So sad...
Katefab26
Posts: 865
This weekend I drove three hours to visit a (male) friend of mine with whom I've been friends for about ten years. He was one of the first people I met in college (yay freshman music theory!), and is now working on a master's in composition. We talked all the time. I never thought anything of it, just enjoyed having a comfortable, easy friendship with him. Nothing physical ever happened...until my birthday this past fall. Then we ended up kind of cuddling on the couch and he told me that he'd had feelings for me for years. I was kind of in shock, but was open to it. We've talked about it since then, and decided this past weekend would be a good weekend to get together. Odd side note, my brother actually told me I should date this kid, which he never does, so I had relationship on the brain, as it were.
Well, I got there Friday, we talked, held hands and kissed on the couch (I was a complete lady :smooched: ). I thought things were great! I went to his rehearsals the next day, met all his friends, and then drove with him to his lessons. On the way, I brought up what happened and asked what he was thinking. Long story short, he told me that I'm an awesome person, but he doesn't want a relationship. Even that I could have handled pretty well, but then he came right out and told me he started talking to his ex six days ago and he didn't want to tell me because he was afraid I wouldn't come see him.
I honestly don't even know what to do. Half of me is so unbelievably angry with him I want to cut off all communication entirely, the other half is just so heartbroken that ten years of friendship obviously meant nothing to him if he was willing to give it all up that easily. I'm just happy it didn't get any further than it did. What do you guys think?
Sorry guys, I know this is depressing, but it's been bothering me for days. Maybe I just need some virtual hugs? Lol :flowerforyou:
Well, I got there Friday, we talked, held hands and kissed on the couch (I was a complete lady :smooched: ). I thought things were great! I went to his rehearsals the next day, met all his friends, and then drove with him to his lessons. On the way, I brought up what happened and asked what he was thinking. Long story short, he told me that I'm an awesome person, but he doesn't want a relationship. Even that I could have handled pretty well, but then he came right out and told me he started talking to his ex six days ago and he didn't want to tell me because he was afraid I wouldn't come see him.
I honestly don't even know what to do. Half of me is so unbelievably angry with him I want to cut off all communication entirely, the other half is just so heartbroken that ten years of friendship obviously meant nothing to him if he was willing to give it all up that easily. I'm just happy it didn't get any further than it did. What do you guys think?
Sorry guys, I know this is depressing, but it's been bothering me for days. Maybe I just need some virtual hugs? Lol :flowerforyou:
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Replies
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Oh wow. I'm so sorry this happened to you! I don't even know what to tell you (but you know me... I'll come up with something, lol).
{{{{{hugs}}}}0 -
I wish I could say something that would make it all sensible to you but there is nothing.
Yes he was a jerk and even decent people can be when they are overwhelmed with emotions.
There is no doubt that he was holding a torch for her and you happened at the wrong time,seems often the story of all our lives...wrong time,wrong place and we just miss something.
Take some solace though in that he probably didn`t intend to hurt you,was at least somewhat up front and honest about things early on and that in the long run him and her will never work out.
Sorry for the hurt,it will go away but will take time.0 -
So two questions come to mind.. if it was last fall why did you wait so long? If I was in that position I might have given up too
Second, if he has had feelings for you for years I'd really follow-up on it... maybe just needs a little kick in the *kitten*.0 -
Seems like he's not really sure what he wants deep down. What will you do if things don't work out with this other girl and he wants to try it again with you? Will you be waiting for him or was this the last straw?0
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Getting lead on all prior to a 3hr one way trip is quite raw. I mean you two were kissing n stuffs? Dude sounds like a flake. He at least owed you some true intentions prior to you making the trip with other things in mind. I wouldn't be so quick to X him from your life (as friends) though. Think it through first.0
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Since you've known him a long time, is he the type of person to stick to things or is he flighty and moves quickly between ideas that pop into his head. It sounds like he might be the latter in general so it probably wouldn't work out anyway. Then again maybe I'm reading more into what you wrote.
Either way, you deserve better, so hugs!!0 -
I'm upset for you that you drove 3 hours to face that news. But maybe he thought it was better to tell you in person or he felt guilty and had to come clean about the ex. I think after 10 years and his confession of feelings for you he owes you more... at the very least you deserve more... even if it's not from him.
