THE THERAPY CHRONICLES

tsikkz

I reached out for professional BED help on Monday 2nd February.

I think I will claim a thread here to chronicle my treatment and answer any questions people have so please don't be shy to ask me any questions, I can also be reached via personal message (If this breaks any rules I am sorry and will take this elsewhere)

I write like prose, maybe someday someone will want to publish this?


DISCLAIMER: While I will try not to be triggering, I want this to be an information resource that will help people decide whether professional help is something that they should consider, therefore I cannot guarantee that you will not be triggered and do not recommend this thread if you feel like you are close to a binge. Names and places are changed and conversations are paraphrased and don’t represent direct quotes from me or anyone.

Also, I’m a unicorn.

My decision to reach out for help was a difficult one, I never felt like I had an eating disorder because I wasn’t really huge or really small, I am very physically active and bingeing removed, I live an extremely healthy lifestyle. I lied to myself for a long time.

The only time I would be honest with my problem was “rock bottom” that post binge stuffed sausage feeling I’m sure we are all familiar with. It was a rare occasion that I was at this point during business hours so I started searching for clinical counsellors in the area.

I made two appointments in the following week with two separate counsellors, one on the 13th of Feb and one on the 18th. The 13th was a free consultation with a clinical counsellor who I didn’t talk to on the phone (set up the appointment via text message) and the 18th was with a different clinical counsellor (one with a higher qualification and the title of “Dr.”) and I spoke with her on the phone and while she didn’t offer me a free session, she said I could ask her anything during the phone call.

THE PHONE CALL

Dr. C: Hi this is Dr. C, is Toni there?

Me: Oh hey, how are you?

Dr. C: Good thanks, I got your message about needing some help with your binging

Me: Um yeah, it’s getting pretty bad, I’ve gained 20lbs in the past 12 months.

Dr. C: Ok, I worked at the eating disorder clinic on PoopyRainbow street for 5 years so I’m
pretty familiar with eating disorders and I think I can help you, how bad do you think it is?

Me: well uh, I probably have maybe 2 good days a week if that and usually at least one really bad day a week (voice cracking)

Dr.C: Ok, would you say this is impacting your life?

Me: yes, I find it very distressing.

Dr. C: mmm yeah, thats no good, I should be able to help you let me have a look at my appointment schedule..

Following the appointment set up and thankyou-goodbye I hung up the phone, planted my face into the nearest pillow and cried all the unicorn tears I had. I cried and cried I wailed I screamed until the poor pillow probably needed therapy too. I don’t think I had ever admitted out loud that I had a problem, a few passive remarks to my boyfriend here and there, but never direct verbatim. I recorded a snotty wet-eyed video, maybe one day I’ll post it for the world to see.

Distressing has always been my adjective of choice to describe my BED, here is the dictionary.com definition:

distress
[dih-stres]

1.
great pain, anxiety, or sorrow; acute physical or mental suffering; affliction; trouble.
2.
a state of extreme necessity or misfortune.
3.
the state of a ship or airplane requiring immediate assistance, as when on fire in transit.
4.
that which causes pain, suffering, trouble, danger, etc.

I’m on fire in transit, and that phonecall was someone answering my smoke signal. I’m still burning but I feel a whole lot better.

I even told my Mum (I’m Australian born, Mum is my biological mother, Mom is my boyfriends mother)
My Mum was surprised but supportive. Honestly just TELLING PEOPLE is making me feel better. Mum even offered to pay for my therapy which made me laugh.

I actually went 4 days without binging after that which was its own glorious miracle.

THE FIRST COUNSELLING SESSION
“Hi I’m Kate, come in and take a seat”

How does Kate’s hair defy gravity like that? I sat on the couch and started at her intently, waiting to be cured of all my afflictions.

It started pretty simple, she asked me about my binges and how I feel when they happen, how often and what foods I consume. Then Kate sat up a little straighter, uncrossed her legs and re-crossed them with the other knee on top and peered at me over the top of her thin pressed together fingers:

“Tell me about your childhood..”

