Low calories, LC and filling foods
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I often eat a stalk of celery with my tbs of peanut butter. I eat very low calorie most days because I feel full but I change it up every now and again. I found cycling calories to be very effective for long term weight loss.0
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sweetteadrinker2 wrote: »I second knit.
I also don't see how you could immediately gain with a single slightly higher calorie day, that sounds like water weight to me. Give it at least a month on at least 1300 calories per day to see. You shouldn't need to be hungry to lose with this woe, I regularly eat less than 1000 cals and am satisfied completely.
I dont understand how/why i gain weight so quickly either, but i do! It could be water weight, but i dont see how raising my calories just slightly, whilst keeping my macros the same, carbs very low, would cause you to gain water weight? As far as i knew, water weight tends to come from higher salt or higher carbs - My sodium & carbs stayed the same on my higher calorie days & i just raised my fats mostly. Its weird to me too, but fact still remains i lose weight when i lower my calories to 1000, and i gain weight when i raise them to 1300. Id love to know why my parameters are 300 cals lower than they should be, but i feel like accepting that's the way it is, because i find it harder to believe that there is a magical opening above 1300 calories where i would start to lose weight again.
So, you regularly eat less than 1000 calories, Sweetteadrinker? Did you feel hungry at 1st? How many calories were you eating before that? What's your height/weight & activity level? Sorry for all the Qs but it's great to find someone who is successful on 1000 calories. Are you actively losing weight?
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »
So, you regularly eat less than 1000 calories, Sweetteadrinker? Did you feel hungry at 1st? How many calories were you eating before that? What's your height/weight & activity level? Sorry for all the Qs but it's great to find someone who is successful on 1000 calories. Are you actively losing weight?
No hunger, that's why I eat so little. I eat when I'm hungry now, and still end up under 1000 lots of days. Before that (starting keto) more like 1400. I'm 5'2", 143.2 pounds, I'm either incredibly active(load 250 lbs bales of hay onto an ATV, move 50 lbs bags of grain for the goats, chase goats, milk goats, 15000 steps per day+ etc) or sedentary (injured or stuck in class all day). And I am actively losing weight, but it's slowed down because I'm close to maintenance, still about 1.5 lbs per week average. You can look at my diary, be aware that the past few weeks are not good examples of logging as I've been at the county fair exhibiting my goats.
Please do note that I lose more rapidly when I am closer to my cal goal, around 1200 minimum, but there are days where I can't bring myself to take care of putting up goat milk and cooking dinner-the milk always wins.
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You're similar build to me, Sweettea - im 5ft to 5ft1", 128 lbs. That's really encouraging. How long have you been on very low cals? It seems to be working great for you. Off to check your diary, thanks. x0
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »Holy moly - no i didnt read that post. Gaining weight for 6 months is out of the question. Hell, gaining for 6 days isnt something i could sit back and allow to happen. Psychologically, gaining weight is hugely destructive for me. I have zero confidence & ive pinned everything on losing weight. I know its a dangerous path, but i CANT fail. I wont allow myself to ruin everything ive achieved and to gain weight. With every pound i lose i achieve something more than just weight-loss - it makes me feel in control of my life, stronger, a winner. To gain weight is to fail, and if i fail at one more thing im scared that i will just give in and not try at anything again. I've been through a lot and this is my way of taking back control of my life & healing myself mentally as well as physically. So you see, i cant afford to go backwards and gain weight. I have too much riding on this. Its a mark of my success or failure in life. The healing abilities of seeing the scale going down - the sense of achievement and validation. I need that. I have a goal and this time i need to achieve it. This time i cant fail!
You really need to talk to a professional about these feelings and emotions. This sort of emotion is well past bordering on disordered eating. Losing and gaining weight shouldn't be this important to anyone.0 -
wheatlessgirl66 wrote: »Using pork skins to scoop up egg salad is very filling! When I have it for lunch I hardly want anything for dinner.
I wish I could come up with something for dips that are not pork rinds or celery. I just cannot make myself like them lol.0 -
If you eat cheese, you can shred it and bake little piles of shreds in the oven until they are crisp. Very yummy.0
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I wish I could come up with something for dips that are not pork rinds or celery. I just cannot make myself like them lol.
I roll up lettuce leaves into cigar shapes and use that to dip everything. Works very well and mentally reads for me like carrot sticks, not salad, so it feels snacky and solid.0 -
Pickles are Good for dipping0
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »Holy moly - no i didnt read that post. Gaining weight for 6 months is out of the question. Hell, gaining for 6 days isnt something i could sit back and allow to happen. Psychologically, gaining weight is hugely destructive for me. I have zero confidence & ive pinned everything on losing weight. I know its a dangerous path, but i CANT fail. I wont allow myself to ruin everything ive achieved and to gain weight. With every pound i lose i achieve something more than just weight-loss - it makes me feel in control of my life, stronger, a winner. To gain weight is to fail, and if i fail at one more thing im scared that i will just give in and not try at anything again. I've been through a lot and this is my way of taking back control of my life & healing myself mentally as well as physically. So you see, i cant afford to go backwards and gain weight. I have too much riding on this. Its a mark of my success or failure in life. The healing abilities of seeing the scale going down - the sense of achievement and validation. I need that. I have a goal and this time i need to achieve it. This time i cant fail!
You really need to talk to a professional about these feelings and emotions. This sort of emotion is well past bordering on disordered eating. Losing and gaining weight shouldn't be this important to anyone.
