Is it better to honest up front or later on?
raige123
Posts: 352
Before everyone jumps on me .. hear me out. I am honest to a fault ... I hate lying to people and don't do it well. But when it comes to dating, I am being friendzoned all the time because I'm being my true self ... which is a tomboy ... I watch sports ... I yell at the tv during games ... I've been told this is intimidating. That talking sports with a guy and being able to keep up on the conversation ... as much as guys say this would be awesome to find, makes guys friendzone me because they start to see me as one of the guys.
So my question is, when meeting someone new, should I be who I am upfront, or almost really tone down my true self until a guy gets to know me.
So my question is, when meeting someone new, should I be who I am upfront, or almost really tone down my true self until a guy gets to know me.
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Replies
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Always be yourself. If you act like someone else, then that is what they expect.0
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I agree. Be you. The right guy will like you for that.0
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^ What both of them said.
I am who I am. I am not going to change myself for anyone.0 -
Do you know how many times I've heard women say you have to act dumb to get a guy because smart girls are too intimidating?
Same thing. I wouldn't want to be with the guy who didn't want an intelligent woman. And there are plenty of them out there who love intelligence in a woman.0 -
It's not so much changing who I am ... just should I tone it down ... like do anything but go out to watch the game during the 1st few dates and avoid the topic of sports.0
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It's not so much changing who I am ... just should I tone it down ... like do anything but go out to watch the game during the 1st few dates and avoid the topic of sports.
Why would you want to force yourself to behave a certain way? Maybe it's because I've gone on a dating hiatus for more than a year but it's been eye opening. I behave how I behave. I am who I am. I forgot about all the games and rules dating requires. ACK! :sick:0 -
It's not so much changing who I am ... just should I tone it down ... like do anything but go out to watch the game during the 1st few dates and avoid the topic of sports.
Why would you want to force yourself to behave a certain way? Maybe it's because I've gone on a dating hiatus for more than a year but it's been eye opening. I behave how I behave. I am who I am. I forgot about all the games and rules dating requires. ACK! :sick:
Because I'm sick of being friendzoned for being who I am.0 -
Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.0
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The only reason guys are friendzoning you is because they aren't attracted to you. They will make up excuses like you are too much into sports so they don't have to tell you that. So be you and someone will come along that shares your enthusiasm. I have had plenty of guys tell me my love of sports is what first drew them to me.0
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It's not so much changing who I am ... just should I tone it down ... like do anything but go out to watch the game during the 1st few dates and avoid the topic of sports.
Why would you want to force yourself to behave a certain way? Maybe it's because I've gone on a dating hiatus for more than a year but it's been eye opening. I behave how I behave. I am who I am. I forgot about all the games and rules dating requires. ACK! :sick:
Because I'm sick of being friendzoned for being who I am.
Sounds like to me like you might be looking for love in all the wrong places.
*resisting urge to type that out in the Eddie Murphy/Buckwheat version*0 -
Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.0 -
Here are two conflicting thoughts: 1) Be true to yourself. 2) Insanity is doing the same thing over and over and expecting the result to change.
I have no idea which cliche is appropriate to your situation. It's easy to say that the problem is XXX. I shouldn't do that. It doesn't really mean that XXX is the problem. Usually someone is in the friend category or the relationship category based on whether you can see yourself having sex with that person. That can be a) I'd like to have sex with him/her but I don't think he/she is interested in sex with me, b) I think he/she is interested in sex with me but I am not interested in sex with him/her, c) neither of us is interessted in sex with the other.
From a male perspective I've never had a problem with a woman who is into sports. I, like most men, have said (and meant) it would be nice if my girlfriend was more interested in sports. That is not the same as saying, "It would be nice if my girl was overly manly in her enthusiasm for sports." I'm not sure how to make the distinction but I can be attracted to a woman who knows the rules and which teams/players are good or even about strategy. I have a hard time seeing a woman being attractive if she is yelling "suck it!" or otherwise acting manly and confrontational during sporting events. I guess the distinction is that there is a distinction between doing things that are tpically considered the male domain versus doing things in a masculine way.
There is a difference in how guys behave and bond with their male friends and how they bond with potential partners. If you choose to make changes, be sure the problem is sports and not how you are presenting yourself during sports.
Edit: I am sort of assuming that you may be over exxagerating your behavior towards sports when you are meeting these guys who are friend zoning you. That may be your problem. You come across as too much of one of the guys not that you like sports too much. Under no circumstances should you do a 180 on your personailty hoping to attract someone.0 -
^ exactly! Balance is key.0
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The only reason guys are friendzoning you is because they aren't attracted to you. They will make up excuses like you are too much into sports so they don't have to tell you that. So be you and someone will come along that shares your enthusiasm. I have had plenty of guys tell me my love of sports is what first drew them to me.
