Spouses

id love to see how other families are handling the life style changes. My husband is a large man, but he didn't choose to take this journey with me. He is supportive and helpful, but I can tell that he is holding back. From the bit that he'll discuss, it seems that he is very scared that he'll be pressured into dieting. I fear that he is trying to rebel against something that isn't really a threat and will end up hurting himself by "proving" that he isn't on a diet by overeating. He added probably 1500 cals a day just before my surgery (mostly in mt dew)!

In an odd twist, he keeps telling people that he lost 45 lbs with me. In actuality, he lost that two years ago after changing jobs. He got depressed and put that weight on quickly, and it came right off as soon as he started his new job.

I don't want him to feel like he is gonna get pulled into a direction that he doesn't want to go, because I'm not going to leave him if he doesn't. No matter what I say and do, I know that he needs to come to peace with things on his own.

Any ideas out there on how to boost a spouses comfort level would be appreciated. Anyone have a spouse who chose to stay with an unhealthy lifestyle?

Replies

MrsDreamer1974

I know what your talking about. My husband has been super supportive through this whole thing, he even took great care of me in the hospital. But he did actually say something the other day that kind of got to me, He said in a " Joke " manner but I took it serious. He laughed and asked me if I'm going to leave him when I get skinny. My husband is a larger man as well, and all I said was that I love him more then words can say. I have noticed that he is eating more junk food now then he ever did. My husband is diabetic and has high blood pressure and I sure wish he would change his eating habits, not for looks but for health. However I don't think I would ever just come out and say it. I'm still learning as you are..so if you find out what will help please share :-) I just keep letting him know how much I love him, and that I could not do this without him. He did hit panic mode when the scale said I weigh less then him, I just told him women are supposed to weigh less..didn't know what else to say.

AngieViolet

Lol I think our husbands are related! My husband and I have had these same conversations. It made him feel a bit comfortable when we weighed the same. Now I'm about 90lbs less than him, and he struggles with that. Thank you for sharing, it has really helped me not to feel alone in this struggle !

grim_traveller

Nothing good ever comes from having a spouse. Your friends should have stopped you before it was too late.

cabennett99

My wife has been very supportive, and super helpful in providing healthy meals. That said, the realty of me now being essentially "normal" and she being the heavier partner is not something she really anticipated, and it's been tough on her despite my reassurances. We'll be o.k., but it's a mental adjustment for her as much as it's been for me.

MrsDreamer1974

It is a big adjustment for both of us, I just keep letting my husband know how much I love him :-)

Cheryl188

I've had this conversation with my husband multiple times. I know he fears I'll lose weight and leave him. I know things will change between us, but my goal is to change for the better. My hubby is thin and active and I can't participate the things he likes (kayaking, biking, hiking) because of my size.

AngieViolet

My husband is slowly coming closer. He started talking a bit more about his fears and concerns. I'm praying that this time of change will pull us closer together and a lot of fun. He enjoyed helping to care for me today. I am pretty stubbornly Independant, but needed his help a bit today. He even brought up changing his eating patterns today (while drinking mt. Dew). It is progress, and I'll take it! Thank you all for letting me know that what I'm going through if normal. It's nice not to feel alone.

grim lmao...I feel that way too from time to time

ki4eld

Hubby flat told me he wouldn't change anything. He was still going to eat however he wanted. I told him that was fine, because he's a grown man.

A year later, he's eating keto and down almost 30lbs. But he had to want it. I just waited until his brain out-thought his fear.

dragonflies6

I have been overweight for most of my adult life. I met my husband in high school and after kids we actually started gaining weight together. We've dieted and exercised together but also went back to old habits together. When I finally decided to go thru with surgery, he decided to do it with me. I had gone thru classes alone several years ago but backed out of actual surgery at that time. He had his surgery at the end of August and I had mine at the beginning of October. He works part time and I work a full time job and a part time job so my struggle is finding time to consistently work out. I hear it from him almost daily about how I need to work out and how much he works out. He has lost almost 90 lbs and of course my loss is slower. And if you ask him why he had the surgery he says he only did it for me, although I never asked him or said I'd feel different about him if he didn't. I want to exercise but I'm a nurse working 2 jobs, have a family and working on my masters, I already have a hard time finding the time and having the energy and when he makes his comments then I shut down and really don't want to at that point. It's very frustrating

AngieViolet

Ki4eld - that is wonderful news! I hope that my husband chooses to follow up on the thoughts that he's having right now, but I'm working hard not to push him so I don't confirm his fear of being pressured!

Dragonflies6 - how cool would it be to go through this process side by side with a spouse!! That is some awesome support! I'm sorry that the exercise and time to do so has caused some friction. Maybe your hubby can take over one of your daily responsibilities in order to allow you exercise time. Sounds like you have a LOT on your plate!!! I too tend to shutdown if I feel pushed too much!

anbrdr

grim_traveller wrote: »

Nothing good ever comes from having a spouse. Your friends should have stopped you before it was too late.

