Almost half way to goal...the struggle continues

AngInCanada

I've lost 33 1/2 pounds in 119 days and have another 36ish to go. This post may get long.

I have a long history of disordered eating. Mostly binge eating but also an period of purging after binging in my early 20's. We are talking 16 or 17 years of binge eating.

I've tried diet after diet after diet. Most have failed when I felt deprived and I end up binge eating all of the weight back. Other times (twice) I succeeded in getting to my goal weight and kept off the weight for a couple of months then binged it all back plus some.

May 4th I started the keto diet. After the first couple of weeks the cravings were almost non existint and I felt okay but pretty exhausted. I started on magnesium and potassium and upped my salt. Things started to get a bit better. I also started weaning off of antidepressants at that time under the care of my GP.

Fast forward to around day 100. The novelty has started to wear off, I'm getting tired, I am craving stuff that I know isn't appropriate for the keto diet (or any healthy diet for that matter). I am dreading going out with friends or to anyone's house for dinner or to a birthday party or.....etc you get the point.I start to get pissed off about this whole journey. Why have I struggled with my weight over half my life when my brother can eat take out 3 times a week and be thin as a rail. Why cant I just count calories and lose weight (ilat one point I'd decreased my calories to 1200 a day and couldn't lose so cico is NOT for me).

Today I was just exhausted and ready to throw in the towel so I decided I was going to increase my carbs. I was trying to convince myself it was for a good reason but I have to admit that it was for unhealthy reasons that will totally just drag me back to my unhealthy ways of eating. I had no desire to increase carbs to eat a bit of healthy carbs.... it was to try and fit things like potato chips and cookies and the like back into my diet.

I am sad that food just can't be uncomplicated and without guilt or emotion. Will I always need to eat this way? Will I ever feel comfortable just watching what I eat? I am afraid. I've done this so many times. I want to lose the weight and keep it off.

KarlaYP

Just remember the great choices you have made to get this far. YOU made them, for you, and are reaping the rewards! Desire for carbage is an always thing. Sort of like an alcoholic is always an alcoholic. We can convince ourselves that we are bored...to justify making poor choices (these are YOUR choice too). You know how that stuff makes you feel/look. That should be enough to help you make the best choices now. Return to basics is never a bad idea too! Good luck! Hugs!

auntstephie321

First off ((hugs)). I know this struggle so well. I know exactly how I need to eat to lose weight and maintain it, yet each time I get to goal after a little while I gain it all back. It doesn't happen right away but after about six months of eating carbs my insulin resistance gears back up and the lbs come on faster and faster and no matter what I try I can't get back in control. Till I hit about 180 them I start the cycle all over again.

I'm hoping this time is different though recently I've been way off course and feeling the consequences of those choices. I don't know how one can permanently fix that kind of unhealthy relationship with food. What I'm trying to do is not stress about it. Friday was a disaster then Saturday I did better but again today wasn't stellar. I'm not going to bash myself for it, God willing I have a lot of life left to live and there are foods that I enjoy and would be sad if I thought I could never have them again. I'm allowing them but in appropriate portions and I know tomorrow is a new day for new choices.

you control the food, the food doesn't control you. Put it in its place, if you want Doritos and coke, find a way you can do that once in a while or find an alternative that can replace it. I've found that setting a goal around 80 g carb a day is doable and allows me to add in some treats still staying in the calorie range I've set for loss. Balance is key, if I know I want to have ice cream I can't have potato chips too.

Mostly just know we're here for you. Maybe your just burnt out and feeling guilty about wanting to add that stuff back in isn't going to help is that's the case. Don't be so hard on yourself you are doing amazing you wouldn't be human if you didn't have struggles along the way.


Sorry if that's ask rambly and all over the place, my thoughts hop around sometimes

AngInCanada

The issue I have is that one taste of certain foods and everything goes out the window. One bite of chocolate, one chip from the chip bag, one piece of toast (yes even the low carb bread) and all willpower, motivation, everything. GONE!

nvmomketo

I tend to think of it as all or nothing too but I know I can stick with the nothing if i need to. I was diagnosed with celiac disease a few years ago so I had to cut many "normal" foods from my diet and restrict eating out unless I wanted to gamble with my health. I did it and got used to it over many months.

I look at eating low carb the same way. I did it for my health. I may not continue to eat as low carb as I am now once my health issues really stabalize, but that will be months or years from now, so I know this is a long term thing.

Going back to what I ate before will give me back the health I had before. It isn't fair, and I don't really like it, but that's the way it is.