I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
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I found the first six weeks I had periods of intense hunger quite often. Then about two weeks ago I suddenly realised hunger wasn't a problem any more and that has continued. Long may it last I say! I'm glad I battled through it. I was very afraid that I would be hungry for the rest of my life!!0
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Celery or cucumber does me good
Some yogurt blue cheese dressing to dip.
Mmmmm!0 -
Avocado. Truly. A half an avocado isn't a lot of calories, and really adds to my satiety. Lately my breakfasts have been two poached eggs, half an avocado and then some chipotle tabasco sauce and pink salt. Yum.0
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »Holy moly - no i didnt read that post. Gaining weight for 6 months is out of the question. Hell, gaining for 6 days isnt something i could sit back and allow to happen. Psychologically, gaining weight is hugely destructive for me. I have zero confidence & ive pinned everything on losing weight. I know its a dangerous path, but i CANT fail. I wont allow myself to ruin everything ive achieved and to gain weight. With every pound i lose i achieve something more than just weight-loss - it makes me feel in control of my life, stronger, a winner. To gain weight is to fail, and if i fail at one more thing im scared that i will just give in and not try at anything again. I've been through a lot and this is my way of taking back control of my life & healing myself mentally as well as physically. So you see, i cant afford to go backwards and gain weight. I have too much riding on this. Its a mark of my success or failure in life. The healing abilities of seeing the scale going down - the sense of achievement and validation. I need that. I have a goal and this time i need to achieve it. This time i cant fail!
You really need to talk to a professional about these feelings and emotions. This sort of emotion is well past bordering on disordered eating. Losing and gaining weight shouldn't be this important to anyone.
I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
You do realize that you can be healthier and slimmer at a higher weight, based on muscle and fat recomposition, right? A person at your height can weigh 150 lbs with high muscle mass and such and be smaller than someone at 120 lbs who isn't muscular and all that. (Google Stacie from Nerd Fitness for pics and examples)
And no, feeling like your world essentially is over if you don't hit a specific number without context is not healthy, but I'm not going to go on about that.
BMI is truly irrelevant without considering BMI and muscle mass and probably a dozen other factors.
While I'm gaining health and getting healthier, weight loss is not exclusively my focus. I had to realize that health gains sometimes come at a temporary cost. If I never lose another ounce, but I continue gaining in all my positive health markers, I'm perfectly okay with that. Now, anyway.
Hyper-controlling everything in my life was not going to bring about happiness for me. I had to find the happiness and let go of the control. Admittedly, it took me years after being smacked in the face with this relevant truth to actually be able to accept it...
I wish you luck.0 -
I do the cucumber sticks for my yogurt + HV Dill dip. We eat a buffalo chicken dip a lot at my house as its fast, cheap, and super filling (and low carb). The husband and kids eat it with tortilla chips and I eat it with a spoon, lol. I don't even like tortilla chips except with this dip. I may try the lettuce leaves next time, though. Thanks all!0
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The topics in this thread have varied from the op, but some of them ring true for me and I feel the need to chime in on some. I've been LCHF then ZC since mid March. Weight loss up to 37 pounds. Scale got to 194 pounds on June 1. Very exciting to see since this was the first time in onederland since being a teen! I had been ZC for the month of May. The only dietary change was the addition of coffee with hwc and sugar free caramel syrup. Within two weeks the scale was up 18 pounds (212!) and yes, it sucks! They physical improvements have been so beneficial that I haven't run for the potato chips, in defeat, to soothe the feelings (first time in my life, so huge accomplishment!) Unsure of the reason for the gain, but have had to accept it as part of the process for me. My higher calorie days have been around 1600 and I have lower hunger days at 1000. So yeah, how does that happen? Wish I had the answer, but will be figuring it out. I plan to drop the coffee again after the syrups are gone. But, the last scale reading was 207, so it's still there. I've decided to stay off the scale for now. It's a liar anyway! It's an adjustment, through every phase. I have found that what I do this week affects next weeks scale readings, at least that's how it is for me. Rarely is a change seen overnight, unless it's sodium related.
Without the physical benefits I would have abandoned this woe, completely. It's the NSVs that keep me going!0 -
KnitOrMiss wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »Holy moly - no i didnt read that post. Gaining weight for 6 months is out of the question. Hell, gaining for 6 days isnt something i could sit back and allow to happen. Psychologically, gaining weight is hugely destructive for me. I have zero confidence & ive pinned everything on losing weight. I know its a dangerous path, but i CANT fail. I wont allow myself to ruin everything ive achieved and to gain weight. With every pound i lose i achieve something more than just weight-loss - it makes me feel in control of my life, stronger, a winner. To gain weight is to fail, and if i fail at one more thing im scared that i will just give in and not try at anything again. I've been through a lot and this is my way of taking back control of my life & healing myself mentally as well as physically. So you see, i cant afford to go backwards and gain weight. I have too much riding on this. Its a mark of my success or failure in life. The healing abilities of seeing the scale going down - the sense of achievement and validation. I need that. I have a goal and this time i need to achieve it. This time i cant fail!
You really need to talk to a professional about these feelings and emotions. This sort of emotion is well past bordering on disordered eating. Losing and gaining weight shouldn't be this important to anyone.
I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
You do realize that you can be healthier and slimmer at a higher weight, based on muscle and fat recomposition, right? A person at your height can weigh 150 lbs with high muscle mass and such and be smaller than someone at 120 lbs who isn't muscular and all that. (Google Stacie from Nerd Fitness for pics and examples)
And no, feeling like your world essentially is over if you don't hit a specific number without context is not healthy, but I'm not going to go on about that.
