leave his family (for the day) for. However, I stayed with him for months after that and just kept eating. I gained 50 pounds in about six months.
Anyway, back to the "past". Before my dad died, I dated a guy named Aaron for my senior year of high school and part of college. He was very clingy but also very doting and loving. We broke up the summer before my dad died because I was tired of him following me around like a needy puppy dog, but he showed up unexpectedly at my dad's funeral with open arms for me to fall into and cry. He brought me so much comfort on that day. He hooked up a couple times after that but never got back together, mainly because I couldn't handle his clinginess. He is now in a relationship with a wonderful girl who I've never met, but that everyone speaks highly of and who seems to care about him a lot. I am happy for him because I know I didn't give him what he needed, and it appears that she does. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he pops the question.
This brings me to the here and now. I met my husband, Justin, in the summer of 2009. He is the perfect guy for me. He loves me unconditionally and always shows it, but he's not afraid to tell me when I'm being stubborn or ridiculous, and I appreciate that. He keeps me grounded and down to earth. We enjoy the same things and want the same things, but we've both opened the other up to different worlds that we never knew existed before each other.
In the here and now, in 2012, I can't stop having dreams about Aaron; vivid, detailed dreams that last all night and leave me feeling upset and confused upon waking. I am always tempted to text him in the morning and see how he's doing now, as I haven't spoken to him in about 2 years. But I don't text him because I know it would crush my husband to hear any of this, and I'm a firm believer that if it's something you wouldn't want him to find out about, DON'T DO IT.
But I've solved the first part of this dilemma for you, and this is the MAIN reason why I don't contact him. I know I don't miss Aaron, personally. I miss THE WAY I FELT DURING THAT TIME WHEN I WAS WITH HIM. Back then, although I didn't know it at the time, I was the person I wanted to be, and he constantly reinforced that. He was genuinely grateful to call me his own and would tell it to anyone who would listen. I miss THAT. And don't get me wrong. My husband certainly does that, too. But he does it in a healthy way, not a desperate, doting way like Aaron did. And because of the time frame when I met Justin, I have NEVER been the person that I want to be since I've known him. I hate that, not only for me, but for him.
Make sense?
I'm not sure what advice I'm asking here. How do I get back to that place and that person I was? How do I stop having dreams (sometimes sexual) about my ex-boyfriend from YEARS ago with my darling husband sleeping right next to me? How do I stop emotional eating and being depressed because of all this?
If you're still reading, thank you.
I think one of the main reasons I emotional eat so much is because I'm stuck in the past. My dad passed away in November of 2008. Before then, I was thin, pretty, and very confident. I had many friends and I was always out having fun. After my dad died, however, everything went downhill. I ate to ease the pain. I was withdrawn and separated myself from everyone and everything. I was in a somewhat abusive relationship with a guy named Jacob, who was prince charming before my dad passed, and then immediately afterwards, turned on me, saying that my dad's funeral (which was the day before Thanksgiving) wasn't important enough to leave his family (for the day) for. However, I stayed with him for months after that and just kept eating. I gained 50 pounds in about six months.
Anyway, back to the "past". Before my dad died, I dated a guy named Aaron for my senior year of high school and part of college. He was very clingy but also very doting and loving. We broke up the summer before my dad died because I was tired of him following me around like a needy puppy dog, but he showed up unexpectedly at my dad's funeral with open arms for me to fall into and cry. He brought me so much comfort on that day. He hooked up a couple times after that but never got back together, mainly because I couldn't handle his clinginess. He is now in a relationship with a wonderful girl who I've never met, but that everyone speaks highly of and who seems to care about him a lot. I am happy for him because I know I didn't give him what he needed, and it appears that she does. I'm sure it's just a matter of time before he pops the question.
This brings me to the here and now. I met my husband, Justin, in the summer of 2009. He is the perfect guy for me. He loves me unconditionally and always shows it, but he's not afraid to tell me when I'm being stubborn or ridiculous, and I appreciate that. He keeps me grounded and down to earth. We enjoy the same things and want the same things, but we've both opened the other up to different worlds that we never knew existed before each other.
In the here and now, in 2012, I can't stop having dreams about Aaron; vivid, detailed dreams that last all night and leave me feeling upset and confused upon waking. I am always tempted to text him in the morning and see how he's doing now, as I haven't spoken to him in about 2 years. But I don't text him because I know it would crush my husband to hear any of this, and I'm a firm believer that if it's something you wouldn't want him to find out about, DON'T DO IT.
