The first time someone disappears from online dating...
NCTravellingGirl
Posts: 717 Member
I knew it would happen. I’ve read enough stories on MFP about people disappearing to know I should expect it when I jumped into online dating. I’ve only been online for a month. He messaged me two weeks ago, and we’ve talked every night since then, sometimes as soon as I got home from work asking about my day. Finally Tuesday he suggested that we go out for a beer or dinner…. And I haven’t heard from him since.
At first I thought maybe I was reading into it since I’m a girl and an engineer (read: over-analyzer). Then last night I saw him online with Chat enabled, went to finish preparing dinner, came back and saw he was still online yet chat was disabled, 10 minutes later he was gone and never responded to my message….it's been three days... Sometimes you just KNOW.
So I’m bummed but know that it’s not worth time analyzing the whys. We had GREAT conversation… for hours sometimes. He’s been the only person so far in a month I felt was worth talking to. But, online dating gives people options. Maybe he found someone he thought was better, maybe I said something he didn’t like, maybe we took too long to meet… it doesn’t really matter so I’ve decided to share this since I’ve gotten so many messages appreciating my openness on online dating even when it sucks.
This is why I DID online dating…to get used to this process. It’s rejection but not really…disappointment, most definitely! I’m on a small roller coaster of emotions right now but it’s nowhere near as bad as I built it up in my mind to be…So I’m hopeful now someone can share some fun date plans for the weekend so I can live vicariously through you …SHARE please :happy:
At first I thought maybe I was reading into it since I’m a girl and an engineer (read: over-analyzer). Then last night I saw him online with Chat enabled, went to finish preparing dinner, came back and saw he was still online yet chat was disabled, 10 minutes later he was gone and never responded to my message….it's been three days... Sometimes you just KNOW.
So I’m bummed but know that it’s not worth time analyzing the whys. We had GREAT conversation… for hours sometimes. He’s been the only person so far in a month I felt was worth talking to. But, online dating gives people options. Maybe he found someone he thought was better, maybe I said something he didn’t like, maybe we took too long to meet… it doesn’t really matter so I’ve decided to share this since I’ve gotten so many messages appreciating my openness on online dating even when it sucks.
This is why I DID online dating…to get used to this process. It’s rejection but not really…disappointment, most definitely! I’m on a small roller coaster of emotions right now but it’s nowhere near as bad as I built it up in my mind to be…So I’m hopeful now someone can share some fun date plans for the weekend so I can live vicariously through you …SHARE please :happy:
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Replies
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I had the same thing happen to me. He set up a date and then poof didn't hear from him again. It happens.0
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What happened to the days when people said things and actually meant them? It's like you don't know who or what to believe anymore.0
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Enjoy the vicarious life:
I have one gal I've been talking to for a while that I haven't met. She owns her own business as a massage therapist. She texted me yesterday saying she is sorry she hasn't got back to me but she's been working 8:00 - 8:00 for the last 2 weeks. Some clients are getting ready for some sort of competition and seeing her more frequently than usual. Who knows what will happen. I was contacted yesterday by a gal who lives about an hour away. I think it it would be worth talking to her to see where it goes. And finally, I have a third lunch date with a gal I went out to lunch with for the first time last Friday. She is nice, smart, very attractive and even more sarcastic than I am. It should be fun. We are planning to go on a "real" date next weekend and may have lunch a few times next week too.0 -
I am guilty of disappearing. But I typically disappear altogether, on everyone. And I hide my profile usually too.
It sucks when it happens, especially when you have tentative plans!!!0 -
Enjoy the vicarious life:
I have one gal I've been talking to for a while that I haven't met. She owns her own business as a massage therapist. She texted me yesterday saying she is sorry she hasn't got back to me but she's been working 8:00 - 8:00 for the last 2 weeks. Some clients are getting ready for some sort of competition and seeing her more frequently than usual. Who knows what will happen. I was contacted yesterday by a gal who lives about an hour away. I think it it would be worth talking to her to see where it goes. And finally, I have a third lunch date with a gal I went out to lunch with for the first time last Friday. She is nice, smart, very attractive and even more sarcastic than I am. It should be fun. We are planning to go on a "real" date next weekend and may have lunch a few times next week too.
Damn man, good for you...clearly the ladies man :smokin:0 -
I have had similar issues.....and guys do too......a few weeks ago I had invited a guy to dinner- I was making dinner for him. This was not a first date. Anyway, I had turned my phone on "silent" at work and forgot to switch it back....so when I checked about a half hour before I expected him-I had 7 messages-4 texts from him and a voice mail from him. Saying....are we still on, should I bother coming? and then in the voice mail, he said he wastn't going to head this way until he heard from me...............makes me think he had been stood up before, even though I had talked to him several times during the day.
