A rant. I'm scared to graduate.
neurocentric
Posts: 8 Member
My reasoning for writing tonight was based on a Facebook status a friend made. She's on her way back from Russia, where she was there for eleven days volunteering with the organization we help with, Russian Orphan Aid. It was a trip I was supposed to make, but financial issues arose and I couldn't afford the expenses. She's posted a lot of pictures, has had a generally good time, and I'm really happy for her, but I'm also extremely jealous as well. Why can I not just be happy for people? I mean, it really isn't her fault that I couldn't go. She wanted me to go. She was hoping I could go. She just had more resources to make the extra money. She has a car, and was able to get to people's houses to help them out in exchange for money to go, as well as pick up a few jobs. I couldn't.
She had a few fundraisers, and I just can't ask people for help that way. She's also single and has graduated college, so her life is not as tied down as mine is. With the visa she got, it goes for three years, so she can go back to Russia as she sees fit, and she probably will. If I want to go, I have to think about how my boyfriend will be able to afford the expenses here while I'm gone. We'd have to make sure that I could budget in a visa cost, and a plane ticket, and extra expenses like that, too, before I could even make a trip. I just worry that I'll never get to go back to Russia, and this is her THIRD time. Thinking about it makes me tense up inside. I know that I shouldn't compare my life to hers, or anyone's for that matter, but with something like this, it kills me.
I've wanted to do something with Russian since I was eight yeas old. I never thought I'd actually be graduating with a degree in it. And I know that I got to go to Russia once when others have never been. But I'm afraid, with my lack of Russian, that I will never be able to go again. That I'll never find a job with Russian translation, because they'd rather go for a native or heritage speaker. I'm just not sure how to go about my Russian training. Sure, I could learn how to say something like, "Can you pass the sugar?" but I'll NEVER be able to use it. That's the problem.
I have a friend of mine who is a born American, married to a Ukrainian. They live here in America, but they do travel to Ukraine to visit his family. She will always need to know how to say that phrase, because she will not only say it to his relatives in Ukraine, but she and her husband speak a mish-mash of Russian and English at home. I will never have that. My boyfriend does not speak Russian. He doesn't really want to learn Russian, and he's not good at learning languages. So when will I ever use these phrases? Sure, I've learned a ton, and remembered a ton, and I can say a lot of things that would get me through simple conversations. But I don't want to be just simple. I want to be advanced. I want to hear and speak in conversations and know what is going on and how to respond. But how can I do that if nothing I learn will ever be utilized?
They say the key to learning is repetition. It makes sense. But there are many Russian phrases that I just don't know because I could never apply them unless I was in class. I think this is why my Russian learning has become stunted. I know, deep in my heart, that none of what I learn will be utilized in the future. I will never live in Russia. I will probably never have the chance to go back to Russia. It will be extremely difficult for me to keep up this language if I never use it, and that makes me want to cry. Why did I go to college for four years to study Russian language, literature, film, and culture if I'm never going to use it once I escape campus life?
I went to Russia for five weeks in 2011, and it was the most interesting and amazing experience I ever had. Amid the culture shock - and the craziness from my boyfriend's emergency hospital stay - I loved it, even if it didn't always seem it. My one regret was that I didn't utilize the one reason I was there: LANGUAGE. I spoke Russian in class, and when I was forced to, but that was it. I didn't speak Russian with our group, I didn't try to speak to other people on my own like some did. I was frozen in my fear of making a mistake and not understanding someone that I felt like a tourist who is clueless about the country she was in. I didn't try hard enough, and I should have tried. I should have acted like those five weeks were the only five weeks I had in Russia (which they probably were) and I had five weeks to get as fluent as possible. Instead, I spoke English. And I hate that I didn't take the opportunity that I had to get better.
I'm just so frustrated. I have all these Russian language books, and I start looking at them, pouring over the pages and trying to absorb every shred of it that I can, but then I realize it's no use. If I say more than Что ты делаешь? to my boyfriend, he has no clue what I'm saying - he only understands things from context. I can speak to Kaleriya all I want in Russian, but she's a cat and isn't going to tell me if what I said was wrong. And yes, I speak in Russian to my girlfriends and we will most likely get together over the Fall semester and speak Russian, but at the end of the day it seems futile. I won't be fluent if I can't keep using the language, and I won't keep using the language because I won't be able to find a job, and I won't be able to find a job because I'm not fluent.
I don't want to graduate. The real world sucks - I've done it once before - and it's gonna hurt like a ***** when I have a degree and nothing to show for it.