My favourite fortune cookie fortune, which has been taped to my fridge fr about 15 years, says "Acceptance is the key to happiness." Change what I can and accept the rest.

Maybe in my next life I'll be able to eat unlimited amounts of cinnamon buns.

auntstephie321

I'm sorry I wish I had a way to solve that for you.

Since eating the things I love cause me physical pain it's a little easier to go to not eating it because after a day or two of accepting the pain it quickly becomes not worth it again.

I know I've seen people say that willpower is like a muscle, the more you use it the stronger it gets.

KarlaYP

Remembering what those choices did to me is still enough motivation to continue this woe. I do think about carbage from time to time but do not want the consequences. I am with nvmomketo, I don't even want to try it! That wol wasn't living!

mlinton_mesapark

Ang, thanks for being honest and putting this out there. I think that is a great first step toward resolving this problem, at least for now.

I think the advice already given is pretty solid. At 100-odd days in, boredom/burnout is a threat I have to keep my sights on, too. I've burned out and quit at this stage before, watched my momentum and determination crumble in slow motion. I remember how sucky that felt, and how impossible it felt to start over again. (That was CICO, but still.)

My brother recently told me, and he might have been quoting someone else, "Everyone needs someone to love, something to love doing, and something to look forward to." Can you set yourself up to enjoy pursuing one or more of these three? Maybe that'll be enough to rekindle the fire.

Regarding the folks out there who seem to get away with stuffing themselves, yet stay thin... I suspect it does catch up with them, in some way. The TOFI phenomenon, perhaps. Or some people just don't struggle with staying thin/fit/healthy, but do have other massive struggles in life. Everyone has a cross to bear.

I'm glad you're here. I hope you'll stick around and share your struggles and joys. (((Hugs)))

KarlaYP

Btw: my aunt has always been able to eat what she wants without gaining weight or having any adverse effects from it. She is 68 years old now and on Wednesday suffered a mild heart attack (thankfully no major damage and can treat with just aspirin), but she also came home with meds for high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. She now has to learn how to control it all!. Being able to eat whatever you want isn't always a gift!

wabmester

AngInCanada wrote: »

The issue I have is that one taste of certain foods and everything goes out the window. One bite of chocolate, one chip from the chip bag, one piece of toast (yes even the low carb bread) and all willpower, motivation, everything. GONE!

Pizza is my drug of choice. I'm about 230 days into eating low carb, and I haven't had a single piece. And I haven't even been tempted. It's not willpower -- it's a change in mindset. My mindset is that pizza is dangerous to me -- sort of a gateway drug into all sorts of carb-laden goodies. And I know what long-term effect that had on me.

If you need to rely on willpower, you're in danger. Do you need willpower to resist drugs? Do you need willpower to keep yourself from running across the street during rush hour?

You already know what causes you to binge -- it's a rebound from the feeling of being deprived. Low-carb bread is no way to end that feeling of being deprived, IMHO. It just makes you crave real bread.

You know your drugs. You know what they do to you. It's your decision, but we're here to give you hell if you screw up.

auntstephie321

wabmester wrote: »

AngInCanada wrote: »

The issue I have is that one taste of certain foods and everything goes out the window. One bite of chocolate, one chip from the chip bag, one piece of toast (yes even the low carb bread) and all willpower, motivation, everything. GONE!

Pizza is my drug of choice. I'm about 230 days into eating low carb, and I haven't had a single piece. And I haven't even been tempted. It's not willpower -- it's a change in mindset. My mindset is that pizza is dangerous to me -- sort of a gateway drug into all sorts of carb-laden goodies. And I know what long-term effect that had on me.

If you need to rely on willpower, you're in danger. Do you need willpower to resist drugs? Do you need willpower to keep yourself from running across the street during rush hour?

You already know what causes you to binge -- it's a rebound from the feeling of being deprived. Low-carb bread is no way to end that feeling of being deprived, IMHO. It just makes you crave real bread.

You know your drugs. You know what they do to you. It's your decision, but we're here to give you hell if you screw up.

Love this guy! Always makes so much sense.

KarlaYP

I agree!

AngInCanada

wabmester wrote: »

AngInCanada wrote: »

The issue I have is that one taste of certain foods and everything goes out the window. One bite of chocolate, one chip from the chip bag, one piece of toast (yes even the low carb bread) and all willpower, motivation, everything. GONE!

Pizza is my drug of choice. I'm about 230 days into eating low carb, and I haven't had a single piece. And I haven't even been tempted. It's not willpower -- it's a change in mindset. My mindset is that pizza is dangerous to me -- sort of a gateway drug into all sorts of carb-laden goodies. And I know what long-term effect that had on me.