BMI is truly irrelevant without considering BMI and muscle mass and probably a dozen other factors.
While I'm gaining health and getting healthier, weight loss is not exclusively my focus. I had to realize that health gains sometimes come at a temporary cost. If I never lose another ounce, but I continue gaining in all my positive health markers, I'm perfectly okay with that. Now, anyway.
Hyper-controlling everything in my life was not going to bring about happiness for me. I had to find the happiness and let go of the control. Admittedly, it took me years after being smacked in the face with this relevant truth to actually be able to accept it...
I wish you luck.
Absolutely, Knit. I couldnt agree more. Body composition is WAY more important than general weight. That's why i started heavy weight-lifting again a couple weeks ago, with the intention of upping my lean muscle mass considerably. This is one of my most important goals.
However, for my body composition to be healthy/optimum i still need to shed a significant amount of fat. Im just under 28% body fat, and my goal is to reach 22% or below.
Im not ready to bulk yet as i dont want to gain any more fat - what's the point in pushing your heart out to build lovely muscle only to cover it all up with a big layer of fat? So, my goal is to cut the fat, whilst maintaining as much muscle as possible (i dont think you can gain much muscle mass on a calorie deficit, but ideally i would be gaining muscle mass through heavy weight-lifting whilst stripping fat from the calorie deficit).
I understand where you're coming from - for you, letting go of control helps alleviate some stress & pressure. But for me, letting go of control makes me feel worse, and feels like giving in. Im not prepared to give in. What im trying to achieve is not rocket science; its not impossible or improbable, and setting my sights on a goal like this gives me pleasure, motivation and hope. I think in life if you want something bad enough you should go for it, dont accept half measures.. if other people can achieve it then so can you. If you meet obstacles find a way around them. If you're not succeeding, try a different way... try, try and try again, and eventually you will succeed. I find this efffort inspiring, not stressful. Stressful for me is to just give up and let life decide where it takes me. That's what got me here in the 1st place, just going with the flow. I intend to take control of my own body, my weight, and my fitness. Giving myself the best opportunity to succeed makes me much happier than just accepting a situation im not content with. Sure its frustrating when you dont achieve what you set out to achieve 1st try, but if you dont try you will never achieve it - keep trying and success is within your grasp. That's how i see it. I dont see it as an unhealthy obsession - i see it as giving myself the opportunity to achieve something i really want.
People find happiness in all different places, but one surefire way to happiness is self-confidence - to feel that you are the best version of you you can possibly be. Having a fit body is not just physically rewarding, it's exceptionally psychologically rewarding too. You may feel that with me it has become somewhat of an obsession, but i think as obsessions go this one is nothing but positive.
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
If someone told you definitively that gaining 15 pounds would let you eat enough to feel full, increase your muscle mass, and improve your overall health, would you do it? Sure, it would push you from a BMI of 24 to one of 27. But, would you trade that scale number for a guarantee of better health and more satisfying eating? What if the weight gain wasn't permanent? Would you gain 25 pounds, that you would lose after your body healed, to have the health benefits?
I suspect you would not. I am not saying that, in actuality, gaining weight would make you healthier. I'm just saying that your response to the possibility suggests that even if temporary weight gain would lead to better health, you wouldn't take that route. Based on your self-description of your body type, the fat you like the least on your body is the kind that isn't a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, and all those associated issues that come with being overweight (which you're not even) or obese. You are at a healthy weight already. Your statement that stepping on the scale and seeing a gain makes you a failure contradicts reality. Even when losing weight, the scale will sometimes go up. When maintaining weight, the scale will go up and down around the goal weight, often by several pounds.
Losing more weight might have some benefits for you (likely not billions of benefits). I doubt it will radically improve your health profile. Losing it the wrong way may even damage your health profile. But, most importantly, you can have a goal to lose weight and still be happy with yourself right now.
Losing weight is not important to me. Sure, when I was over 200 pounds, I wanted to lose weight and had a weight loss target in my head. But, my goal was to be healthy so I could participate in mud runs and do well in them. My goal was health based. Yes, being lighter makes climbing over obstacles easier. But, my goal was health and fitness, not just to become smaller. Right now, I am not actively trying to lose any weight. I have a lower weight that it would be awesome to get to, but I'm not working towards it. I trust my body will get there, in time, if that's the right weight for me. In the meantime, I am focused on health first.
The scale is not an indicator of health [unless you are far below or far above the healthy weight range].
Edit: You're still my buddy, BTW. I just want you to see the same successful woman in the mirror that I see when I look at your profile. You want more, but you're the furthest thing from a failure.
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »KnitOrMiss wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »Holy moly - no i didnt read that post. Gaining weight for 6 months is out of the question. Hell, gaining for 6 days isnt something i could sit back and allow to happen. Psychologically, gaining weight is hugely destructive for me. I have zero confidence & ive pinned everything on losing weight. I know its a dangerous path, but i CANT fail. I wont allow myself to ruin everything ive achieved and to gain weight. With every pound i lose i achieve something more than just weight-loss - it makes me feel in control of my life, stronger, a winner. To gain weight is to fail, and if i fail at one more thing im scared that i will just give in and not try at anything again. I've been through a lot and this is my way of taking back control of my life & healing myself mentally as well as physically. So you see, i cant afford to go backwards and gain weight. I have too much riding on this. Its a mark of my success or failure in life. The healing abilities of seeing the scale going down - the sense of achievement and validation. I need that. I have a goal and this time i need to achieve it. This time i cant fail!