She had a few fundraisers, and I just can't ask people for help that way. She's also single and has graduated college, so her life is not as tied down as mine is. With the visa she got, it goes for three years, so she can go back to Russia as she sees fit, and she probably will. If I want to go, I have to think about how my boyfriend will be able to afford the expenses here while I'm gone. We'd have to make sure that I could budget in a visa cost, and a plane ticket, and extra expenses like that, too, before I could even make a trip. I just worry that I'll never get to go back to Russia, and this is her THIRD time. Thinking about it makes me tense up inside. I know that I shouldn't compare my life to hers, or anyone's for that matter, but with something like this, it kills me.
I've wanted to do something with Russian since I was eight yeas old. I never thought I'd actually be graduating with a degree in it. And I know that I got to go to Russia once when others have never been. But I'm afraid, with my lack of Russian, that I will never be able to go again. That I'll never find a job with Russian translation, because they'd rather go for a native or heritage speaker. I'm just not sure how to go about my Russian training. Sure, I could learn how to say something like, "Can you pass the sugar?" but I'll NEVER be able to use it. That's the problem.
I have a friend of mine who is a born American, married to a Ukrainian. They live here in America, but they do travel to Ukraine to visit his family. She will always need to know how to say that phrase, because she will not only say it to his relatives in Ukraine, but she and her husband speak a mish-mash of Russian and English at home. I will never have that. My boyfriend does not speak Russian. He doesn't really want to learn Russian, and he's not good at learning languages. So when will I ever use these phrases? Sure, I've learned a ton, and remembered a ton, and I can say a lot of things that would get me through simple conversations. But I don't want to be just simple. I want to be advanced. I want to hear and speak in conversations and know what is going on and how to respond. But how can I do that if nothing I learn will ever be utilized?
They say the key to learning is repetition. It makes sense. But there are many Russian phrases that I just don't know because I could never apply them unless I was in class. I think this is why my Russian learning has become stunted. I know, deep in my heart, that none of what I learn will be utilized in the future. I will never live in Russia. I will probably never have the chance to go back to Russia. It will be extremely difficult for me to keep up this language if I never use it, and that makes me want to cry. Why did I go to college for four years to study Russian language, literature, film, and culture if I'm never going to use it once I escape campus life?
I went to Russia for five weeks in 2011, and it was the most interesting and amazing experience I ever had. Amid the culture shock - and the craziness from my boyfriend's emergency hospital stay - I loved it, even if it didn't always seem it. My one regret was that I didn't utilize the one reason I was there: LANGUAGE. I spoke Russian in class, and when I was forced to, but that was it. I didn't speak Russian with our group, I didn't try to speak to other people on my own like some did. I was frozen in my fear of making a mistake and not understanding someone that I felt like a tourist who is clueless about the country she was in. I didn't try hard enough, and I should have tried. I should have acted like those five weeks were the only five weeks I had in Russia (which they probably were) and I had five weeks to get as fluent as possible. Instead, I spoke English. And I hate that I didn't take the opportunity that I had to get better.
I'm just so frustrated. I have all these Russian language books, and I start looking at them, pouring over the pages and trying to absorb every shred of it that I can, but then I realize it's no use. If I say more than Что ты делаешь? to my boyfriend, he has no clue what I'm saying - he only understands things from context. I can speak to Kaleriya all I want in Russian, but she's a cat and isn't going to tell me if what I said was wrong. And yes, I speak in Russian to my girlfriends and we will most likely get together over the Fall semester and speak Russian, but at the end of the day it seems futile. I won't be fluent if I can't keep using the language, and I won't keep using the language because I won't be able to find a job, and I won't be able to find a job because I'm not fluent.
I don't want to graduate. The real world sucks - I've done it once before - and it's gonna hurt like a ***** when I have a degree and nothing to show for it.
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If you don't know many people who speak Russian, why not join some organizations to get some more practice in the language? I did a search and this was the first site I found: http://russian.meetup.com/ There are a lot of groups that meetup solely to speak Russian, so maybe there's one near you. I think they're free too. Or offer to host Russian tourists at your place through Couchsurfing. If you can't afford to visit Russia, there are always Russian enclaves in the US you can visit. Maybe consider going to grad school, take more language classes (in school or through a local business), or find a different way that will allow you to speak the language regularly.
Save up some money, even if it takes a year or more, if you want to go to Russia again, and maybe visit an area that doesn't have as many English speakers. Avoid Facebook if your friend's updates put you in a bad mood and try not to focus on what other people are doing. You might have to accept that you'll need to take a job unrelated to your major for a while, but that doesn't mean that getting your dream job is impossible.0
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