Lots of ::: hugs :::0 -
So two questions come to mind.. if it was last fall why did you wait so long? If I was in that position I might have given up too
Second, if he has had feelings for you for years I'd really follow-up on it... maybe just needs a little kick in the *kitten*.
There were a lot of reasons it took so long. I was out of work for a long time and just didn't have the money to do anything, and he is an incredibly busy person. In fact, most of the weekend was spent going to his rehearsals and performances.
I don't know about following up on his admitting to having feelings for me. He is not a bad person, and I didn't want to come across as bashing him, but at the same time, I'm hurting. I asked him to give me some space, and I'm not planning to cut him out of my life (I've known him for far too long), but I don't think I'm willing to give dating him another chance right now :ohwell:Since you've known him a long time, is he the type of person to stick to things or is he flighty and moves quickly between ideas that pop into his head.
Hahaha omg do you know him? Yes, he is very much like that, however, we have managed to maintain a pretty steady friendship throughout the years, so he can focus if it's important enough for him...0 -
I'm sorry you have to undergo this after a decade of friendship. Sounds like this guy was only looking for a rebound & you happened to be the unlucky one. Obviously that guy isn't into you because as j4nash said why wait for so long & also he should have made more effort about it than just by letting you know.
Depending on the deepness of your friendship, I think its better to cut the communication lines temporarily until you completely forget all your feelings for him. Although I know that things will never be the same again because of what happened.0 -
Since you've known him a long time, is he the type of person to stick to things or is he flighty and moves quickly between ideas that pop into his head.
Hahaha omg do you know him? Yes, he is very much like that, however, we have managed to maintain a pretty steady friendship throughout the years, so he can focus if it's important enough for him...
Then its not surprising at all why he did that to you. Lesson learned here is: use both your heart & mind when making decisions & not just to follow what your heart says0 -
Since you've known him a long time, is he the type of person to stick to things or is he flighty and moves quickly between ideas that pop into his head.Hahaha omg do you know him? Yes, he is very much like that, however, we have managed to maintain a pretty steady friendship throughout the years, so he can focus if it's important enough for him...
I have an amazing intuition about people when I hear stories... except when it comes to my own life :grumble:
My guess is your friendship is important to him and he will come back around in that capacity after some time to clear his head. I am sorry that things didn't work out romantically for you though. :flowerforyou:0 -
I think it's just a timing issue. Sounds like you have a deep connection through your friendship, which in time will move into something more now that he knows you are interested. Be patient, but not a doormat!
Good luck.0 -
Follow your heart, pack your brain!
What a bummer though, sucks when stuff like that happens. Sounds like a typical creative person, I have friend like that, great at the stuff he's into.. sucks at general life stuff and relationships.0 -
Well, I wouldn't get down on the friendship meaning nothing to him because I'm not really sure what other way he could have handled it.
Seems to me that fall was a long time ago. The distance between you created an 'out of sight, out of mind' scenario. His ex comes along and he's smitten again (which often happens with ex's). You're due to arrive in 6 days time, he's not quite sure what capacity, cos it's been months since your 'encounter', so no need to cancel. You arrive and you kiss n cuddle. He comes clean.
The guy at least was honest! (Not that I'm praising him for that!)
Put it this way, I've known situations where he could have just taken advantage of the situation, slept with you, let you go home again and THEN said he met his ex and doesnt want a relationship cos his ex is back on the scene.............
So yeah, bad timing in one way, but good timing in another. You at least know that his romantic feelings are fickle, but his friendship feelings are solid :flowerforyou:
Rejection hurts in any situation. But you will dust yourself off and find someone that's into you romantically. And this guy will be a great friend again. Sometimes these 2 things (lovers and friends) cross over for the wrong reasons. I'd say that this guy isnt right for you romantically, for loads of reasons. Think about it.........
((((((((hugs)))))))))0 -
Well, I wouldn't get down on the friendship meaning nothing to him because I'm not really sure what other way he could have handled it.
Seems to me that fall was a long time ago. The distance between you created an 'out of sight, out of mind' scenario. His ex comes along and he's smitten again (which often happens with ex's). You're due to arrive in 6 days time, he's not quite sure what capacity, cos it's been months since your 'encounter', so no need to cancel. You arrive and you kiss n cuddle. He comes clean.