Oh god, I’m the onion Proceed the next 10 minutes of Kate trying to peel away layers that I just don’t have. I wasn’t abused, I didn’t go without food. Literally 10 minutes and my whole life story was told, and I sat there in the awkward silence until I just blurted out “I’m sorry I don’t have anything more to tell you”

Kate told me that though deep analysis into my past and upbringing, I will find the root cause for my binge eating and that “though insight, my problems will correct themselves” and suggested that I see her once a week for 6 months. I quickly did the math and at $100 a session I was looking at $2400 plus tax. How would I last a 60 minute session with this woman if I ran out of things to say after 10?

Dr. C told me this method of counselling is called “Psychoanalytic Therapy” and that there is not a lot of evidence that it works for eating disorders. I am by no means saying this type of therapy won’t work, or that eating disorders are not caused by traumatic events in your past, after all I only experienced it in a 30 minute introductory session. I am simply saying that it was not what I was looking for, and I didn’t connect with Kate, or walk out of that session with any insight.

The point I’m trying to make is it pays to shop around and wait until you find someone who you believe can help you. A good therapist has experience in your problems and you leave their sessions feeling empowered and with new tools to conquer the world. Leaving the appointment with Kate, I felt disappointed but the knowledge that I was seeing Dr. C a few days later was reassuring.

I hope you enjoyed this thus far. I'm writing the second chapter which is about my frist appointment I had with Dr. C

kge0891

Thanks for the insight. I've played with the thought of therapy sometimes, don't really have the money or time for it though. Will be interested to see how your next appointment turns out!

Kjs_

I've gone through therapy twice & I always give it up after 4-5 sessions I really need to get back into it & maintain it. Good for you for taking that first step though!! I hope it helps

tsikkz

Chapter 2: The first counselling session (again)

February 18th, 2015 (written on the 23rd)

Most of the time I think about food. Today I was thinking about snapping off my neighbor’s windshield wipers and using them to impale his tires.

I stared in disbelief at the perfect park job, and by perfect I mean perfectly straddling the line between my spot and his. After letting out a banshee scream coupled with a few choice words I begrudgingly parked in guest parking and stomped into my apartment.
I’ll call the apartment manager. I decided that would be the sane route. My parents taught me well, and I knew that it is wise to wait for that rage-spiked adrenaline to process out of my system before I made that phone call as gentle temperament Toni is how I choose to present myself to the world.

It’s just a parking spot. No big deal. The angel on my shoulder says, until the devil comes and roundhouse kicks her back into non-existence and I’m left sitting alone in my apartment fuming.

Without even thinking I resort to the only way I know how to make the screaming in my mind stop.

Enter stage left: The binge

I decided that I won’t go into detail here about binges. It was out of control and I felt better, but so so much worse too.

I think during a binge we look for excuses to give up like “I’ll start over again tomorrow” or “I’ll run a 10k tomorrow” this time my excuse was “hey, you’re going to therapy tonight for bingeing so may as well prove to yourself you need it”.

As I walk out to my car (and view the handy work of Mr *kitten*) my rage grows again and I drive to my appointment high-strung and belly stretched.

MEETING DR. C

Good one Toni, 30 seconds into therapy and you’re already reaching for the tissues you crazy *kitten* “I-I’m not usually like this”

I told her about Mr *kitten*, and the binge.

I didn’t have to teach her what a binge was like. She already knew. I also told her about my fail appointment with Kate and that I wanted coping strategies and information I could use.

She assured me that my recovery would involve plenty of homework.

I should also mention I filled out a questionnaire a few days prior, it asked me what I was hoping to gain from therapy and asked me to rate various aspects of my life: social, career, self-worth etc.

I was asked about depression, anxiety, panic attacks and obsessive compulsive behaviors.

“You don’t seem to have much else going on besides the binges, which is good news” Dr C said gesturing around the air, as if she was wiping any other potential problems and putting “BINGE EATER” front and center. She also seemed pleased with my general attitude to food and fitness, I am not carb restrictive and I enjoy my banned foods outside of the home (eg. I would eat an ice cream at McDonalds but I won’t have ice cream in my fridge)

“You are also smart and logical so I’m confident in your recovery “
Oh you! I bet you tell that to all your crazy patients

Dr. C: I know you were saying you don’t want to track food because it leads to calorie counting, but I would like you to keep a food journal, all research shows that people who write down what they eat see more success, just write it down in a notebook you don’t need to track the calories.