You really need to talk to a professional about these feelings and emotions. This sort of emotion is well past bordering on disordered eating. Losing and gaining weight shouldn't be this important to anyone.
I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
You do realize that you can be healthier and slimmer at a higher weight, based on muscle and fat recomposition, right? A person at your height can weigh 150 lbs with high muscle mass and such and be smaller than someone at 120 lbs who isn't muscular and all that. (Google Stacie from Nerd Fitness for pics and examples)
And no, feeling like your world essentially is over if you don't hit a specific number without context is not healthy, but I'm not going to go on about that.
BMI is truly irrelevant without considering BMI and muscle mass and probably a dozen other factors.
While I'm gaining health and getting healthier, weight loss is not exclusively my focus. I had to realize that health gains sometimes come at a temporary cost. If I never lose another ounce, but I continue gaining in all my positive health markers, I'm perfectly okay with that. Now, anyway.
Hyper-controlling everything in my life was not going to bring about happiness for me. I had to find the happiness and let go of the control. Admittedly, it took me years after being smacked in the face with this relevant truth to actually be able to accept it...
I wish you luck.
Absolutely, Knit. I couldnt agree more. Body composition is WAY more important than general weight. That's why i started heavy weight-lifting again a couple weeks ago, with the intention of upping my lean muscle mass considerably. This is one of my most important goals.
However, for my body composition to be healthy/optimum i still need to shed a significant amount of fat. Im just under 28% body fat, and my goal is to reach 22% or below.
Im not ready to bulk yet as i dont want to gain any more fat - what's the point in pushing your heart out to build lovely muscle only to cover it all up with a big layer of fat? So, my goal is to cut the fat, whilst maintaining as much muscle as possible (i dont think you can gain much muscle mass on a calorie deficit, but ideally i would be gaining muscle mass through heavy weight-lifting whilst stripping fat from the calorie deficit).
I understand where you're coming from - for you, letting go of control helps alleviate some stress & pressure. But for me, letting go of control makes me feel worse, and feels like giving in. Im not prepared to give in. What im trying to achieve is not rocket science; its not impossible or improbable, and setting my sights on a goal like this gives me pleasure, motivation and hope. I think in life if you want something bad enough you should go for it, dont accept half measures.. if other people can achieve it then so can you. If you meet obstacles find a way around them. If you're not succeeding, try a different way... try, try and try again, and eventually you will succeed. I find this efffort inspiring, not stressful. Stressful for me is to just give up and let life decide where it takes me. That's what got me here in the 1st place, just going with the flow. I intend to take control of my own body, my weight, and my fitness. Giving myself the best opportunity to succeed makes me much happier than just accepting a situation im not content with. Sure its frustrating when you dont achieve what you set out to achieve 1st try, but if you dont try you will never achieve it - keep trying and success is within your grasp. That's how i see it. I dont see it as an unhealthy obsession - i see it as giving myself the opportunity to achieve something i really want.
People find happiness in all different places, but one surefire way to happiness is self-confidence - to feel that you are the best version of you you can possibly be. Having a fit body is not just physically rewarding, it's exceptionally psychologically rewarding too. You may feel that with me it has become somewhat of an obsession, but i think as obsessions go this one is nothing but positive.
And just to clarify, letting go of control helps now. Before, about 7-10 years ago, letting go of even one tiny minute facet about made me crazy enough to go in a loony bin. Losing one millimeter on one tiny insignificant factor I was attempting to control made me feel like I was losing it all. If I was trying to get healthier and lose weight (I was over 300 pounds then), one bite or meal off plan was enough to send me into a spiraling binge for days if not weeks/months. I was in control of absolutely nothing. It was the illusion of control that was my placebo.
I had a psychiatrist look me square in the eyes, told me I was a control freak, that I was making myself miserable by attempting to force happiness in a miserable portion of my life, and that she could not give me any medication to help (I was medicated at the time, but the meds had "stopped working" or "stopped working WELL"), because I was the source of my own anguish, grief, misery, etc.
I walked out of her office on the defensive, angry, and disbelieving everything she told me. I won't even going into the verbal stream of abuse that scrolled through my head that I wanted to tell her, but whatever you can imagine, it was ten times worse than that.
I went on "controlling" my life, remaining miserable, barely functioning, obsessing about the unimportant, and letting the important things pass me by.
It was 5+ years later I woke up, and in a moment of clarity, I realized that EVERY SINGLE THING THAT PSYCHIATRIST HAD TOLD ME WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY TRUE. I was shattered. Since then, every moment of every day has been focused on some aspect of my recovery.
I'm not saying this as lesson or smacking you over the head with it or anything. I just wanted to share my own very personal story for a little sprinkling of perspective. Everyone is different. But I was in denial about everything I thought was the crux of my life. I was SO WRONG. And I wasted so much time figuring it all out.
I hope you find your peace and happiness sooner than I did!
