Mindset needed for relationships??
Replies
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Your messages are all about what how good you are for her and how you do stuff that most men wouldn't do for her. You also talk about how you'll make this decision for her and wanting to give an ultimatum. I think you should step back and ask what you are really doing for her that is all that great. More importantly, ask yourself why you are so desperate to win the approval of someone who doesn't seem to want what you have to offer. I hope I am not too harsh but oyu sound kind of contolling and like your biggest concern is having control in the relationship. Do you even want to be with her or do you just want her to want you so you don't feel rejected?
I have to say that at the time of posting this I was sorta desperate to win an approval, but not anymore, I realize that I have alot to offer and if she don't want it, then her loss. She is very indecisive, and by that, I mean when we were seeing each other the last few weeks, she wanted to be with me some days, then other days she didn't.
The last thing I want is to be controlling her, but I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to be in the zone where I am not sure of things. Uncertainty is not my thing. I want to be with her, believe it or not the time we spent together, she has been very nice and caring towards me, and that is why I went out of my way to do things like take her out to lunch when she gets a lunch break at work on my days off. Bring her flowers once or so every other week when I am taking her out to lunch. Just random acts of kindness like helping her get around when she had knee bursitis, helping her stretch out the muscle imbalances and yada yada fitness trainer stuff so she recovers fast. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging about being the most caring guy out there, but in response to your post those are some of the things I did.0 -
Your messages are all about what how good you are for her and how you do stuff that most men wouldn't do for her. You also talk about how you'll make this decision for her and wanting to give an ultimatum. I think you should step back and ask what you are really doing for her that is all that great. More importantly, ask yourself why you are so desperate to win the approval of someone who doesn't seem to want what you have to offer. I hope I am not too harsh but oyu sound kind of contolling and like your biggest concern is having control in the relationship. Do you even want to be with her or do you just want her to want you so you don't feel rejected?
I have to say that at the time of posting this I was sorta desperate to win an approval, but not anymore, I realize that I have alot to offer and if she don't want it, then her loss. She is very indecisive, and by that, I mean when we were seeing each other the last few weeks, she wanted to be with me some days, then other days she didn't.
The last thing I want is to be controlling her, but I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to be in the zone where I am not sure of things. Uncertainty is not my thing. I want to be with her, believe it or not the time we spent together, she has been very nice and caring towards me, and that is why I went out of my way to do things like take her out to lunch when she gets a lunch break at work on my days off. Bring her flowers once or so every other week when I am taking her out to lunch. Just random acts of kindness like helping her get around when she had knee bursitis, helping her stretch out the muscle imbalances and yada yada fitness trainer stuff so she recovers fast. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging about being the most caring guy out there, but in response to your post those are some of the things I did.
I repeat, and I think you need to see this again: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This woman is stringing you along so she has someone in her life until she finds something better (in her mind). She isn't interested in you. She just doesn't want to be alone.0 -
Your messages are all about what how good you are for her and how you do stuff that most men wouldn't do for her. You also talk about how you'll make this decision for her and wanting to give an ultimatum. I think you should step back and ask what you are really doing for her that is all that great. More importantly, ask yourself why you are so desperate to win the approval of someone who doesn't seem to want what you have to offer. I hope I am not too harsh but oyu sound kind of contolling and like your biggest concern is having control in the relationship. Do you even want to be with her or do you just want her to want you so you don't feel rejected?
I have to say that at the time of posting this I was sorta desperate to win an approval, but not anymore, I realize that I have alot to offer and if she don't want it, then her loss. She is very indecisive, and by that, I mean when we were seeing each other the last few weeks, she wanted to be with me some days, then other days she didn't.
The last thing I want is to be controlling her, but I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to be in the zone where I am not sure of things. Uncertainty is not my thing. I want to be with her, believe it or not the time we spent together, she has been very nice and caring towards me, and that is why I went out of my way to do things like take her out to lunch when she gets a lunch break at work on my days off. Bring her flowers once or so every other week when I am taking her out to lunch. Just random acts of kindness like helping her get around when she had knee bursitis, helping her stretch out the muscle imbalances and yada yada fitness trainer stuff so she recovers fast. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging about being the most caring guy out there, but in response to your post those are some of the things I did.
I repeat, and I think you need to see this again: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This woman is stringing you along so she has someone in her life until she finds something better (in her mind). She isn't interested in you. She just doesn't want to be alone.
I don't know about that, but I will find out when I try to end it. If she aint into me, then whatever, not my loss.0 -
Ummm dude... no homo or anything but quit the 'nice guy' routine, drop the flake, take your shirt off and stroll the beach. I bet by the end of the day you won't even remember that girls name. Life is too short to waste your time on someone that doesn't appreciate you and everything you have to offer.
haha good advice, though being nice is my thing, im certainly not going to be a pushover. Just gonna be me, and im not exactly in that great of a shape to be walkin around with my shirt off at the beach lol, but perhaps one day!0 -
Step 1. Work on self image / confidence problems!