FU MyFitnessPal!

Me: Ok, I guess I could do that

Dr. C: Do you weigh yourself?

Me: No, I’ve gained a lot of weight so I kind of avoid the scale, and mirrors, and
reflections, photos, back of spoons...

Dr. C: do you have an estimate of your weight?

Me: probably about 155lbs, maybe more now.

Dr. C: Hmm well given the frequency of your bingeing you probably have a set point about 20lbs lighter

Me: I’ll take 5!


Weighing 135lbs seems like a foggy memory in my past..

Even if I go back to my pre weightloss weight of 205lbs, if it would free me of this insidious obsession with food, the constant fear of the gnawing feeling inside that can only be satiated by a binge, the ability for cookies and ice cream to exist in my house for longer than 5 hours, I don’t give a rats *kitten* what I look like. Add 200lbs! Give me warts all over my face! Green skin! Bananas for hands!

I found it interesting when Dr. C asked me about supplements. She suggested I keep an eye on my Iron levels, take Zinc Citrate and to make sure I am getting enough Omega Fats. I felt pretty guilty about all the supplements in my pantry that I don’t take. The next day I went to the store and made sure I had all these supplements.

She asked me if I anticipate my binges. I said absolutely. “Anticipation is the most powerful addictive behavior” maybe its breaking that pre-binge once you have decided you are going to binge point that is the key to recovery?

I left the appointment with plenty of homework; I have to start a food journal, read a book called “life without Ed – Jenni Schaefer” and she sent me a link to an Australian site with modules for me to read and work through.

Heres the link:
http://www.cci.health.wa.gov.au/resources/consumers.cfm
It may be helpful to some of you who cannot obtain therapy.


LIFE WITHOUT ED –Jenni Schaefer

Its about a woman who overcomes her anorexia B/P by separating her eating disorder from herself, personifying it in the representation of an abusive relationship. She names her abuser ED, obviously coming from “eating disorder” and it chronicles her journey “divorcing Ed”.

This seems to be a pretty common technique for in and out patient therapy for anorexia and bulima, and also the same technique found in the thread here: me vs the binge.

Separating your ED away from your personality seems to be a great technique to make recovery possible, especially when it feels like the behavior is so ingrained in your identity.
There were a few things in the book I will be discussing with Dr. C:

I was very alarmed at how some of Jennis anorexic behaviors were the same as mine. Jenni talks about doing a “body check” to make sure she is the skinniest in a group. I don’t do this, but I definitely used to do this when I was thinner. Then she mentioned some kinds of mind games and rules for eating out, which I used to do, and still do. It almost makes me feel like if I didn’t slide down this binging path, it’s extremely likely I would have fallen into anorexia. She also talks about the screaming voice of Miss. Perfectionist, which I definitely relate to a lot.

It was a good fast easy read, obviously as a binger we are basically half-bulimics, we have the binging and shame without the compensatory behaviors, so there are always take aways in eating disorder books of any kind.

If you read this thanks, I'll update after my next appointment

girlviernes

Just wanted to say I read this, thank you for sharing your experiences, you describe them very well. I hope that you get a lot out of therapy. Homework is a good sign

tsikkz

Ive been sick but I'll post the next one tonight I wrote most of it after the appointment but I just need to proof read it and haven't had time this week.

tsikkz

THE SECOND SESSION (Feb 6th, 2015)
Dr. C was pleased with my commitment to my “homework”, admittedly the time period between the first and second session (16 days) was too long and I slipped back into my old ways.
I kind of felt like she threw me the book because I told her I read a lot and I was surprised when she could recite the book as thoroughly as I could. She seemed genuinely interested in the other two books I read since I last saw her, maybe 10 minutes of “book club” will be our thing at the start of each session.

You relationship with your therapist is unique and having something in common that you both enjoy is great for forming that basis of trust and commitment to recovery. If you feel like your therapist is a swindling liar you will have a more difficult time opening up to them.

“So what do you want to name it?”
Name what? I asked
“You need to give these cravings a name so its separate from yourself and who you are, just like Jenni did in the book. Do you want to name it Ed?”
Ed didn’t seem like a punchable name to me. Besides, MFP had already given it a name for me.
“I want to call it The Binge. The binge is coming, I can feel the binge.” Screw you binge!

