Ugh - Need to Pull Myself Together
superj016
Posts: 62 Member
Mid January I started a medically supervised diet that is supposed to consist of only high protein meal replacements. I did really well right off the bat. Then, a month into it, I was triggered into binge habits. I have managed to hang on to my weight loss but continuing to lose has been a struggle because of that. At the same time, the fact I'm not gaining has almost made me feel like I can...beat the system, if you will. In fact, after one decent week of losing, even tho I had a binge, I convinced myself I could better stay in control if I allowed myself one "regular" meal a week. I still tracked everything - even though my logs get reviewed by a dietitian - but the team was proud of me for being honest because then they know better how to help me. But then, the positive reinforcement perpetuated my desire to eat off plan.
Now, I'm NOT tracking because I don't want to be found out that I've made this a regular thing. I will leave my weigh in and go directly to the store across the street to get food even though they just gave me a pep talk, told me how great I'm doing and encouraged me to stick to the plan! And what's more is that, after last night, eating off plan for the second night in a row, I ate more than I wanted to only because I wanted to get rid of the food. I was sitting there saying to myself, why am I doing this? I feel overfull. Why am I continuing to eat? Because I couldn't bring myself to throw out food I enjoy and I didn't want left overs to continue eating longer into the week. I'm not the only one who does that, am I?? I overeat so the food isn't there to tempt me, even though, I end up not enjoying it because I'm eating too much. I know I'm doing this and I still do it!
Now, today, I feel terrible, mentally and physically. I want to do well on this program. I plan on seeking professional counseling when I finish rehab for shoulder surgery but that will be at least another month. In the meantime, I just get so sad when I see people who clearly don't have issues with food like I do. I'm sad it's something I have had to deal with for so long, that I can't figure out why I do it (after years of soul searching) and that I continue to have to deal with this when all I want is to feel "normal" about my relationship with food. And yet I'll feel like this and then go on a binge anyway. Sigh. It's messed up. Why is feeling good being successful losing weight not good enough to keep me on track?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed to make my feelings public to force myself to get a handle on this.
Now, I'm NOT tracking because I don't want to be found out that I've made this a regular thing. I will leave my weigh in and go directly to the store across the street to get food even though they just gave me a pep talk, told me how great I'm doing and encouraged me to stick to the plan! And what's more is that, after last night, eating off plan for the second night in a row, I ate more than I wanted to only because I wanted to get rid of the food. I was sitting there saying to myself, why am I doing this? I feel overfull. Why am I continuing to eat? Because I couldn't bring myself to throw out food I enjoy and I didn't want left overs to continue eating longer into the week. I'm not the only one who does that, am I?? I overeat so the food isn't there to tempt me, even though, I end up not enjoying it because I'm eating too much. I know I'm doing this and I still do it!
Now, today, I feel terrible, mentally and physically. I want to do well on this program. I plan on seeking professional counseling when I finish rehab for shoulder surgery but that will be at least another month. In the meantime, I just get so sad when I see people who clearly don't have issues with food like I do. I'm sad it's something I have had to deal with for so long, that I can't figure out why I do it (after years of soul searching) and that I continue to have to deal with this when all I want is to feel "normal" about my relationship with food. And yet I'll feel like this and then go on a binge anyway. Sigh. It's messed up. Why is feeling good being successful losing weight not good enough to keep me on track?
Sorry for the rant, I just needed to make my feelings public to force myself to get a handle on this.
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Replies
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Our brains always give us that messed up justification to binge. You are definitely not the only person who eats all their food to avoid having to eat it later.
I don't know the answer. Im not cured so I don't know all the answers. But you are not alone, and you are not the only person who has been there.
Looking at the contrast between your first and second paragraph - is it really that big of a stretch to go back to that feeling of being in control? Remember how good you felt when you were succeeding and remind yourself that you only have to take one small step back to be back at that place.
When you view things as easially attainable they fufil themselves.0 -
Thank you for responding! In my head, yes, it's been that hard to go back to being in control. Part of it is also that I'm essentially on a liquid fast with this diet. So, when I introduce regular food it can create tastes for certain things I'm being deprived of (taste wise, all my meals are 100% nutritious). Plus, introducing those foods brings me out of ketosis (the whole idea of the program which helps me burn more fat, faster) which makes my body want more of those foods. It's a vicious cycle. If I could just have one full week on plan, that would help turn myself around but I'm not there yet. I'm mad that I'm not there yet though! So strange how you can be mad at yourself simultaneously for two opposite feelings.0
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Hang in there. You're absolutely worth it.0
