Emotional Support Thread - Kindness & Understanding

GrannyMayOz

Starting this thread because I see the need for it. This is for everyone who wishes to discuss emotional difficulties that may have caused their weight gain in the first place, or that have surfaced as a result of losing that 'padded safe place' that we've carried around with us.

Though I know that sometimes we do need a firm word to point us in the right direction, THIS IS A SAFE THREAD AND ABSOLUTELY NO HARSH WORDS TOWARDS ANOTHER WILL BE TOLERATED. I am not a moderator, but I will make sure any intolerance or 'I know better than you' attitudes will be dealt with promptly.

I hope that anyone who feels at home under this topic will be nurtured by all others here. In fact I'm sure that will be the case from most of what I've seen in the LCD Group.

GrannyMayOz

I wrote this in another thread but will copy/paste it here for the sake of starting the thread. I don't necessarily expect personal answers, unless you feel specifically called to that. I'm just setting the scene I suppose

My additional body weight has been...

GrannyMayOz wrote: »

1. Padding myself in the hope that it would give some protection from the incredibly harmful words and actions other people had the power to emotionally cripple me with. I grew up with a narcissistic mother so I knew that my safety relied on remaining hyper-vigilant of everyone's feelings and making sure I fixed everything before she could be upset by it. I grew to know that *everything* was my fault that it happened, and my duty to fix, fully and fast or I'd suffer.

2. As well as that, I seem so able to 'feel' the negative emotions of people around me that I think those feelings are my own - they're not. Someone angry (in general, but towards me even moreso!), or nervous, scared - any negative emotion that is 'bad' to feel - and the feeling would 'come into me' so that it felt as if I had literally been punched in the solar plexus, and it would linger on for a while after they'd gone.

3. I think I also had a fear that if I was slim I would be completely invisible and not matter, even 1% to anyone. Which is ridiculous, but it's how I felt.

4. Every time I lost weight I got jealous responses from family and colleagues and, as per item 1, getting any attention at all, positive or negative, meant there would be a backlash from mother. If attention was directed away from her I got to suffer. Even though I got married at 18 and left home, the damage done in those first 18 years, and in contact after that, has taken me 40 years to fully shift.

I have finally overcome the main damage that mother did, though of course I will never be a truly outgoing human. But I've learned slowly, and in the past couple of years really thoroughly, that it is safe for me to let the padding go. That just because I'm 'small' doesn't mean I'm more vulnerable. I see friends or TV characters who are tiny, yet strong. You don't need to be able to throw someone in order to use your words and body language to protect yourself. That still fascinates me, but I'm finally being able to assimilate it.

Sugar and carbs were my friend. They gave me the love that I never got from either parent. Dad is another issue altogether - no love to give - an empty emotional void - but he wasn't abusive. I had genuine love from one grandfather, and one aunt and uncle pair. I will be forever grateful for those 3 people because I know I'd have committed suicide long ago had it not been for their love.

cindytw

Granny thanks for starting this, I will be the next brave one to post! I started gaining as a child because of family issues (I can say that for certain because it came to certain events). I then lost in my early teens because I was motivated to by my SMALL (I mean like size 000!) friends! I was sill "fat" by my standads as a 5-6-7 juniors!! I "blew up" to a 9-10 and cried all the time because my friends were still 00-01. I ran, I got fitter, I went to the gym...but by the time I hit college, it was just too much to manage, I just gave up and reverted back to that fat kid that needed to gain to hide and burrow in weight. I had too much stress, too many life and relationship issues...too much!! I then lost again on low carb once college was done, and felt great!! Well, enter my (now) husband he was a very bad incfluence to junk food so we ate, I wnet on and off low carb, then I screwed mysef up with gluten (I should have knwn, my Mom was Celiac!) and am now Celiac. I also can't do grains at all now. My body had been telling me to cut the crap all along but I couldn't listen. I am now 41, have lost an gained and lost again. I always have some problem that keeps me from getting to what I want to be...It is a lot of laziness, and a lot of health problems ad stress. But others can do it so why can't I?

GrannyMayOz

Hello dear cindytw and thank you for sharing. It's really sad to hear of how children have to turn to food for comfort isn't it? And I say 'have to' deliberately. Children have very little power over what happens to them and, according to psychologists/psychiatrists (I can never remember the difference) children think that their parents are god-like and never wrong. So the child takes the blame and becomes full of shame and guilt. No human should be constantly forced to live under those circumstances, and so we seek some form of comfort. If there's no (or insufficient) love and positive attention to be had, you can't turn to alcohol, cigarettes or other things of that kind, but food is usually available and I think that's why so many 'children of abuse' find food. It's the human condition to need love and if food is the only source of comfort, is it any wonder that's where we turned?

