Can't do this anymore
Options
MACnificence
Posts: 419 Member
I tried to do this but the mental toll it's taken is too hard , I've gained 20Ibs none of my clothes fit my boots won't fit me anymore my stomach hurts from being so full of gas .. I've read about edema in ED recovery but this is beyond me at the moment I have to wait till the start of May to see my therapist and I know Im not strong enough to continue on till then. I feel like locking myself in a room im so embarrassed my face is swollen and I look so puffy.
I'm terrified of going back to restricting because I fear that there's no way out of this for me but I can't stand to look at myself right now and I can't even afford to buy a whole new wardrobe I put on my normal work shoes the last day and they were so tight my feet hurt all day
I just can't go on feeling like this
I'm terrified of going back to restricting because I fear that there's no way out of this for me but I can't stand to look at myself right now and I can't even afford to buy a whole new wardrobe I put on my normal work shoes the last day and they were so tight my feet hurt all day
I just can't go on feeling like this
0
Replies
-
Can you remind us of what you have been doing? Have you been doing a full metabolism reset (if so, for how long) or just increasing calories? If so, what level have you been eating at and what are your stats? Not sure if you are wanting further help about your numbers or if you are just saying that you are going to stop the process. For some people, it can be a very hard process - this especially depends on your dieting history - and of course it is hard mentally. I know you haven't posted in the forums in awhile - I wish you would have posted during your struggles and maybe we could have helped assess your numbers a bit.0
-
I'm 5'2 , I'm now 120Ibs and I can fluctuate above that but very rarely below it anymore
I was 112 in January and I have been trying to avoid weighing weekly but I feel like I didn't even really see anywhere else on the scale so none of the increases were gradual I was 104 last November , yes I was expecting to see a weight jump after the Christmas bevause extra food but it just has continued to increase since then in jumps
Anyone can look at my food diary , I have had a few untracked days here and there but no where to the extent that would make me gain such a rapid amount of weight , I binged a few times and possibly ate around 3,000 calories this is a completely new thing for me and again terrifies me
My doctor thinks all this is normal and it's my body craving the food and forcing me to these binges
I just at my wits end now , I keep trying to talk myself down But I can't bare to even look at myself anymore0 -
Ok, I remember now. I went back and found your original post below.
"so I'm new to this group a little background info, Lost a lot of weight went from 196Ibs to currently as of today 110Ibs lowest being 100Ibs .. usual story low calories lots of cardio
this time last year I was running a minimum of 5k everyday, since then I've transformed my mindset and now do minimal cardio and strength train 3 days a week.
Ive pretty much done no intentional cardio in a few months now because of starting a new job , moving house and barely having time to get to the gym for strength training, (my gym pretty much sucks and opens very strange hours that don't coordinate with working people
)
anyway I went through a great stage where i was gaining strength in my squat and deadlift consistently then bam restrictive mind frame came back into play
by no means do i starve myself when i restrict i just eat really low calorie foods plenty of veg, salad etc , since i started my journey i had what you would refer to as a treat meal once every week i strongly believed it helped me reach my weight loss goals and kept my on track for the week but Im still allowing this meal to give me allowance for undereating during the week
my calories come in at 1200-1400 calories typically during the week some days i get guilty and push myself to eat extra i have my goal at 1650
I am not in denial that i have developed disordered eating thoughts when it comes to food and I have my first appointment to see a therapist on the 12th of this month , what worries me most is that I have not had a menstrual cycle in about 4 months now and after having tests done my GP has confirmed my body had stopped producing estrogen
she explains this is basically because my body is constantly unsure of whether or not I am going to restrict it again and has shut down what is not as an important to survive
of course over christmas I did eat more than i typically would which probably is reason being for me sitting at a higher level weight than what I am used to
Im just unsure where to go from here, Im determined i want to get my body up and running again , part of the low estrogen levels is that I suffer from mood swings, irritability , fatigue and depression. I also haven't been able to be intimate with my partner for months either because lack of libido and painful intercourse
the part that scares me is that I am already at the higher end of my comfortable weight zone i would like to maintain 105-110
the last 2 days i have pushed myself to eat closer to the 1650 calories i have my goal set at , should i take it easier and work my calories back up or will i try and be consistent on eating the 1650 (again keeping in mind my average over the last week would be higher than normal)
I really want to shave that extra 5 Ibs off and get my in a comfortable weight zone again but i know restricting calories is possibly the worse thing i could do right now"
___________________________________
So what is your weight up to now...you say you have gained 20 lbs? When you started increasing your cals, you were at 110 lbs. Our advice to you was that you didn't need to lose any weight as you were already at the low end of a healthy BMI. There were parts of your body that you wanted to tighten, so we suggested for you to raise your calories to maintenance and lift heavy weights and focus on body recomposition ( I know you were already doing some weight training, which is great). Your body had stopped producing estrogen as confirmed by your doctor and you had lost your period completely - all signs of extreme restrictive dieting. Your body needed nutrients, not further restriction for weight loss (you were already so tiny!) So just give us an update on what you have currently been doing the past several weeks and what all your numbers are now. Have you continued seeing your therapist?