If you need to rely on willpower, you're in danger. Do you need willpower to resist drugs? Do you need willpower to keep yourself from running across the street during rush hour?

You already know what causes you to binge -- it's a rebound from the feeling of being deprived. Low-carb bread is no way to end that feeling of being deprived, IMHO. It just makes you crave real bread.

You know your drugs. You know what they do to you. It's your decision, but we're here to give you hell if you screw up.

All it takes is a different way of wording something and it makes me go hmm. Lol. You are right and it has given me a lot to think about tonight. Thank you.

SlimBride2Be

I'm with you Ang. 126 days in and the struggle is REAL. Horrible stage of fear and making bad choices.

KittensMaster

(((((((Hugs)))))))

I find that fibrous veggies are the key to my dietary success. It sounds weird but that is where it's at.

I feel full longer. Those slow release carbs are high fiber and low net carb.

It isn't a candy bad obviously. But it is filling and seems to stop cravings from building so I don't have to deal with as many

On the other side of that coin is the exercise option...

My diary is open and you can see that on hard ride days where I know I'm riding more than 30 miles I just buy a Snickers bar at the rest area where I leave from.

If you are going to indulge, then plan to burn it off.

It is just fuel for the machine. That is all food is. It is not a reward. It is not comforting. It is not your friend. It is really just fuel.

I used to reward myself with food. I used to be sad about being fat.... And then comfort myself with food. Ironic eh?

I hope you can detach any feelings for food beyond fuel and get the control you want.

It is a new way of thinking that saved my life

Best wishes

Sunny_Bunny_

AngInCanada wrote: »

wabmester wrote: »

AngInCanada wrote: »

The issue I have is that one taste of certain foods and everything goes out the window. One bite of chocolate, one chip from the chip bag, one piece of toast (yes even the low carb bread) and all willpower, motivation, everything. GONE!

Pizza is my drug of choice. I'm about 230 days into eating low carb, and I haven't had a single piece. And I haven't even been tempted. It's not willpower -- it's a change in mindset. My mindset is that pizza is dangerous to me -- sort of a gateway drug into all sorts of carb-laden goodies. And I know what long-term effect that had on me.

If you need to rely on willpower, you're in danger. Do you need willpower to resist drugs? Do you need willpower to keep yourself from running across the street during rush hour?

You already know what causes you to binge -- it's a rebound from the feeling of being deprived. Low-carb bread is no way to end that feeling of being deprived, IMHO. It just makes you crave real bread.

You know your drugs. You know what they do to you. It's your decision, but we're here to give you hell if you screw up.

All it takes is a different way of wording something and it makes me go hmm. Lol. You are right and it has given me a lot to think about tonight. Thank you.

I have realized from reading in our group that this is a common change of mindset that has helped many of us. I am the same. I actually started out this WOE partly fueled by the desire to stop being weak and caving in to sugar cravings. I found inspiration in a couple of strange places. My niece is a recovering drug addict that is doing well now but I know she fights back her addiction every day. I thought, how could I be so weak that I can't simply not eat candy? It sounded absurd to me once I thought of it that way. I see my niece working so hard to recover her life and I'm over here stressing about eating candy and getting fat! I felt like an idiot! It became pretty simple for me to leave it alone once I wrapped my head around that way of thinking.

AngInCanada

Thanks so much everyone!

ambergem1969

This resonates so strongly for me! I too have lost and regained (plus some) many times and that repetition of failure plays heavily on me. I know at some point I'm going to have to face it because this time I want it to be different. You've gotten a lot of great advice and its definitely in you to succeed.

I heard an interesting RadioLab yesterday about how the part of our brain that is considering a reward NOW is much stronger at directing our behaviour than consequences down the road. They suggested that one of the ways to persevere is to make the consequence as important as the reward. The example they gave is a woman who had been smoking for decades (and who had tried quitting many times) who finally gave $5,000 of her savings to her friend and told her if she ever so much as smoked a single cigarette again, the money was to be donated to the Ku Klux Klan. It worked because she placed herself against a wall and had nowhere to go but forward...and the consequence (donating to the KKK) was so horrendous that her desire to smoke paled in comparison.

I'm not suggesting this extreme approach to anyone but it's an interesting idea!

KnitOrMiss

This example - of donating money to a group you would never normally support and all - that is one of the main theories in the book I've been reading/listening to. Change Anything - The New Science of Personal Success. I think think first author is Kerry Patterson. This book has made so much since. It incorporates so much of what others have said above, sometimes phrasing it in different ways.