We reviewed my food diary and explored the circumstances and behaviors around my binges. These are some “weak points” that allow my disordered eating to take place:

1. Anticipation – I feel powerless to the binge, and when I feel it coming I treat it as something that is inevitable, not something that I have a choice to stop. Now that the binge has a label its time to stand up to it at this point rather than “pave the path” and allow it to happen.

2. Lonelyness – We identified that I often binge when I am alone

3. My binges last usually 2-3 days before I hit “Rock bottom” then get back on track, this seems to be like a cycle of willpower, I last x amount of days before my willpower depletes.

4. I don’t keep binge food in my house so one of my disordered behaviors is to go shopping under the guise of “buying healthy food” (which I never truly believe that’s my purpose in my head), I always end up with an apple plus a bunch of binge foods.

Then onto the practical coping mechanisms, we are using a cycle of identifying “the binge”, then applying my own developed strategies against them, they weren’t given to me, they were created by me with the help of Dr.C, if you develop your own strategies I encourage you to first list out your behaviors around your binge like I did above, then with those behaviors and triggers in mind, create strategies that target them.

Also they aren’t in any particular order.

Here are my strategies:
1. Don’t pave the path – I treat the binge like something that must happen, rather than something I have the power to prevent. When I feel it coming I need to take a moment to remember that I can tell it to *kitten* off, instead of panicking and worrying about when and where it’s going to happen.

2. It makes things worse not better – I need to remind myself that giving into the binge does nothing but cause me guilt and stress. Nothing good comes from a binge and the relief is only temporary.

3. Surf the urge –
“Did you know in nicotine addiction, the addiction cycle is about 1 hour, and lasts for only 90 seconds?” Dr. C waves her arms around in a parabola showing the peaking cravings. “if cigarette addicts just tolerate the craving for 90 seconds it passes”

Surfing the urge is about sitting with the craving, getting used to it and simply telling it “no.” Ive read a million websites on binge eating and I often see the whole “don’t eat for 15 mins and then if you’re still hungry, then you can eat” that is NOT what surfing the urge is about (I think most of us would painfully wait 15 mins then have a face-stuff-fest), its about naming your disordered triggers, and understanding that this is not biological hunger, and that the feeling will pass.

4. Distraction – When things get really tough, its just time to get away. My distractions are: clean my teeth, put my face on and ride my bike. Riding the bike is a good one because its entirely possible for me to leave the house and not come back until dinner time.

5. Plan your next healthy meal – I can think of the next appropriate time to eat and think of what I will eat at that time this fulfills the toying with food need but grants it structure and guidelines.

6. What do I really need? Am I thirsty? Am I tired? Am I bored? Dr. C says in binge eaters we learn to mask other needs with binging.

Dr. C hands me her clipboard and pen, with a blank promt card.
“Now I want you to take these strategies and turn them into a prompt card, this goes on your fridge”

I wrote out the strategies we created in my own words, I particularly enjoyed changing “go on a bike ride” to “take the stallion out”
When I went home I made two more cards, one goes on my fridge, one goes in my wallet, and one sits inside my fridge. I would never binge with someone watching me, and these cards serve as knowing judgmental eyes

The other side of the cards say
“Choose happiness not guilt” – On my fridge
“Don’t undo your hard work” – Inside my fridge
The one in my wallet is the most important to me, I drew a big STOP sign and next to it I wrote “Anticipation is the most powerful part of addiction DONT BUY IT” Its too large to tuck in my card holder, its there front and center when I open my wallet.

My next appointment is tomorrow, thanks for reading!

totaldetermination

this is so helpful to read. Thankyou.

tsikkz

THE THIRD SESSION (March 14th, 2015) – Removing the tools

*the date for the last entry was meant to be March 6th not Feb 6th

TRIGGER WARNING, SKIP THIS ONE IF YOU ARE TRIGGERED BY MENTION OF SPECIFIC BINGE FOODS

“It’s not that I don’t know what going to happen, it’s more like I don’t care at the time”

I arrived at my appointment exhausted, nearly delirious. I had gone home from graveyard, slept 2 hours then spent the last five at my 7 year old neices birthday party. I had to keep apologizing to people there mid conversation because I kept realizing I was talking nonsense (I talked for like 10 mins about fleece pants.. WHAT?)

