Reaching out for a bit of help

nineateseven

This is usually the point in my weight loss attempts - a little over a month in - where I have had to sign out of a calorie counting program and not allow myself to go back for a few months or more. I dealt with disordered eating (same thought and behavior patterns as someone with anorexia, but without the severe symptoms that would qualify for a diagnosis) in high school, and trying to lose weight is always risky for someone like me.

The problem is, without losing weight, I'm stuck in a bad cycle. I know that most of my weight is leftover from when I was pregnant with my son in 2012, but it still triggers negative thought patterns, even when I'm not trying to lose weight. I always wait to start a weight loss attempt until other things in my life are going well so I have the best mindset going into it. Even then, the effort to lose weight usually triggers the same thought patterns that started me down a dangerous road in high school. So I have to stop my weight loss efforts, and that leaves me stuck with a body size and composition that still triggers negative thought patterns. And that's not just perception. Just before Christmas, I weighed enough that my BMI and body fat estimate put me in the "obese" category. Talk about a trigger for negative thought patterns


I'm doing EM2WL because I believe in the theories and because it feels like the best chance I have for breaking the cycle. I feel like the calculation give me a sense of control that works to keep me away from the danger zone instead of moving me closer to the edge. I'm using a food scale specifically to make sure I get enough food. It's really easy for people like me to unintentionally fudge things and under-eat. I'm also making sure that my MFP friends are either part of the EM2WL community or have food diaries I can't see.

I feel like I have the best possible chance of succeeding this time... but it's still so hard sometimes. I'm not willing to go back to the dangerous habits I had in early high school, but I don't know if I can fully communicate just how significant those old thought patterns can be. One of the main problems with anorexic-type thinking is that you associate the sensation of hunger with a sense of control. There starts to be a positive association in the brain when it comes to hunger signals. And it's easy for someone like me to just stop eating.

I know that might sound a little crazy to some of my MFP friends who see my food diary and know I like food, but that's actually pretty common with people who deal with this kind of thinking. People like me generally like food... but it's easy to simply not eat.

I guess as far as help goes... I'm not really sure what to ask for. I know it's best for me to keep logging calories because it helps me make sure I'm getting enough. My food scale confirmed that a few weeks ago. When I first got my food scale, I was stunned to find out that what I thought was 1 serving of cheese was only 1/3 of a serving. What I thought was 1 serving of green peppers was less than half a serving. When I make a protein shake, I have to weigh it out. The directions say "2 rounded scoops" but that leaves too much room for me to make each scoop just barely above level and call it "rounded", when the directions mean much more. I found an old running log entry where I wrote that I'd been feeling off and decided to log my calories to see where I was... and I wasn't even close to netting 1000 calories that day. So I definitely need to log, and I need to get my body to a healthier composition... but I need to stay safe in doing so.

I guess one think I can ask for is accountability. For anyone who is friends with me on MFP (or wants to be), if you see a completed diary entry that is less than 200 below my goal, please call me out on it. Something as simple as, "Looks like you have a little room for ice cream" would get my attention Just knowing that people might check will probably be enough for me to stay closer to my goal.

If you've read this far, thank you! And thanks for being such an awesome group of people.
- Michele

Jennbecca33

Hi! We can support you and check your diary as well. Most of this process is mental, and it is so difficult, especially for those that have fought disordered eating for years, whether diagnosed or not. I was never "diagnosed" because I was always overweight and most would never look at an overweight person and think they have an eating disorder, but I was a pro at literally starving myself for long periods at a time. I have to log every day as well, or I will under eat - and then I will binge. Horrible cycle to be in. I simply cannot afford to under eat. I think I will always have to log - even in maintenance.

Be careful though in trying to control every little thing. This creates stress whether you feel it or not. We can't control everything - there will be good days and bad. There will be days when mentally you do not feel strong. I've noticed several times that you really tend to overthink everything and you are extremely detailed and organized when it comes to your eating, exercise, and really everything - and that's not totally bad - but sometimes it can have a negative effect if you know what I mean. For people that think like this, if one little thing goes astray, it can really send you for a tailspin. So try not to feel as is everything has to be absolutely perfect...because it just won't. But this comes with time and learning to allow ourselves a little forgiveness when we need to.

You're doing great - keep using the forums to post and encourage yourself and others.

sjohnson7492

Wow...your story is so interesting in that I have the opposite problem! I just posted about binge eating disorder which I know I have had for many years. I think you are doing great and I'm sorry you have to think about it so much, it's hard to log in and make yourself eat more and it's hard for me to make myself stop eating when I need to. I will think good thoughts for you and I wish I had more to offer but I'm not exactly an expert here...just know that there are people out there who are struggling with you and care!!

nineateseven

@Jennbecca33‌ - Thank you. So much.

And your comment about me having a tendency to overthink things made me laugh. Yes and amen! LOL! You're right that it's probably the thing that spins me into trouble right around this time and leads to me needing to stop everything so I don't go down the wrong path again.

This time, I think I caught myself - in part, thanks to you and a few of other EM2WL folks - and am working to simplify. I know what my goals are: I want to be strong, healthy, and able to run fast... it's not as enjoyable for a former sprinter to run slow! So I'm trying to focus on that.

