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ymug2001
ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
Yesterday my family found out I am bisexuaul and of course they did not react very well. My mom told me that she did not want me to go to hell for that and that how did I fall so low. She told me so many things that hurt me. I told them I can't be near them anymore because I feel hurt and my brother told me that if my parents got sick or something because of what I am putting them through I was going to regret it for putting my gf first. I love my family and I am not putting my gf first but they don't know how I feel. I told my brother and what am I supposed to do with what I feel what I want? He said well your daughter didnt ask you to be born so now suck it up and forget about those stupid ideas. They told me that I could leave but to leave my daughter with them because I was hurting her. My 8 year old daughter was doing really good with everything, we just came back from vacations and she was really happy and even told me she would move. After everything that happened yesterday, she told me she does not want to move and that really makes things harder for me. I do not want to hurt her by taking her away but I feel I am being hurt staying here as well. I really feel I should leave and start something new and go to school there but I do not know if this is the correct decision, for my daughter. Thank you

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  • Polly758
    Polly758 Posts: 623 Member
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    It sounds like you live with your family-- are they supporting you financially? What country do you live in? Is the father of your child in the picture? Has anyone threatened to take your child away?

    It sounds like you were already planning to move-- might as well do it. If you can keep your family from influencing your daughter until she is older and stronger, then do it. Young kids don't like change but they are adaptable.

    Try not to feel guilty about hurting anyone in your family because face it-- you haven't done a single thing to them. Your family are not the vicims here. Tell your brother to stop being ridiculous when he tries to guilt-trip you like that. Tell him he is wrong, your parents are grown people who are responsible for their own emotions.

    You said they found out you're bi-- I am really sorry for that. I am not out to my family (although they probably suspect) and I hope that if they ever find out it's because I told them explicitly. Settle in for some chaos because they are going to act like it's their business and they might try to control you and make you feel guilty, and you're going to have to stand firm.

    You might want to decide you ARE putting your girlfriend first. It sounds like your family wants to make you choose between them and your girlfriend, well, be prepared for that. Plenty of people will tell you that you shouldn't have to choose-- it's true, you SHOULDN'T-- but in reality we often do have to make those kinds of choices. Be ready to make that choice.

    They are going to attack you through your child-- prepare for that. Sounds like they're already doing that if your daughter is changing her mind all of a sudden. Perhaps you ought to get out of their house quickly-- at least do not leave your daughter alone with your family. (No more free babysitting, I know, it sucks. But it will be worth it in the long run.)

    You may want to consider setting some boundaries; like, no talking negatively to me about my girlfriend. If they insist, then leave the room. Stone-wall them. Make no apologies. DO NOT BEG THEM TO ACCEPT YOU-- either they will or they won't and that's their decision. If you've made up your mind, tell them you are the same person you always were and if they prefer to reject you, you'll leave.

    Don't change your plans just because your family doesn't accept you. It sounds like they are pressuring you to prove your loyalty by breaking up with your girlfriend and staying home.

    As for the going to hell thing, if you're worried about that, send me a message, I'll be happy to convert you into an atheist. =D
  • Bastiencade
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    Don't give your daughter an option, she can't possibly grasp what you're going through.

    There really isn't much advice that can be given in this situation, but I do agree that you need to move out and deal with this on your own. My family took 5+ years to even allow me to have a date over, but during that period we had an estranged relationship that they decided themselves to rekindle. When parent's realise you're just being who you are, even if they disagree, they're bound to come around at some point.

    There are hundreds of studies out there that show that homosexual families do just as well as heterosexual ones in raising children. There is no evidence that any harm will come to your daughter emotionally, only from a religious perspective would that be true.

    It doesn't matter how your parents feel, you be who you are! Don't let anyone bother you. They're adults, they can get over having a bisexual daughter. It may seem like their opinion matters, but when it comes to YOUR happiness, that's all that matters.
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    It sounds like you live with your family-- are they supporting you financially? What country do you live in? Is the father of your child in the picture? Has anyone threatened to take your child away?

    I do live with my family but they do not support me financially, I live in California and my daughters dad passed away when she was 3 years old. I know that they are very used to my daughter and my daughter to them but I think I deserve to be happy as well. Thank you for your advice!
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    Thank you, that is what I'm going to do. It really hurts me that they are acting like this because we were always so close and now they treat me like I'm not worth anything but it's time for me to be happy!
  • EvanKeel
    EvanKeel Posts: 1,904 Member
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    Your family just doesn't understand, and I imagine they also think you're confused. I get that your daughter doesn't want to move, but she would be greatly affected by you being miserable with your family/living situation. You can't demonstrate what it means to be a happy, well-adjusted adult to her if your family keeps you from being happy and confident.

