There is so much good advice on this thread that I totally agree with ) Especially that we are ALL worth so so much more than numbers... numbers of calories or the number on the scale.

Razique, I totally get why your strength training helped you so much. When I was in recovery I reached a healthy weight but I was still struggling a lot mentally (and truth be told I gained weight mostly by b/ping, not by healthy means). But then I found the strength to leave home and get a job on a sail boat. It was hard to cope at first but I loved it so much that eventually I stopped worrying about food almost entirely. I know that not everyone can just take off like I did. But having non food oriented goals (for me it was to progress with my sailing qualifications) can really help.

I am by no means completely better - if you have suffered from EDs then maybe you can never truly escape them? But I feel so, so, so much stronger and healthier now that I am treating my body with respect. I think back to when I was always cold, weak, depressed and tired - and STARVING hungry - and I think, never again.

To all of you who are still locked into a battle with anorexia - I send my love to you and hope that you can stay strong. The road to recovery is not an easy one and neither is life after an ED - but it is much, much better than giving in and being controlled by those ED voices. I promise that if you start to look after your body then it will repay you with energy and strength, both mental and physical.

Thanks a lot Ella :-) Nocturnal and Transfixed are doing great lately, for both of you, congratulations :-)

I'd like you to think about the pleasant part that comes along with eating disorder. There are imho two ways of seeing the ED :

- The first side of the coin, is the worst one, it blocks us from sleeping well, for being able to think things through, but to feel miserable and dirty. That part is the well known by people who only read there and that stuff about EDers, and think we do it purposely. It is in fact the face that smashes us before even noticing it : pain, suffer, loneliness, and swings with food

- The second side is the shape of a peaceful garden that the ED takes. There is a part of pleasure and the seek for self-realisation towards that side.
Why would you last in that side, does it worths the first side ?

Definitely, just be strong enough to have faith in you, and keep eating your sweets salads. The feeling I had was :
"Ok it's getting more and more complicated..." :Ddays are tougher, and every day was getting worse than the previous one. In the end, it was some sort of weird circus where I didn't know what I was doing anymore.

I was supposed to lose weight, not ending crying in my bed, looking for some desperate help. I learned that battle requires personal strength. People can tell you where Rome is, not take you there.

But we didn't reply to my last question :

I'd like you to think about the pleasant part that comes along with eating disorder. There are imho two ways of seeing the ED :

- The first side of the coin, is the worst one, it blocks us from sleeping well, for being able to think things through, but to feel miserable and dirty. That part is the well known by people who only read there and that stuff about EDers, and think we do it purposely. It is in fact the face that smashes us before even noticing it : pain, suffer, loneliness, and swings with food

- The second side is the shape of a peaceful garden that the ED takes. There is a part of pleasure and the seek for self-realisation towards that side.
Why would you last in that side, does it worths the first side ?

Okay well I hope that this time it's going to go away for good, all the other times in the many years previously I didn't really try hard enough and would just go back to starving myself. How did you deal with the fact that it was getting tougher?

A remember a day I was very week (few months back), like ****ing tired, and very pale. I just felt that was too much, and what for in te end ? Walking like a zombie, and doze-off 20 minutes after my trainings started. That picture of me was just disgusting, and I decided to move on the other way, gain weight, but via muscles, and not to lose anymore fat on the few left. So only traces the ED was leaving behind it was only dust and pain. I then decided to go to see a nutritionist. The first one sucked, an old-school one who only told me "you need to eat more", as if I didn't know that. I gave another shot and found one for sportsmen who gave me a program and left me free to apply it my own rythm, my own way. It involved a lot of foods I usually didn't eat (carbs, butter, 20% fat french cheese, read meat, etc...) the first days was not in adequation with the program, but I ended to apply it, pushing on both cardio and strength with only vegies as carb intakes wasn't sustainable. Not to mention the growing passion to nutrition that helped me to figure wood was just energy. Well-disposed, it can helps to develop a body. people get fat because they pig out on food in front of their TVs everyday. This is so not what we are doing, the body is always in activity, meaning it disposes cleverly of that energy. That was basically my way to move the piece of concrete

And I totally understand what you mean by being supposed to lose weight but instead being depressed and looking for help, I feel the same. I will try to work on my personal strength. One problem that keeps going around my head is that if I increase my calories, I will gain weight and that freaks me out so much.

