July 27, Day 3
KarenZen
Posts: 1,430 Member
Hey gang,
Wow... Two days of rest turned into four for me and a huge reminder that I need to stay vigilant to stay in the game. Partially when I started eating disorder treatment three years ago, and fully when I had the sleeve surgery in December, Jim lost his "eating buddy" and we lost a major source of our "recreation"--going out to eat. This weekend, although I spent most of it lying in bed with Still's flares and back spasms, when I did manage to get up, Jim dragged me out of the house for all kinds of food. Believe me, the "dragging" part was pretty easy--I was a willing accomplice. I even explained that I was starting boot camp on Saturday, and he urged me to "start tomorrow... what difference does a day make?"
The "good" news is that thanks to the sleeve, I was unable to do as much damage as I would have in the past. I just can't eat that much food. The "bad" news is that I chowed down on sugary and fried food that I haven't touched in months, and with good reason... I can't just eat a bit and walk away. They trigger cravings for more and more and more.
The other "good" news is that I managed to pull back last night. Jim asked me to put in a grocery order to pick up today, and my sugar-laden brain kept telling me, "Go for it, Karen. Have one more "cheat" day before you pull yourself together." I started filling my online grocery cart with all kinds of sugary foods before I really, really thought this through. Why was I doing this? What purpose did it serve? Why was I sabotaging myself? What would it take to get back on track?
Eating crap left both of us bloated, lethargic, and gassy... did I seriously want to do this to my body?
Soooooo.... grocery order went in. Lots of veggies and fruits, protein shakes.
I'm far away from "bootcamp ready," and, like Cari, was thinking about just easing through the week, giving myself a break. Then I read Lise's blog about who is going to care enough about me to make sure I do what I need to do to get fit and healthy, and her answer is spot on---I NEED TO. I need to care about myself. I need to love myself enough to eat what I need to eat to fuel my body in a healthy way. I need to drag myself to PT this week and do my homework exercises, no matter how painful, because I'm the only one who can make things better. I need to get my butt into the lake every day for a good swim workout. No one is going to cajole me into it. I'm not going to win a prize. I just need to love myself enough to want to exercise my body.
Unlike Lise, I don't have young children to do this for, and if I choose to stay in bed and eat myself into one of those bedridden obese women who wind up on Discovery's "My 600-pound Life," in some ways, my choices would affect very few people. I think Jim could easily be coerced into becoming my Enabler--I know... what a horrid thing to say and think, but it's true. Because I'm not teaching and have done a good job of isolating, very few people would miss me or worry about why I wasn't out and about. THAT reality is pretty harsh. Three years ago when I was still teaching, I had a HUGE social circle and support network, but chronic illness and obesity and my own "shame" have chipped away at both of those.
I'm just thinking aloud now, typing through this jumble of thoughts.
I think what's emerging here is that even though I'm not "boot camp ready" in the sense that I feel physically able to CHARGE rather than amble, I'm pretty sure I need a boot camp anyway, because I need to CARE about whether or not I succeed at becoming the healthiest, fittest me I can be.
Whew... if you've managed to read all this, congratulations! LOL!
My goals for the next week are to LIVE every day to the fullest. To eat only healthy food that nourishes my body. To do my PT exercises faithfully every day and to get a good swim workout every day. To work on cleaning my house every day. To clear up paperwork and remaining tax issues; to stop procrastinating! To work on my writing every day--specifically to get at least another 20 pages of Bigfoot completed. To set up my crafting/art materials in the studio so I have easy access.
My goals for the next week are to STOP this mindless wasting of time in front of the t.v. or with my face buried in a book that has absolutely no literary or intellectual value. Just like I've been feeding my body "junk" food, I've been feeding my brain and soul "junk" entertainment... basically wasting/killing time. Yes, I'm sure everyone needs "down" time, but boot camp, to me, means minimizing down time, making the most of every day, LIVING as much as I can. Like sugar creeps back into my life, time-killers creep in too, and this boot camp, for me, is as much about re-booting my intellectual, psychological, and spiritual health as it is my physical.