But I've solved the first part of this dilemma for you, and this is the MAIN reason why I don't contact him. I know I don't miss Aaron, personally. I miss THE WAY I FELT DURING THAT TIME WHEN I WAS WITH HIM. Back then, although I didn't know it at the time, I was the person I wanted to be, and he constantly reinforced that. He was genuinely grateful to call me his own and would tell it to anyone who would listen. I miss THAT. And don't get me wrong. My husband certainly does that, too. But he does it in a healthy way, not a desperate, doting way like Aaron did. And because of the time frame when I met Justin, I have NEVER been the person that I want to be since I've known him. I hate that, not only for me, but for him.
Make sense?
I'm not sure what advice I'm asking here. How do I get back to that place and that person I was? How do I stop having dreams (sometimes sexual) about my ex-boyfriend from YEARS ago with my darling husband sleeping right next to me? How do I stop emotional eating and being depressed because of all this?
If you're still reading, thank you.
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Replies
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Having been in an abusive relationship can really mess you up mentally. It happened to me 30 years ago when I was in college, and I still have strange reactions to things because of that abusive relationship. I've been happily married for 27 years now. Sometimes it just feels better putting down your feelings on paper or in a post such as this. I write a lot of things down and afterward feel better about it. If I try to talk about certain things, I just start crying and then nothing gets accomplished.
As for the dreams, I'd say don't worry about that. You can't control what you dream about. My husband always has weird dreams, some sexual in nature and others not. He tells me about them (sometimes in the middle of the night.:yawn: ) Personally I've never been one to remember the majority of my dreams. And, I'm glad it doesn't happen very often. On the occasion that I do remember them, they seem to involve the death of or an injury of some sort to my kids. :sad:
Also, I think it's smart of you not to text Aaron. Be happy for him without actually contacting him. Who knows, his new girlfriend might find out and then you're innocent text could be the cause of troubles between them.
Good luck and I hope you feel better. You can add me as a friend if you'd like. :flowerforyou:0 -
Don't put too much stock in your dreams--they might not be telling you anything. We don't know exactly why dreams exist, but some theorize that dreams are a means to keep you on your toes and react quickly based on what we learned from past events. apparently, sometimes that includes sexy dreams. It happens and it's nothing to feel shameful about.
I think it's good to consider how Aaron's clinginess made you act. I would focus on why you long for the unhealthy ways Aaron showed affection. Consider how his actions would force you to respond--I assume that's probably what you miss. It sounds like you might also be attributing your success in your past self to your relationship with Aaron. Did Aaron make you the person you wanted to be or did you do that? I suspect you were the architect of your success and he was just one of the many support structures. Just like how your father was a support structure--probably a major support structure. That's not going to make you stop emotional eating, but it may help you identify one element of the overall struggle. You need to take one thing at a time, and that might be a good place to start.0 -
Like the other posters said, dreams happen and there is no reason for you to feel guilty. You might even get to the place where you can secretly enjoy the dream time like you were in a movie of your own making! But it is just a dream, don't confuse it with real life.
Consider this: you have started a major self-improvement project which includes weight loss and healthy food and habits--even healthy thoughts. But you said you have never been your "real self" during the whole time you've known your husband. These dreams could be expressing your anxiety about changing. What if you get back to who you want to be, and then your husband doesn't want you anymore? Aaron is there in your dreams to represent a partner who loves the real you unconditionally. You want to be reassured that your husband will still be there for you 100% all thru this process and for the rest of your life.
If this seems to strike a chord, it would be a good idea to discuss your thougths with your hubby (with or without the dreams, that's up to you). Let him know that you don't think he's ever known the "Real" you, and that you're afraid he won't like you if he meets you! This is the kind of fear that will keep you stagnant as long as it's bothering you.
Good luck!0 -
First of all, thank you for sharing such a personal moment and struggle with the MFP community. We are stronger together than we are apart. I would also like to commend you for independently coming to the conclusion that what you desire most is YOU...the YOU that you were during that time frame that you were involved with Aaron.
I think this is a vitally important point because many of us have had traumatic experiences in our lives, and somewhere in the pain, we lost ourselves. For you, it was your Father's death, for some it is economic disaster, unemployment, or dysfunctional childhoods.
I think an important step toward our healing is that we give ourselves permission to get back in touch with our authentic selves. I think you're missing the passion and joy in life that previously brought you confidence and purpose. I highly recommend you go to Oprah.com, Lifeclass, and watch the lifeclass with Iyanla Vanzant about moving beyond pain. Also, you might find the Lifeclass with T.D. Jakes beneficial...this one is about finding your purpose.
I hope this helps some
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