HUGEST HUGS EVER, Carly0 -
Just as point of reference, 22% body fat on a woman is the upper range of fit. Which means you will have to be physically active all the time. This will become your life. As you said, from your own personal choices, exercise would not be it. I don't think this is realistic as a goal. 25% is considered the low end of average. Anything much lower than this and you won't have the essential fat required for hormonal health. Women at 22% who aren't extremely fit and active may have hormonal issues, may not menstruate and may have all manner of hormone related complications (including chronically weakened muscles). 25% is really the absolute lowest I would consider going if you do not plan to be athletically involved every single day of the rest of your life. Also, remember, the lower your body fat, the harder you have to work to maintain it. Women who achieve body fat percentages by starving themselves (general statement, not directed at ANYONE) harm their own health. Just sayin.0
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
If someone told you definitively that gaining 15 pounds would let you eat enough to feel full, increase your muscle mass, and improve your overall health, would you do it? Sure, it would push you from a BMI of 24 to one of 27. But, would you trade that scale number for a guarantee of better health and more satisfying eating? What if the weight gain wasn't permanent? Would you gain 25 pounds, that you would lose after your body healed, to have the health benefits?
I suspect you would not. I am not saying that, in actuality, gaining weight would make you healthier. I'm just saying that your response to the possibility suggests that even if temporary weight gain would lead to better health, you wouldn't take that route. Based on your self-description of your body type, the fat you like the least on your body is the kind that isn't a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, and all those associated issues that come with being overweight (which you're not even) or obese. You are at a healthy weight already. Your statement that stepping on the scale and seeing a gain makes you a failure contradicts reality. Even when losing weight, the scale will sometimes go up. When maintaining weight, the scale will go up and down around the goal weight, often by several pounds.
Losing more weight might have some benefits for you (likely not billions of benefits). I doubt it will radically improve your health profile. Losing it the wrong way may even damage your health profile. But, most importantly, you can have a goal to lose weight and still be happy with yourself right now.
Losing weight is not important to me. Sure, when I was over 200 pounds, I wanted to lose weight and had a weight loss target in my head. But, my goal was to be healthy so I could participate in mud runs and do well in them. My goal was health based. Yes, being lighter makes climbing over obstacles easier. But, my goal was health and fitness, not just to become smaller. Right now, I am not actively trying to lose any weight. I have a lower weight that it would be awesome to get to, but I'm not working towards it. I trust my body will get there, in time, if that's the right weight for me. In the meantime, I am focused on health first.
The scale is not an indicator of health [unless you are far below or far above the healthy weight range].
Edit: You're still my buddy, BTW. I just want you to see the same successful woman in the mirror that I see when I look at your profile. You want more, but you're the furthest thing from a failure.
Aww, Fit_Goat, you're a total sweetheart, and you make a LOT of sense.
Im exceptionally tough on myself and you've indicated that i should be kinder to myself - i think you may be right. I'll work on that Goat, because to be fair i have achieved a lot more lately, particularly since going Keto, than i admit to myself. (My waist is now 27" - that's the smallest its been for a long while. My thighs are still enormous, but ive definitely lost inches on keto, and my energy levels are good enough now to just about manage a new 5-6 day a week weight-lifting program, so things are going better than i allow myself to believe, you're right, Goat - I just strive for more, quicker, more dramatic progress. But, you and Knit have brought to my attention that perhaps i can achieve my goals and success without pushing my limits quite so far. I'll try to remind myself how far ive come and that weight-loss/health improvements/body recomposition is a marathon rather than a sprint.
Thanks again Goat. Really appreciate your thoughts.
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
If someone told you definitively that gaining 15 pounds would let you eat enough to feel full, increase your muscle mass, and improve your overall health, would you do it? Sure, it would push you from a BMI of 24 to one of 27. But, would you trade that scale number for a guarantee of better health and more satisfying eating? What if the weight gain wasn't permanent? Would you gain 25 pounds, that you would lose after your body healed, to have the health benefits?
I suspect you would not. I am not saying that, in actuality, gaining weight would make you healthier. I'm just saying that your response to the possibility suggests that even if temporary weight gain would lead to better health, you wouldn't take that route. Based on your self-description of your body type, the fat you like the least on your body is the kind that isn't a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, and all those associated issues that come with being overweight (which you're not even) or obese. You are at a healthy weight already. Your statement that stepping on the scale and seeing a gain makes you a failure contradicts reality. Even when losing weight, the scale will sometimes go up. When maintaining weight, the scale will go up and down around the goal weight, often by several pounds.
Losing more weight might have some benefits for you (likely not billions of benefits). I doubt it will radically improve your health profile. Losing it the wrong way may even damage your health profile. But, most importantly, you can have a goal to lose weight and still be happy with yourself right now.
Losing weight is not important to me. Sure, when I was over 200 pounds, I wanted to lose weight and had a weight loss target in my head. But, my goal was to be healthy so I could participate in mud runs and do well in them. My goal was health based. Yes, being lighter makes climbing over obstacles easier. But, my goal was health and fitness, not just to become smaller. Right now, I am not actively trying to lose any weight. I have a lower weight that it would be awesome to get to, but I'm not working towards it. I trust my body will get there, in time, if that's the right weight for me. In the meantime, I am focused on health first.
The scale is not an indicator of health [unless you are far below or far above the healthy weight range].
Edit: You're still my buddy, BTW. I just want you to see the same successful woman in the mirror that I see when I look at your profile. You want more, but you're the furthest thing from a failure.
Aww, Fit_Goat, you're a total sweetheart, and you make a LOT of sense.
Im exceptionally tough on myself and you've indicated that i should be kinder to myself - i think you may be right. I'll work on that Goat, because to be fair i have achieved a lot more lately, particularly since going Keto, than i admit to myself. (My waist is now 27" - that's the smallest its been for a long while. My thighs are still enormous, but ive definitely lost inches on keto, and my energy levels are good enough now to just about manage a new 5-6 day a week weight-lifting program, so things are going better than i allow myself to believe, you're right, Goat - I just strive for more, quicker, more dramatic progress. But, you and Knit have brought to my attention that perhaps i can achieve my goals and success without pushing my limits quite so far. I'll try to remind myself how far ive come and that weight-loss/health improvements/body recomposition is a marathon rather than a sprint.
