People treat me differently with the weight gone...
JudiMoving2
Posts: 77 Member
The good and the bad of weight loss.
It has been 9 months since the surgery, and I am down over 100 pounds. Obviously my transition is notable to those whom I see on a daily basis. I work in an office with a team of men (10), we are all around the 50 year old mark give or take 8 years. As a team we all work very well together, and even enjoy the occasional team get together after work when a project is doing well or bad. Pre-surgery I was invited out and treated like one of the guys, even if talk got raunchy it didn't matter. I am single, but in a dedicated relationship, and they all know this. After the surgery, the men began to notice the weight dropping, and I felt obliged to fill them in on what I did. I received many compliments within the first 3/4 months. Then the compliments turned to, "Wow! You look so different!" Today it is turning into avoidance. This probably sounds paranoid, but it seems that I am no longer one of the gang. I have become this female who works among them. Recently I discovered the guys went out for the monthly afterwork outing but didn't invite me. They gave several lame reasons why such as, "oh we didn't see you here that day". This invite is normally sent out days earlier on email. Have I become a female suddenly in the eyes of these men, who before I was just a fat blob who buddied around with them? I must admit this is not true for all the men, but I do see a difference in ones that I considered friends. Our occasional casual conversation about family or activities outside of work has turned to more of work only conversation. This is the bad side.
There is a good side too! I rejoined the community water aerobics class which I have done for the last three years. It is a great means of exercise during the cold winter months here in Wisconsin. Many of the same ladies are part of this group year round, and since I normally attend only for the early spring session I was kind of an outsider to the group. I wasn't the only outsider, but you could see people came with friends to the class. Last Monday was the first time attending since the weight loss. As I started the class, I had several ladies actually come up to me and compliment my swimming suit, asking me what I do for a living, if I live in the area, etc. All normal basic conversation starters, and I enjoyed it! I made new friends from the same people who before would only be polite and nice upon opening conversations and go back to their other friends. It was so different this time. As much as I would like to say that due to weight loss I am more open to meet people, it simply isn't true. I have always been an extrovert and a people person.
So my sociological weight loss experiment is underway. I look forward to seeing what other new experiences I will have as I become a more acceptable person to the world, and where else I may become a threat to others. Have you had any similar experiences?
It has been 9 months since the surgery, and I am down over 100 pounds. Obviously my transition is notable to those whom I see on a daily basis. I work in an office with a team of men (10), we are all around the 50 year old mark give or take 8 years. As a team we all work very well together, and even enjoy the occasional team get together after work when a project is doing well or bad. Pre-surgery I was invited out and treated like one of the guys, even if talk got raunchy it didn't matter. I am single, but in a dedicated relationship, and they all know this. After the surgery, the men began to notice the weight dropping, and I felt obliged to fill them in on what I did. I received many compliments within the first 3/4 months. Then the compliments turned to, "Wow! You look so different!" Today it is turning into avoidance. This probably sounds paranoid, but it seems that I am no longer one of the gang. I have become this female who works among them. Recently I discovered the guys went out for the monthly afterwork outing but didn't invite me. They gave several lame reasons why such as, "oh we didn't see you here that day". This invite is normally sent out days earlier on email. Have I become a female suddenly in the eyes of these men, who before I was just a fat blob who buddied around with them? I must admit this is not true for all the men, but I do see a difference in ones that I considered friends. Our occasional casual conversation about family or activities outside of work has turned to more of work only conversation. This is the bad side.
There is a good side too! I rejoined the community water aerobics class which I have done for the last three years. It is a great means of exercise during the cold winter months here in Wisconsin. Many of the same ladies are part of this group year round, and since I normally attend only for the early spring session I was kind of an outsider to the group. I wasn't the only outsider, but you could see people came with friends to the class. Last Monday was the first time attending since the weight loss. As I started the class, I had several ladies actually come up to me and compliment my swimming suit, asking me what I do for a living, if I live in the area, etc. All normal basic conversation starters, and I enjoyed it! I made new friends from the same people who before would only be polite and nice upon opening conversations and go back to their other friends. It was so different this time. As much as I would like to say that due to weight loss I am more open to meet people, it simply isn't true. I have always been an extrovert and a people person.