Step 2. Profit!
Seriously man, unless all those profile pics aren't you, why would you say that? You appear to be in really good shape. Again... no homo. :laugh:0 -
Step 1. Work on self image / confidence problems!
Step 2. Profit!
Seriously man, unless all those profile pics aren't you, why would you say that? You appear to be in really good shape. Again... no homo. :laugh:
naw they are me, i still have a long ways to go in looking how i imagined in terms of physique, but I know i look decent enough for where I am right now. its much better when you know you finished your product before you market it, thats my mentality i guess0 -
Your phsysique should be a never ending work-in-progress. The physique will lure women in but let your personality, charm and wit make you either 'the total package' or 'the one that got away'.0
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Your phsysique should be a never ending work-in-progress. The physique will lure women in but let your personality, charm and wit make you either 'the total package' or 'the one that got away'.
nicely said! the one that got away lol. thanks for the help you guys!0 -
It isn't personal at all. No one is right for everyone, and physique is not the be-all, end-all of attraction. But if the role were reversed and you were really into a girl, would you behave the way you've described this woman? She's leading you on. You deserve better. Stop letting her.Your messages are all about what how good you are for her and how you do stuff that most men wouldn't do for her. You also talk about how you'll make this decision for her and wanting to give an ultimatum. I think you should step back and ask what you are really doing for her that is all that great. More importantly, ask yourself why you are so desperate to win the approval of someone who doesn't seem to want what you have to offer. I hope I am not too harsh but oyu sound kind of contolling and like your biggest concern is having control in the relationship. Do you even want to be with her or do you just want her to want you so you don't feel rejected?
I have to say that at the time of posting this I was sorta desperate to win an approval, but not anymore, I realize that I have alot to offer and if she don't want it, then her loss. She is very indecisive, and by that, I mean when we were seeing each other the last few weeks, she wanted to be with me some days, then other days she didn't.
The last thing I want is to be controlling her, but I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to be in the zone where I am not sure of things. Uncertainty is not my thing. I want to be with her, believe it or not the time we spent together, she has been very nice and caring towards me, and that is why I went out of my way to do things like take her out to lunch when she gets a lunch break at work on my days off. Bring her flowers once or so every other week when I am taking her out to lunch. Just random acts of kindness like helping her get around when she had knee bursitis, helping her stretch out the muscle imbalances and yada yada fitness trainer stuff so she recovers fast. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging about being the most caring guy out there, but in response to your post those are some of the things I did.
I repeat, and I think you need to see this again: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This woman is stringing you along so she has someone in her life until she finds something better (in her mind). She isn't interested in you. She just doesn't want to be alone.
I don't know about that, but I will find out when I try to end it. If she aint into me, then whatever, not my loss.0 -
Well I want to say thank you because I'm in a very similar situation you are in with some very slight differences. I think the advice given by the people in this thread is what we need to really follow. It sucks, and it feels like a big waste of time as far as the effort we have put in to this point, BUT relationships should move along fairly smoothly at first and not all this kind of confusion and exhausting mental crap. The best relationships i've been in have just flowed smoothly, and the beginning was easily the best as far as always wanting to be with each other and spend time together. We are the convenience guys because we always keep showing up. Its gonna suck for a little while but I think it would be ultimately best to just move on and find someone that doesnt have all this attached drama. I feel like I can give this advice because Im going to follow it myself. Good luck man.0
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It isn't personal at all. No one is right for everyone, and physique is not the be-all, end-all of attraction. But if the role were reversed and you were really into a girl, would you behave the way you've described this woman? She's leading you on. You deserve better. Stop letting her.Your messages are all about what how good you are for her and how you do stuff that most men wouldn't do for her. You also talk about how you'll make this decision for her and wanting to give an ultimatum. I think you should step back and ask what you are really doing for her that is all that great. More importantly, ask yourself why you are so desperate to win the approval of someone who doesn't seem to want what you have to offer. I hope I am not too harsh but oyu sound kind of contolling and like your biggest concern is having control in the relationship. Do you even want to be with her or do you just want her to want you so you don't feel rejected?
I have to say that at the time of posting this I was sorta desperate to win an approval, but not anymore, I realize that I have alot to offer and if she don't want it, then her loss. She is very indecisive, and by that, I mean when we were seeing each other the last few weeks, she wanted to be with me some days, then other days she didn't.
The last thing I want is to be controlling her, but I guess what I am saying is that I don't want to be in the zone where I am not sure of things. Uncertainty is not my thing. I want to be with her, believe it or not the time we spent together, she has been very nice and caring towards me, and that is why I went out of my way to do things like take her out to lunch when she gets a lunch break at work on my days off. Bring her flowers once or so every other week when I am taking her out to lunch. Just random acts of kindness like helping her get around when she had knee bursitis, helping her stretch out the muscle imbalances and yada yada fitness trainer stuff so she recovers fast. I don't mean to sound like I am bragging about being the most caring guy out there, but in response to your post those are some of the things I did.