Soooooo.... that's my VERY long ramble for today. I'm half-hitting my boot camp stride today and hope to be full stride tomorrow.
What are you all doing?
xxooo
K.
Wow... Two days of rest turned into four for me and a huge reminder that I need to stay vigilant to stay in the game. Partially when I started eating disorder treatment three years ago, and fully when I had the sleeve surgery in December, Jim lost his "eating buddy" and we lost a major source of our "recreation"--going out to eat. This weekend, although I spent most of it lying in bed with Still's flares and back spasms, when I did manage to get up, Jim dragged me out of the house for all kinds of food. Believe me, the "dragging" part was pretty easy--I was a willing accomplice. I even explained that I was starting boot camp on Saturday, and he urged me to "start tomorrow... what difference does a day make?"
The "good" news is that thanks to the sleeve, I was unable to do as much damage as I would have in the past. I just can't eat that much food. The "bad" news is that I chowed down on sugary and fried food that I haven't touched in months, and with good reason... I can't just eat a bit and walk away. They trigger cravings for more and more and more.
The other "good" news is that I managed to pull back last night. Jim asked me to put in a grocery order to pick up today, and my sugar-laden brain kept telling me, "Go for it, Karen. Have one more "cheat" day before you pull yourself together." I started filling my online grocery cart with all kinds of sugary foods before I really, really thought this through. Why was I doing this? What purpose did it serve? Why was I sabotaging myself? What would it take to get back on track?
Eating crap left both of us bloated, lethargic, and gassy... did I seriously want to do this to my body?
Soooooo.... grocery order went in. Lots of veggies and fruits, protein shakes.
I'm far away from "bootcamp ready," and, like Cari, was thinking about just easing through the week, giving myself a break. Then I read Lise's blog about who is going to care enough about me to make sure I do what I need to do to get fit and healthy, and her answer is spot on---I NEED TO. I need to care about myself. I need to love myself enough to eat what I need to eat to fuel my body in a healthy way. I need to drag myself to PT this week and do my homework exercises, no matter how painful, because I'm the only one who can make things better. I need to get my butt into the lake every day for a good swim workout. No one is going to cajole me into it. I'm not going to win a prize. I just need to love myself enough to want to exercise my body.
Unlike Lise, I don't have young children to do this for, and if I choose to stay in bed and eat myself into one of those bedridden obese women who wind up on Discovery's "My 600-pound Life," in some ways, my choices would affect very few people. I think Jim could easily be coerced into becoming my Enabler--I know... what a horrid thing to say and think, but it's true. Because I'm not teaching and have done a good job of isolating, very few people would miss me or worry about why I wasn't out and about. THAT reality is pretty harsh. Three years ago when I was still teaching, I had a HUGE social circle and support network, but chronic illness and obesity and my own "shame" have chipped away at both of those.
I'm just thinking aloud now, typing through this jumble of thoughts.
I think what's emerging here is that even though I'm not "boot camp ready" in the sense that I feel physically able to CHARGE rather than amble, I'm pretty sure I need a boot camp anyway, because I need to CARE about whether or not I succeed at becoming the healthiest, fittest me I can be.
Whew... if you've managed to read all this, congratulations! LOL!
My goals for the next week are to LIVE every day to the fullest. To eat only healthy food that nourishes my body. To do my PT exercises faithfully every day and to get a good swim workout every day. To work on cleaning my house every day. To clear up paperwork and remaining tax issues; to stop procrastinating! To work on my writing every day--specifically to get at least another 20 pages of Bigfoot completed. To set up my crafting/art materials in the studio so I have easy access.