My bigger issue is when you go out with the guy and he says he wants to get together again, and then poofs.......so weird.........0 -
Has happened to me multiple times. I think it goes back to the idea that online dating is really like shopping. Unfortunately, before you can meet they have already checked out. lol
I am pretty sure that this is about to happen to me.0 -
Has happened to me multiple times. I think it goes back to the idea that online dating is really like shopping. Unfortunately, before you can meet they have already checked out. lol
I am pretty sure that this is about to happen to me.
Stop that, girl! I saw your other post but haven't responded yet. I'm saying this as I struggle through it too, but it's not worth being emotionally invested so soon. It can come across as clingy which may scare some away! Be patient! **hugs**0 -
Unfortunately poofing is the norm. Sometimes there are people I'm disappointed when they poof and others it turns out to be a relief.0
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My bigger issue is when you go out with the guy and he says he wants to get together again, and then poofs.......so weird.........
This is obviously worse, but my guess is that both cases are similar. It may involve a man (or women? but typically men?) who just don't know how to say they aren't interested. So they just disappear.
He says he wants to go out again because he doesn't want to hurt your feelings. In reality, he just doesn't want to see you again. He figures he'll just ignore you for a some time and you'll get the hint. Not condoning this, just trying to explain it...
I think on-line dating is great in that it widens your pool of possibilities. However, there is so much that just can't be determined through email, or chat. It's all about that spark. And so while you're chatting for a week or two and it's great, the reality is that the guy is no where near as into the process as you are. At least until he meets you. And the nature of on-line dating is that you waste a lot of time with first encounters that go nowhere. And because many men are terrible at expressing their feelings, they just avoid further contact when they have no interest. A first date means almost nothing in the on-line dating world. Even if it goes well (in your mind). It probably only means something if he physically shows up for the second date...
It's a similar dynamic when you haven't yet met, as well. They see you on-line, they strike up a conversation, it goes well. But they are doing this with 5-10 other women, too. You are probably not number one on their list, but you're still a possibility. Later, he determines that there's no need to meet you, it probably wouldn't work out, etc. But again, he doesn't want to tell you this, since he is terrible at those types of conversations (most men are). So he continues to chat a bit. Why not, it's easy to say hi on-line, right. Eventually, however, he realizes he either needs to say he's not interested, or do something so you get the hint. And that something is to go "poof."
To summarize: in the on-line dating world, you've been on two successful dates. At that point, you may have a connection. Until then, it's still highly speculative.
--P0 -
I had the same thing happen to me. He set up a date and then poof didn't hear from him again. It happens.
Me too. But that might have had something to do with me asking him if he has teeth.0 -
I'm sure you know this but never invest even a tiny bit or gauge chemistry on how well you chat with someone online. Ive made the mistake myself so I know first hand what happens.
Chemistry isn't real until you're face to face. Next time, either meet faster or don't get invested (at all, not even if you're just disappointed) until you know it's there in person.
I think online dating is a good thing but it has it's cons. This is one of them. Fake or online chemistry that is either not there in person or the other person is just window shopping with no intention of buying.0 -
This is normal for dating sites. You'll do it too!! People talk to numerous people at the same time. He probably met someone last night he's quite in to!!
Widen your options, and yes, don't emotionally invest until you've met for the SECOND time! And have established some kind of mutual affinity.
If I can give you a cast iron guarantee is that you can get on like a house on fire online, and then on the phone, but that can all change in person!! I lost count how many times this happened to me. Now, I just dont use up ANY of my emotional energy online!! (well, I've kicked dating sites to the kerb completely, but I was on them on and off for 10 years!!)
Good luck with the next one NC :flowerforyou:0 -
This is normal for dating sites. You'll do it too!! People talk to numerous people at the same time. He probably met someone last night he's quite in to!!
This. And yeah, it may seem like a conversation is going really well online, but then you meet up and there is NO chemistry...
Just like everyone else said, you can't gauge whether or not you have an actual connection based on words on a screen. Don't read too much into it; you'll drive yourself CRAZY!0 -
I had the same thing happen to me. He set up a date and then poof didn't hear from him again. It happens.
Me too. But that might have had something to do with me asking him if he has teeth.
:laugh: Sorry, I dont know why this made me LOL! :bigsmile:0 -
Let’s reframe this, shall we? 7 times out of 10 I’m not interested in the guy, but it still irritates me when he’s not interested back, lol!
