Heavy Friends
PeachyPlum
Posts: 1,243 Member
Okay, I'm going there. I mentioned it in another post, but feel like it deserves its own thread.
Do you have heavy friends who aren't trying to get in shape, or aren't trying as hard as you are? How do you handle it? I have a pair of good friends that I get together to walk with several times a week. They are both looking to lose some weight and that is great. Sometimes we eat dinner together, taking turns eating a healthy meal from various healthy living cookbooks. It should be great, except...
I'm 5 - 10 pounds over my ideal weight and not physically fit, while they are both overweight to the point that they can only shop at plus=size stores. As a result they would "kill to look like" me. If I do anything that suggests I am trying to lose weight, they look at me like I have just grown a unicorn horn and started speaking Japanese.
The other night we ate together, and my friend made a knockoff recipe that took an old favorite at 1200 calories per serving and reworked it at 300 calories per serving. I would estimate that they each ate 3 servings of the entree, while I only took one. They kept saying "is that all you're going to eat... it's only 300 calories." I didn't care to explain to them that what was on my plate was within my caloric plan for dinner that night. They also kept pouring more wine, and while I do enjoy a glass of wine, I hadn't saved any calories for that.
Then the coconut cake came out, which my friend had made from scratch. Of course, I felt like I couldn't turn down a small piece without offending them, not only that I didn't want cake, but that the implied message was that they shouldn't be eating it either.
Surely I can't be the only one who runs into this! What do ya'll do? Do you just stick to your diet and if it makes them feel bad that the skinny girl is only having a salad, tough luck? Or do you avoid eating with friends and meet up with them after the meal? Or do you save calories like a demon so you can use them all up with your friends?
HELP!
Do you have heavy friends who aren't trying to get in shape, or aren't trying as hard as you are? How do you handle it? I have a pair of good friends that I get together to walk with several times a week. They are both looking to lose some weight and that is great. Sometimes we eat dinner together, taking turns eating a healthy meal from various healthy living cookbooks. It should be great, except...
I'm 5 - 10 pounds over my ideal weight and not physically fit, while they are both overweight to the point that they can only shop at plus=size stores. As a result they would "kill to look like" me. If I do anything that suggests I am trying to lose weight, they look at me like I have just grown a unicorn horn and started speaking Japanese.
The other night we ate together, and my friend made a knockoff recipe that took an old favorite at 1200 calories per serving and reworked it at 300 calories per serving. I would estimate that they each ate 3 servings of the entree, while I only took one. They kept saying "is that all you're going to eat... it's only 300 calories." I didn't care to explain to them that what was on my plate was within my caloric plan for dinner that night. They also kept pouring more wine, and while I do enjoy a glass of wine, I hadn't saved any calories for that.
Then the coconut cake came out, which my friend had made from scratch. Of course, I felt like I couldn't turn down a small piece without offending them, not only that I didn't want cake, but that the implied message was that they shouldn't be eating it either.
Surely I can't be the only one who runs into this! What do ya'll do? Do you just stick to your diet and if it makes them feel bad that the skinny girl is only having a salad, tough luck? Or do you avoid eating with friends and meet up with them after the meal? Or do you save calories like a demon so you can use them all up with your friends?
HELP!
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Replies
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I wish I had the answer! Odds are, I would probably end up being more like the last option -- exercising and saving up calories for the "splurge" of going out with them. For example, last weekend everyone wanted to go out for all you can eat Korean barbecue. Luckily it was a lunch date, so I enjoyed myself with them and didn't eat much else the rest of the day. (I think it was a 1000-cal or more lunch anyway!!)
It depends on your friends too -- have you tried being upfront about this concern? Would they take it the wrong way?0 -
I don't know what to tell you either, as I am not a very social person. I do have larger friends, but we don't hang out very much. I mainly hang out with guys anyway.
I do understand your pain though in the sense of you're a skinny girl trying to lose weight, and everyone's all, "Oh, you look just fine!" I hate that. Yes, I do look fine, I really do, but I want to look better and I want to *feel* better.0 -
This has been my biggest struggle in my weight loss journey so far...my "bigger friends" constantly telling md i dobt understand what its like to be over weight and i dont need to lose weight or like you said, "i would love to be your size." SO FRUSTRATING. I love my friends and know they think theybare helping, but it doesnt help. It only makes me think well i guess i wont ever lose this weight or i think, "well i can eat this one candy bar because im not that big." I tell my friends to stop making comment like that. Some one them have stopped but most still say how skinny they think i am.