Thanks again Goat. Really appreciate your thoughts.
Just some further food for thought, losing weight isn't going to necessarily give you confidence or make you happy with yourself. I lost 200 lbs, and I was miserable and hated my body. My need to control caused me to become anorexic, which led to binge eating, which led to gaining 60 lbs back in maybe 4-6 months. I've lost a lot of that since, and while I don't ALWAYS love my body, I am much healthier and happier now, 30 lbs higher than my lowest weight. I have energy again, I'm not passing out on the couch at 8:00 every night, I can have dinner or lunch with my friends and family without stressing over every bite that enters into my mouth.
Sometimes, seeing a lower number on the scale just isn't worth it in the long run.
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I'm rooting for you @CoconuttyMummy and I know you'll do it eventually. On the plus side, you've likely already gotten rid of the most metabolically dangerous fat (the central abdomen fat). On the downside, you're fighting the hardest fat stores for women to move. Upper leg and backside (not sure if that's a problem area for you as well as the legs) happen to be the hardest weight for women to move. Not that I have experience in that area, but it's what everything I've read suggests. Those areas are just the most sensitive to fat storage for women. As a health risk, that fat is very low risk. But, cosmetically, it can be extremely frustrating.
Just be sure to celebrate yourself for what you've accomplished already. Don't dislike yourself for not being perfect (yet). You've come a lot further than most people ever could. Maybe it's not the end of your journey, but you're an example for those who are looking to improve their own health through losing the most dangerous fat.
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CoconuttyMummy wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
If someone told you definitively that gaining 15 pounds would let you eat enough to feel full, increase your muscle mass, and improve your overall health, would you do it? Sure, it would push you from a BMI of 24 to one of 27. But, would you trade that scale number for a guarantee of better health and more satisfying eating? What if the weight gain wasn't permanent? Would you gain 25 pounds, that you would lose after your body healed, to have the health benefits?
I suspect you would not. I am not saying that, in actuality, gaining weight would make you healthier. I'm just saying that your response to the possibility suggests that even if temporary weight gain would lead to better health, you wouldn't take that route. Based on your self-description of your body type, the fat you like the least on your body is the kind that isn't a risk factor for diabetes, heart disease, and all those associated issues that come with being overweight (which you're not even) or obese. You are at a healthy weight already. Your statement that stepping on the scale and seeing a gain makes you a failure contradicts reality. Even when losing weight, the scale will sometimes go up. When maintaining weight, the scale will go up and down around the goal weight, often by several pounds.
Losing more weight might have some benefits for you (likely not billions of benefits). I doubt it will radically improve your health profile. Losing it the wrong way may even damage your health profile. But, most importantly, you can have a goal to lose weight and still be happy with yourself right now.
Losing weight is not important to me. Sure, when I was over 200 pounds, I wanted to lose weight and had a weight loss target in my head. But, my goal was to be healthy so I could participate in mud runs and do well in them. My goal was health based. Yes, being lighter makes climbing over obstacles easier. But, my goal was health and fitness, not just to become smaller. Right now, I am not actively trying to lose any weight. I have a lower weight that it would be awesome to get to, but I'm not working towards it. I trust my body will get there, in time, if that's the right weight for me. In the meantime, I am focused on health first.
The scale is not an indicator of health [unless you are far below or far above the healthy weight range].
Edit: You're still my buddy, BTW. I just want you to see the same successful woman in the mirror that I see when I look at your profile. You want more, but you're the furthest thing from a failure.
Aww, Fit_Goat, you're a total sweetheart, and you make a LOT of sense.
Im exceptionally tough on myself and you've indicated that i should be kinder to myself - i think you may be right. I'll work on that Goat, because to be fair i have achieved a lot more lately, particularly since going Keto, than i admit to myself. (My waist is now 27" - that's the smallest its been for a long while. My thighs are still enormous, but ive definitely lost inches on keto, and my energy levels are good enough now to just about manage a new 5-6 day a week weight-lifting program, so things are going better than i allow myself to believe, you're right, Goat - I just strive for more, quicker, more dramatic progress. But, you and Knit have brought to my attention that perhaps i can achieve my goals and success without pushing my limits quite so far. I'll try to remind myself how far ive come and that weight-loss/health improvements/body recomposition is a marathon rather than a sprint.
Thanks again Goat. Really appreciate your thoughts.
Just some further food for thought, losing weight isn't going to necessarily give you confidence or make you happy with yourself. I lost 200 lbs, and I was miserable and hated my body. My need to control caused me to become anorexic, which led to binge eating, which led to gaining 60 lbs back in maybe 4-6 months. I've lost a lot of that since, and while I don't ALWAYS love my body, I am much healthier and happier now, 30 lbs higher than my lowest weight. I have energy again, I'm not passing out on the couch at 8:00 every night, I can have dinner or lunch with my friends and family without stressing over every bite that enters into my mouth.
Sometimes, seeing a lower number on the scale just isn't worth it in the long run.
Raynne (is that your real name? - its beautiful). 200lbs? Wow! That is some serious determination! Im so sorry you had to go through such a tough time with your weight/body image. Anorexia must have been awful. Im glad that you're in a better place now.