“Our brains very clever, it always finds ways to go around the no and provide you with justification for bingeing” Ha, she waves her arms around so much.

Sometimes I want to scream at my brain. I never forget how horrible, guilty and miserable I am after a binge. Sometimes inside I’m screaming “noooooo” as I hand over money or open a bag. But the binge is louder. My movements feel robotic.

After gushing over how cute my little cards I made were, we got stuck into dissecting my latest episode. I would encourage you all to try doing this. Not necessarily your feelings, but your specific and unambiguous behaviors. I want to reiterate the binge warning for this next part.

I binge on bulk foods. You know where you fill a little bag and write a bin number on the little white twist tie and pay by weight? I like it because there’s no calories for me to be honest with myself over, the packaging is easy to dispose of and I can pretend I’m “just going to fill the bag a little bit” (which by the way has NEVER happened) and yes, that’s why I always have dog poop bags on hand.

I went in to get a plum and an avocado to eat at work. When the avocados were sub par, I somehow ended up with a nice sized bag of chocolate, somehow forgot to see the STOP card in my wallet and somehow found myself sitting in my car eating.

I pulled a little tiara out of my hair while telling Dr. C about it. Wow I really AM tired if I didn’t notice the little girls putting this on my head

“I guess deep down before I even drove to the store I was planning a binge subconsciously”

“Right. So lets look at how we can remove the tools that you use to binge” is she going to take my debit card? “No more bulk food stores for six months”

Six months? SIX MONTHS? As queen of bulk foods I know that basically every supermarket has a bulk food section and I’m basically stuck with the farm stand and super Walmart.

“But what about getting the best deal? What if I really want something that this one store has?”

One look from Dr.C and we both knew it. That was the binge, using my mouth to protest. If it could just get me in the doors of a supermarket it would have me swinging by the bulk food section. I’m not scraping pennies together. I can manage avoiding these stores.

I binged because I wasn’t prepared. If I had thought about having enough food to take something healthy to work I would never have ended up in that situation. So I need to be prepared. I resolve to keep my fridge stocked with healthy foods.

“If you woke up, and the binge was gone what would you feel?”

“Empty I guess. It’s a big part of my life.”

I’m still not sure why she asked me this question; she seemed surprised by my answer. Was I meant to say something like happy? In my tired babbling I mentioned that I don’t have a lot going on outside of obsessing over food. I told her I can easily go 2 or 3 days without speaking a word to anyone. I never used to be like this, when I moved to Canada I became very withdrawn socially but I realized that I have also withdrawn from online interaction also. I communicate with nobody, maybe this is why the voices in my head are so strong?

You know as I’m writing this two days later it occurred to me I'm drinking what will probably be my last diet coke in a long time. I purchased it before my session and have been drinking it here at work over the past few days. I know artificial sugars lead to more carbohydrate cravings and in my session we decided to treat the physical aspect of cravings as well as the mental.

I am committing to clean eating and daily email check ins with Dr. C. I know that when you give up junk food you go through a withdrawal but I think with the accountability I will make it.

As always thanks for reading and hope this was helpful. My next appointment is on the 24th

ladygusgoose

thank you for writing this.

Dennis4766

I appreciate you taking the time to write this out. I "graduated" from therapy long before I probably should have, but thats our health care system - my health care provider believes I can manage on my own. I especially found your 2nd session notes helpful for my situation.

superj016

I see so much of myself in what you write (the loneliness, the planning, the anticipation, the lack of a horrible childhood...even the desire to write). Please continue these posts! I am currently in a medically supervised weight loss program and I am struggling sticking to it because of binges. The social worker I see there has suggested specific BED therapy outside of what she is able to provide. I'm most concerned about how to choose a therapist. I can't imagine seeing someone else after I start opening up to them, even if they aren't a good fit. But the way you went about it seems very feasible. Like you said though, just being able to address this as a problem to the people in my program has taken a huge weight off my shoulders. Thanks again for letting me live vicariously through your therapy!

tsikkz

I head therapy today - but It wasn't really about binge eating. I am going through a traumatic experience and am not having any eating issues because other things are on my mind. My next appointment is on the 7th of April and I will update you all then. Thankyou to everyone for the comments it makes me so pleased to know that this has been helpful to some of you and I hope that those of you thinking about pursuing therapy take the chance and even meet with a therapist for a free consultation. Its worth every penny.

tsikkz

THE 4th AND 5TH SESSION
TRIGGER WARNING : Abusive relationships
April 7th and March 26th


I can’t believe its been a month since I updated, and looking for the right words to describe what has happened to me is very hard.