I try to explain thatvmy bmi says im slighly overweight, but the think those things dont really work or matter. Anyways im lucky to have a really slinny husband who, while he constanly encourages me and tells me how beautiful i am, he also supports me on this weight loss journey.
But with my friends i just dont talk about my weight loss and if theybask i tell them im trying to be healthy for when become a mom so i can teach my child how to be healthy. I also save up calories when i know im gonna be hanging out with them. That way i can eat a little more, and not have them commenting all night. and im usually tempted to eat more around them anyhow.
Dont give up. You know your own body and what it needs. Im trying to constanly tell myself the same thing.0 -
Don't change what you are doing. You are an example for them. Hopefully, they will get the message. But, if you begin to eat as they do then they will not learn the right way.0
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I definitely don't want to put my fitness at risk, but it's just... awkward. I don't want to hurt feelings or look holier-than-thou.
Like, if I'm 10 pounds overweight, and you're 60 pounds overweight, and I only eat a tiny slice of cake, am I insinuating that you're pigging out?0 -
I really love that someone posted this topic because I think you run into this all the time with friends of any size....really what it boils down to is they are jealous that you have the self-control to say no, and they don't.
In terms of what you should do, keep doing what you are doing, don't let them pressure you into making bad choices for yourself that you don't want to make.
For myself, I have one "reward meal" per week where I allow myself to eat anything I want for dinner - this is either Friday or Saturday night ( I can be flexible) but my friends know that if they want to go out for dinner or whatever that I am only making "unhealthy" choices on this night - if its any other night I am still game for getting together however I will either bring my own food, or have people over and I will cook a healthy meal....Now I definitely still get bugged by my friends like "oh come on its just 1 cookie" or "you look great, why does it matter" and my response to that is - do you think I got here by eating cookies? :laugh:0 -
"Do you think I got here by eating cookies?"
That is a great response.0 -
Honestly, this shouldn't need to be a worry to you. That's great y'all can exercise and cook healthy meals together, but don't stress or eat more to please them. This YOUR life and YOUR health. Hopefully by you sticking to your portions and no dessert you can inspire them to do the same. When I go out to eat with friends and order something healthy while they eat what they want, they usually say they wish they had my discipline. I'm sorry but I will not risk my diet to please others and neither should you. How you eat shouldn't affect your friendship at all!0
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I've definitely been there, so I know how you feel. I guess with my acid reflux, I've got an easy out because a lot of the foods they'd choose to eat, I can't eat. So personally I just say eff it and eat what I'm going to eat, and if they don't like it, tough luck. My body can't handle all the fried food and what not, so I cannot eat it. Then again, I've always eaten a "normal" portion size, which people always freak out about. They always think something is wrong with me when actually the problem (at least here, I'm not going to assume everyone is from the US, but I am, so) is that portion sizes are so out of control. Keep eating a normal portion size and maybe one day it will occur to them to take after you a bit. (Hey, it's working slowly on my dad.)
Though, I'm also not super strict about my intake and what not, half of the reason I'm keeping track of what I'm eating is to look for potential migraine triggers and the other half is to try and learn what a healthy diet looks like. (Cause that's something my parents didn't exactly teach me, haha.)
Good luck to you!0 -
:flowerforyou: PurpleStarKat, I have to agree with you about portion control. We, in the US, really do not know what a serving looks like. From what I have heard people in other countries are shocked by how large our meals are. And, then we have the Super Size junk.
I don't see where the fact that some people are genetically doom to be heavy. Look at their parents, grandparents. There can be a pattern there. I know that my mom was quite heavy but my dad was thin. My two sister most certainly are built like mom but I have the tendency to follow after my dad's side of the family. I have been very heavy but I really only need to lose about 10 pounds at this time.0 -
I usually use the excuse that "Oh, I'm not very hungry" and if I do get crap for not eating more I just explain its how I "maintain" the way I look. Some people don't understand what it takes to maintain and to lose when you are closer to your goal weight.0
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The best thing you can do for those friends is speak up and lead by example. Openly refuse the sweets and clearly state that it's because you're trying to become healthier.
I have run into the "you're anorexic" issue on several occasions in the past (when I weighed the goal weight I'm looking to return to) from one friend in particular, who is actually not overweight, but not quite as thin as I was. The crazy even stood outside the bathroom door at one party to see if I was vomiting!!!! LOL My grandma always tried to force-feed me, even as recently as this past Christmas, too! Fortunately I was born with a big mouth, both literally and figuratively, and I have no problem speaking up for myself in this area.
