So disgusted with myself!!!!

loribethrice

On 4/1 I weighed 131lbs. (I am 5'9.) I weighed myself tonight before I got into the shower and I now weigh 151lbs. I went an entire 7 days without bingeing and now I cannot stop. I just don't know what to do anymore. I'll go a few days and then all of a sudden I just HAVE to have 10,000 calories in one sitting. I am getting so depressed and I hate myself so much right now. Work and money have me so stressed out that it's like I have no choice but to eat whatever foods I feel like. I wish I could vomit, but since my body hasn't been able to do that in almost a decade it just all stays in me and makes me gain. I am at a loss and I am at the end of my rope with this. I wanted to call my PCP and make an appointment to see if she could help me, but I'm too ashamed now to go there because they will weigh me before my appointment.

walkdmc

I'm sorry you're struggling with this disease. It's a terrible thing and I've also had big upswings in my weight while bingeing. A lot of that is water weight. Try not to attach the number on the scale with your morality or self worth. That number is just one symptom of the illness and I'd absolutely contact your provider for help or a referral. Or, look for a therapist near by who has experience with BED/ED. Therapy was such a huge help for me.

EDIT: if you see your provider, can you refuse the scale? I've seen people do that, especially if they were just there.

mae918

Please don't hate yourself. I have never been a purger...I've only had a problem with bingeing. But, honestly, I would give yourself a lot of credit for opening up to this group..and also for not purging. That is really healthy feat that your overcame that aspect of all this. I used to get really down about bingeing, but I learned to forgive myself and try again. I used to be a perfectionist, and someone once told me - "Be gentle with yourself." For some reason that one phrase changed my life. I apply it to all things. I still struggle with bingeing, but I am no longer a perfectionist...and overall, I am much more happy and healthy. Please forgive yourself, seek support, and know that trying again is huge victory in itself. One day at a time, 5 mins at a time if you have to. It is all ok. And breathe.

loribethrice

walkdmc wrote: »

I'm sorry you're struggling with this disease. It's a terrible thing and I've also had big upswings in my weight while bingeing. A lot of that is water weight. Try not to attach the number on the scale with your morality or self worth. That number is just one symptom of the illness and I'd absolutely contact your provider for help or a referral. Or, look for a therapist near by who has experience with BED/ED. Therapy was such a huge help for me.

EDIT: if you see your provider, can you refuse the scale? I've seen people do that, especially if they were just there.

I don't know if they wouldn't weigh me or not. I would love to go back to a therapist, but I can't afford it. They cut our hours at work and it's $25 a session and most therapists I've seen want to see you at least once a week, so I just can't do it. I can barely afford to pay my regular bills and the stress is what makes me binge. I just can't stop. I'm so frustrated right now!! I feel like I have no power because all I think about is what sweets I want constantly. I gave in last night again and got myself a cookie cake and a bag of Cookies'N Creme drops and ate the entire thing of both.

loribethrice

mae918 wrote: »

Please don't hate yourself. I have never been a purger...I've only had a problem with bingeing. But, honestly, I would give yourself a lot of credit for opening up to this group..and also for not purging. That is really healthy feat that your overcame that aspect of all this. I used to get really down about bingeing, but I learned to forgive myself and try again. I used to be a perfectionist, and someone once told me - "Be gentle with yourself." For some reason that one phrase changed my life. I apply it to all things. I still struggle with bingeing, but I am no longer a perfectionist...and overall, I am much more happy and healthy. Please forgive yourself, seek support, and know that trying again is huge victory in itself. One day at a time, 5 mins at a time if you have to. It is all ok. And breathe.

I think I make it worse on myself because I had kept all my weight off for almost 2 years so I went and bought myself an entire new wardrobe and now stuff is getting tight and I'm getting panicked because I can't afford to buy more clothes. So that just makes me feel even more powerless. I try so hard to be kind to myself, but it feels like a feat in and of itself. And everyday that I fail it gets worse.

mae918

All any of us can do is to keep going. Hating ourselves for the mistakes is what makes us powerless - not the mistakes themselves. Try to make mini-goals, but make them within reach. This hour, maybe focus on drink a glass of water. And if you can't afford therapy, how about devoting an hour a day to reading about BED? Try to learn more about what the experts are saying you can do... there is a list of books on this community page..and lots of stuff online. Good luck. Keep your head up.

svelte32

I'm dealing with my BED I wasn't sure if I needed to do a 12 step program, just do some reading, or go to a treatment program, counseling, etc. I have checked out a 12 step program online and they recommend abstaining from sugar, wheat, flour. I tried that for a while and it's so difficult on a limited budget but I like the concept. My hubby bought some chips but they didn't agree with him so he said here you can have them and I tried them and decided these are not good for me because I started eating them and felt like I couldn't stop almost. I just might have to get rid of them. I've decided to make a list of foods that are like crack to me and avoid them like the plague. I noticed I eat a lot of processed foods and I want to incorporate more vegetables and fruits. My advice to people although no one probably asked for it is to get whatever help you can to get a handle on the over eating or whatever you refer to it as.