It still scares me to gain FAT, the weight itself doesn't mean anything. Like Jess wisely says, : we are not numbers.
What for the Life of your body 80 or 79 lbs mean ? nothing, what matters is how you dispose of these lbs and what they are made off. In one another measure, since we know water and lotta factor mess with that figure, it is more interesting to use the mirror. In front of it, I prefer to see me now, well developed rather than as white as my protein powders.

Okay wit1h your question, are you saying that both sides are EDs? So even after recovering, we still have traces of ED left? Well currently the first side is what I see, it brings me unhappiness, pain, suffering, loneliness and swings with food. But I can also understand the second side, but doesn't that only occur while on the way to recovery? I want to be able to have the peaceful side things. I want to last on that side but I don't know why I would because I sometimes fall backwards and the process of recovery starts from the beginning again. I can never seem to reach the point where I have continuously seeked self-realisation. I will last this time I think.. I want to get better for good now, I don't want to turn back. It is worth the first side, the first side only brings depression.

In fact, not really, once you'll be out of there, the feeling of relief it will give you would push you even more to fix all the sides that are negative and self-destructive ones. When I started to eat more, I said "cool; I sleep better", then "woaw, I'm not weak everyday", then "woaw, I can perform better", then "waw, muscles are growing", and i started then to remove all the factors that would piss me off and give me the feeling of wasting my time .I lost my time when I cut down on friends to avoid a beer or a restaurant.

Being convinced to make the right decisions when it comes to sel-destruction motives brings nothing but our own loss.

I used to feel like a puppet, being controlled and driven by the ED, sleeping and waking up being ****ed up, and even unable to control my actions, for instance it was a pain to see that I was only putting a few grams of rice (I remember these 25 grams of carbs), and i also had the feeling of drowing. I was like this :


You told me you "felt" it was now the time. What feelings do you have on a daily basis ?

How did you get yourself to go the other way and see a nutritionist? Because I've experienced many days where I'd get blackouts, lose balance, feel weak, etc but I didn't care because my desire to be super thin is too strong. Did it just happen randomly? I do want to get better but I still want to lose lots and lots of weight.

I fear both fat gain and weight gain though. Weight means something to me, I do not like the number I see, I want to be sooo much lighter. Even gaining water weight scares me, which might happen by increasing my calories. And as for the mirror, I see a fat person in the mirror. My bones need to stick out a lot more than it already is.

It gives me hope that you tell me that positive thoughts have gone into your mind. I cannot stand the negative thoughts that are racing through my mind every second of the day. Hmm it's hard to look into the positives though because I just feel so fat when I increase my calories. I did notice that I feel like I have more energy on days where I eat 600 calories than on days where I have 200. I also closed off all my friends and family, I cannot associate with them any more. I also ruined all my studies and my future may suffer too.

I feel a lack of control from what I'm going through as well but I gain control when I get to starve myself or purge, I know I shouldn't though. However you mention being a puppet of an ED... I do not believe I have an ED, many people have said I do but I honestly don't. No-one fat like me can have an ED, even if it's psychological.

Yes I feel like I need to get better because it's been practically 7 years since this all truly began, it goes on and off but it never healed. I am at a stage of life where my future is being determined now and I cannot destroy my future because of this.
On a daily basis, I constantly call myself fat. What frustrates me though is that others say I'm not but they must be lying. Because I am fat, food is unnecessary to me and I feel I can live without it. I also feel helpless and lost in life.

I want to get better, this depresses me so much sometimes that I want to cry.

I just told myself that I was pushing enough, my life was already messed up enough.
I dunno Nocturnal, I guess for everybody, when things happen it's a whole. It took less time for some, more for others, in the end, what really matters i guess it's keeping the faith in you. maybe find it.

Now that I think of, by accepting that I am who I am, it helped me. Self-destruction starts when one doesn't accept who he is. The image the mirror was willing to gave me went that way . When I accepted myself, with my high and low phases, it's like everything started to make sense. Going the other would have been the worst thing to do.

My friend with the ED (now in the hospital) told me "the only reason i'm still alive today it's because I'm too weak to kill myself." What kind of weakness was she talking about ? Does it require strength for being healthy ? Doest Life requires strength.
Weren't we as strong as everybody when we decided to live, and see for us things to come ?

