Surrender

jessiekanga

I don't know how else to describe this "space" I'm in except hard and huge and overwhelming. I am triggered by grief/sadness over Father's Day, and that my father is not in ours, electively (his choice). I am gay with biracial children and a black wife (I am white). My entire existence seems to "disrespect" him. I wish things were different, that he could, for a moment, put someone else before himself. But that tree has been barked up many a time for many years.

I want to cope with the immediate and sustaining relief that I KNOW will come with a never ending Reese's pieces sundae with butter-crunch ice cream. I also know that however much of that fantasy sundae I could eat could still just never be enough. I could eat myself sick and then only feel ashamed as well as sad. So I walk into the kitchen to find "something else." A protein perhaps, those are "safe." Something, anything besides the elusive sundae.

Whether I eat ice cream or pepperoni is irrelevant. The pain is insatiable with it, so there's no pleasure in the food, and so the food is never enough to touch it. I just want more... whether I eat, or not (and I'm hopping back and forth between both...though not ice cream).

So tonight, as I'm struggling with knowing that with it or without it I just won't be satisfied, I just held myself up on the kitchen counter, head in my hands. F$#%! I surrender!!! I SUCK at surrender! Maybe someday it'll be the first thought instead of the last. I guess I can just celebrate getting there. It is ironic, however, that clarity in the middle of pain doesn't actually help you to FEEL any better. Guess I can surrender that too.

I am clearly a surrender novice, open to the thoughts, experience and wisdom that others bring into this. Commiseration welcome too... don't want to rule any responses out .

Terri_Wickwire

The first piece of my experience that arises is that I KNOW that one bite -- whether it be ice cream or fruit -- often leads to "just one more". Which then can roll into one more, one more, and then never enough. When that happens, I never know when I will come up to breathe. Could be the next morning, could be weeks. Could be never. I'm still not very good at surrender. To surrender is to be humble, and I'm not really good at that yet either.

I've dealt with a lot of father issues over the years, including a biological, adoptive and stepfather. It feels like, for me, some of that has settled down as I've grown older, and as I've attempted to help my adopted daughter work through her Dad stuff. I'm also blessed with a husband who is actually present with our daughter, a huge blessing.

The only thing I know for sure is that the only way to get out of the pain -- whatever is creating it -- is through it. And to go through it, I must remain abstinent.

You've taken steps to maintain your sanity by reaching out and communicating what's your truth. Kudos to you for that! Stay plugged in, and try to ride the wave. Whatever you do, be kind and loving to yourself. We are each our own Best Friends. :flowerforyou:

CoCoMa

Jessie,
Sorry that you are struggling {{{Hugs}}} To surrender is to let go of resentments and things that are out of our control. It's much easier said than done, especially when it comes to matters of the heart. With the help of program, I'm able to let go and in doing so, I am rewarded with a better life, the life that my higher power has planned for me. I know to always be mindful of this disease and to never be complacent with it. The spiritual void is what we are seeking to fill and we must get out of our heads and work on our hearts. When i cant get to a face-to-face meeting, i tune into phone meetings, sometimes three meetings a day so that i remain abstinent.
Hang in there, you are not alone.

Terri_Wickwire

Surrender is a great topic to revisit today, as it has been a day with surrender in more places than I can shake a stick at!! :huh:

Issue 1. Much of the turmoil at the moment is around business; I'm assisting with coordinating a buffet (yes God has a sense of humor) and many of the members of my business group are not giving feedback and/or participating -- the way I think they should -- which is also for the health and greater good of the group. And I'm pissed off that people have an hidden agenda that others should carry the ball to the goal posts while they get the glory for the touchdown.

Issue 2 is around my daughter and a friend's parent asking my daughter to help her in areas that her own daughter (my daughter's friend) doesn't want to do, so she leaves the house. The parent is asking my daughter to be a stand-in, and my daughter has challenges with boundaries around friends. Weird to me to have an adult want to Hang with my daughter, yet I have talked with my daughter about my discomfort and left it in her hands; my daughter is almost 17. Uncomfortable at best for me.

Issue 3 is around family; there are some changes occurring and they are sad and uncomfortable. Nothing ever stays the same, but change can be soooooo damned sad and uncomfortable.

4th Issue is around my own growing program and abstinence. While this is an amazing thrilling and blessing of a lifetime, it still feels uncomfortable. There's that word again -- Uncomfortable. Being uncomfortable brings up the desire to numb. And thoughts going through my head of "eat, drink, smoke, etc etc etc". Things designed for Check Out -- blue light special, anyone??

I'm just feeling so frustrated and angry :grumble: ... people don't do what I want, people don't respond the way I want, people don't live their lives the way I want. Hmmm I'm seeing a pattern here ... So I'm logging my food, going through the posts and made an outreach call. Then it's back to business the abundance flowing ...
:flowerforyou:

jessiekanga

Thanks all, truly.

PtownMama - I hear you. You have a full roster to be sure, and you also have a real serenity about you in the midst of it which comes across in font. Keep breathin'... then, as someone dear to me often says... breathe again.

Terri_Wickwire

Thanks all, truly.

PtownMama - I hear you. You have a full roster to be sure, and you also have a real serenity about you in the midst of it which comes across in font. Keep breathin'... then, as someone dear to me often says... breathe again.

Thanks Jessie -- I am breathing -- slowly ... in and out.