Be you. Do not be afraid. The right guy will come along. I'm into sports a bit, mainly soccer, but I am a major sci-fi/fantasy geek. Star Wars, Star Trek, etc etc. I love that kind of stuff and I know plenty of women out there that would be turned off by it and would probably "friendzone" me, and that's ok. I know there's plenty of girls that are into those kind of things I am and I would hate to miss out on a opportunity to meet one because I hid that side of me.0 -
Wait ... Are you wearing hoodies on dates??? No! Dress up a bit, make yourself pretty. If you've been going out a while, that's fine. But the first few dates you should make an effort on your physical appearance.Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.0 -
Wait ... Are you wearing hoodies on dates??? No! Dress up a bit, make yourself pretty. If you've been going out a while, that's fine. But the first few dates you should make an effort on your physical appearance.Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.
In another thread she had asked if men would talk to a girl wearing a hoodie at a bar. I think they might but then if you're screaming at a tv about a game? Probably not I'd assume.0 -
Ah. Yeah, probably not. I've been approached in all sorts of clothing, but I don't scream at the TV watching sports.
Wait ... Are you wearing hoodies on dates??? No! Dress up a bit, make yourself pretty. If you've been going out a while, that's fine. But the first few dates you should make an effort on your physical appearance.Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.
In another thread she had asked if men would talk to a girl wearing a hoodie at a bar. I think they might but then if you're screaming at a tv about a game? Probably not I'd assume.0 -
Ah. Yeah, probably not. I've been approached in all sorts of clothing, but I don't scream at the TV watching sports.
Wait ... Are you wearing hoodies on dates??? No! Dress up a bit, make yourself pretty. If you've been going out a while, that's fine. But the first few dates you should make an effort on your physical appearance.Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.
In another thread she had asked if men would talk to a girl wearing a hoodie at a bar. I think they might but then if you're screaming at a tv about a game? Probably not I'd assume.
That's kind of the point of this post. Do I stop being me ... tone who I am down to a whole new level ... just to keep a guys attention? Everyone says to be yourself, and then it's becoming "oh dear God change". And I know the comment wasn't meant to insult, but I feel less than pretty being told I'm being friendzoned because guys aren't attracted to me. I'm actually sad over this because EVERY guy friendzones me so I am apparently not attractive.
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You're very pretty, actually. I think maybe if you have a particularly strong personality, you might want to ease a guy into it. But still be you. You kind of have to walk a line.
Ah. Yeah, probably not. I've been approached in all sorts of clothing, but I don't scream at the TV watching sports.
Wait ... Are you wearing hoodies on dates??? No! Dress up a bit, make yourself pretty. If you've been going out a while, that's fine. But the first few dates you should make an effort on your physical appearance.Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.
In another thread she had asked if men would talk to a girl wearing a hoodie at a bar. I think they might but then if you're screaming at a tv about a game? Probably not I'd assume.
That's kind of the point of this post. Do I stop being me ... tone who I am down to a whole new level ... just to keep a guys attention? Everyone says to be yourself, and then it's becoming "oh dear God change". And I know the comment wasn't meant to insult, but I feel less than pretty being told I'm being friendzoned because guys aren't attracted to me. I'm actually sad over this because EVERY guy friendzones me so I am apparently not attractive.
But on a first date, dress up, wear a little makeup, flirt. That doesn't mean you can't talk about sports.
And if you want to be approached in a bar, it's not going to happen if you're screaming and swearing. That scares pretty much anyone! lol0 -
Ah. Yeah, probably not. I've been approached in all sorts of clothing, but I don't scream at the TV watching sports.
Wait ... Are you wearing hoodies on dates??? No! Dress up a bit, make yourself pretty. If you've been going out a while, that's fine. But the first few dates you should make an effort on your physical appearance.Don't change who you are or what you like for a guy. But, perhaps you could consider some new strategies for meeting like-minded guys. If sports is your "thing", why not go on a message board for your favorite team or try meetup.com to find people to watch games with, or just go to more sporting events in person? I think it will be less intimidating if a guy knows this is who you are from the start if that makes sense.
That is a good point.
I think if you are genuine it is all good. It's when you pretend to like something to impress someone that is stupid.
May I also suggest balancing this trait with "feminine" traits as well. In the other thread you mentioned you wear hoodies. Maybe try a fitted hoodie or a closer-cut team tee-shirt...just not the pink ones that all sports teams seem to think that women like lol. Add in a cute pair of earrings or tight jeans.
In another thread she had asked if men would talk to a girl wearing a hoodie at a bar. I think they might but then if you're screaming at a tv about a game? Probably not I'd assume.