My goals for the next week are to STOP this mindless wasting of time in front of the t.v. or with my face buried in a book that has absolutely no literary or intellectual value. Just like I've been feeding my body "junk" food, I've been feeding my brain and soul "junk" entertainment... basically wasting/killing time. Yes, I'm sure everyone needs "down" time, but boot camp, to me, means minimizing down time, making the most of every day, LIVING as much as I can. Like sugar creeps back into my life, time-killers creep in too, and this boot camp, for me, is as much about re-booting my intellectual, psychological, and spiritual health as it is my physical.
Soooooo.... that's my VERY long ramble for today. I'm half-hitting my boot camp stride today and hope to be full stride tomorrow.
What are you all doing?
xxooo
K.
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Replies
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Icing my knee and praying for relief. I don't really want to have to go to the doctor to get lectured...again. I did what he asked, and still got hurt. I've lost a bit of weight and all that, and I'm still not further again, not really. So in the midst of this pain, I'm having a bit of pity party, but rest assured I'll kick it soon enough. Working to tweak my supplements still for best absorption. Think I've isolated the nausea down to my coconut oil...so odd for that to spring up all of the sudden.
And Karen, I don't know about anyone else but I try to always read everything everyone else writes. I"m sorry to hear of all your struggles, mentally and physically...
Btw, a dear friend of mine is struggling right now with some pretty severe depression. Does anyone have any ideas of free resources, online or by phone, that he might reach out to when the lowest of lows hit him? He was pretty rough last night, but my OH and I went outside to talk with him (he's my neighbor, too), and sacrificed some sleep to help him through the worst of it, but I know he wants to move forward and celebrate his life and happiness with his partner... There are a lot of factors involved, but from what I can tell the situational stuff only highlights and exacerbates the underlying physical causes... Any recommendations greatly appreciated. Part of the issue is that it's hard as heck to find work around here, and he isn't working, so anything requiring financial resources is somewhat out of the question right now.... Thanks in advance, everyone. Just a reminder, we are in Oklahoma, just for reference...0 -
Carly, not something I would ever dare to give advice on. Jim and I lost such a dear friend to suicide five years ago. We never saw it coming. We just knew he was struggling with depression after his wife left him and struggling financially when the housing market in Maine tanked (he did new construction and the jobs dried up). I still can't believe that he gave up hope so quickly and completely.
I did google "oklahoma" and "suicide hotline" and came up with this: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/oklahoma-suicide-hotlines.html
I know you wrote "depression help," but the trigger word for getting free mental health help is, sadly, "suicide," at least that's what my MSW and LCSW friends tell me (my sister went through this too). If he says he is "just depressed," he may not get the assistance he needs. He should be warned, though, that if he is at high risk for actually attempting suicide, he may wind up inpatient for 3-7 days, but at least he would be safe and under supervised care. Probably a good way to get a social worker and medical eval for antidepressants.
I hope your friend gets some good professional help.
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KnitOrMiss wrote: »Icing my knee and praying for relief. I don't really want to have to go to the doctor to get lectured...again. I did what he asked, and still got hurt. I've lost a bit of weight and all that, and I'm still not further again, not really. So in the midst of this pain, I'm having a bit of pity party, but rest assured I'll kick it soon enough. Working to tweak my supplements still for best absorption. Think I've isolated the nausea down to my coconut oil...so odd for that to spring up all of the sudden.
And Karen, I don't know about anyone else but I try to always read everything everyone else writes. I"m sorry to hear of all your struggles, mentally and physically......
Carly, hopefully you're feeling better today!
It's funny that you read my long post as "struggles," because I really thought I was focused on the epiphany that no matter what comes up, I still need to care about myself enough to take care of myself. Nope, it isn't always going to be easy, but I'm a freaking tough cookie.
That said, my first day of boot camp was pretty good. Looking at an even better day tomorrow because I took care of a lot of the prep today, including loading the fridge with yogurt, lean protein, veggies, and fruit.
