I really need help..
SionnaVeritas
Posts: 5
I used to be overweight. Actually for the majority of my life. I have been through quite a lot and know I always used food as a form of comfort. After being bullied and abused beyond belief for years, I went to extremes. From 16 to 24 years old I went from severe restricting, fasting, extreme exercise, bulimia.. you name it. I went from 180 to 107 pounds.. I am 5'7". Now, I went from 107 to 145 within TWO months. I am terrified. I went from extreme restriction and exercise to binging EVERY DAY for months. It actually started in March 2012.. but the weight really piled on these past two months. I can't stop. I am not talking overeating.. I mean eating packages upon packages of things. I will eat three meals, come home from working 2-10pm and eat king size jumbo bags of m&m's, jars of peanut butter, gallons of ice cream..
I am seriously traumatized. I feel like everyone saw me so small and now I blew up. I must be a complete joke..
I feel incredibly alone. Really needing friends who understand..
I am seriously traumatized. I feel like everyone saw me so small and now I blew up. I must be a complete joke..
I feel incredibly alone. Really needing friends who understand..
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Replies
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What do you think was the trigger for this sudden binge eating? Did you have any particular experience which started this again? It's been said many times that if you starve yourself / overexercise eventually you'll break down. You need to make a lifelong dedication to being healthy. You don't need to exercise tons or eat very little because it's hard to keep that up for a long time. This may be your body telling you that it wants you to eat normally - restrain yourself, but also not go too far. Eliminate the binge trigger foods from your house. Take on a hobby to distract yourself. Though, it's hard to say what you should do without knowing what might be the trigger.
Of course, I'm no expert (this is just personal experience) and I know my opinion isn't worth much, but I felt touched by your story and wanted to say something. There are lots of people going through the same thing, you're not alone!0 -
Here's what I did, and it's working damn well so far:
I just said to myself, "ONE. day. I'll go just ONE day without bingeing." Not restricting, and you probably shouldn't even count calories (although I did). Then, on that same day, get a little bit of moderate exercise. Nothing crazy.
If you can finish out that one day, you'll likely feel really good about yourself. It will make you less likely to binge the next day (or at least that's what happened to me). I told myself, "if you really want to binge, we'll leave Friday open as a binge day." I think one day a week is better than every day, and also when you plan for a binge all week long and it's a really conscious thing, it makes it less enjoyable when the day actually comes.
This is all just from personal experience, but I'd say, give it a shot, it couldn't hurt, and it's better than being where you're currently at. Believe me, I've been there.
Good luck, honey, and if you want to, feel free to add me.0 -
It's weird. I went from just excessively exercising to non stop binging. I don't know why I started doing it. I did it once, and I guess the comfort it gave me.. got me addicted. It seems to be the way I cope with life when I get home late from work. All of my clothes barely fit anymore and I know it's noticeable now. I am so embarrassed..0
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Also, if any of you would like to add me.. I think it will help for me to see other's diaries.. maybe I will get a sense of normal? =/0
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BUMP this is identical to my story.0
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Okay, so I've cleaned up all the empty microwave dinners, cake boxes and granola bar wrappers in my room, tucked a pillow beneath my bloated, taut belly, and am ready to type. I have no lessons, no inspiring pinterest-y quote. Instead, I'm still a wreck, fresh from my latest disaster, and I'm deeply sorry for that. But I want to write this because I want you to know you're not alone.
Sometimes in the middle of my insane bingeing episodes, I feel the better, once-thin part of myself has floated out of my body, is calmly sitting next to me, blowing and filing her pretty nails, wearing her pretty makeup, in her pretty outfits that I would rip the seams out of now, and is saying, "You're beyond help. What are you doing? Do you even know? Bet you can't stop yourself, like you weren't able to yesterday, last week, the week before that. Look at you, shoveling food down your useless piehole, alone, avoiding people, staring so intently at your food like it'll fill you up and this will really be the last time. Last time? I think we both know there is no 'last time.' Look at me- the skinny you. Take a good look because I'm gone now."
Sigh. I don't understand how it spun out of control so quickly, either. I was a thin child, fat teenager, chubby college student, and about two years ago drastically dropped weight to become a sickly, anorexic, severely underweight office worker. My lowest BMI was dangling at 16. From there, scared into eating by amenorrhea, I bounced back in several months to a normal weight- unfortunately, in a very abnormal way. Yes, you guessed it- by binging my heart out.