That's kind of the point of this post. Do I stop being me ... tone who I am down to a whole new level ... just to keep a guys attention? Everyone says to be yourself, and then it's becoming "oh dear God change". And I know the comment wasn't meant to insult, but I feel less than pretty being told I'm being friendzoned because guys aren't attracted to me. I'm actually sad over this because EVERY guy friendzones me so I am apparently not attractive.
Be yourself to a certain degree.
You know how when you meet people you get to know them and because you like them, you accept all of the person even the parts you don't necessarily like? You can't be 100% honest when you're getting to know someone. We all put on "fronts" that we gradually reduce once we trust. Not saying that your situation is like a big secret but I would tone it down until you get to know a man. Now that does not mean saying "I don't like sports." It means quietly watching a game not getting overly emotional.0 -
I have found that when a guy is friendzoning me it's because he forgets that I'm a woman. Instead of toning down my tomboy attitude I show my cleavage and tell him we should have sex sometime.
Seems to work.0 -
I dont think it's the sports per se.
You're very attractive!!!
I think it's probably something you're not thinking about. Is there a close guy friend that you could ask. Someone that knows you. Or indeed has friendzoned you?
It may just be that you dont give off the 'sex' vibe!! Perhaps it's shyness, or lack of flirty-ness, or lack of confidence or you may even be over friendly!!
I dont know you well enough to even begin to comment on your personality.........but in my experience being interested in sports is quite a turn on for some guys :bigsmile: (the one's that are into it themselves!!)0 -
I think you are desexualizing yourself. You are making yourself into one of the boys not a girl that likes some guy stuff.
If you are watching a game at a bar wearing something like this
or
It doesn't scream sex but a guy would know you were a girl and wouldn't be outside your normal hoodie outfits.0 -
It may just be that you dont give off the 'sex' vibe!! Perhaps it's shyness, or lack of flirty-ness, or lack of confidence or you may even be over friendly!!
Yes, this.
There could be any number of reasons why a guy friendzones you, and you may never find out.
But haha this weekend I rocked the whole "shyness" thing. Sometimes I think some men like to see if you're shy and can open up some with them...it's like a challenge.0 -
It may just be that you dont give off the 'sex' vibe!! Perhaps it's shyness, or lack of flirty-ness, or lack of confidence or you may even be over friendly!!
I'm definitely shy ... and not very confident.0 -
It may just be that you dont give off the 'sex' vibe!! Perhaps it's shyness, or lack of flirty-ness, or lack of confidence or you may even be over friendly!!
I'm definitely shy ... and not very confident.
For what it's worth you are very cute! I always wish I could pull off the cool hipster glasses in your profile pic.0 -
It may just be that you dont give off the 'sex' vibe!! Perhaps it's shyness, or lack of flirty-ness, or lack of confidence or you may even be over friendly!!
I'm definitely shy ... and not very confident.
For what it's worth you are very cute! I always wish I could pull off the cool hipster glasses in your profile pic.
Thanks! They are my favorite play glasses. It's my secret identity lol.0 -
I think mystery is super sexy. My issue isn't being a tomboy but I have a very strong personality. I'm a huge goofball. I'm usually the one making jokes and life of the party because I'm loud and "wild". And I don't have a problem attracting men but I don't think guys want to take the loud wild girl home to meet mama. So I tone it down a bit in the beginning then unfold.
When I first started dating my current bf, I was myself as far as I wasn't trying to be someone else. But I just left his place about an hr ago and the way I behaved with him, would be no way I behaved with him in the beginning. Ive grown to trust him and feel comfortable around him so I'm 100% myself with him.
So I say, be mysterious. Talk about your interests but don't give it all away. Be yourself but if something isn't working, change the technique!0 -
you're acting too much like one of the guys, this is why you're being FZ more than likely.
just like women tend to FZ guy who act too much like a girlfriend, the same thing happens with guys. just like straight girls don't want want to do the wild monkey dance with one of their girl friends, straight guys arent going to be sexually attracted to their guy friends.
nothing wrong with being a tomboy you just need to a) be flirty b)stop hanging with dudes you are romantically interested in as if you are buds. like tube socks says you have to be a bit mysterious and that naturally happens when you dont act like you're always available for hanging out0 -
I don't friendzone the girls who do *kitten* to me. I am never rude in the face of a client.
So yeah. Be friendly with your friends, flirty with your flirts, sexual with the people you want to have sex with. And employable with your employers, professional in your profession, admirable for your admirers, etc.
You can be honest and flirty, as much as you can be honest and professional.
It's just about "communicating" in a way appropriate for the context in which you are (most likely depending on the "receiver", your listener).
One thing I have noted here and there is that people seem to be more willing to prepare/work/compromise for their jobs than for their relationships. I don't think that's too fair or too smart, especially in the early phases when a lot is about "presenting yourself" (this is valid for both work and relationships). But I digress...
Also what Missing Minesotta said seems sound.0