I personally have no desire to be super skinny or underweight. For me, half of the picture is losing the fat, whilst the other half is building quality muscle. I dont want to be emaciated - my goal is to be slim but strong, muscular & defined. For that goal i realise that i need to be healthy and nourish my body thoroughly enough to sustain energy for daily lifting.
I appreciate its a fine line im treading, but i'll be mindful to ensure my health doesnt suffer whilst consuming very low calories. If i feel its negatively affecting my body i'll surely raise my calories back up slightly.
Just to say as well, i think the point you made about not necessarily being happier at a lower weight is definitely true. Ive lost a large amount of weight before on a very unhealthy cocktail of stimulants & starvation (i know, i know, bad bad BAD!). I wasnt exercising, and once i lost all the weight, the results werent even close to what i was hoping for - I was skinny-fat: thin but loose & wobbly, with no tone or shape. I looked really gaunt and ill b/c id lost all my lean muscle with starving myself; my skin was pale & almost grey with breakouts & dark circles under my eyes; even my hair suffered - it dried out, split and started falling out in handfuls. I looked awful. This is certainly not my goal this time round, i assure you.
Now im devoted to ensuring proper nutrition on a low calorie diet, keeping my protein levels optimum, fluids high, supplementing with necessary vitamins/minerals and importantly undergoing a decent weight-lifting program. I'll stay mindful that these elements are all crucial for healthy weight-loss.
Thanks again Raynne. Im so glad to hear that you've found a plan that works for you now, and you're happier and healthier because of it. It sounds like you're on the right path for you now. x
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I'm rooting for you @CoconuttyMummy and I know you'll do it eventually. On the plus side, you've likely already gotten rid of the most metabolically dangerous fat (the central abdomen fat). On the downside, you're fighting the hardest fat stores for women to move. Upper leg and backside (not sure if that's a problem area for you as well as the legs) happen to be the hardest weight for women to move. Not that I have experience in that area, but it's what everything I've read suggests. Those areas are just the most sensitive to fat storage for women. As a health risk, that fat is very low risk. But, cosmetically, it can be extremely frustrating.
Just be sure to celebrate yourself for what you've accomplished already. Don't dislike yourself for not being perfect (yet). You've come a lot further than most people ever could. Maybe it's not the end of your journey, but you're an example for those who are looking to improve their own health through losing the most dangerous fat.
You're a good'un, @Fit_Goat - that's a truly lovely thing to say.
Means a lot.
You're so right about the thigh/butt flab being the hardest to shift. It's really dug in there. Ive sent it an eviction order but its claiming squatters rights! Its quite a relief to hear that ive managed to vacate the more dangerous variety of blubber. I was drinking way too much alcohol up to a couple months ago (keto helped me to give up the booze completely, yay!) and i was starting to get a little belly - in fact, 2 people i know asked me, seperately but in the same week, if i was pregnant again! *slaps head* Honestly, i think that was the turning point for me - the shame! Keto has definitely done a great job of evicting that tummy flubber b/c its almost flat now. Im thankful for that. The thigh and derriere fat is proving a lot more difficult, you're right, but great to know it doesnt have the negative health impact of abdomen fat,
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KnitOrMiss wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »KnitOrMiss wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »CoconuttyMummy wrote: »Holy moly - no i didnt read that post. Gaining weight for 6 months is out of the question. Hell, gaining for 6 days isnt something i could sit back and allow to happen. Psychologically, gaining weight is hugely destructive for me. I have zero confidence & ive pinned everything on losing weight. I know its a dangerous path, but i CANT fail. I wont allow myself to ruin everything ive achieved and to gain weight. With every pound i lose i achieve something more than just weight-loss - it makes me feel in control of my life, stronger, a winner. To gain weight is to fail, and if i fail at one more thing im scared that i will just give in and not try at anything again. I've been through a lot and this is my way of taking back control of my life & healing myself mentally as well as physically. So you see, i cant afford to go backwards and gain weight. I have too much riding on this. Its a mark of my success or failure in life. The healing abilities of seeing the scale going down - the sense of achievement and validation. I need that. I have a goal and this time i need to achieve it. This time i cant fail!
You really need to talk to a professional about these feelings and emotions. This sort of emotion is well past bordering on disordered eating. Losing and gaining weight shouldn't be this important to anyone.
I've spoken with professionals many times, as i was in therapy for years for abuse and this topic came up frequently (low self esteem, self-hatred when i gain weight etc) - Fact is i dont have any eating disorders. I've been assured that many times. I just have an innate need to be below a certain weight to feel good about myself. I dont think that is uncommon. Some people are happy to be overweight or unconditioned - i am not. Simple as. I dont think this displays an eating disorder, it just means im self-conscious and happier when im slimmer. And the guidelines of a maximum weight ive set myself are not unhealthy or unreasonable - i dont want to be anorexic, just slap bang in the middle of 'healthy' range BMI. What's wrong with that? You say gaining or losing weight shouldnt be that important to me... well, the way i see it is, if we all found it as important as i do there wouldnt be an epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease & associated health issues with being overweight. I dont think its a negative thing or a mental issue to decide you need to be at a healthy weight. There are a billion reasons for me wanting to lose weight, all of them beneficial. What benefit is there of me remaining overweight, unhealthy & unhappy in myself? I think weight-loss is hugely important to a lot of people. It doesnt signify emotional disorders. Are you trying to say that losing weight is not important to you? I find that hard to believe!