0 -
Ok sorry 20Ibs since my lowest I meant , I suppose I mean 20ibs not intentionally , 10ibs since Xmas .. I don't want to get down to 100Ibs again I agree that is too light but 10ibs since Xmas is crazy I have by no means ate that much to gain that , I still eat relatively good a lot of the time bar the few episodes where I have overate because I genuinely couldn't satisfy myself I just felt so hungry!!!
It's the swelling and constant pregnant looking belly that I'm struggling with the most , I mean I have constant wind and it's so embarrassing I can go from fitting into my pants ok to them being so tight within days..
I did buy a few pants a size up to help myself feel better and now the bloating is making them tight
My calories unfortunately have still not being very consistent but I try to stay as close to 1600-1700 as possible with my untracked day once a week again this I have always done so it's a constant in this journey
My therapist is hopeless because I'm going through a government health care system because I cannot afford to go private and I between appointments take so long I have reached out to 2 ED helplines and haven't got a reply from either
I'm trying to fight this I really am , I constantly ring my doctor because she's one of the few people that knows what I'm going through but apart from seeing this is normal I'm not getting much more back from her only she thinks it's fine I've gained weight
I'm stuck at 120ibs now it doesn't want to go down any bit but sometimes fluctuates upwards to 125Ibs0 -
First- 120lbs on a 5'2" frame is NOT large. I'm 5'4" and 140 and people are shocked. I wear a size US 6/8. I want to get down to 125 lbs. Normal for someone hour height is 105-135. So your weight is fine. The puffiness may be salt? Another medical condition? If you drink enough water and life Heavy and eat your TDEE (even or minus 15%) you will be more than fine. You're what- maybe a size US 4? That is TINY. I think you just need to tighten and tone and not worry about the number on the scale. You typically don't gain weight in your feet in normal range which tells me you have edema for some reason. What's the doctor say? I think mentally you have to look at this from a healthier point of view. You aren't going to eat to 196lbs again. Eat healthy foods to TDEE and lift heavy. Everything else will fall into place.0
-
My weight might be ok by the BMI chart, but I'm very uncomfortable at this weight
Put the scale aside I don't fit into any of my clothes even my new ones now at this stage
I lift consistently in the gym but I look 10 times less firm than I did a few months ago
People have commented on my face being chubbier looking thinking it's funny obviously they don't know I struggle with an ED0 -
Is your food diary accurate? Some days you eat as low as 1,000cal and other days 10,000-15,000/cal?0
-
Do you eat a lot of carbs?
Carbs create gas for many people sensitive to them. Eating higher fiber can help, along with protein and fat first in any meal before the carbs.
Have you increased the weights that you are lifting?
Should have had some great increases.
So it sounds like an increase of about 250 calorie daily on average - if your figures are really accurate.
20 lbs if fat gained would take 280 days if the metabolism and daily burn never increased from a TDEE of 1400.
That's 9 months.
You have not gained that much fat eating that minor over what may have been a suppressed maintenance - unless those binge days are just incredible overages.