This is a busy, busy week with 3 days of PT, new rheumatologist appt., new primary care doctor appt., plus all my boot camp activities and getting my writing done. I'll try to check in at least once every day, but even if I'm not leaving a lot of comments, I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.
Nancy and Lise, how'd you do today?
K.
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I am hanging in there...getting my strength back. Followup doc appointment post procedure and the two of the say they did a great job! I am happy, just a bit tired. I have been cleaning and sorting thru clothes. Put a DVD in and listen to it as I sort thru my tons of clothes. Getting rid of a lot of them, and threw away sheets that have holes in them...well I actually leave them in the garbage room as someone always collects the stuff for their use.
Eating is OK, trying to eat healthy and not eat coz I am bored!
Karen you are doing great...moving forward!! Just keep on going!
One of my favorite songs of all times that I love to sing when things are not going as well as I want them to is a song by Rodney Atkins (yes country/western!). Listen carefully to all the words!...Here is a bit of it..... 'If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you scared don't show it, you might get out fore the devil even knows you're there! If you going through hell, keep on moving, face that fire, walk right thru it , you might get out fore the devil even knows you're there!
This song makes me smile EVERY TIME...as I sing it out loud!!!!0 -
Carly, not something I would ever dare to give advice on. Jim and I lost such a dear friend to suicide five years ago. We never saw it coming. We just knew he was struggling with depression after his wife left him and struggling financially when the housing market in Maine tanked (he did new construction and the jobs dried up). I still can't believe that he gave up hope so quickly and completely.
I did google "oklahoma" and "suicide hotline" and came up with this: http://www.suicide.org/hotlines/oklahoma-suicide-hotlines.html
I know you wrote "depression help," but the trigger word for getting free mental health help is, sadly, "suicide," at least that's what my MSW and LCSW friends tell me (my sister went through this too). If he says he is "just depressed," he may not get the assistance he needs. He should be warned, though, that if he is at high risk for actually attempting suicide, he may wind up inpatient for 3-7 days, but at least he would be safe and under supervised care. Probably a good way to get a social worker and medical eval for antidepressants.
I hope your friend gets some good professional help.
Unfortunately, he is suicidal. I was just avoiding the actual phrasing, because I kind of felt like I was violating his privacy. He is very suicidal in his thinking. Everything is 100% awesome or 100% hel!. And it changes as quickly and violently as flipping a light switch.
He is a Mexican, Catholic, gay man who is being ostracized by his family, used and manipulated by his father, trodden upon by his brother, dealing with his partner's mother who has been very ill (she's had several strokes this year and been in and out of the hospital), plus he is having huge problems finding work (his only verifiable experience is in his family's restaurant, but his brother is the manager and is intentionally giving personally skewed references when anyone calls - and being an owner of a restaurant in a small town, the other owners all know each other and gossip, so the brother has essentially blacklisted him from the restaurant business, which is his only true work experience and confidence (he's 24, I think).... And of course we know the things that seem world ending at 24 seem less annoying than a circling fly at 40, but you can't give him a crash course in life experience.
And I just wish I could help more. I'll definitely look up that link and pass it on. I don't think he would object to the inpatient care if he could get to a state of feeling better. He also had some crazy medical stuff himself they never found a cause on that just faded and could resurface (he was hospitalized for something to do with incapacitating migraines with massive swelling of the brain and head, and I think it caused temporary nerve issues, too)...
I just want to help, but I know he's reached out in general. I just don't know that he's ready to grab and accept the help he really needs...
EDITED TO ADD: That is a great link, btw! I think it will definitely give him something to read on and contemplate.0 -
[quote="catladyksa;33445644"One of my favorite songs of all times that I love to sing when things are not going as well as I want them to is a song by Rodney Atkins (yes country/western!). Listen carefully to all the words!...Here is a bit of it..... 'If you're going through hell, keep on going, don't slow down, if you scared don't show it, you might get out fore the devil even knows you're there! If you going through hell, keep on moving, face that fire, walk right thru it , you might get out fore the devil even knows you're there!