So my sociological weight loss experiment is underway. I look forward to seeing what other new experiences I will have as I become a more acceptable person to the world, and where else I may become a threat to others. Have you had any similar experiences?
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Hmmmm.... interesting observations, especially concerning your work buddies. Is there one that you're close enough with that you could ask what's up?
I was thinking about this a lot yesterday after reading your post, mostly because I honestly expected more of this to happen to me once I started losing weight but I haven't seen a huge difference as of yet. I had a conversation with a friend's mom who had RNY about 15 years ago and she said I'll definitely be able to notice as more time passes. She said some common things she saw were jealousy from family members, coworkers taking her opinions more seriously, and "friends" who started avoiding her because they assumed she was going to become stuck up once her body changed. She did say it ended up being a pretty accurate measure to suss out who were true friends vs. some toxic people - the true friends pretty much were encouraging but more or less continued the same relationship they had before she lost weight.
My husband and I had a pretty big shakeup when my son was born that did something similar at the time. He was in the NICU for 8 months after he was born, and that experience ended up weeding out true friends vs. people who really couldn't be bothered after the initial "will-he-or-won't-he-live?" stage. I think that experience prepped me pretty well for this one, in that since that happened almost 7 years ago, I haven't really bothered much with keeping people around who like to take, take, take but have nothing to give when you need it most.
At any rate, please keep us posted. I'm really interested to hear what all everyone has experienced.0 -
Thanks for the response to my post *cmchandler*. It really is a social experiment. Thank you for sharing your experience about your son. What a hard thing in life to go through, and yes it would certainly help to weed out who is in it for the long haul.
I must admit when you discussed the jealously of siblings, I experienced that. Not as the one whom jealously was felt upon, but the one whom felt jealous. My sister had her WLS done three years before me. Watching her shrink before my eyes and become a beautiful woman was a bit daunting. I mean I was the thinner sister! So how dare she become the better looking one. Yes, those were my honest feelings. Yet I was able to overcome those, and realize she was still the person I loved. Typical sibling rivalry right? Human nature at it's finest.
So as I go about my days learning the world over again as a thin person, I try to remember that people are not as shallow as I may presume them to be only because now I may be more approachable than I was in the past. Or that because I am thin I can take more liberal views of conversation and not be concerned if people accept my views or not. Reality is that I am still the same conservative person I have always been, and still have empathy and acceptance towards others and how they view the world.
In some ways becoming instantly thin is like becoming famous. Learning how to deal with the new social structure around you.0 -
I notice I'm more outgoing generally. Yesterday I asked a Starbucks barista about the new citrus green tea latte. He said it was controversial; some people liked it others didn't (it's better cold than hot). He ended with "worst case scenario you don't like it and we remake it." I said no, worst case scenario is always AND THEN YOU DIE. At this point the random stranger standing next to me laughing says, "You are one fun lady!" (Did I mention I have dark blue hair, worn very, very short?) I realized that I have more positive energy to deal with people. So more positive interactions. And people return the positive energy. Before surgery I was much more of a shrinking violet. (Which, coincidently, is the next color my hair will be.....)0
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I have noticed that I am a bit more outgoing as well. I guess because my self-confidence in myself is picking up??0
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When I was pushing 400 lbs, I don't think my male coworkers or men in general thought of me as a woman. I don't think I "owned" my femininity then. I felt like a blob, an "it", and maybe they sensed that. The more weight I lost, I felt more like a real person, and the more feminine I felt too. I was ready to own and accept every aspect of me as a person. I came out of my shell, and I think along with changing on the outside, I changed on the inside, and the people around me had to adjust too. I worked in a small office with a team of about 12, (9 men), and fortunately they were all so supportive as I lost weight. They didn't treat me differently, they were actually some of my best cheerleaders. That said, I definitely noticed though that in general, men did treat me differently after I lost weight. They actually acknowledged me and that was different. At first I had some resentment about it, like, I was the same person but just smaller, so why am I more worthy of their attention now? Then I realized, no, I was not the same person at all, on many levels, and they were just responding to who I was at the time.0
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Nicely said.0
