I've had eating disorders since I was a kid...

jackibailey

I'm not sure why. Part of it stems from abuse. Part of it from getting bullied. A big part of it fueled by the need to be perfect. The perfect daughter, student, friend, wife, and mother. And I am so not perfect. So far from it. I have all spectrums of eating disorders, but I think restrictive eating with bulimia is probably the one that takes over. Oh I don't know. I'm also a binge eater too. I've gained and lost hundreds of pounds over the years. In may I had gastric bypass surgery after reaching my all time high of 362 pounds. The thing I'm dealing with now is restrictive eating, binging and purging. And it's so stupid because my stomach is so small I can hardly eat anything. Yet I binge and purge lately everyday. The guilt I feel from eating is relentless. And it's not that I'm hungry. I do not feel hungry since my surgery. Yet I can't stop thinking about food lately. I eat my regular meals and drink my protein shakes and drink crap loads of water, but it's like it's not satisfying and the need for something more pops into my head and will not leave till I eat it and throw it up. Stupid stupid stupid. December has been my worst month since my surgery. I'm trying to reign it in, but feel like I'm white knuckling it for sure. I start over everyday. Tell myself today I'll be good. So...today I'll be good and hope this is day 1 of being binge and purge free. If my doctor knew he'd just kill me. Sigh

girlviernes

Welcome, Jacki! I'm sorry to hear about all of your struggles. I sincerely hope in addition to posting here (which I know is tough in the first place) that you find a psychologist that specializes in treating eating disorders. Bingeing and purging with the bypass can be dangerous, and you deserve to be able to have some peace in your life. I would also encourage you to let your doctor know what is happening - the more we hide things the more shame we feel. I can't say how he'll react, a lot of docs can be insensitive and even jerks, but it is important that he know so you can get proper care. He may know of a clinical health psychologist that works with bariatric surgery patients.

NourishtoFlourish

I hope you're getting help. I'm in recovery from severe bulimia that progressed back into EDNOS when I began restricting. I've also had EDs since I was a child, from BED to anorexia. It's not a life. Add me if you would like positive support

totaldetermination

I echo the above advice. But mostly wanted to say that I really feel for you. It can be so hard to control. But know that it is possible. We all have such strength deep within us. It may take time, and their may be challenges along the way, but as long as you don't give up you will get there. Everyday that you try again, is a victory just for trying.