New Member Introduction

3Bliss

Hi all,

I just found the group from another post on the forums. I recently began to understand that I've been dancing around binge eating disorder behavior for most of my life. I'd like to share my story, but what follows might have triggers for some people.

I recently got into a relationship with a person who doesn't just my eating habits.

I hadn't realized that fear of judgement had stopped me from eating a lot of things in my life. Once we got together, I let go and began eating pints of ice cream sometimes two or three times a week. After about 8 months, I realized I'd far surpassed my lifetime highest weight.

I decided to commit to the ketogenic lifestyle. I really believe in this mode of eating. While doing it, I felt clearer minded, fresh, and more energetic.

But my behavior about eating, tracking, and weighing started to get out of control. I wasn't making as much progress as I told myself I needed to, and I got harder and harder on myself. It was really too much, too harsh. I couldn't maintain it. I swung really hard the other direction into heavy evening binge eating. It ended up to the point of eating so much I'd end up in physical pain.

That's when I finally looked into BED. The signs, symptoms, etc. described me to a T.

Since then, I've loosened my expectations about what I can and can't eat. I found that just reminding myself that each meal was not my last helped. But I still have a sense that I can't eat enough.

I haven't started seeing a therapist yet. I have read that group-support and at-home work can really help with these situations.

I've started tracking again on MFP, but ever since my binging started, I haven't been able to keep my calories under 2500 a day. Sometimes I end up at 3000 or 3500. I notice evening eating is especially hard for me. Does anyone have any strategies for working with the overwhelming sense of emptiness?

I'm excited to be here, to support you all! Maybe together we can help to make the group more active.

minipony

Welcome and I'm glad you joined. What do you think would help you or motivate you to make a small change? I'd like to commit to a small change as well. When is your most problematic time of day with food? Do you get support from your family and friends and or boyfriend?

MacCroc

Welcome!
Have you tried to eat at maintainance? I am getting a sence that you are still trying to keep yourself on a low cal diet (or any sort of diet), which is not the way to treat an ED. You need to get over binge eating first, only when you are stable again you can go back to loosing weight.
So as the first step (undependent of seeing a therapist) I would recommend figuring out your TDEE and trying to eat at maintaninance for a few month. If your daily intake now is much lower then your TDEE, look into reverse dieting not to give your body too much of a shock.
Of course this is no replacement for therapy, but the physical element is very, very important. Your body needs a certain amount of food to function, and if you are starving it for a long period of time, you will very likely start binging.

Hope you feel better soon. Feel free to PM me for support.

minipony

I also have a nutritionist that I totally trust. I email her daily how I did with my food. I trust her as she is into fitness herself and walks her talk. I hate therapists that say "do this, eat this," and they don't look healthy. Another think I do is try to avoid my trigger foods. MacCroc....good idea about eating at maintenance. What is maintenance, is it you total daily expenditure? I have mine calculated and it comes out at about 1321 each month.

MacCroc

@minipony, where are you getting 1321 from? 1321 is most likely your BMI, Basal metabolic rate, meaning the number of calories your body needs if you don't move at all. On top of that you have to add all your daily activity, and the end number will be your TDEE, Total Daily Energy Expenditure. That amount is what you should be eating to maintain. If you try that, you will need to slowly increase the amount you are eating (look up reverse dieting or EM2WL on MFPhttp://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/3817-eat-more-2-weigh-less). It will probably look like too much food for you at first, but it really IS what your body needs. I am maintaining now at around 2500 cal without gaining (used to at around 1400 before I found out about TDEE).
MFP is ridiculous at calculating your total daily expenditure, try to use more accurate calculators like http://scoobysworkshop.com/accurate-calorie-calculator/ or exrx.net/Calculators/CalRequire.html. Don't underestimate your daily activity, everything except for sitting counts.

minipony

I got my body fat measured and it it measures my muscle etc. it came out with a number on the lower right corner lol that said that. But I pay a nutritionist to make a meal plan for me each week. She knows I have an Ed and we are working on upping my calories. I was eating like 900 and now I'm supposed to eat a bit over 1400 but it's scary. She knows that I want to do this for the long haul so she's going slow with me: introducing new foods etc. I like this approach better than feeling made to do something. I feel safe and trust her.

minipony

I'll definitely read those links. It can only help me become a stronger more knowledgeable healthy person.

MacCroc

Your nutritionist sounds like she knows what she is doing, it's great. Just always bear in mind that you CAN eat more, a lot more, and not put on weight. Take it slow, you'll get there.
In terms of fat % - have you ever tried weight training? It's much more effective in long-term change of body composition and fat reduction then cardio.

minipony

I totally want to start weight training! I think muscles are beautiful. My nutritionist works with bikini model competitors and is one herself. I love looking at all her client's posts online. I don't want to be that ripped lol, but strong, have a shape lol and feel great. What do you do for weight training? Free weights, a class or machines?

3Bliss

@minipony‌, Thanks for your responses! I think motivation is dangerous for me. It's not hard to get motivated, but it's hard to persist in a motivated state (thus causing burnout and the binge behavior.) My friends, family, and boyfriend are all very supportive, but when it comes down to it, they can't say no or yes to food, only I can. After the binge behavior started for me, pretty much any time of day can be a problem. Evenings are the worst, though. Because that's when I am close to the end of my calorie goal and I have the least control. I've identified eating in front of the TV as a problem, but I live in a small apartment with no room for a dining room table. I think a good step for me would be to find a way to sever the connection between watching TV/zoning out/eating. I do it at the movies, too. I just turn my brain off, go into entertainment land, and have something in my hands to eat.

@MacCroc‌, Thank you for the reminder to be more forgiving. You're right. I have my caloric deficit set to lose 1lb a week. I'm going to play around with those calculators. I notice I have a deep distrust of these things. They come out around 2500 for me, and everything in my screams THAT IS TOO MUCH. Which, I guess, is a part of the problem. Another huge part of the problem is negative self-talk and self acceptance. It's really hard for me to be okay in the now with who I am and how I look. My relationship with myself is pretty toxic right now. THAT's the part that I'm afraid I can't budge. Though there is one thing that has helped a lot: that's taking the time to find clothes that fit well and are comfortable. It makes a huge difference. I guess that's sort of a self-care thing for me.

I LOVE weight lifting. In the past I was pretty heavily into it, lifting 5 days a week. It's a hobby/passion for me. I'd love to find a trainer and get into olympic lifting or start strong lifts 5x5. I just wish I had a workout buddy or support system to get my to the gym at 4am. And of course, the other side of that is that I am working 40 hours a week and trying to build a career as an artist on top of that, which leaves me drained, overwhelmed, and willing to just grab any food and eat.

Anyway, I appreciate all the welcoming and support you guys! I'm going to spend some time meditating on self-love and envision what it might look like to eat at maintenance.

minipony

I need self love too. If you have any tips of how to make it stick or methods let me know.