To the "I'm big boned" or "genetically predisposed to be overweight" fans, as my Dad once said "Have you ever seen a fat concentration camp victim?".0 -
To the "I'm big boned" or "genetically predisposed to be overweight" fans, as my Dad once said "Have you ever seen a fat concentration camp victim?".
True dat! I always think when I hear ppl say they've tried everything and they just don't lose weight, I think "wow... so you are so superhuman that you are incapable of starving to death!" it might sound harsh but I care not... due to the fact that there are ppl starving in this world, due to the disproportionate distribution of food. Those that say they cannot lose weight are not trying hard enough. And when I see their food diaries it's obvious. I have heavy friends that I cannot discuss weight with. Due to the fact that I class my "fat" self as a uk size 12, when that is their goal size. Funny aswell how I used to get constant ribbing at work for eating constantly, which made me feel uncomfortable when I was a uk size 10, but you're not allowed to say the same to a fat person for fear of being classed as a bully! Lol0 -
I can't say that I really run into people like that. However, when the topic of nutrition comes up, I don't lie - I'm pretty anal about what I do or don't put into my body. It has nothing to do with wanting to lose weight, it's about health. I make healthy choices. I doubt people think I "don't need to", I think that they realize by looking at me that making healthy choices pays off.0
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I definitely don't want to put my fitness at risk, but it's just... awkward. I don't want to hurt feelings or look holier-than-thou.
Like, if I'm 10 pounds overweight, and you're 60 pounds overweight, and I only eat a tiny slice of cake, am I insinuating that you're pigging out?
I'm of the belief that only words or looks can make that insinuation.
eg;
-Saying, "oh no! I'd feel like a pig if I ate a bigger slice!" is insinuating.
-Giving an eyebrow raise at the portion they take compared to yours is insinuating.
Simply taking a smaller slice is about you not them. They can assume it's because you want to lose weight, or assume it's because you're full, or assume it's because you don't like it - that's on them. You don't have to justify your choices, and really, you should not unless there is no food in the room. - I find that having discussions about healthy eating is best when there are not plates and options to look at and use as examples.
If they are insistent, as you say, and exclaim, "is that all you're going to eat? Each serving is only 300 calories!" it's okay to give non-judgemental information such as, "oh, well, for my BMR and activity level, I should only have xxxxcalories a day." It doesn't judge how much they're eating - in fact, if they're larger than you, their BMR will allow them more calories, so in the end they can justify more portions if they so choose. Just keep in mind that you don't have to tell them you're trying to lose weight..0 -
This happens to me a lot. There is a reason why I'm thin and that I look good; I work at it. People assume that because I'm thin I can eat whatever I want, whenever I want. The exact opposite is true. (Now I do have my "cheat items" which are mainly ice cream, vodka martinis, beer, and the occasional burger, etc.)
I vividly remember what it was like to shop in the plus-sized section or to hear things like "you would be so pretty if you could just lose some weight" and I sure as hell don't ever want to go back there. If that means offending people by eating healthy or feeling uncomfortable because others judge my food choices then so be it. That sounds much better than trying to stuff 230 lbs into a pair of size 16 jeans.
Nowadays, I stay true to myself and say "No" to a lot. It is actually quite liberating. If I was to eat tofu and a side salad then that is my business. I'm not going to eat dessert if I don't want to. I also sometimes order cake or a dessert just to take a few bites and I throw the rest away, which some people get angry about as well.
Just my 2 cents. I think you need to do what is best for you!! :flowerforyou:0 -
I don't have heavy friends, but my girlfriend is slightly overweight. She actually ENJOYS running, and she has me there cooking delicious healthy meals all the time, but she would rather be inactive and eat junk food. I just stick to my plan and occasionally indulge in her desire to order a pizza or something. Although she would like to lose weight right now, she has other priorities that always come first and that's ok.0
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I actually have issues with a few of my friends. I have my flatmate who seems to wish to eat better with me, but then drifts from it (or complains when I don't give her 'enough' food). She's tried all sorts of things and gives me the evil eye when I lose weight. She then politely requests (or demands) sweet foods and wonders why I won't eat too many. I have another friend who has asked me to help her lose weight but will likely cause me more stress by ignoring advice and complain when things don't work. The hardest bit is a guy who I know fancies me who doesn't force food into me but seems to look at me like I'm some sort of abhorrent person for not eating more than one burrito at one of the Qdoba type places (yes, let that sink in).
It's rough because they all seem to want junk food. I'm not against occasional overdoing it, but I have issues turning things down. None seem to realise how much work I put in to get here.
I'm not making much sense but I needed to let the rant out a little.0
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