Need support during a very difficult time in my life.

joiroland

My husband was diagnosed with Stage 4 cancer in December. We've been going back and forth to the Mayo Clinic and he is on chemo. The emotional stress has caused me to gain a LOT of weight and now my acid reflux is out of control. I thought dieting was something I just couldn't do right now because I am dealing with SO much with working full time and dealing with the physical, emotional and financial strains of having someone I love going through cancer but it's not even a choice any more. I have to lose weight for my own health or I will be of no use to him. I just need all the encouragement I can get. Thank you!

omelet2000

It must be tough and scary to see a loved one suffer through cancer. You have the strength within you, and don't forget to take care of yourself as you take care of others!

eltunco

You need to be stronger in front of this disaster. Surely, there is people that is counting in you. You should not be weak, you should be the best you can be to confront this storm that is over your head. Don't look for a word to make you feel better, your actions are the ones that going to make you prevail. Do not matter what other people said or what they think, you know what is needed to be done.

juanita1963

Been there done that, but I was the cancer patient. He will need you at your strongest, so you definitely need to take care of yourself. Anytime you need someone to listen, I'd be glad to

AussieDragonfly

Went through this last year with my Dad and it is tough in the later stages of my Dads life I took it one day at a time and focused on not putting on weight cause your right the day to day of this is so tough I tried to make each day as healthy eating as I could and when it was a crash and burn day I had to just put it behind me and start again the next day and there was a lot of crash and burn days but at the end of the year I hadnt put any weight on nor lost...started this year off anew and happy to say the weight loss has kicked in again...dont punish yourself over this do the best you can and motivate your thinking that you need to stay healthy for your husband and family but mostly yourself...whatever choices you make we as a group are supporting you

Burrmont

You need to stay as sane as possible and our histories with food don't help with that. Keep logging your food each day and checking in with the MFP community. Those are simple but sane and sustaining steps.

ntinkham88

I'm so sorry for the difficult time in your life right now. There's only so much you can handle at once. Try some different things and just see what works for you. Exercise may just be the thing to take some of the stress off.

joiroland

Thank you so much everyone. Everything you have said means so much to me. Thank you!

flowergypsy79

My mom had cancer last year. It is the hardest thing in the world to watch someone you love hurt in that way. Sending you a friend request. Let me know anytime you need support.

sebedina

Be strong, you have friends here to support you in this hard time. eat simple but filling meals when and make sure you are getting your veg and fruit and iron from food to keep you strong.

tlmeyn

Very sorry to hear that. and I agree, if you aren't fit enough to help take care of him, it's a bad situation. Hopefully he will beat it, and you will have many years together. That said, I know comfort eating like the back of my hand. at the end of the day, when you put on more weight, you will kick yourself. You will say you don't care, but you will. tea tea tea (I have about 15 kinds of tea)... it also warms your heart.

sueatherbest

Lot's of great supportive advice here, can't add much more, except I'm sending a friend request. I hope to be around for you as you will be for your husband and he for you

joiroland

Thank you everyone again SO much for all you supportive words!!! They mean so much!

sueatherbest

How are you today? I pray you are doing well, planning your day as best you can...

LJFJ

joiroland, I lost my husband last August from a rare form of cancer for which there was no cure. He fought hard for four years, when his prognosis was only for one-to-two years. When he was diagnosed, I cried. He didn't, but I have no doubt he did when I wasn't around. I finally cried at night before I went to sleep so I could remain strong and take care of him. I moved us from our house to a large 3-bedroom apartment so we were close to emergency services and I had less to take care of.

I was also working full time, but from home. I teach online at a well-known university, so I was there for him 24/7. Neither of us had any family, so it was just him, me, the doctors, the cancer center, and the home care nurses. And our cats, of course. God bless those cats that kept us laughing with their antics, and God bless all the healthcare workers who were there for him.

joiroland, I've never had such a difficult challenge in all of my life. I took care of my parents until they passed on, but it was nothing like this. Al and I were together for 30 years; his birthday is in 6 days, and I don't know how I'll handle that.