You do realize that you can be healthier and slimmer at a higher weight, based on muscle and fat recomposition, right? A person at your height can weigh 150 lbs with high muscle mass and such and be smaller than someone at 120 lbs who isn't muscular and all that. (Google Stacie from Nerd Fitness for pics and examples)
And no, feeling like your world essentially is over if you don't hit a specific number without context is not healthy, but I'm not going to go on about that.
BMI is truly irrelevant without considering BMI and muscle mass and probably a dozen other factors.
While I'm gaining health and getting healthier, weight loss is not exclusively my focus. I had to realize that health gains sometimes come at a temporary cost. If I never lose another ounce, but I continue gaining in all my positive health markers, I'm perfectly okay with that. Now, anyway.
Hyper-controlling everything in my life was not going to bring about happiness for me. I had to find the happiness and let go of the control. Admittedly, it took me years after being smacked in the face with this relevant truth to actually be able to accept it...
I wish you luck.
Absolutely, Knit. I couldnt agree more. Body composition is WAY more important than general weight. That's why i started heavy weight-lifting again a couple weeks ago, with the intention of upping my lean muscle mass considerably. This is one of my most important goals.
However, for my body composition to be healthy/optimum i still need to shed a significant amount of fat. Im just under 28% body fat, and my goal is to reach 22% or below.
Im not ready to bulk yet as i dont want to gain any more fat - what's the point in pushing your heart out to build lovely muscle only to cover it all up with a big layer of fat? So, my goal is to cut the fat, whilst maintaining as much muscle as possible (i dont think you can gain much muscle mass on a calorie deficit, but ideally i would be gaining muscle mass through heavy weight-lifting whilst stripping fat from the calorie deficit).
I understand where you're coming from - for you, letting go of control helps alleviate some stress & pressure. But for me, letting go of control makes me feel worse, and feels like giving in. Im not prepared to give in. What im trying to achieve is not rocket science; its not impossible or improbable, and setting my sights on a goal like this gives me pleasure, motivation and hope. I think in life if you want something bad enough you should go for it, dont accept half measures.. if other people can achieve it then so can you. If you meet obstacles find a way around them. If you're not succeeding, try a different way... try, try and try again, and eventually you will succeed. I find this efffort inspiring, not stressful. Stressful for me is to just give up and let life decide where it takes me. That's what got me here in the 1st place, just going with the flow. I intend to take control of my own body, my weight, and my fitness. Giving myself the best opportunity to succeed makes me much happier than just accepting a situation im not content with. Sure its frustrating when you dont achieve what you set out to achieve 1st try, but if you dont try you will never achieve it - keep trying and success is within your grasp. That's how i see it. I dont see it as an unhealthy obsession - i see it as giving myself the opportunity to achieve something i really want.
People find happiness in all different places, but one surefire way to happiness is self-confidence - to feel that you are the best version of you you can possibly be. Having a fit body is not just physically rewarding, it's exceptionally psychologically rewarding too. You may feel that with me it has become somewhat of an obsession, but i think as obsessions go this one is nothing but positive.
And just to clarify, letting go of control helps now. Before, about 7-10 years ago, letting go of even one tiny minute facet about made me crazy enough to go in a loony bin. Losing one millimeter on one tiny insignificant factor I was attempting to control made me feel like I was losing it all. If I was trying to get healthier and lose weight (I was over 300 pounds then), one bite or meal off plan was enough to send me into a spiraling binge for days if not weeks/months. I was in control of absolutely nothing. It was the illusion of control that was my placebo.
I had a psychiatrist look me square in the eyes, told me I was a control freak, that I was making myself miserable by attempting to force happiness in a miserable portion of my life, and that she could not give me any medication to help (I was medicated at the time, but the meds had "stopped working" or "stopped working WELL"), because I was the source of my own anguish, grief, misery, etc.
I walked out of her office on the defensive, angry, and disbelieving everything she told me. I won't even going into the verbal stream of abuse that scrolled through my head that I wanted to tell her, but whatever you can imagine, it was ten times worse than that.
I went on "controlling" my life, remaining miserable, barely functioning, obsessing about the unimportant, and letting the important things pass me by.
It was 5+ years later I woke up, and in a moment of clarity, I realized that EVERY SINGLE THING THAT PSYCHIATRIST HAD TOLD ME WAS UNEQUIVOCALLY TRUE. I was shattered. Since then, every moment of every day has been focused on some aspect of my recovery.
I'm not saying this as lesson or smacking you over the head with it or anything. I just wanted to share my own very personal story for a little sprinkling of perspective. Everyone is different. But I was in denial about everything I thought was the crux of my life. I was SO WRONG. And I wasted so much time figuring it all out.
I hope you find your peace and happiness sooner than I did!
HUGEST HUGS EVER, Carly
Carly, we're on a similar path, you and me - set to healing our minds as well as our bodies, and overcoming demons along the way. I think many of us come to a point in our lives somewhere down the line where we have a moment of realisation that what we're doing and the way we're doing it isnt working for us, perhaps its even damaging us.
We're similar, but opposite, in a way, because i feel what damaged me the most was NOT taking control of my life - allowing everything to just float away, never making decisions, not putting effort in, letting anyone and everyone influence me until i lost myself and sort of gave up ownership of my life.
Taking back the reins is very healing for me, but i will try to remain vigilant against becoming too set on perfection
Its wonderful to know that you, too, are on your own path of recovery, physically, mentally & emotionally. As humans our psyche can differ greatly but one thing holds true for us all - we need to love ourselves to be truly healthy & happy.
*SQUEEZES*, Marie. x
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