Seeing most of it in your stomach makes me wonder if the largest part if not all of it is stress related - elevated cortisol and retained water from it.0 -
No I've never ate 10,000-15,000 calories ? I don't know where in my food diary that is
No it is everywhere my legs are very big in comparison to what they were even at Xmas , but I can see it everywhere in my arms upper body but my stomach and legs are most obvious and my face aswell
That's the thing my strength hasn't massively increased either by no means
No the binges wouldn't be that big bevause even though I overeat it's still mostly good food because I don't keep a lot of rubbish food in the house, I would say maybe about 3,000 calories if even maybe less what concerns me more is that it happens and what mental frizzy I get into when it happens I feel absolutely starving and nothing will satisfy me
Any advice how I go forward? I don't know how to continue on without stripping some of this weight off. It's hugely affecting my life at the moment0 -
I know it's not all fat gain because of the sudden jumps and fat gain doesn't happen that fast but whether it be fat gain or water gain it's still showing physically my boots that were previously abit loose on my calves wouldn't fit me last night at all , like I couldn't tie them up
My work pants are ALL too small even the bigger size ones
I can't afford to buy a new wardrobe again even if I wanted
I've always hated my belly so I ignore that the most of the time because I have loose skin and until I get that removed it will be something I'm conscious of but now the loose skin hangs down further than ever because there more substance inside it and it's visibke through my clothes whereas when I was smaller I could easily hid in under my clothes0 -
Can you please tell us what ED you are referring to? I know it's not ED that males suffer from. Is that your short hand for edema? Or do you have ectoderma dysplasia? Emotional disturbia? Ehlers-Danlos? Knowing this may also help in figuring out what is going on and how your body may react to different stressors as well0
-
Ed - eating disorder .. Restrictive type!0
-
I got these numbers directly from your own food diary. Look back into March and you will see them:MACnificence wrote: »No I've never ate 10,000-15,000 calories ? I don't know where in my food diary that is
March 24 Totals 6,383
March 30 Totals 8,227
March 31 Totals 9,333
April 1 Totals 15,306
April 2 Totals 16,307
April 3 Totals 15,974
April 4 Totals 9,059
April 7 Totals 9,038
There are more entries like this as well, but I stopped copying and pasting. Could it be that you aren't logging your food accurately? Because other days your entries are quite low, even as low as 600. Maybe not accurate logging has been part of the reason your weight is increasing, as well as not logging on Sundays. If you are eating a ton on Sundays and not tracking, it could lead to a gain. I'm not telling you have to start logging on Sundays, but your looking for answers, and this is all of I've got.
I thing that most people in this group realize, and you probably do to, that an eating disorder such as anorexia, bulimia and binge eating are super complex disorders. I think you'll be hard pressed to figure it out by chatting with people online, although its good to put out feelers and try to get some input and support.
I hope you can keep seeing your therapist and maybe find an online support group for people trying to overcome eating disorders. Make your doctor listen to you more. Tell her your feeling depressed and anxious about the weight gain, and that's it's causing you immense stress. Sometimes doctors just nod and listen without listening, so make sure she hears the sincerity. I doubt she is going to help you figure out how to lose more weight, but she might be able to help with your stress and anxiety in the large gaps between times that you see your therapist. I had a really great cognitive behavioral therapist who helped me overcome a lot of anxiety and self-esteem issues, so I wouldn't give up on therapy just yet. Sorry to hear that you can't get into see her as much as you need to. Just because the helplines didn't work the first time, doesn't mean they won't work a second time so I would try things a few times before throwing in the towel on them.
National Association of Anorexia Nervosa & Associated Disorders, Inc.®
http://www.anad.org/eating-disorders-get-help/join-our-discussion/
Eating Disorders Helpline & Email
The ANAD Eating Disorders Helpline 630-577.1330 is open Monday-Friday, 9:00 am-5:00 pm, Central Time.
ANAD also has a special email address, anadhelp@anad.org which may be used by those who prefer email instead of phoning.
https://www.facebook.com/ANADHelp?ref=mf
0 -
These numbers aren't in my diary at all. I looked at these dates and mine are all under 1600 calories for them days ?
I've came to accept yes maybe I've gained abit of weight maybe because I haven't been a digilent as I used to be with my tracking when I was actively losing weight and basically I can't eat what other people can without gaining
And such is life
I have chosen after talking to someone that I'm going to go dairy and grain free in my diet and possibly give up logging completely
Diary irritates my IBS and even though I don't eat a lot of dairy I'm going to give up chocolate and all traces of diary and hope it helps with my bloat and wind
I've noticed while away on a little vacation which involved food out of normal diet my stomach is in bits so tomorrow I'm back on track and I'm hoping this bloat will subside
As for the swelling in my legs I'm not sure
No I completely understand that there's only so much anyone over the Internet can help me with and I appreciate yer help
I suppose I was hoping someone would have experienced similar during the refeeding stage and give me the courage to battle through
But I'm feeling better about things now I'm going to stop obsessing about calories and what im eating just take it back to basics.
No point feeling sorry for myself just buckle back down and get these extra 10Ibs off
0 -
I'm not familiar with eating disorders. But as MandaLeigh mentioned above there are a lot of resources available and definitely make your therapist listen to you.