(Obviously some people hit impossible situations in adulthood after a happy childhood and then turn to food.)

And then you are an adult, with very understandable mechanisms in place to still turn to food. IMHO the best way to solve the problems of the past is what I term 'free writing'. Sometimes I sit at the computer with a blank sheet and type as fast as I can, not stopping for typos or grammar, and pour out all that is troubling my soul. Sometimes I share it, sometimes I don't. And usually I read it over and over, and somehow it sorts it out in my head until it's all clear and I understand. I've found that incredibly therapeutic. Of course sharing some things and receiving feedback from loving and trusted adults is a big help too.

I only discovered the name of what was wrong with my mother about 3 or 4 years ago. But once someone had mentioned narcissism to me I looked it up and my whole life fell into place. This explained *everything* that I had found so mystifying about her actions, it was incredibly healing.

"Why can't I?" We can. I'm sure we can. It just takes a little more work for us, and if that can be accompanied by compassion from others it helps so much!

cindytw

Yeah, I had a narcissistic, and just plain nasty grandmother who I was left with a lot of my early childhood. Then I had the other players of the family, schizophrenic, delusions of grandeur, Fundamentalist Chriastians that were over the top...all very mean. My Mom was not mean, but was mentally ill herself, agoraphobic, bipolar, and very paranoid. So yeah. As a kid I would have shot up with heroin if I knew how! But food is what kids have! I was older by the time the other stuff came into play, but I did my share of bad behavior.

cindytw

OH and the BIG one, I was a nicotine JUNKIE!! From 14-35! I could NOT quit it till i went on Chantix and it made me sick!

GrannyMayOz

Sick families are a gift that keep on giving I had a cousin and an uncle who thrive on humiliating anyone the least opportunity they can lay their hands on, and appear to sometimes engineer the circumstances deliberately to set up the situation.

I'm really sorry for your experiences. The damage to a child is horrendous. Do you feel that you're making progress with emotional healing? It's taken me a long, long time but I truly feel that I can look back on it all now with no emotional tie at all. In fact it sometimes makes me laugh, which is a strange response, but I'll take it. Mother knows she's lost her power which is a *very* recent thing and amuses me no end. She's had a couple of attempts to gain it back but, considering I never ever allow myself to be alone with her (and she's a covert narc who everyone believes to be 'Such a sweet lady!' she can't attack me without being outed. Justice at last

Kitnthecat

Wow, I love this, thanks for starting this thread !

GrannyMayOz

No worries Kitnthecat I think I had been aware for a while that it was needed and I hope as many people as possible will find it helpful. I don't want to be 'in charge' of this thread, I hope that we will all support one another, and I'm sure that's what will happen.

I'm in Australia so I sleep through most of the busiest time for posts.

GrannyMayOz

Well I wrote this on my own page but I guess the reason this thread is here is so that we can talk about what's bothering us before we eat over it so here goes...

I feel 'flat' and tired and emotionally exhausted. My M-I-L is in very poor health, my F-I-L is (understandably) leaning too hard on my husband to be there.

My husband is having x-rays and ultrasounds on Wed because they think his left knee and hip are 'bone on bone'. Don't know what happens after that and D is *never* ill or anything but 100% bouncy and happy.

My eldest son's work may come to an end any day because the company he works for is headed for the gurgler, and if it goes under he'll lose a stack of holiday pay and 7 years' pro rata long service leave (about 6 weeks' pay). He's really good at his job but has no official papers to help in applying for a new position with the same pay.

My eldest granddaughter is having severe anxiety problems with school and sleep disturbances so she may have to go to a sleep clinic - she's 9 and has been struggling with major panic attacks for about a year - my heart is breaking for them all.

I found a snake in our house on Wed when I had my granddaughters here, which is still totally freaking me out. I'm scanning every room and watching where I put my feet when I walk like a true paranoid. David was home only because he'd kindly swapped a work shift for someone else's sake so he tried to catch it but it was so active he had to kill it.

And yesterday a baby dove fell from its nest and I'm hoping the rescue lady gets here in time to feed it before it dies. I kept it warm through the night, but it must be hungry!!! I slept dreadfully knowing I had to get up after only a few hours' sleep to let her know whether he was alive and to come for him. And the parent doves are outside my door looking for him but they didn't feed him when I put him out there for about 10 mins, although they went and looked at him, and it's too cold to leave him and wait and see so that's breaking my heart that I've 'stolen their baby'. The nest is far too high and obscured for me to even find, let alone put him back :`(

So that's my sucky life at the moment *sigh*.

KnitOrMiss

@GrannyMayOz To me, it always seems like this stuff comes in bundles. When it rains, it pours? Sending an extended-release hug, with responsive release so you get a new fresh burst of hug whenever you need it most! (HUGS)