    Be strong. This is your life and your daughter's. It's your call, not theirs. You will most likely be met with more opposition, and you need to be prepared for that.

    Oh and the guilt trip your brother tried about making your parents sick is pathetic.
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    Your family just doesn't understand, and I imagine they also think you're confused. I get that your daughter doesn't want to move, but she would be greaeatly affected by you being miserable with your family/living situation. You can't demonstrate what it means to be a happy, well-adjusted adult to her if your family keeps you from being happy and confident.

    Be strong. This is your life and your daughter's. It's your call, not theirs. You will most likely be met with more opposition, and you need to be prepared for that.

    Oh and the guilt trip your brother tried about making your parents sick is pathetic.

    Yes! thats what everyone told me "you are just confused". This is affecting my daughter because she sees Im not happy. Before my family found out they always toldl me how they were so proud of what a good mom I was and not all of a sudden I'm the worse mom and they want me to leave here with them. I don't see how they can think a person is good or bad based on who they love.
  • kyle4jem
    kyle4jem Posts: 1,400 Member
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    Before my family found out they always toldl me how they were so proud of what a good mom I was and not all of a sudden I'm the worse mom and they want me to leave here with them. I don't see how they can think a person is good or bad based on who they love.
    It's very sad that in this day and age, there is still so much hatred and misunderstanding surrounding sexuality. It's not like you're a murderer or a psychopath - you just happen to have romantic feelings for both men and women.

    Your primary concern at the moment is for your own well-being and then that of your daughter. Ultimately you have to put YOU first, for ultimately your daughter's well-being is linked to your own. That will probably mean you have to get out of your parents and find accommodation elsewhere. Unless you truly believe you have a long-term future with your gf, I wouldn't necessary rush into co-habiting, but that's a decision that only you can make.

    Your brother is a douche-bag - using emotional blackmail is the lowest of the low.

    Sadly, I don't have any answers re. getting your folks on side. Perhaps if you had another family member who was more supportive, then they might be able to make your parents see what they a likely to lose if the continue with their irrational behaviour towards you.

    I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. My family have always been very supportive of me. I'm not saying that my mum didn't have her reservations in the beginning and hoped against hope that I might find a nice lass and settle down. I think she always wanted a lovely daughter-in-law to bond with as she never had a daughter of her own (just a very loving gay son - and my two brothers of course).
  • FighterKat
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    I know that heartbeak. I was married to a man for 17 years and had 6 children with him. I love my children and am thankful for them. I also love that I am able to live as I truly am- a lesbian woman with an outstanding wife to be. My mother and father have always had issues with the possibility that their children could be anything other than straight and at 16 years old my mother actually screamed at me, " are you a ****ing *kitten*?" Where did I run? To the nearest closet and stayed there until 2007. NOT ANYMORE! Since that time my mom and dad have realized that I am who they always knew me to be but they hadn't got to share in one of the most important parts of my life until then. It has taken 5 years to get to this point. I guess what I am trying to tell you is that they are struggling with their own demons. Questioning everything they've done as parents and siblings and "where did we go wrong?" And the answer to that is, "NOWHERE," unless allowing your child to make their own life is a mistake. I don't think it is. Be strong, be firm, don't challenge them to a bunch of , "yea, but what about what I want." Live your life. If they want to continue to be a part of it, they will ask; it will take a long time. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't happen on your timeline. And if the situation occurs that they never seem to come around, create your own family filled with love and acceptance of eachother. You've been wearing a suit that is too small for you. Take it off and feel the comfort of a properly fit life. Love and light to you and everyone else in this situation. Take care of your health in the middle of it all.
  • AFreeheart
    AFreeheart Posts: 87 Member
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    I'm here to talk to too.
    My parents are fundamentalist Christians too. They've developed open-mindedsness and tolerance because they had to.
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    I know that heartbeak. I was married to a man for 17 years and had 6 children with him. I love my children and am thankful for them. I also love that I am able to live as I truly am- a lesbian woman with an outstanding wife to be. My mother and father have always had issues with the possibility that their children could be anything other than straight and at 16 years old my mother actually screamed at me, " are you a ****ing *kitten*?" Where did I run? To the nearest closet and stayed there until 2007. NOT ANYMORE! Since that time my mom and dad have realized that I am who they always knew me to be but they hadn't got to share in one of the most important parts of my life until then. It has taken 5 years to get to this point. I guess what I am trying to tell you is that they are struggling with their own demons. Questioning everything they've done as parents and siblings and "where did we go wrong?" And the answer to that is, "NOWHERE," unless allowing your child to make their own life is a mistake. I don't think it is. Be strong, be firm, don't challenge them to a bunch of , "yea, but what about what I want." Live your life. If they want to continue to be a part of it, they will ask; it will take a long time. Don't be discouraged if it doesn't happen on your timeline. And if the situation occurs that they never seem to come around, create your own family filled with love and acceptance of eachother. You've been wearing a suit that is too small for you. Take it off and feel the comfort of a properly fit life. Love and light to you and everyone else in this situation. Take care of your health in the middle of it all.