I would say focus on being healthy- inside and out. Putting hours stats in shows you should eat 1919 each day for TDEE and to lose eat at 1631. I would say eat just the 1631 (regardless of exercise- as in don't eat back calories as it is factored in on my calculations which are from Scooby). And workout 30-45 min 3-4 times a week. Focus on that and the weight will shift. The stress doesn't help- it increases cortisol levels. Do you eat a lot of sodium? What I am confused on is the feet/ankle and arms swellings. You are not going to see weight gain there at all at your height and weight. So that is definitely edema and fluid retention. Do you drink enough water? Are you on any meds?0 -
At MAC: thats what shows up on my computer last night and today. I'm not going to argue w/ you... You seem really defensive and I am just trying to help. I just want to let you know that I too have lost a lot of weight before and my metabolism was so suppressed from under eating and over exercising so that the minute I went over my calories I would gain. I too thought that I just gained weight faster than everybody else. I too thought that I would just be stuck eating a low amount of calories forever. But that's not the truth. The truth was I had suppressed my own metabolism. I had pushed down my own metabolism down by under eating and over exercising. That's why this group is so helpful. They help you in the process of fixing the metabolism that you damaged. I have lost over 50 pounds twice and I have gained it back twice… Why because I thought I will just have to keep exercising all the time and eating a small amount of calories... 1000-1200-1400 calories. Both times I thought well if this is how it has to be, then this how is supposed to be this. But what happened? I ended up slowly gaining it back. It creeped on because my metabolism wad messed up.
Was I ever diagnosed with an eating disorder? No. But I never sought help for it either. What would I do when I want to go out drinking with friends? I would only eat one nonfat yogurt for the day and drink the rest of my calories at night... Never going over 1200 calories. How would I feel when I only eat 500 cal for the day? Accomplished. It's scary.
Did I have success refeeding? I did not because my metabolism was so messed up.0 -
I'm sorry if I'm coming across defensive I don't mean to be at all , I'm looking at my diary on my phone and I just can't see any of them numbers I have never logged anything near that much food so I'm thinking there's some problem with my fitness pal account online I will log on to my laptop when I get home
Sorry again I don't mean to be defensive I'm not at all , if anything I'm just a girl in desperate need of advice and help going forward
I don't want to live a life of such restriction and not having a period and being depressed is not fun in my mind
I'm just at a place where I feel like I'm not mentally strong enough to gain another pound and all I know is restriction
I really feel like the health system here in Ireland is letting me down with their support and appointments for my therapist are too widely spread and leaves me feeling desperate in between
Hence why I seek help online.
I've asked several times for help to set me in the right direction but I feel like it's falling on deaf ears
My doctor reinforced the fact that I am full of gas in my stomach yet gave me nothing to treat it again making me feel defeated by what's happening to my body
When I express I've gained so much weight people dismiss me saying I'm still "light" when in fact it's nothing to do with the scale
I'm visibly bloated my stomach protrudes my legs feel heavy and again I cannot fit into my clothes
Telling me I'm still light does not help my stomach feel better nor make me clothes fit my swollen legs
This is where I'm failing to get help0 -
It seems like your in difficult place emotionally as well as physically and they aren't mutually exclusive. It sounds like you are seeking the answers from this forum and feeling invalidated for your efforts, it a shame because there has been alot of advice given but not quite what you want to hear and even you health care providers are failing you?
Unfortunately this approach may be more difficult for you to accept due to your Eating disorder, if you have restricted your eating for such a long time your body will need a considerable amount of time to mend itself, is this a fact thats difficult to accept?
You mention failing to get help.... but you have got help and you have started and continued to ask for help. The other part of the change equation is 'what to do with all this help?' Especially if its not what you want to hear?
You have worked hard to lose around 76Lb? and the fear of that coming back must feel overwhelming and stressful, but is there more that you can do about you thought processing? an example is your 'catastrophe thinking' this alone must be exhausting!!
It sounds like you body may be settling at 120-125lbs. Is this acceptable for you? perhaps not....
I wish you well and keep reaching out for help.
0 -
MACnificence wrote: »These numbers aren't in my diary at all. I looked at these dates and mine are all under 1600 calories for them days ?
No, I did check out one of the days (March 24th I believe) and it was 6000 some odd calories. However, it looks like you logged 47 bananas for breakfast where I'm pretty sure you meant 47 grams of banana.
0 -
im just so afraid of being heavy again, like petrified
I would always hide these feelings by restricting it gave me control , I always felt I had the control
Now I feel like I don't , my body is fighting against me
I'm afraid to restrict again because I fear I will never be better , but I equally fear being heavier than I am
I'm finding it hard to see myself this weight not to mind being any bit heavier
I spend 4 evenings in the gym I watch what I eat I don't eat fried foods or anything like that on a daily basis yet I feel like I've balooned recently and I am just so mad at myself for letting this happen to my body
I'm just emotionally worn out from this0