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@garber6th - that's exactly it. You hit the nail on the head. It's a self-perpetuating circle. You feel "less-than" when you are fat so you project it out, and consequently people treat you as if you are less-than, which makes you feel less-than. Then you take control, lose weight, do the internal work, and claim your amazing-ness, and others confirm your amazing-ness. (If only we could teach children this!)0
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It is a shame that we project ourselves as not worthy of affection or close friendships, but I agree that most of this is due to self-worth. I've never had a problem making friends because I've always been extremely outgoing. Even so, I did pull back from certain people and situations because of my weight. I have been turned down for multiple promotions throughout the years and I truly believe it was because of my weight. These situations are based on fat-profiling - where people tend to believe because you are fat, you are also lazy. I agree that may be the case for some, but whereas, I was lazy when it came to myself and exercise, I have always been a very hard worker, always on time and never out. I just went through a review with my boss and scored 5's(highest score) on everything except being able to share my work with others (I got a 3, LOL, I'm a control freak). I wish people could just learn to love and respect each other, no matter what we look like, but I don't think that is ever going to happen.0
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I've noticed this as well. My work friends now treat me like a girl instead of one of the guys. I spend a lot of time in IT and suddenly, they're asking me girl stuff. I wasn't a girl at 300lbs? Apparently not. For years, I've been invisible. I think most of us know how that feels. And I liked it. I liked that when they asked me a question, they wanted to know what I thought. Now, they ask me questions so they can visit my desk, so they can treat me like a girl. They've stopped asking me technical questions and now I get "what did you have for dinner?" Ummm, food. I've had more "can we talk over Facetime" asks in the last 3 months than I've ever gotten over 12 years.
It's frustrating as hell. Granted, I won't go back to being fat, but it's a constant battle to remind them that I'm here because I'm the best software QA tech in the country, not because I suddenly have a waistline.
/vent0 -
Before I had my RNY 4 years ago I weighed about 350lbs. My OB/GYN and her nurse practitioner always make it a big issue, and always made verbal digs about my diet, though I'd never discussed it with them. So I was in the their office about 2 years post op. At that point I was around 175lbs (I'm 5'7"). I was there because I had a persistent yeast infection that wasn't going away with OTC meds. I had just come off 2 back to back courses of antibiotics. Which we all know will cause yeast infections. So the nurse practitioner comes in, checks me and proceeds to explain that I was going to keep getting yeast infections until I stopped eating such a sugar and carb filled diet. Really? Post RNY (which she knew) I eat almost no sugar and very little in the area of carbs. But she couldn't seem to see me any differently than she had before. That Dr. and her assistant refused me birth control based on my weight, even after I lost weight. They also refused to even entertain the idea of a hysterectomy despite the fact that I grow strings of fibroid tumors (I've had 11 surgically removed so far and have 3 in my uterus now.) based on weight....even after I lost the weight.
So around 4-5 months later I went in for my annual exam and because I was starting to have some irritating peri-menopause symptoms. My Dr. was unavailable so I saw another Dr. in the practice. He was awesome. So when I met him I weighed around 167lbs and I was training for a 1/2 marathon. That came up in the appointment because my blood pressure was too low to register on an automated machine and because my heart rate freaked out his nurse (my resting heart rate is routinely between around 48-52 beats per minute now). The nurse was recommending admitting me to the hospital and calling a cardiologist. I explained that I felt fine, no dizziness, I'd always had BP on the lower side and that I was a runner. So his impression of me was that I was a fit, middle aged athlete, with a runner's heart rate. He never made my diet or weight an issue in what treatments he would and would not offer. He was perfectly fine prescribing birth control pills, or discussing a hysterectomy since I was growing fibroids again.
I have a tough time believing that those 8lbs made all the difference.
Needless to say, I permanently switched Dr's.0 -
I've noticed the difference as well, and I'm only about 3 months into the process. I do think some of it is my own increased confidence and so on, but that's not all of it. As many people mentioned earlier, all of a sudden people start seeing you as a woman instead of just a fat unattractive blob, and the type of attention you get is dramatically different.0
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Thank you for the feedback! I am feeling so validated! I am at the point in the office that I must wear unfeminine clothes. I also do not want to return to the blob factor, but those men need to remember I have this job because I earned it! I also earned this new figure and should not be ashamed of it.
As I mentioned it is the reality of our social world and I will find a way to push forward.