I’m not “cured” but I have binged on only two occasions this past month. For some two is bad, but for me, it’s a miracle. Not only that but I have been losing weight for the first time in a long time, food has lost its value in my life and I would consider myself a completely different person than who I was when I first started this ordeal.

I paint myself here as withdrawn, lonely and unhappy. The cycle of depression and binge is a difficult one to break, If any of you looked that the module link I provided in my first session with Dr C summary, you will see a graphic that shows how depression and the binge are best buddies who take turns invading your mind and thoughts.


I can say without a doubt in my mind that I am completely different now. I am social, enriched and happy. I am projecting myself onto the world and the few friends I have are now finally learning how much they mean to me.

Binge eating makes you withdrawn. I didn’t have much else going on in my life, which gave opportunity and motive for the binge to fill the huge gap.

I don’t know if this will help you, and writing this is really hard, but these are chronicles of my experience with therapy, and how it helped me. I thought I had hit “rock bottom” when I first reached out for therapy. But I realize now in order for me to build myself back up to a healthy place mentally and physically, I had to truly lose everything.



“How much?”

“I... don’t know..”

I rubbed my eyes, maybe hoping that if I rubbed them hard enough I wouldn’t be sitting across from Dr. C facing the hard truths, maybe I could rub myself over to some beach in Hawaii where I didn’t have to answer this question.
“How much?”

I moved my hand from my eyes to my mouth. Nope don’t have a mouth anymore you wouldn’t ask someone without a mouth questions.

Her blue eyes vs. my green eyes, I’m determined to win the stare-off.


The session before this I spent bawling on the couch of emotions, I had just experienced betrayal at the hands of my boyfriend and ultimately ended the relationship. Breakups are hard.

Breakups are especially hard when you are lonely and socially withdrawn.

They are also hard when you move to a foreign country for a guy, and find yourself alone with no family and no friends for support.

But they are the most hard when your therapist is making you realize that for the past 5 years you have been in an emotionally manipulative relationship.

“I’m not trying to upset you, but we need to put an amount on this so that you never ever go back to him”

I worked my *kitten* off for five years to pay for everything we had. I was the sole breadwinner for the duration of our relationship. Yep. I sugarmomma’d a perfectly functional grown man for 5 years.

Man, just looking at my previous sentence I can see how stupid it looks. It’s important to remember there was a lot of emotional abuse in this relationship too. I was socially withdrawn because I wasn’t allowed to go out. The isolation started when I first moved to Canada to be with him, which was the ultimate isolation I guess. I was only 18 years old.

Abusive partners/spouses generally aren’t doing it on purpose. They behave out of fear. I knew exactly how unbalanced my relationship was and tried to leave several times over the years. My partner was very sick too and his progress in therapy was one of the reasons I chose to seek help for my own issues.

I will always love him and I don’t blame him. I had a great relationship with him as a whole, and had already kicked him out of my apartment 9 months prior to our breakup. Maybe one day we will be able to be friends again too.

And the not-quite-a-million dollar question?

I gave Dr. C a conservative estimate of the living expenses to sustain a mid-to-late 20 year old for 5 years.

I will never go back to him.

(there is more to this entry I will post in a couple days, thanks for reading)

tsikkz

4/5 PART 2: CLIMBING OUT OF ROCK BOTTOM

*kitten* I haven’t eaten anything today. I don’t get hunger cues but I figure that the intense abdominal cramping has something to do with hunger.

I made a smoothie and basked in my own internal silence.

Bliss.

Emotionally, I have been through the garbage disposal. Without the help of Dr. C I have no doubt I would have used food to pacify my emotions, instead of doing what I needed to do: feel them.

