Starting over...
BoubouChan
Posts: 163 Member
I am posting this because I feel the need to put it out there, to acknowledge where I'm at right now.
Every day is a battle, but I am finally starting to make steps in the right direction I think, after more than a month of real struggle. Over the years, I've always gone through cycles of weight loss (less binging) and weight gain (out of control binging), each phase lasting a couple of months. I was looking at my 90-day weight graph this morning and I was hit with a hard to swallow truth: I am currently at my highest weight in three months. You can see when it started going sour in December, and you can see the two crazy crash diets I followed in December then January, only to go right back to binging in both instances. I left out the actual numbers on the left, but there is a 10 lbs difference between highest and lowest, which on my small frame is a lot. I can't fit into any of the clothes I bought last Fall.
This time around, I am not going to be super restrictive to try and lose this weight as quickly as possible. Existing in this body is difficult, and my self-hatred is strong. But what is done is done, and the weight can't vanish because I want it to.
I am going back to the basics of therapy, and doing exercises to change the way I think, because my brain is just plain wired wrong. I've been binging on autopilot these past few weeks. On days I could, I would just eat from sunup until sundown, for no reason other than I felt I needed to. I had to. But I didn't....
Every day is a battle, but I am finally starting to make steps in the right direction I think, after more than a month of real struggle. Over the years, I've always gone through cycles of weight loss (less binging) and weight gain (out of control binging), each phase lasting a couple of months. I was looking at my 90-day weight graph this morning and I was hit with a hard to swallow truth: I am currently at my highest weight in three months. You can see when it started going sour in December, and you can see the two crazy crash diets I followed in December then January, only to go right back to binging in both instances. I left out the actual numbers on the left, but there is a 10 lbs difference between highest and lowest, which on my small frame is a lot. I can't fit into any of the clothes I bought last Fall.
This time around, I am not going to be super restrictive to try and lose this weight as quickly as possible. Existing in this body is difficult, and my self-hatred is strong. But what is done is done, and the weight can't vanish because I want it to.
I am going back to the basics of therapy, and doing exercises to change the way I think, because my brain is just plain wired wrong. I've been binging on autopilot these past few weeks. On days I could, I would just eat from sunup until sundown, for no reason other than I felt I needed to. I had to. But I didn't....
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Sounds like you have some very helpful data. So is your conclusion that restricting actually leads to weight gain since it is followed by increased bingeing?0
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Sounds like we are in this together! Every time I would be on the road to success, the binge claimed me, not just one day, but several at a time. Now it seems every time I binge, the scale has a new "highest weight" to display to me, which is of course very upsetting.
I agree that being super restrictive is the greatest downfall. Slow and steady is the way to win the race, we just have to take it one step (and day) at a time. A large deficit is not good for us bingers. Small deficits add up over time, we just need to wait for them (but most of the time we are too worried about getting a particular binge's weight off as soon as possible).
Great job for being accountable. We can get through this together
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I'M A MEMBER OF THIS GROUP BECAUSE I'VE HAD THOSE DAYS TOO. NO RHYME OR REASON JUST BINGE EATING.
SEARCHING WITHIN AS YOU HAVE DONE IS THE ONLY THING THAT ALLOWS ME TO FIND PERSPECTIVE. KEEP AT THE SELF DISCOVERY AND CONGRATULATIONS ON FINDING AN ENLIGHTENED PERSPECTIVE BASED ON YOUR PERSONAL EXPERIENCE AND NOT OTHER PEOPLE'S OPINIONS.0 -
girlviernes wrote: »Sounds like you have some very helpful data. So is your conclusion that restricting actually leads to weight gain since it is followed by increased bingeing?
Oh I know that severe restriction leads to binging and weight gain, that's for sure. On both occasions that I decided to drastically cut calories (less than 1000 actual, less than 300 net), hoping for a quick weight loss, I failed miserably.
What led me to frequently binge from December on, after several months of doing better, is a combination of things. There was the beginning of winter (i.e.: less time spent outdoors, less exercising, less light) and then disappointment over a work opportunity that didn't work out, as well as other stressful events, namely my cat being ill and undergoing an operation (which turned out fine, thankfully!).
Soon enough I was stuck in a vicious cycle and I am still trying to get out of it.0
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