I've always been a big eater. I believe I could actually qualify for eating competitions. So normal eating? I highly doubt if left to my natural habits I'd hardly know what "normal" is. That said, at this point I've exhausted all possible options. I've tried distracting myself, taking up hobbies, exercising (this was the worst idea, because I'd weave in and out of every bakery and fast food store in between my place and the gym), talking to someone, etc. I've also googled and Youtubed the hell out of Binge-eating disorders, watched documentaries and Lifetime movies, read conventional and unconventional therapy books, blogs, you name it, I've done, seen, or read it.
I wish there was a nice closure to my story, but all there is is me, avoiding people, avoiding mirrors. Tomorrow I know my whole body will swell up from head to toe, my fingers will blow up and the straps of my flip flops will dig into my puffy feet. God, am I sick of this. I don't quite know if MFP is helping or hindering, either. All this talk of BMRs, TDEEs, IIFYM, IF, LC, "cheat days," "refeeds," leptin levels, clean eating, lifting, crossfit. Just.. no. Not what I need right now.0 -
I'm in the same boat. I recently lost a childhood friend to brain cancer and I've been binging non-stop through the pain. Friend request sent.0
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Okay, so I've cleaned up all the empty microwave dinners, cake boxes and granola bar wrappers in my room, tucked a pillow beneath my bloated, taut belly, and am ready to type. I have no lessons, no inspiring pinterest-y quote. Instead, I'm still a wreck, fresh from my latest disaster, and I'm deeply sorry for that. But I want to write this because I want you to know you're not alone.
Sometimes in the middle of my insane bingeing episodes, I feel the better, once-thin part of myself has floated out of my body, is calmly sitting next to me, blowing and filing her pretty nails, wearing her pretty makeup, in her pretty outfits that I would rip the seams out of now, and is saying, "You're beyond help. What are you doing? Do you even know? Bet you can't stop yourself, like you weren't able to yesterday, last week, the week before that. Look at you, shoveling food down your useless piehole, alone, avoiding people, staring so intently at your food like it'll fill you up and this will really be the last time. Last time? I think we both know there is no 'last time.' Look at me- the skinny you. Take a good look because I'm gone now."
Sigh. I don't understand how it spun out of control so quickly, either. I was a thin child, fat teenager, chubby college student, and about two years ago drastically dropped weight to become a sickly, anorexic, severely underweight office worker. My lowest BMI was dangling at 16. From there, scared into eating by amenorrhea, I bounced back in several months to a normal weight- unfortunately, in a very abnormal way. Yes, you guessed it- by binging my heart out.
I've always been a big eater. I believe I could actually qualify for eating competitions. So normal eating? I highly doubt if left to my natural habits I'd hardly know what "normal" is. That said, at this point I've exhausted all possible options. I've tried distracting myself, taking up hobbies, exercising (this was the worst idea, because I'd weave in and out of every bakery and fast food store in between my place and the gym), talking to someone, etc. I've also googled and Youtubed the hell out of Binge-eating disorders, watched documentaries and Lifetime movies, read conventional and unconventional therapy books, blogs, you name it, I've done, seen, or read it.
I wish there was a nice closure to my story, but all there is is me, avoiding people, avoiding mirrors. Tomorrow I know my whole body will swell up from head to toe, my fingers will blow up and the straps of my flip flops will dig into my puffy feet. God, am I sick of this. I don't quite know if MFP is helping or hindering, either. All this talk of BMRs, TDEEs, IIFYM, IF, LC, "cheat days," "refeeds," leptin levels, clean eating, lifting, crossfit. Just.. no. Not what I need right now.
This is me0 -
I very much identify with the OP and others here. The emotions described during a binge, the helplessness, and the shame of knowing that people who knew me when I was skinny, must be shocked to see my having "blown up" or "ballooned" to a certain size.
I think what helps for me is to drink LOTS of water during the binge, so that hopefully you would be physically just too stuffed to keep binging.
I almost ALWAYS binge on processed carbs. Give me some protein snacks then I don't wanna binge. So keep those foods away from the house. The other day I soo wanted to binge but there's nothing to binge on.. so I didn't, coz I couldn't.