I'm in a cutback week right now and next week will start a month of focusing on strength (3 days) and speed (2 days with 30 minutes of fun, fast cardio like Zumba). I may go against my usual mentality and up my calories to my full TDEE during that time. My entire goal for the strength & speed part of my training is to get my body ready for 5K training that I hope to start in March. A strong foundation for running matters more to me than losing weight. At least I do know that right now. It's kind of a scary thought to up my calories that high because I'm technically just below the BMI mark for being "obese", but it might be exactly what I need to get over this hurdle and focus on what I really want: strength, health, and injury-free running.

Thanks for being such a great friend!
- Michele

nineateseven

@sjohnson7492‌ - Thank you. It really does mean a lot to know that I'm not alone (whatever the struggle may be) and that people care I'll be keeping you in my thoughts, too.

- Michele

kiragami

I'm here to help if I can^^
And you know, there really is always room for ice cream!

nineateseven

@kiragami‌ - There is! My husband and I polished off what was left in a carton of Turkey Hill All Natural Chocolate last night

nineateseven

I talked to my husband last night so he's aware of what's going on. He kept assuring me that I look great, and I reminded him that my body likes to hide extra weight in my thighs and hips. His response? Big smile and, "Ooooh yeah!! Curveh!! Hot mama!" He's the best

I asked him to keep me accountable for measuring my food so I don't underestimate my portions, and he knows to keep an eye on me to make sure I'm not delaying meals for too long (one of my primary maladaptive tactics). He is on MFP so he can check in on my diary, too, but he's kind of a newbie to the whole MFP thing so I don't know how often he'll do that.

Thank you, again for being so supportive

Makatees

@nineateseven‌ What an awesome hubby you have! Just the fact that you have his support will surely help to keep you on track! I totally understand obsessiveness about underestimating calories! It's been a struggle to learn to love food and not see it as some kind of enemy which wants to mess up my body by making it fat! My mother has been very overweight all her life and I have been terrified of ending up like her, and I wonder how much of an effect that fear has had over me. I am slowly consciously trying to see food as a friend which is there to nourish, not harm but it is a daily process. Good luck, you will get there!

nineateseven

Thanks @Makatees‌! My struggles have some of the same roots. I was adopted, and both my adoptive mother and biological mother have struggled with weight issues. I know biologically, I have the potential to put on a lot of weight, and I know my birthmother has had a difficult time losing weight even though I know she's trying the best she can. My adoptive mother also makes a very strong effort to lose weight, but also has a difficult time. But both of them have hypothyroidism. I don't. Even though I know that, it's hard for me to keep it in perspective. I just see the way they feel about their own bodies and how difficult it is for them to lose weight, and it's not a place I want to be.

nineateseven

UPDATE: I hit a few tough spots this week, but pulled through without any major slips

Had moments where I compulsively poured a little bit of milk out of a glass because it was slightly more than 1 cup or couldn't get myself to take a bowl of yogurt off the scale until it was exactly 113 grams and not 114 grams... but I also had small victories where I resisted the temptation to measure myself for long enough that I was able to take the measuring tape out of my pocket and stuff it somewhere out of site and where I ate the small bit of ice cream that was left on the spoon after I measured a serving into a bowl without feeling guilty about unmeasured calories.

The good news is that I stuck with my increased calorie level and waited until Saturday to weigh myself... and everything was fine. With today being an "official" check in, I found my measuring tape and realized I'd lost half an inch in the places where my body is holding the most extra fat stores. That's a really good reward for toughing it out and trusting my body's hunger signals

Here's to hoping for a better week this week! Thanks, again, for being such a healthy, encouraging group of friends.

mymodernbabylon

Well done! I have a similar story to you in that in university I severely restricted my calories and probably had an EDOS versus anorexia. I did some CBT work and that really helped. I'm now a CBT therapist and can suggest a self-help course that works quite well for many people: http://www.getselfhelp.co.uk/selfhelp.htm.

Keep up the good work!

nineateseven

Wanted to share a great resource on eating disorders and how important it is to breakdown common myths. The National Eating Disorder Association is running an awareness campaign called, "I Had No Idea!" and it's awesome.

I've heard a lot of "I had no idea!" from people in my life when I've asked for help with my eating issues.

It's incredibly important for people to realize that disordered eating isn't as easy to spot as most people think. I've hear things like, "But you're not super thin!" and "But you eat! You eat things like cake and ice cream. You love food!" Researchers are finding that it is extraordinarily common for people with anorexia to love food, and just not eat it. It's like admiring a good piece of artwork from afar. It's also not unusual for people with anorexia to eat something like cake - we're just more likely to compensate by finding a way to avoid eating dinner. People with disordered eating are very good at hiding their behaviors. It's not about manipulation and deception - it's again about needing to feel that sense of control. That's why it was such a big deal for me to share what was going on with people here and with my husband. The thought patterns with disordered eating are strongly averse to transparency and accountability. Sharing and being open starts to break that down.

It's also important to recognize that recovery is a very long, uncertain road. I've also heard a lot of, "But you're okay now. That was a long time ago, and you had counseling in college," and "But you're so happy!" I am happy - my cheerful posts aren't a facade - but happy people can still struggle with painful thoughts. If you know anyone who has ever fought through an eating disorder, be gentle with them and know that there are probably days when they're still fighting a fierce battle on the inside.

Here's the link:

http://nedawareness.org/get-in-the-know