This song makes me smile EVERY TIME...as I sing it out loud!!!![/quote]
Nancy - I love that song. Did you know that the words are actually loosely based on a quote attributed to Winston Churchill, but not verified, as well as something said by Teddy Roosevelt? We've had some very intelligent leaders in history!Carly, hopefully you're feeling better today!
It's funny that you read my long post as "struggles," because I really thought I was focused on the epiphany that no matter what comes up, I still need to care about myself enough to take care of myself. Nope, it isn't always going to be easy, but I'm a freaking tough cookie.
That said, my first day of boot camp was pretty good. Looking at an even better day tomorrow because I took care of a lot of the prep today, including loading the fridge with yogurt, lean protein, veggies, and fruit.
This is a busy, busy week with 3 days of PT, new rheumatologist appt., new primary care doctor appt., plus all my boot camp activities and getting my writing done. I'll try to check in at least once every day, but even if I'm not leaving a lot of comments, I'm cheering you on from the sidelines.
Nancy and Lise, how'd you do today?
K.
Karen, I was trying to keep it short, and in so much as I cut off the actual intent of my message. I unfortunately seem to have been doing that a lot lately. I've used up all my emotional bandwidth of "dealing with sh!+" already, and there's still MONTH left to deal with... SIGH
I am sorry that you're struggling, but so happy for you that those struggles are pushing you to new levels of achievement. As with muscles, we have to tear them down some before we can build them up stronger. You're juts a stronger mental muscle in the making!
And that is a HUGE epiphany - because life is always going to throw crap at us and in our way. The only things we can do is to come up with strategies and flexibility to deal with everything that comes our way... And you're GREAT at that...maybe it's all the life experience?
HUGS.
P.S. Knee is still in pain - maybe a 3-4 right now, but ramping up, as I haven't taken ibuprofen (I try not to if I can get away with it) or iced it today.... I have a recurring tendon issue, what wraps around from the back of my knee, curving around the inside of the joint and attaching up under the kneecap. I don't know what they are going to be able to do about it, because I just aggravated it doing one of the only kinds of activity I was allowed. Probably will end up in PT for that. I've been on limited movement and had problems with both my knees (they both click and stuff with every movement) for as long as I can remember. Too many years of volleyball followed by too many years of obesity... I just hope we can do things way short of surgery, because no way do I want to be 39 with artificial anything!0 -
My mom had both knees replaced last year. She's 75, obese, and has had knee issues for YEARS, and I had to drag her kicking and screaming into the doctor's office. But she did it, did her PT, and is SO thankful that she did. Her mobility has improved 1000% and her pain is GONE. Today's replacement knees and knee surgeries are so much better than even ten years ago. Minimal scarring, very short recovery time. Worth looking into.0
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I will do it if that is my option, but I still am in the process of healing my body as I can, so I have to give that a good "run" first... I'm not one to avoid the doc. I still remember the shock when I told my doc that bariatric surgery was not something I wanted. I wanted him to help me fix my metabolism and body and underlying issues to do this the traditional way. Bariatrics terrified me to death. I think anyone who goes that route is brave as all get out, because the restrictions and warnings and all that scared me more than staying fat. But, it was having more than one doctor mention it to me since I'd failed at everything else that finally pushed me mentally to get to where I could start focusing on my health.
So I'm giving my knees some more repair time. I'm just upset because I was told the bike was "okay," and it really wasn't!! I don't know why. I'm going to wait until the pain subsides completely, then try again, slower and steadier, etc. I just don't do well with doing things slow and steady. I'm a "jump in the deep end and kick some tail" kind of gal. My body just doesn't agree with my mind anymore...
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Have had one hours sleep. Will try and read and catch up later. Sorry0
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Lise, I hope you get some sleep soon! We can't live without it. (hugs)0
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