When I first found myself completely alone I felt scared, I felt like I had abandoned all the effort I had put into my relationship. I also felt extremely resentful. The first few days I had myself convinced that this was a temporary break and that it would make him get a job and shape up and that for the first time in our relationship he would be the one to pay for our date. I actually fantasized about him owning a car instead of driving mine, and taking me on this great amazing date where he paid for everything.

Your eating disorder is personal to you. Some people are onions with layers of torment and a deep seeded trauma and stress some people are me, just lonely. Nobody has any right to compartmentalize your disorder because its something that only you can truly experience in its own unique way.

However, one thing I believe is true of every eating disorder is that they are extremely self-involved.

I don’t mean this in a narcissistic grandiose kind of way, I mean that we are very internalized, when you are battling the binge, you are turning your back on the world and letting it control your life and decisions, and because the binge exists in our minds, that makes us withdrawn.

We binge in private, for me personally you never would have known I had a problem with food unless I told you. I eat responsibly and am a healthy weight. Nobody knows the *kitten* up dialogue that repeats in my head, that controls my decisions and that torments me every day.

My relationship made me depressed, and food made me feel good temporarily. Welcome to the positive feedback loop that is the binge cycle.

After a week or so of moping around I posted the following on facebook:

“After five years and moving across the world, it’s with a heavy heart that I must announce that *name-removed* and I have decided to break up.
Even if you know something is not working, admitting it to each other is the hardest thing. I have never loved anyone so deeply and completely, thank you to anyone who listened, and offered advice over the years. I am adjusting to life without my best friend and am looking forward to taking some time to get used to just being myself.”

As soon as I hit submit I couldn’t stop crying. Facebook official is some serious *kitten*.

If you are my friend here on MPF you would have seen the huge difference in me when I first ended my relationship vs a week or so later. My process of letting go started with the facebook post.

The binge filled the lonely antisocial gap I have and perpetuated my depression. Now I found myself with an even bigger gap to fill. My relationship and binge were pretty much the only two things I had going on in my life. I’m a very friendly person, I know a lot of people, but nobody really knows me.

I began planning the liquidation of my assets to move back to Australia with my family. Luckily when you purchase everything in a relationship, there no contest as to who it belongs to when you break up. Nonetheless, I gave my boyfriend a couple hundred dollars to make up for some furniture his family had gifted us. I was taking photos of my stuff, calling my car dealership and getting ready to start the process of selling everything I owned.

One thing I’ve realized though this is that a few good friends are better than 1000 acquaintances. You don’t have to know them in real life, but you have to genuinely love and care for them. I am lucky to have great close bonds with people online and also a few great friends that live here in Canada with me.

Its not that I forgot about my friends, I just became closer to the binge than I did to them. I didn’t consider them close friends because I didn’t see them every week but they were there when I needed them most.

I reconnected with my friends out of survival, not because I wanted to. I also know that my boyfriend would have never let me do this. I almost broke my hand once during an altercation a couple years back (he didn’t want me to go to my staff Christmas party) and I stopped even trying to be social after that. It’s amazing how blind you are to abuse when it’s happening to you.

I must admit I have drank more in the past month than I had in the past 5 years, not the antisocial spiraling downward drinking, but the going-out-with-friends-having-a-good-time drinking. It feels so out of character but at the same time it makes me feel so full with happiness, the fact that I am hanging out with people.

I am utterly convinced that having real friends is the secret to me beating this. I am not cured, but every day that I surround myself with healthy relationships and actually talk to people I become stronger and that binge voice gets quieter.

My kitchen table is out of commission because it is filled with jigsaw puzzle pieces. My goal is to have someone over at least once a week to help me finish the puzzle. I bought concert tickets to a festival that is happening here in June. I have been painting and playing guitar for the first time in 5 years. The guitar is actually my friend’s guitar who lent it to me because I was telling him how much I missed playing.

I don’t need the company of the binge anymore. My real friends are better friends than the binge ever was.

Here are some questions you should ask yourself:

Is your binge a symptom of depression? What is depressing you?

Are you withdrawn socially? How can you improve this?

Thanks for reading, Im only seeing Dr.C once a month now unless I really need to see her. I also send her weekly emails just to check in. Fight the good fight guys.