I repeat, and I think you need to see this again: SHE'S JUST NOT THAT INTO YOU. This woman is stringing you along so she has someone in her life until she finds something better (in her mind). She isn't interested in you. She just doesn't want to be alone.
I don't know about that, but I will find out when I try to end it. If she aint into me, then whatever, not my loss.
I wouldn't behave that way for sure, and yes i won't be letting her get the best of me any time soon.0 -
You are her source of entertainment at this point.
^^ This guy hit the nail on the head. I've done this before. I've told a man that I didn't want anything serious while still hanging out with him, going out, doing all the PDA stuff, and kicking it at home together. Mainly because I didn't want to try too hard in the dating world, and he was an easy source of entertainment and affection. I learned a harsh lesson since I hurt him badly in the process. I'd never do that again.0 -
Bitter/resentful much? :huh: this approach to navigate the dating world has not worked for anyone I know... Best of luck to you, friend! :ohwell:Ultimatums usually don't lead to good outcomes. Just tell her it is over and find someone who wants to be with you for you. You're 23. Plenty of 18-21 year olds to go around. She had more than enough chances.
As for the OP - Work on your self-confidence and try to figure out what you are getting out of this relationship. Do you like the attention and drama of this whole saga? She may stay or go? Seems to me like you may actually like the chase a little bit. It's a challenge to be conquered. A-Type personalities (myself included, so I can speak a little from experience) actually tend to really find some satisfaction having success with more challenging relationships that appear not to be entirely worthwhile at the outset. I can't count the number of times I've been told to stop making my love life harder than it needs to be :laugh:
Find some kind of balance between the bitterness and cynicism posted above ^^ and trying to fix whatever's going on with this girl and her "mindset". If she's not in the right place or she legitimately just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (Yea, I've been there many times and just hang around with Mr. Right Now until something else comes along - young, foolish and very self-serving) then just take your energy and time and devote it to finding relationships that suit what you are looking for. Don't be a d*ck about it. Just tell her what you're looking for and that you don't think this is cutting it.
No need to create any more drama
Good luck! 0 -
You are her source of entertainment at this point.
^^ This guy hit the nail on the head. I've done this before. I've told a man that I didn't want anything serious while still hanging out with him, going out, doing all the PDA stuff, and kicking it at home together. Mainly because I didn't want to try too hard in the dating world, and he was an easy source of entertainment and affection. I learned a harsh lesson since I hurt him badly in the process. I'd never do that again.
^^^^Sorta this for me to...actually its kinda my situation now... I'm really just keeping him around as a place holder at this point... If your not happy being FWB tell her and move on. Believe just show a little confidence when you go out and the ladies will flock to you :flowerforyou:0 -
Bitter/resentful much? :huh: this approach to navigate the dating world has not worked for anyone I know... Best of luck to you, friend! :ohwell:Ultimatums usually don't lead to good outcomes. Just tell her it is over and find someone who wants to be with you for you. You're 23. Plenty of 18-21 year olds to go around. She had more than enough chances.
As for the OP - Work on your self-confidence and try to figure out what you are getting out of this relationship. Do you like the attention and drama of this whole saga? She may stay or go? Seems to me like you may actually like the chase a little bit. It's a challenge to be conquered. A-Type personalities (myself included, so I can speak a little from experience) actually tend to really find some satisfaction having success with more challenging relationships that appear not to be entirely worthwhile at the outset. I can't count the number of times I've been told to stop making my love life harder than it needs to be :laugh:
Find some kind of balance between the bitterness and cynicism posted above ^^ and trying to fix whatever's going on with this girl and her "mindset". If she's not in the right place or she legitimately just doesn't want to be in a relationship with you (Yea, I've been there many times and just hang around with Mr. Right Now until something else comes along - young, foolish and very self-serving) then just take your energy and time and devote it to finding relationships that suit what you are looking for. Don't be a d*ck about it. Just tell her what you're looking for and that you don't think this is cutting it.
No need to create any more drama Good luck!
yea i like the chase, but not when its like this, extra drama has no place in my life.0 -
Bitter/resentful much? :huh: this approach to navigate the dating world has not worked for anyone I know... Best of luck to you, friend! :ohwell:Ultimatums usually don't lead to good outcomes. Just tell her it is over and find someone who wants to be with you for you. You're 23. Plenty of 18-21 year olds to go around. She had more than enough chances.