Right!So I’m bummed but know that it’s not worth time analyzing the whys.
This speaks well to either his, your, or both of your personalities. My challenge on any date- especially once it’s started going downhill- has been to practice turning things around so he feels like he’s had a great time. That is, a guy who I have absolutely no interest in seeing again (admittedly, most of them) will hopefully not know it on the date (unless he goes in for a kiss… I don’t kiss guys I’m not interested in)We had GREAT conversation… for hours sometimes.
Yes, but more will come along. And many will leave you genuinely feeling like “I’ve never met someone like this before.” And it’s ok if this guy with a great connection doesn’t turn out to be great “for you.”He’s been the only person so far in a month I felt was worth talking to.
Yes, that’s part of the fun!But, online dating gives people options.
No, it doesn’t matter. But what matters is the attitude here is all about HIM and what YOU did wrong. I’ve definitely been guilty of this myself. But guess what I’ve discovered? With most of the guys who don’t want to see me again it’s NOT something I did *wrong,* they move on because of something I did RIGHT!! They move on because I want to live debt free, because I won’t dtd on the first date, because I’m in better shape than I look, because I have good degrees and a good job and have made a good life form myself. Or they smoke weed. Or they don’t like how involved I am in church. Sure, sometimes I overanalyze and talk too much, but I’m better about that on the first date, lol. Or, sometimes there’s just no connection. Or you guys have different goals: Most of the guys I’m meeting want kids (huh?), don’t want to move away from home (I’m military), and don’t want to do long distance.Maybe he found someone he thought was better, maybe I said something he didn’t like, maybe we took too long to meet… it doesn’t really matterI’ve decided to share this since I’ve gotten so many messages appreciating my openness on online dating even when it sucks.
Stay open. I thought online dating was horrible when I tried it 2 years ago. This time I’m having a blast- and I have the exact same profile, just some updated pictures.
Have fun!0 -
omg ur like my dating twin - online dater, getting into the swing of things, engineer**** so yes OVER ANALYZER. lol.
i dont think i can deal wtih this! lol.0 -
Sorry, girl. It happens to all of us!
My date for Saturday night poofed too. I never did text him to say "are we still on?" Guess I really didn't care if he poofed or not. We were way different. And like Janie said, I think he poofed because I did something RIGHT. He really quit texting after I told him I go to church. So, I'm not going to be disappointed.
Still kind of sucks, I know.0 -
I think he poofed because I did something RIGHT. He really quit texting after I told him I go to church. So, I'm not going to be disappointed.
Or if they don't "poof" they give some lame excuse. I was texting one guy a couple hours before our 2nd date, and he asked how I felt about kissing. I said I was old fashioned about "other things" but thought kissing was a great indicator. He "remembered" he got in a car wreck earlier, needed to take the car in and couldn't meet me that night. I liked him, he was hot and fun to hang out with, but I'm not holding my breath for that second date ;-)0 -
I think he poofed because I did something RIGHT. He really quit texting after I told him I go to church. So, I'm not going to be disappointed.
Or if they don't "poof" they give some lame excuse. I was texting one guy a couple hours before our 2nd date, and he asked how I felt about kissing. I said I was old fashioned about "other things" but thought kissing was a great indicator. He "remembered" he got in a car wreck earlier, needed to take the car in and couldn't meet me that night. I liked him, he was hot and fun to hang out with, but I'm not holding my breath for that second date ;-)
Sorry, Janie. But in that instance, sometimes it is better that they disappear. I've had some guys just view my old fashioned values as a challenge, and that isn't a good thing, either.0 -
It happens. Focus on your offline activities.0
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It happens. Focus on your offline activities.
You know DM you don't have to post this on all online dating topics.0 -
It happens. Focus on your offline activities.
You know DM you don't have to post this on all online dating topics.
I think he is getting tired of reading about our online escapades.0 -
I agree with Dave but haven't out where these supposedly awesome single guys hang out! I know where the IT nerds and engineers are... Online! I am one so I fit in online... Oh except being too smart and not thin enough for even the guys who can't get off the couch but can surf online all day... Ok, slightly bitter rant over!0
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It happens. Focus on your offline activities.
You know DM you don't have to post this on all online dating topics.
Some of us do WAY better meeting guys online then in person. And it's not that guys don't like me or anything, lol, it's just that I've had more than one who finally saw me in uniform say if they'd met me that way they wouldn't have asked me out.0 -
It happens. Focus on your offline activities.
You know DM you don't have to post this on all online dating topics.