Fan-tastic, QFT!!

pawoodhull

My husband has been super supportive. He will exercise with me and he cooks our dinner meal most days because my hours are opposit his and if he wants to eat before work, he can't wait for me to get home and cook. He cooks to my needs, but since he's really more of a meat and potatoes kind of guy, this works for him. We just make it meat and veggies instead. However, he personally does not follow my eating program and that's never been an issue. He has high cholesterol and heart problems, but he's an adult and can chose to eat his heart healthy diet or not. Most of the time it's not and he's gained about 40 pounds since I've had my surgery. Again, no judgments from me. For all the years I weighed more than he did and he never judged, it's now my turn.

lenac87

My husband is supportive, but has not made any changes in his habits. This can make things frustrating sometimes. He loves to eat out and eat fast food, and if I'm home I'll go with him and try to make a good choice, but it would be so much easier if he would commit to eating healthier too. He is also not very active, but he doesn't mind when I go to my boxing classes or to the gym. I know that I can't make him change, he would have to decide that for himself, so we just kind of do our own thing most of the time

charmainemonk

I am just now in the process of meeting all the requirements to get my insurance to pay for my surgery and almost in the same 3min of mentioning it to my boyfriend he was like,... are you going to leave me? I'm like OMG! Way to add stress to an already huge event. He mentions it frequently. He will say "when you are skinny you are going to find someone who can keep up with you and go hiking" . I feel horrible, I don't want him to feel threatened. It also pisses me off too though HAHA. Has getting surgery ruined anyone's relationship, with a spouse, boy/girl-friend or close friend? Is there anything I can do to make this easier on others?

ki4eld

charmainemonk wrote: »

<snip>Has getting surgery ruined anyone's relationship, with a spouse, boy/girl-friend or close friend? Is there anything I can do to make this easier on others?

I'm sure it's happened, but the fact remains is that you can't stop your forward progress because someone else is scared. That's not a healthy relationship. Assure him you love him and keep moving forward with your life. He'll either keep up (and I don't mean physically, but emotionally) or he won't. But it's on him, not on you.

AngieViolet

It is a huge life change for us, but a terrifying one for those on the sidelines. I make a conscious effort everyday to reassure my husband and make him feel more secure. I can't change him, but perhaps I can inspire him. I feel the wheels turning...he is thinking a bit about choices. The difficult thing is that he eats in QUANTITY. I don't think that he's realized that he is eating in response to stress and the fear that I'm gonna try to change him. In the long run, I will be here. If he chooses not to be, I will be sad, but I can't control that. I don't slow my progress, but I do make time for doing some things that we used to enjoy together. Yesterday he made eggs and hash, and when I asked for a tiny bite because it is something that I can have now, it seemed to make him very comfortable. It has been months since I've been able to eat something that he has eaten. That little jesture meant a lot to him. On Saturday evenings, we rotate activities. One Saturday we will hang out at home and watch movies (I just make sure to do my exercise early), and the opposite Saturday's, we do some kind of an activity. It is give and take, but I can't control him or let him slow me down, so I plan time for him. Fingers crossed that he starts moving in a healthier direction though lol....

sinderstorm

Something that the psychologist said to me at my mental health screen pre-surgery was "This surgery will change your relationships with yourself, your family, and with food. Some of those changes will be positive, and others may be negative. Usually, your strong, healthy relationships will become stronger, but those less healthy relationships may deteriorate".

It is a huge mental and emotional journey, and one that so far *knock on wood* my husband and I have weathered pretty well. He's been a great support, but has never personally struggled with his weight- he still wears the same jean size he did when we met when he was 19, 17 years ago. But it has taken lots of communication, understanding, and compromise to keep us on an even keel.

cmchandler74

It really is interesting to see how spouses react. In some ways, my husband has changed the WAY he eats (he's eating healthier foods with me), but he hasn't changed the volume of food he's eating, which is a problem. That said, I have a coworker who had a sleeve a little over a year ago and his husband (another coworker) ended up losing weight along with him because he was self-conscious about the amount of food he was eating in comparison.

RhiannonBecks

While I didn't know my (future) spouse prior to surgery 10 yrs ago, he is well aware and very supportive. I do the cooking, so he basically eats what he is given. He makes his choices outside of the home whether they are "good" or "bad", but in regards to home, he is very supportive. I just bought some groceries the other day that he thinks may be "questionable in taste", lol, but he responds pretty openly and says, ok, lets see how this taste. Someone mentioned that you cant let someone else's fear hold you back, and I think that it spot on. I'm assuming you didn't eat or make habits prior to surgery to please someone else, why do it now!

sinderstorm

Rhiannon0816 wrote: »

While I didn't know my (future) spouse prior to surgery 10 yrs ago, he is well aware and very supportive. I do the cooking, so he basically eats what he is given. He makes his choices outside of the home whether they are "good" or "bad", but in regards to home, he is very supportive. I just bought some groceries the other day that he thinks may be "questionable in taste", lol, but he responds pretty openly and says, ok, lets see how this taste. Someone mentioned that you cant let someone else's fear hold you back, and I think that it spot on. I'm assuming you didn't eat or make habits prior to surgery to please someone else, why do it now!

There is some truth to finding people to be open minded. My husband and my 5 year old twin have been stretched this year into trying new (healthier) foods, and they actually like them! Yes, it means me making more of an effort in cooking, but we've added new grains, veggies, and dishes to our rotation that a year ago everyone would have laughed at me for attempting. A year ago I would have laughed at my kids enjoying fish or quinoa happily, but it is happening in my house. baby steps, baby steps, baby steps.

Tawnykakers1

I have one of those husbands that can eat anything and not gain a pound! Errrrr! Then again he is an ironworker so he burns an amazing amount of calories a day. I used to tell him I'm gonna become an ironworker so I can eat like him. When I told him about the surgery he was very concerned about how drastic it seemed to him. He came to a class and read through the booklet they gave me. He made me laugh the day he told me "I guess this surgery is a better option than you becoming an ironworker" He has been very supportive. He has actually tried many healthy recipes I have made and liked some. I wont force him to eat healthy but I just say would you like to try it or should I make you a burger(his go to food). When I make family meals I just tweek it a little to make it a bit healthier. In the long run its better for everyone. We also need to remember as we change the people around us also change. Keep an open dialog and be understanding of each other.

charmainemonk

I thank everyone for their insights.