Another point which is brought up by another user is to take it ONE DAY at a time. Just today, no need to overwhelm yourself with the rest of your life dieting or eating schedules, just TODAY. This lunch, this dinner, this snack and really slowly and focus on the food you are eating. You can even tell yourself you can have however much you want. Just eat it slowly, savour it, try to descibr the taste with as many adjectives as you can, and between bites ask yourself how you are feeling, emotionally and also what your stomach feels like. Do more internal enquiry and hopefully it will slow down your binges a bit. (coz for me when i binge, i zone out and stuff food into my mouth like a frenzy)0 -
Okay, so I've cleaned up all the empty microwave dinners, cake boxes and granola bar wrappers in my room, tucked a pillow beneath my bloated, taut belly, and am ready to type. I have no lessons, no inspiring pinterest-y quote. Instead, I'm still a wreck, fresh from my latest disaster, and I'm deeply sorry for that. But I want to write this because I want you to know you're not alone.
Sometimes in the middle of my insane bingeing episodes, I feel the better, once-thin part of myself has floated out of my body, is calmly sitting next to me, blowing and filing her pretty nails, wearing her pretty makeup, in her pretty outfits that I would rip the seams out of now, and is saying, "You're beyond help. What are you doing? Do you even know? Bet you can't stop yourself, like you weren't able to yesterday, last week, the week before that. Look at you, shoveling food down your useless piehole, alone, avoiding people, staring so intently at your food like it'll fill you up and this will really be the last time. Last time? I think we both know there is no 'last time.' Look at me- the skinny you. Take a good look because I'm gone now."
Sigh. I don't understand how it spun out of control so quickly, either. I was a thin child, fat teenager, chubby college student, and about two years ago drastically dropped weight to become a sickly, anorexic, severely underweight office worker. My lowest BMI was dangling at 16. From there, scared into eating by amenorrhea, I bounced back in several months to a normal weight- unfortunately, in a very abnormal way. Yes, you guessed it- by binging my heart out.
I've always been a big eater. I believe I could actually qualify for eating competitions. So normal eating? I highly doubt if left to my natural habits I'd hardly know what "normal" is. That said, at this point I've exhausted all possible options. I've tried distracting myself, taking up hobbies, exercising (this was the worst idea, because I'd weave in and out of every bakery and fast food store in between my place and the gym), talking to someone, etc. I've also googled and Youtubed the hell out of Binge-eating disorders, watched documentaries and Lifetime movies, read conventional and unconventional therapy books, blogs, you name it, I've done, seen, or read it.
I wish there was a nice closure to my story, but all there is is me, avoiding people, avoiding mirrors. Tomorrow I know my whole body will swell up from head to toe, my fingers will blow up and the straps of my flip flops will dig into my puffy feet. God, am I sick of this. I don't quite know if MFP is helping or hindering, either. All this talk of BMRs, TDEEs, IIFYM, IF, LC, "cheat days," "refeeds," leptin levels, clean eating, lifting, crossfit. Just.. no. Not what I need right now.
This is me
Yup, I'm there too. And have no idea where to go with this next. I am ashamed, embarrassed, disgusted with myself but still there is that little voice in my head carefully considering what I am going to eat next. And I use the term 'eat' loosely - I struggle to even call this eating. Putting the food into my my mouth is barely a conscious move. While I am glad there are other people suffering too reading your posts and no-one having a solution makes me feel hopeless :-(0 -
I recommend the book "Women, Food and God" by Geneen Roth. This author used to suffer from binge eating too so she gets it. Her book is unlike other "diet books" that just tell you to eat smal meals during the day to prevent binge etc., she actually takes a more emotional approach, which we binge eaters know it's about emotions deep down, but not about feeling full or not (at least for me)0
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Geneen Roths books are brilliant. There are loads of other good ones too. I think there is a thread in the Binge eaters support group on here with books/resources worth checking out. Someone mentioned they didn't know if MFP helps or hinders, I feel that way sometimes too. A lot of my binging is either to stamp down uncomfortable feelings or to get a sense of control (weird huh?!!) because my life is feeling out of control. You are most certainly not alone.
OP - you mentioned you don't know how it all started. A lot of the books I've read mentioned that bingeing starts as a response to losing weight/restrictive eating. It can also be part of a "re-feeding" syndrome that kicks in when anorexics start to eat again. I think for most of us it's a mixture of physiological responses to restrictive eating, psychological issues that we need to deal with and habit. Dissecting out each contributor one day/one binge at a time is tough but it's worth it. I had CBT about 2 years ago for 6 months. I still have times when I go on a week long binge and abscond from MFP.. but usually I am in control. I try to learn something about myself from every slip and then they do get less and less over time.0 -
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