You yourself noticed how it was ruining your future, it ruined part of mine since now I'lve lost so many people. that's the problem when it comes to personal nervosas, no matter their kind. Everything happens way more quicker than anticipated.

You told me now you came with a strong plan, what does it look like ?

Did your goals helped you so far ?

What benefits came out from them ?
What is your next move ?

I'm with you, and that is great that at least you are realizing you can't just mess with that. much people died because of that, much girls or boys still every day. Some can't have children, others can't walk anymore.
This is where the "energy" comes into play: you eat ; you can live, you don't, you die.

For your next move, there are two ways of seeing it :
- it could be the pain and the felling to be even more fat to come
- a chance you have to be still alive. It's all about avoiding death, may sound rude, but you know what I'm talking about after we PMed yesterday. Eating 500 or 1000 won't change a thing at the moment on the feeling you'll still have towards you.
So at least, eat more for giving your body the opportunity to live.

you know, when I started to bulk, I was scared to gain fat, you remember ?
in fact, there were days I stopped to eat when I was feeling bloated, even if I was way under my calorie goals. And it led to nothing. When we want something to change sometimes, we work our *kitten* off.

You told you wasn't able to stick to your goals, I had the feeling you didn't really believed in them pretty soon. I could be wrong on that, but you are like me : I was saying i can gain while I'm eating and trying. I wasn't really trying. , I was still scared.

Same before the nutritionist, I said I want things to change, I wasn't ready until the episode you read in my blog.
I remember that morning, I really said "ok damn; what's the point". Days were harsh meanwhile, but see it here as a necessary difficulty for the best to come. You have a job waiting for you, you could be a performer, but you need to be free from these chains.

Nocturnal, if I could give you the feeling I had when I've been able to move on, trust me, I would.
unfortunately, you are the only owner of your life, such a privileges carries it's load of strength and self-determination when it comes to success.

wow well done guys this thread is great!! unfortunately for me its not working out as well !! they wont do much for me at the moment because according to them i am not underweight and therefore i am not "critical" so they have left me in the hands of my doctor who i have to see for weigh ins and blood tests once a week (booo) my kidneys are being naughty hence the blood tests!! most days i feel like giving up on it all but hopefully someday someone will take an interest and hopefully it wont be too late for me!!

Hello and welcome luvlyjanny
What are you fighting against ?

EDNOS and tend to swing more towards anorexia although i have bad binge and purge days... I lost a lot of weight which is how my doctor caught on!! i am still overweight though which is the most frustrating part of this!! its such a struggle but i feel like it gets me nowhere

When did it started, and do you know why ?

That's true. I kept thinking that nothing will ever happen to me and I can starve myself forever if I wanted to. But in reality there were health problems, relationships issues, studies/school issues, etc.

I will try to increase my calories but I'm so so scared that I'll become fat I don't want that. I know that I need to do what is best for me and what is right but my desire to be thin is so strong. I feel depressed because I am fat. That is why every time I increase my calories a little bit, I never stay up, I go back down to very low calories again. That's what I scared about as well, if I increase it, I go back down so the effort was a waste. It happened many times throughout the year where I'd try and improve and then fall again. It's a cycle. How do I prevent this cycle this time?

I hope that happens to me too. There are things that are more important in life right now that I know I should focus on but I still prioritise weight loss/starving as number one even though I shouldn't.

and again you won't. You would need to eat around 4500 calories everyday during a month of two for gaining several lbs.
but you already know that :-)
I related the move-on move-back driven by fear, you just need that little extra-push that will make you hold strong to it.
In order to prevent the cycle, you need to face your fear to gaining weight, that is somehow a comforting place, I used to see the weight I was in as a reassuring one, as if being in that range will make feel better, but we all know that zones keeps coming down, and it' is more and more harder to sustain it. Moreover, what does that zone brings : nothing but the feeling to feel safe. Of course, it is no more than a fake safety. You also know that circle is a vicious one, see what price it comes with. You won't live this your whole life, will you ?
Big moves brake the circle, that is why I suggested to hit high, and see how you handle that. No secrets, as long as you complain in that zone, nothing will change.
Though I think you are yourself in the good position, you are on that famous rope, and the choices you will make will determine your success, consider the last attempt as a way to prove yourself you can make decisions, for that second one, use the previous feelings and thoughts to make it more successfull.

Do you fear changes in Life ? : like moving, taking a new course, updating your bedroom, etc...