    Yes that is what my mom said, she asked me what she had done wrong and that she was very sorry for it. I told her you did nothing wrong, it has nothing to do with what you did. You are right about my health I better start caring more about myself because I have not been feeling too well with all this. Thank you so much for your advice!
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    I'm here to talk to too.
    My parents are fundamentalist Christians too. They've developed open-mindedsness and tolerance because they had to.

    I am hoping this is the same for my parents but it seems impossible to me for my mom to even think about it. My family has always been involved in church so it makes it worse because she says that is not what I have learned.
  • DietingMommy08
    DietingMommy08 Posts: 1,366 Member
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    You generally have to put yourself and your child first.

    I understand that they are family but sometimes family isnt everything we make it out to be.

    You need to find your happiness too.

    Either they will come around or they wont but as long as you and your child is happy in the end thats all that matters.

    I would definetly move and definetly take your child with you.

    Influence is great at her age and like somebody previous said I would NOT leave her alone with your family at this point or they may teach her to outright hate you for who you are and it wont even be her fault.

    I wish you the best of luck.
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    You generally have to put yourself and your child first.

    I understand that they are family but sometimes family isnt everything we make it out to be.

    You need to find your happiness too.

    Either they will come around or they wont but as long as you and your child is happy in the end thats all that matters.

    I would definetly move and definetly take your child with you.

    Influence is great at her age and like somebody previous said I would NOT leave her alone with your family at this point or they may teach her to outright hate you for who you are and it wont even be her fault.

    Thank you so much, I will be doing just that and I can definitely see how they influence my daughter because she was fine with everything and now shes not too happy about moving but I think that she will feel better when she sees I am happier and in a better mood than what I have been in .

    I wish you the best of luck.
  • Polly758
    Polly758 Posts: 623 Member
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    I am from California too-- Inland Empire. Message me if you want to chat!

    I was married to a man for years, it took me awhile to figure the rest out :)

    The odd thing about being queer is it really doesn't feel like a big deal. It can be quite jarring to see other people react to it, all uncomfortable and concerned. Where did they learn this?
  • ymug2001
    ymug2001 Posts: 41 Member
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    I am from California too-- Inland Empire. Message me if you want to chat!

    I was married to a man for years, it took me awhile to figure the rest out :)

    The odd thing about being queer is it really doesn't feel like a big deal. It can be quite jarring to see other people react to it, all uncomfortable and concerned. Where did they learn this?

    I agree! to me everything is so normal and I'm happy but everyone else is so concerned that I'm going to get hurt. I can get hurt if it's a male or female so that has nothing to do with it. I hate it that they think that because it's a relationship between 2 people of the same sex it can't be something serious. They said if you leave you are going to come right back crying because you know this can't be serious. I wonder where they come out with their conclusions from :-(
  • TWASH02
    TWASH02 Posts: 3
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    I read your blog and I completely understand. I am a lesbian and when my family found out about me....Lets just say it wasnt pretty. I have always been close to my family but their traditional Baptist values made it hard for them to accept. I would have to say that if you don't find YOUR happiness, then your child will eventually sense the strain between you and your family. I'm sure you have heard this saying before..."YOU CAN'T MAKE OTHER PEOPLE HAPPY IF YOU'RE NOT HAPPY"!! Trust, do what you have to for a piece of mind. Children are strong. They can't comprehend most adult/ family issues. So if you are financially able to support yourself and your child... DO JUST THAT! Your family will eventually come around. Time will heal all (Or at least allow time to accept situations for what they are). Society will forever judge the LGBT community and harshly at that. So all you can do is be the best person you can possibly be for yourself, your child, and then whatever falls next in line on your priority list. Just don't bounce the child around and create an unstable environment for her/him. If so, then you would have ultimately given your family the fuel and ammunition needed to continue to oppose you. All the best of luck!!!