All the junk food is marketed toward overwhelming our willpower and determination. TV commercials, smells in a store, even sound cues to get your attention. If we don't arm ourselves against all those outside influence, we fall in to the willpower trap and blame ourselves. But more so it is that we haven't learned the skills to fight this fight. We haven't figure out how to make those influences work FOR us, rather than against us.

I am telling you, if you have access to free books through your library, some friends have found it on CD, or use the OverDrive app to download the audiobook for free, and many other places carry it too. I would strongly recommend finding a book like this that helps us to understand that all these things we "fail" at are not because we don't have the willpower or determination. There are many outside influences that we need to learn skills to combat!

I strongly recommend any book that teaches you to arm yourself - and this book in particular.

ambergem1969

I took a psych course in Motivation last year and one of the things that struck me hard is how human beings try to use logic/willpower to overcome primitive drives that exist because they are essential for our survival. Not only have our metabolisms not adapted to the modern diet, but our brains haven't adapted to the new environment either -- and marketers and food companies are more than happy to capitalize on it.

@KnitOrMiss - that book sounds great - I'll have to check it out! I like the idea of defensive thinking

auntstephie321

I could definitely use something to get myself motivated. Aside from my health goals I have year end goals I have to hit at work, the most important one I'm not even half way to. The thought of it is overwhelming to me, I hit it each year but this year has been so much of a struggle for me. And again it will all boil down to me getting it done on my own, it's an office goal but there are only two of us currently and my co worker doesn't really understand the policies that need to be sold so I can't count on him. I think this is where the majority of my stress right now is stemming from

KnitOrMiss

ambergem1969 wrote: »

I took a psych course in Motivation last year and one of the things that struck me hard is how human beings try to use logic/willpower to overcome primitive drives that exist because they are essential for our survival. Not only have our metabolisms not adapted to the modern diet, but our brains haven't adapted to the new environment either -- and marketers and food companies are more than happy to capitalize on it.

@KnitOrMiss - that book sounds great - I'll have to check it out! I like the idea of defensive thinking

Goodness, this just triggered a memory for me from that book!! One of the most shocking things I remember hearing/reading, but which eerily also made the most sense, is that the human body is biologically geared for binging when food tastes good. When the bland foods of the certain months (in olden times) were all that was available, the body ate because it was what was available, but in the months when the tribe/family could hunt, and fats and meats were plentiful, the body was geared up to binge eat all it could to store away the best foods to nourish it when other foods were not available.

So when we try to make all our food taste decent and appealing, we usually hit that brick wall of genetically geared response, "Here is the good food. It it all now, because there may not ever be more." So when we can go daily, or heck, hourly should we choose, and get great tasting flavorful fatty meats and nourishing food, many times our body still has that instinctive response to "eat everything NOW!"

As we are trying to get back to hunger signals, we are fighting generations upon generations upon generations of genetic programming. And this is where that willpower trap comes in. We blame our willpower for not being able to fight hundreds of years of genetics? Wow...

KnitOrMiss

auntstephie321 wrote: »

I could definitely use something to get myself motivated. Aside from my health goals I have year end goals I have to hit at work, the most important one I'm not even half way to. The thought of it is overwhelming to me, I hit it each year but this year has been so much of a struggle for me. And again it will all boil down to me getting it done on my own, it's an office goal but there are only two of us currently and my co worker doesn't really understand the policies that need to be sold so I can't count on him. I think this is where the majority of my stress right now is stemming from

Can this whole issue not be addressed to a boss? If you are the only one selling those policies, the goal should be adjusted. Period. If not, someone, and not YOU, needs to be training your co-worker how to prioritize hitting those goals (I say not you because you still need to be selling, not teaching him AND killing yourself to sell at the same time!). Personally, I suggest approaching a supervisor over you or over the goals, explain the dilemma, make a suggestion, then ask for help or ask for the goal to be adjusted to match the number of workers/effort being put toward the goal... Or some variation of this that makes more sense with any additional product/organizational knowledge you have...

auntstephie321

@knit it all boils down to me. I run the office so if I don't do it or won't get done. I've been training him all year but he's not running with it like he should. Since its now Sept I have to take it on fully, I have put him in charge of scheduling appointments for me, but the stress of doing it all is just getting to me this year more than normal, and earlier than usual. At this point I can't hire and train someone else because it would take to much of my time. I just need to find a way to stay motivated without feeling panicked.

KnitOrMiss

Sounds like time to map it out and figure out how to make it possible! And to kick his butt into gear!!!