need to rant, pp depression in males

melindenmark

We think my hubby has some form of postpartam depression and he is seeing someone about it next week. To add to that we have a baby that is not sleeping very well at night at the moment as because hubby isnt feeling great i am alone with my little girl at night. Im totally ok with tackling the nights alone, in fact i would prefeer to as she doesnt respond well to him taking her up, its just easier for me to do it lol. What is starting to piss me off is his moods. He is negaitive al the time!!! I know i need to be patient and supportive and i am but inside i am screaming. I am tired to! I cant be bothered sometimes either, i need time to myself as well. Its hard putting up a postive frount all the time while feeling like i also need help. We live in Denmark and my family lives in New Zealand so i dont have family i can lean on. Most days i can cope fine and can be that positive happy person my family needs me to be but today i can feel him grateing at my last nerve!!
Wow feeling a little better already, just needed a place to get that out as dont really feel like i can elsewhere.
Thanks for listening

Mel

spunkychelsea

You are a much more understanding and supportive person than I am. Most days I cannot be the happy one. I am most certainly not the fun parent. RIght now I'm just trying to get through the days. Some days the best part is not my kids' smiles because I am so overwhelmed and tired. I am trying to be more positive for both myself and my kids. I have no advice, just sympathy. I'm sorry.

mommyrunning

So my two cents worth is this. First it's very important you two talk about this otherwise it is likely to cause resentment. I would approach it at 2 angles. First you want to ensure he gets help. True depression is something people usually can't control so if he truly has an issue with depression he won't be able to just "snap out of it" on his own. The second approach (assuming he is functioning well enough to help) is to share baby responsibilities. I did exactly what you did with our children. My husband is a very deep sleeper and incredibly difficult to wake up and like with your baby mine preferred mommy. So I thought no big deal I can handle nights and I did. I rarely asked my husband to help unless someone was throwing up or had a leaky diaper and I needed extra hands. Fast forward 6 years. Our children wake me up first always. They don't even bother with daddy. They love him but I am still the go to at night and now that I am 6 months pregnant it is more challenging. I think it is normal for babies to prefer mommy but dads can be great at getting babies back to sleep with some practice. If it works for you cool but just be aware that the routine the two of you create now will probably stick. Good luck :>

HealthyBodySickMind

I just stopped in to empathize. My husband has been battling depression lately, and it's very difficult on me as well as him. I can't help but think we are "wasting" our little girl's first year because he can't enjoy it right now.

qhiggins86

Just saw this post... my husband has been going through something very similar! We're 6 months PP, but he developed a kind of depression about a month ago. It seems like he's pulling himself out of it lately, but I'm not too sure. He's the one staying home with baby now that I'm back at work, so he doesn't get out much and with her napping less each day he stopped working out too. I've got my own struggles so it's hard to be calm with him when he is negative nancy. Hopefully things have turned around since you posted this. Good luck mama!

tiggerhammon

There is a light at the end of the tunnel! But, you can't ever give up searching for it or you won't find it.
Your husband looking for help is a good start.
I, personally, would keep being the primary caregiver during the night hours. Baby needs you, you know how to calm your baby and daddy just can't do it. But, encourage your husband to help during the day. Do not wait for those 'I am in a crisis' moments to ask for help either. Purposefully give him the baby when she is at her absolute happiest! Say 'she wants to play with her daddy while mommy makes lunch' (or something of the sort) never say anything insuating that he HAS to. He will bond with the baby and start appreciating the time he gets with her. Also, by giving him the baby when she is at her smiliest may help brighten his day and mood.
I know it isn't easy but do your best not to trigger or fester those bad moods. Every man has different triggers and I am sure you know his - just try not to be the one inflicting the poor moods.
Take care of you! Spend time doing the things you want to do. Be happy. Feel happiness. Surround yourself with everyone and everything that makes you feel good that you possibly can. Ground yourself as best you can and keep yourself strong. When your man needs someone to lean on and you are feeling weak, you will bend and break.
Don't beat yourself up. You are going to feel upset. You are going to feel irittated. You are going to cry. You are going to have moments where you feel weak. It is OK! Cry. Get it all out. Then, get up, dust off and try again.
If your man ever does or says anything truly out of line (name calling, insulting, etc) you have every right to call him on it. Yes, you do. Yes, you should. Don't ever be the one stepping over those lines yourself though.
Talk. To online friends. To family on the phone. To whomever you need to when you feel like you need someone to talk to. But, your husband is the most important. Don't forget that you need to talk to him and (whether he will admit it or not) he needs to talk to you.
Don't knock him. There are no takebacks when you spread dirt to people you know. Example: you tell your mother-in-law that her son hit you. Either you have to admit you lied or she will always believe it. Whatever ill thing about your husband you allow to escape your lips affects him and you! It can never be unsaid and it will affect his reputation. Be careful about what you say, words do real harm.
The hardest part is resisting the urge to do what a lot of women feel like they do best - read between the lines. It is so hard to deal with a man that won't come out and say how he feels, you gets bits and pieces but they don't actually let you in on all of it. You are stuck trying to decipher the pieces. Don't do it. All of the above advice I have offered is what helped me. Yes, I have been there and still am. Only, my man didn't just suffer from it post baby and it isn't temporary. It is something that he just suffers with, chemical, and I will spend the rest of my life learning how to handle it. This last one though is the number one thing I have had to learn to NOT do! Don't assume you know what he means. No matter how much I want to believe that I know my husband better than anybody, I still don't think like him. Every time he refuses to really tell me what is eating him and I try to guess, assume, figure it out, dig it out of him or otherwise try to find out what he isn't telling me it has always ended badly. Accept the fact that when he has a reason (whatever reason it may be, most of the time I still don't understand why he won't tell but whatever ) to keep it bottle up - let him be. Because trying to force it out of him will never work.

All this being said, every man is different too so I may not be being helpful at all. These are just a few things I learned on my own journey.