Some of us do WAY better meeting guys online then in person. And it's not that guys don't like me or anything, lol, it's just that I've had more than one who finally saw me in uniform say if they'd met me that way they wouldn't have asked me out.
See for me its the oppisite I do way better meeting guys in person. My personality *sparkles* more.. Plus I am not always the most photogenic person in the world lol... I'm a talker and in person you really get to see rather quickly if that person suits you0 -
I knew it would happen. I’ve read enough stories on MFP about people disappearing to know I should expect it when I jumped into online dating. I’ve only been online for a month. He messaged me two weeks ago, and we’ve talked every night since then, sometimes as soon as I got home from work asking about my day. Finally Tuesday he suggested that we go out for a beer or dinner…. And I haven’t heard from him since.
At first I thought maybe I was reading into it since I’m a girl and an engineer (read: over-analyzer). Then last night I saw him online with Chat enabled, went to finish preparing dinner, came back and saw he was still online yet chat was disabled, 10 minutes later he was gone and never responded to my message….it's been three days... Sometimes you just KNOW.
So I’m bummed but know that it’s not worth time analyzing the whys. We had GREAT conversation… for hours sometimes. He’s been the only person so far in a month I felt was worth talking to. But, online dating gives people options. Maybe he found someone he thought was better, maybe I said something he didn’t like, maybe we took too long to meet… it doesn’t really matter so I’ve decided to share this since I’ve gotten so many messages appreciating my openness on online dating even when it sucks.
This is why I DID online dating…to get used to this process. It’s rejection but not really…disappointment, most definitely! I’m on a small roller coaster of emotions right now but it’s nowhere near as bad as I built it up in my mind to be…So I’m hopeful now someone can share some fun date plans for the weekend so I can live vicariously through you …SHARE please :happy:
Certainly not unique. This has happened to me many, many times. Just got to keep on keepin' on.
But yes, it does hurt.0 -
See for me its the oppisite I do way better meeting guys in person. My personality *sparkles* more.. Plus I am not always the most photogenic person in the world lol... I'm a talker and in person you really get to see rather quickly if that person suits you
You know what it really means when someone says, "You're SO photogenic!" right? LOL
I agree that in person you find out more quickly if the person suits you. Especially if you are a talker. Which, as if y'all couldn't tell from my posts, I am. The thing is for me, that for some reason I don't get approached as much as I did even a year ago. It's like the well dried up or something. I was getting a little interest here and there, but nothing that was translating to actual dates.
Which is weird because I actually look BETTER now than I did last year.0 -
I think he is getting tired of reading about our online escapades.
Not exactly.Some of us do WAY better meeting guys online then in person. And it's not that guys don't like me or anything, lol, it's just that I've had more than one who finally saw me in uniform say if they'd met me that way they wouldn't have asked me out.
You don’t have to go out looking for men in a military uniform.
I think that both sexes are more likely to find quality dates through meetings in person first. The communication process is more non verbal and vocal cues than just words. Appearance matters as well.
People found dates offline through most of human history. It works!
Isn't it all about finding someone and not being a Single Peep anymore? Single life, over an extended period of time, is an ungratifying experience.0 -
Lol, of course not.You don’t have to go out looking for men in a military uniform.
There's no harm in you *thinking* that, but I'm concerned for you that you seem to be denying that others experience has meant this isn't true for *them.*I think that both sexes are more likely to find quality dates through meetings in person first.
Shall we run down the last 6 guys approached me in person since Dec 2010 (yes, I journal about this kind of stuff)?
#6 (went out in Dec 2010) had addiction issues
#5-4 were both older than my dad
#3 Met at a gas station while on my way out of town; this man actually CALLED me every night for 2 months! I was so flattered. Til it was time to come home and I discovered he was married.
#2 I met at Sam's club, nice guy but way too much baggage to be "in a relationship"
#1 (the most recent) I met at Chuck-E-Cheese, planned a day trip with me, canx that morning to go to the movies with someone else and tried to say I never got back with him, when I had a FULL page of texts where we planned and confirmed this trip
Contrast that with the guys I've met since going online in April: 17 guys (I can post the rundown, though you've already heard bits and pieces about most of them), and I'd say a good 10 of them (so far) seem like nice guys and a couple I'm trying to set up with friends.
Going by the numbers, I'm hitting a greater percentage of nice guys online.Single life, over an extended period of time, is an ungratifying experience.
People keep saying that, but each year seems to get better for me. Especially as I watch people around me in miserable LTRs and marriages. Yes, I would LOVE to find that perfect someone, but I'm not convinced he exists (and is single) so I'm quite content to stay alone rather than end up like the bulk of the couples I know.0
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