Thank you everyone. Great comments.0 -
That Dr. and her assistant refused me birth control based on my weight, even after I lost weight. They also refused to even entertain the idea of a hysterectomy despite the fact that I grow strings of fibroid tumors (I've had 11 surgically removed so far and have 3 in my uterus now.) based on weight....even after I lost the weight.
....
Needless to say, I permanently switched Dr's.
Holy cow. That's INSANE. I'm so glad that you changed doctors. What is it with providers who refuse to listen to their patients and/or acknowledge any progress they've made?
I would strongly consider making a complaint against that physician. People like that will get someone killed.0 -
JudiMoving2 wrote: »Thank you for the feedback! I am feeling so validated! I am at the point in the office that I must wear unfeminine clothes. I also do not want to return to the blob factor, but those men need to remember I have this job because I earned it! I also earned this new figure and should not be ashamed of it.
As I mentioned it is the reality of our social world and I will find a way to push forward.
Thank you everyone. Great comments.
I don't think you should have to avoid wearing feminine clothes!!! You did earn your job AND your new figure. If they have issues accepting the new you, they need to sort that out themselves. You should be as fabulous as you want to be on every level every single day. You really do deserve it.0 -
Love this topic! Spot on...I find myself struggling with it too and actually get angry at some of the "girl" attention now. Down over 200+ pounds as others have said I am the same person, I have always been a women - I was in my local convenience store getting coffee the other morning and had someone offer to buy me a cup, it actually ticked me off (so silly in the scheme of things) but old hurts needs to heal...the head stuff is definitely the hardest!0
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joysie1970 wrote: »Love this topic! Spot on...I find myself struggling with it too and actually get angry at some of the "girl" attention now. Down over 200+ pounds as others have said I am the same person, I have always been a women - I was in my local convenience store getting coffee the other morning and had someone offer to buy me a cup, it actually ticked me off (so silly in the scheme of things) but old hurts needs to heal...the head stuff is definitely the hardest!
About once a month or so, I go out with two single female friends to do karaoke. The past three times I've been out, I've been asked to dance. We've been going to this place for like four years. Never once was asked to dance until about three months ago. Same as you - flattering but infuriating in one fail swoop. I'm married, so it's an easy resolve in my head (a simple "no thanks" does the trick) but geez. I am pretty much the same person these guys have seen for the past four years, but now I'm dance-worthy?0 -
dittocmchandler74 wrote: »That Dr. and her assistant refused me birth control based on my weight, even after I lost weight. They also refused to even entertain the idea of a hysterectomy despite the fact that I grow strings of fibroid tumors (I've had 11 surgically removed so far and have 3 in my uterus now.) based on weight....even after I lost the weight.
....
Needless to say, I permanently switched Dr's.
Holy cow. That's INSANE. I'm so glad that you changed doctors. What is it with providers who refuse to listen to their patients and/or acknowledge any progress they've made?
I would strongly consider making a complaint against that physician. People like that will get someone killed.
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cmchandler74 wrote: »About once a month or so, I go out with two single female friends to do karaoke. The past three times I've been out, I've been asked to dance. We've been going to this place for like four years. Never once was asked to dance until about three months ago. Same as you - flattering but infuriating in one fail swoop. I'm married, so it's an easy resolve in my head (a simple "no thanks" does the trick) but geez. I am pretty much the same person these guys have seen for the past four years, but now I'm dance-worthy?
Exactly. I like it, but I don't. Thanks for noticing, but I am more than just a figure. I think it is going to be a learning curve for us. Woman have had to deal with this all the time, I am just learning the game... again...
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Great posts here. Feeling happy and resentful over the same thing happens to me daily. I'm getting over it and look forward to my weight NOT being the one topic everyone wants to talk about when they see me. I'm half the body weight I was a year ago. I'm a thin person now. Get used to it cause I'm here to stay!0
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Great posts here. Feeling happy and resentful over the same thing happens to me daily. I'm getting over it and look forward to my weight NOT being the one topic everyone wants to talk about when they see me. I'm half the body weight I was a year ago. I'm a thin person now. Get used to it cause I'm here to stay!
Well said! I welcome that day too - but part of me still likes to talk about it with others who I think it will help
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