MDAPebbles67

You are brave and Inspirational. I am sorry for the pain you have gone through. I am happy that you are entering a better phase of your life.

Your observations could help many people. I am thinking about them now.
Thank you for sharing.

superj016

I am so happy for you to hear how well you are doing. If I knew you and was closer, I'd come over to do the jigsaw puzzle with you That's something I should try to do now. Loneliness is a big thing for me and part of why I binge. Not that I don't have friends but my friends and I are all in very different places in our lives...literally and figuratively. Even if I wanted to have friends over now, the closest is almost an hour away. I've tried to make new friends closer to where I live but that has proven to be a slow process.

How often were you seeing the doctor before you switched to once a month? When I start therapy, I hope that's an option. I don't have these deep seeded issues that cause me to binge, I know what the problems are, I just need help to address them.

tsikkz

I feel your pain about making friends, it used to be so easy when we were younger! I do believe online connections are great also, If you want to connect on facebook, skype, instagram I open my arms to you

I started once a week. Once I had no difficulty going a week without bingeing I went to two weeks. I book my next appointment at the end of my sessions and she always asks me how long I want to go before I see her next.

superj016

Man, I want to see your therapist @tsikkz And for sure, FB friends would be awesome. I'll PM you.

tsikkz

THE 6TH SESSION (4th May 2015)
I always book my next appointment at the end of the session before. This way I make the commitment to attend and also have some kind of a timeline for how long I need to survive on my own.

I decided I wanted to go a month by myself. I was feeling very confident and dare I say, happy.

Like with any path to recovery, you don’t magically flip a switch and suddenly be better, and during the past month I stopped taking care of myself.

I binge when I’m sad, bored, and lonely; but I also binge when I’m happy, busy, or stressed. Hell, my brain will find any mood a reason to binge! My life is rich and exciting for the first time in 5 years and I have fallen back into “happy eating”, where my brain seems to be able to easily justify eating tons of crappy food. I don’t and can’t go anywhere near the scale, I have a half-marathon at the end of the month, and running when full and bloated is awful.

TRIGGER WARNING: Alcohol and other things

*REMOVED*

I HAVE REMOVED THIS PARAGRAPH FROM POSTING PUBLICALLY, IF YOU WANT THIS SECTION PLEASE MESSAGE ME ON MFP AND I WILL SEND IT TO YOU

“I don’t really think its bingeing, more like just not giving a *kitten* and stuffing my face”

Dr. C looked at me and did that amazing thing she does that makes her worth every penny.

“Okay, so what change can you make right now to make this situation better?”

I told her that I eat the same thing until its gone. Like if I buy chicken salad ingredients I’m eating chicken salad until everything’s gone. If I buy eggs its eggs for breakfast lunch and dinner until I have no more eggs. I’m not sure how I fell into this level of dysfunction but I have never really thought about it.

My goal is to eat breakfasty foods for breakfast, lunchy foods for lunch, and dinner.. er ..ey? foods for dinner. Rocket science right?

Dr. C said I should follow the principles behind an allergen diet, which is where you eat foods on a 3 day cycle, So if you eat toast one day, you don’t eat toast again until 3 days later. This is how people identify food allergies because that wait period between foods lets you see if you have a reaction to them. I’m not following this exactly but I think the principle behind it will let me form a more normal relationship with food.

I should mention this session wasn’t at all about my relationship. I don’t think I even mentioned it to Dr.C. That wound is definitely healing and it feels less and less painful to think about.

My next appointment is in 2 weeks, and my homework is to take it easy with partying, eat more variety in my daily meals and to re-read one of my favorite books; The 7 habits of highly effective people, by Stephen Covey. Definitely recommend this classic self-help book if you have never read it before.

Pretty short one today with the paragraph removed, I wish you all peace with food!

superj016

i binged twice this weekend. wish i could see my therapist the second i'm about to or just did a binge. have you considered going more frequently to see your therapist?

tsikkz

I can actually email her and she usually replies within the hour. The other thing we talked about was having half-hour sessions instead of 1 hour sessions so I would see her once a week instead

tsikkz

Update: I couldn't balance my budget this month (I had some expenses I wasn't expecting) so I pushed my appointment back for the 2nd week of June.