The guy at least was honest! (Not that I'm praising him for that!)
Put it this way, I've known situations where he could have just taken advantage of the situation, slept with you, let you go home again and THEN said he met his ex and doesnt want a relationship cos his ex is back on the scene.............
So yeah, bad timing in one way, but good timing in another. You at least know that his romantic feelings are fickle, but his friendship feelings are solid :flowerforyou:
Rejection hurts in any situation. But you will dust yourself off and find someone that's into you romantically. And this guy will be a great friend again. Sometimes these 2 things (lovers and friends) cross over for the wrong reasons. I'd say that this guy isnt right for you romantically, for loads of reasons. Think about it.........
((((((((hugs)))))))))
I agree with all of what Anna said
(((hugs)))0 -
Sorry my Katie boo boo. This sucks.
I agree with Anna. Sucks but there's a hottie out there for you... You're sexy, sweet, funny, crazy... like me but white!
:flowerforyou: 0 -
Sorry my Katie boo boo. This sucks.
I agree with Anna. Sucks but there's a hottie out there for you... You're sexy, sweet, funny, crazy... like me but white! :flowerforyou:
Awww thanks!!!!! This made me smile
Anna -- I do agree with what you said. It makes sense, although, tbh, I'm pretty sure he would not have come clean if I hadn't asked him what he was thinking...0 -
Kate you are totally fab, the most apt user name on this site! :flowerforyou: He led you on and let you down. It was selfish of him not to tell you before you went. Why did he kiss you if he didn't want to be with you that way? I don't think he's a terrible person, I just think he's weak and indecisive and totally not worthy of you. Keep him as a friend. You can do waaaaaay better xxx0
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Sorry my Katie boo boo. This sucks.
I agree with Anna. Sucks but there's a hottie out there for you... You're sexy, sweet, funny, crazy... like me but white! :flowerforyou:
Awww thanks!!!!! This made me smile
Anna -- I do agree with what you said. It makes sense, although, tbh, I'm pretty sure he would not have come clean if I hadn't asked him what he was thinking...
fair enough hun, you were there. Did you ask him because you got a vibe? I usually only asks things like this when my gut tells me its not all right.........but in any case, at least he came clean, for what its worth!!
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Kate you are totally fab, the most apt user name on this site! He led you on and let you down. It was selfish of him not to tell you before you went. Why did he kiss you if he didn't want to be with you that way? I don't think he's a terrible person, I just think he's weak and indecisive and totally not worthy of you. Keep him as a friend. You can do waaaaaay better xxx
I'm blushing :blushing: Thanks so much!fair enough hun, you were there. Did you ask him because you got a vibe? I usually only asks things like this when my gut tells me its not all right.........but in any case, at least he came clean, for what its worth!!
Anna, I asked because I was curious. We are pretty open about everything (always have been), so I didn't feel like it was over the top to ask what the night before was all about. I do appreciate his honesty, because we've talked since then and I was able to make it clear that we are friends, but I'm not interested in anything romantic with him. (FWB would also not work...I've known him far too long and I would just end up heartbroken lol)
So, we're good...as far as being friends goes :flowerforyou:0 -
Well, I wouldn't get down on the friendship meaning nothing to him because I'm not really sure what other way he could have handled it.
Seems to me that fall was a long time ago. The distance between you created an 'out of sight, out of mind' scenario. His ex comes along and he's smitten again (which often happens with ex's). You're due to arrive in 6 days time, he's not quite sure what capacity, cos it's been months since your 'encounter', so no need to cancel. You arrive and you kiss n cuddle. He comes clean.
The guy at least was honest! (Not that I'm praising him for that!)
Put it this way, I've known situations where he could have just taken advantage of the situation, slept with you, let you go home again and THEN said he met his ex and doesnt want a relationship cos his ex is back on the scene.............
So yeah, bad timing in one way, but good timing in another. You at least know that his romantic feelings are fickle, but his friendship feelings are solid :flowerforyou:
Rejection hurts in any situation. But you will dust yourself off and find someone that's into you romantically. And this guy will be a great friend again. Sometimes these 2 things (lovers and friends) cross over for the wrong reasons. I'd say that this guy isnt right for you romantically, for loads of reasons. Think about it.........
((((((((hugs)))))))))
I agree with this. 0
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