Many respondents, male and female, told to OP to drop this woman before I did and then I'm made to look like the bad guy. What gives? The OP has been too nice of a guy in letting her dictate the terms of the relationship, and other people made that point besides me. This could be a terrific learning experience for the OP. The woman the OP knows has treated OP in a way that is unfair to him and it is time he put his foot down and walked away.0 -
Your advice to drop this girl like 3rd period French was fine, in theory. You attitude is what I was commenting on. You posted several replies to this thread and they all carried the same tone - lacking tact and any remote level of kindness or understanding. You yourself note that she's young. The OP should be strive to lead by example on this one, assert his self-worth and explain what he's looking for and why her behaviour doesn't fit the bill. Teaching her a life lesson about "too many chances" is paternalistic and obnoxious, and I can tell you as a woman that I would never accept it from someone else - a potential mate, or otherwise.
Bitter/resentful much? :huh: this approach to navigate the dating world has not worked for anyone I know... Best of luck to you, friend! :ohwell:Ultimatums usually don't lead to good outcomes. Just tell her it is over and find someone who wants to be with you for you. You're 23. Plenty of 18-21 year olds to go around. She had more than enough chances.
Many respondents, male and female, told to OP to drop this woman before I did and then I'm made to look like the bad guy. What gives? The OP has been too nice of a guy in letting her dictate the terms of the relationship, and other people made that point besides me. This could be a terrific learning experience for the OP. The woman the OP knows has treated OP in a way that is unfair to him and it is time he put his foot down and walked away.0 -
Dude, most women dont have that mindset to be in a serious relationship. Look at online dating, how ofter do you see a profile that says they are looking for a serious relationship, its rare. Also studies show women dont like to sttle down as easy as men do now. They just date until they find that guy or it happens. Talking about it makes them go away, they dont like pressure, they would rather chased than be chased. You just need to date women until you find what you are looking for. You cant force it or talk your way into it.0
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GUYS/GALS
I told her yesterday, that I am not deciding, but I am CHOOSING to not be friends with her and not to have her in my life PERIOD. I told her I forgive her for everything that happened, and that I have come to terms with it so I don't hold anything against her. She cried for a long time when I told her that we can't see each other or hang out no more, and nothing between us. There was only one way she could have had me in her life after whats happened, and thats the only way that I will include myself in her life(through a relationship), other than that I don't want anything.
She basically cried for a long time and then we finally said good bye. I feel bad, but I know i did the right thing there. Even told her, if she ever wanted me back, she knows what she has to do(only if I am still single and not seeing another girl of course!), that's the only way it will happen otherwise don't even bother.
Still feel sad, but I know I shouldn't resist it, I should just let it pass over me. Sometimes tough times are there to mold us into better people, and thats just what I want to be, a better person!0 -
GUYS/GALS
I told her yesterday, that I am not deciding, but I am CHOOSING to not be friends with her and not to have her in my life PERIOD. I told her I forgive her for everything that happened, and that I have come to terms with it so I don't hold anything against her. She cried for a long time when I told her that we can't see each other or hang out no more, and nothing between us. There was only one way she could have had me in her life after whats happened, and thats the only way that I will include myself in her life(through a relationship), other than that I don't want anything.
She basically cried for a long time and then we finally said good bye. I feel bad, but I know i did the right thing there. Even told her, if she ever wanted me back, she knows what she has to do(only if I am still single and not seeing another girl of course!), that's the only way it will happen otherwise don't even bother.
Still feel sad, but I know I shouldn't resist it, I should just let it pass over me. Sometimes tough times are there to mold us into better people, and thats just what I want to be, a better person!
Great way to handle the situation! Wishing all the best for you going forward.0 -
Ahhhh, maybe in time you can be friends. Good for you for not compromising your needs. It can't have been easy for you either :flowerforyou:0
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Good job man, we are proud of you. It can only get better from here.0
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Nice one bruv.... now go to the beach and do what I said! :laugh:0
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And that is how it is done! Good for you!0
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Ahhhh, maybe in time you can be friends. Good for you for not compromising your needs. It can't have been easy for you either :flowerforyou:
naw don't need people like that in life, its better to not have any friends than have one bad friend.
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You are her source of entertainment at this point.
as a girl, i second and third this.0 -
Yes.
Being in committed relationship requires a major behavioral change and the willingness to take on responsibility for someone else's feelings and not just your own.
Sometimes you wanna be selfish for awhile still because you cant quite have that responsibility yet.
ETA: Sometimes you also want to take longer to get to that mindset- so you can know if the person is worth the change.0 -
Simple answer is Yes. Convoluted - Yes, but....
What it comes down to is getting in control of emotions. for men, this is easier than it is for women.0 -
Not necessarily, men can have mood swings too, but ultimately it depends on the person themselves. I knew a girl that was right down to earth, and didn't lead others on when it came to feelings. I respect her for that.
But overall, i think if you can learn how to live with your feelings instead of avoiding them or fighting them, you will be a better person.0