I'm here to help you in any way I can. One thing I didn't do was find some time for me. I desperately wanted to spend all my time with him. I made sure the apartment had a washer/dryer so I didn't even have to leave the apartment to do laundry. Only every six months did I have to go to the doctor to get my meds checked. It was extremely stressful, but not as much for me as it was for Al; nevertheless, I gained a lot of weight that came off right after Al passed on, as I didn't want to eat.

Another thing I didn't consider was that after Al was gone, I had to carry on. I had to set up a life for me and our cats; I didn't know how to do that so quickly. I'm praying that your husband will survive this fight. Chemo is such a horrible thing to go through, but being at the Mayo Clinic, he has the best care possible. They're wonderful!

Please make sure you take care of yourself so you can take care of him. That's important to both of you. You're going to be more stressed as time goes on, and you need to eat, sleep, and get respite care when you can. There are caregiver support groups, too. I joined some online so I didn't have to leave him alone, but if you have family and friends close by, please ask them for the help you need; they don't know how to approach you and, for those who ask, "Is there anything I can do?" have an answer ready. They really want to help; I found that out by finally admitting I needed help, even if it was just for someone to talk to.

Eat regularly and well. If your husband isn't hungry, make him some soup or tea and crackers, or anything that sounds good to him. There were times Al craved some foods and I'd make them, but when I dished up for him, he couldn't eat. That will happen, and don't think it was wasted time. It shows him you care and love him. It's all about love and commitment, joiroland. Our husbands want us to take care of ourselves, not for them but for ourselves. They love us as much as we love them. They would take care of us if roles were reversed.

I hope I have helped you in some way. I didn't want to write a novella here, but if you want to contact me personally, please do so. I'll be glad to help you in any way I'm able. I wish I had known then what I know now, so please take from my caregiver advice what may work for you.

My prayers are with you both.

Linda

ohiotubagal

I'm sorry to hear that you are in such a difficult situation. My prayers go out to you.

One that that really helps me is my exercise time. There are many days when I have to drag myself out to do it, but once I get going I never regret it. I use that time to think through stuff and talk to God. Sometimes I don't even have the words and I am just quiet...focusing on my breathing or technique. Now that the weather is nice I listen to the birds while I'm walking my dog, or think about how much my body can actually do while I'm lifting weights. I've started to be able to "think about nothing" too and that is so necessary many days.

I hope that helps a bit. Take care of yourself. Hugs.

branbuds

LJFJ - Let me say how very sorry I am for your loss. My heart breaks for you. You have offered some very helpful advice to the OP.

joiroland - My husband was diagnosed with stage 4b cancer fifteen years ago. I am so happy to say that he is now a cancer survivor. It was such a roller coaster ride of emotions. There are days where you get good news (tumors shrinking, new treatment offered) and you feel hopeful; then there are the days of bad news when you feel all hope is lost.

Looking back on our experience I would say that you must take care of yourself. Eat properly (log into mfp), take time to go for walks (or the gym), and get support. The caregiver (you) will burn out without emotional support - support groups for the caregivers, friends, family. Take help when offered - like help with groceries or housework. People want to help, but don't know what to do. Have a list ready to give people. If people are coming over to your home, post a list of things they can do to help on your fridge.

When you are stressed and want to reach for food - reach out to your caregiver support network to talk. Talking it out helps so much. Or go for a walk (clears the mind).

LJFJ

Thank you, branbuds. I'm glad you recognize that others do want to help but won't know what to do unless we ask-or they ask. I've always prided myself on being strong and never needing help, but Al's needs took all I had. It wasn't until after he passed that I recognized just how much help I needed. It got easier to answer their question, "Is there anything I can do to help?" It became the most wonderful sound to me. Although I don't hear those words much anymore, I now have some good friends who I know I can ask for help at any time, and they'll be there when possible.