New poster....old lurker

Deem114

Long time lurker, but I believe first time poster...(it's been so long I don't even remember?). I won't say I'm new to either MFP or dieting but you have to start somewhere and I'll consider this my new start. I'm combining MFP and Fitbit to keep me on track and today is day 58 of this 58 day streak from my new start. I apologize in advance for such a long post, but I guess sometimes you just need to come clean, know what I mean?

For once there's no single event or goal in mind on this weight loss journey of mine. No wedding, no reunion, no vacation or carrot on a stick. No humiliating event (other than the day in and day out of stares from seeing someone my size out in everyday life) or drastic medical condition either caused by my weight or looming in sight (thankfully!). I'm just tired of being tired.

I'm 42 years old and my weight keeps me locked in fear from even trying to do things that "normal" sized people take for granted. Any public event leaves me scouring the internet, searching to find if people have posted pictures; hoping to see if the seats there look "sturdy" enough, if they are armless, will I be able to fit here or there. I can't just "call a cab"....I have to make sure it's not a compact vehicle that shows up at my doorstep. I can go on and on, but just wanted to give an example of why it's time for me to just get up and do this for me.

Sooo, the stats. My highest weight that I know of I will just say is 441 or thereabouts. I say this because my scale went to 440 and at my highest point I would just get "ERR". So, ya...out loud, there it is. I had looked into weight loss surgery numerous times and my insurance plan does not cover it and never has...at one point a doctor told me I should just quit my job and find another job that does cover it as if ditching a 10+ year career in my field is something so easily done.

Sorry for such a rambling post but I figured I'd at least get all this out there. I'm trying all sorts of different things and seeing what works for me. I've tried Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, random fads, etc. Now, I'm just trying to put everything I've learned over all these years to use and go with what feels right along with following the macronutrients from MFP to make sure I'm not stupid about it.

Things I already know:

• I do NOT do well with "cheat days" or "cheat meals".
• I do NOT do well with "snack" bars or "dessert" bars (diet-type, nutrisystem, atkins, etc.)
• One chip leads to a bag of chips, it's either all or nothing, therefore nothing (same with cookies, etc.)

I know all these things that make me go off the rails after so many years of going off the rails, that all I'm trying to do is keep pushing forward with what I know is working for me that makes me feel good both physically and mentally.

My last weight logged was 360 from this past week and I'm still going steady, food-wise. I just really need the motivation for the walking. Again, a lot of the stress about walking is actually more of an agoraphobia of "fat woman walking" rather than the walking itself. I did just order a "walking" exercise DVD that I'm going to try so that I have other options than just going around the block/neighborhood. If you made it through this entire post, I applaud you I want to wish all of you the best of success and I will try to start posting now instead of lurking.

HLaR79

Deem14 welcome to the group and dont be sorry for opening up! Every step in our journeys is important!

Hope you find what you need. I am a big fan of the community way of doing things!

17761776

Deem114 wrote: »

Long time lurker, but I believe first time poster...(it's been so long I don't even remember?). I won't say I'm new to either MFP or dieting but you have to start somewhere and I'll consider this my new start. I'm combining MFP and Fitbit to keep me on track and today is day 58 of this 58 day streak from my new start. I apologize in advance for such a long post, but I guess sometimes you just need to come clean, know what I mean?

For once there's no single event or goal in mind on this weight loss journey of mine. No wedding, no reunion, no vacation or carrot on a stick. No humiliating event (other than the day in and day out of stares from seeing someone my size out in everyday life) or drastic medical condition either caused by my weight or looming in sight (thankfully!). I'm just tired of being tired.

I'm 42 years old and my weight keeps me locked in fear from even trying to do things that "normal" sized people take for granted. Any public event leaves me scouring the internet, searching to find if people have posted pictures; hoping to see if the seats there look "sturdy" enough, if they are armless, will I be able to fit here or there. I can't just "call a cab"....I have to make sure it's not a compact vehicle that shows up at my doorstep. I can go on and on, but just wanted to give an example of why it's time for me to just get up and do this for me.

Sooo, the stats. My highest weight that I know of I will just say is 441 or thereabouts. I say this because my scale went to 440 and at my highest point I would just get "ERR". So, ya...out loud, there it is. I had looked into weight loss surgery numerous times and my insurance plan does not cover it and never has...at one point a doctor told me I should just quit my job and find another job that does cover it as if ditching a 10+ year career in my field is something so easily done.

Sorry for such a rambling post but I figured I'd at least get all this out there. I'm trying all sorts of different things and seeing what works for me. I've tried Nutrisystem, Weight Watchers, Jenny Craig, random fads, etc. Now, I'm just trying to put everything I've learned over all these years to use and go with what feels right along with following the macronutrients from MFP to make sure I'm not stupid about it.

Things I already know:

• I do NOT do well with "cheat days" or "cheat meals".
• I do NOT do well with "snack" bars or "dessert" bars (diet-type, nutrisystem, atkins, etc.)
• One chip leads to a bag of chips, it's either all or nothing, therefore nothing (same with cookies, etc.)

I know all these things that make me go off the rails after so many years of going off the rails, that all I'm trying to do is keep pushing forward with what I know is working for me that makes me feel good both physically and mentally.

My last weight logged was 360 from this past week and I'm still going steady, food-wise. I just really need the motivation for the walking. Again, a lot of the stress about walking is actually more of an agoraphobia of "fat woman walking" rather than the walking itself. I did just order a "walking" exercise DVD that I'm going to try so that I have other options than just going around the block/neighborhood. If you made it through this entire post, I applaud you I want to wish all of you the best of success and I will try to start posting now instead of lurking.

I hear n feel your pain! I have lots to lose too so walk the journey with me. Are you seeing a weight therapist, they can help figure out some reasons why u do things. I like the book n used in most ED rehab "don't diet live it workbook" cheap on Amazon. Gayle Minneapolis

Deem114

Thanks for the welcome I'm not currently seeing a weight therapist but my primary care doctor is onboard with my diet and how I'm doing it. He wants to see me every 60 days for lab work and checkups to make sure I stay healthy as I work toward my own goals of more mobility and general well being. Believe it or not, he's actually been a great "cheerleader" for my cause and calls me every couple weeks just to see how things are going and asks if I have any concerns or am facing any issues along the way.

It's an amazingly refreshing change from doctors I've had in the past. For the first time in my life, I don't dread going to the doctor because in the past everything from a cold to a broken wrist somehow always got twisted around to being related to my weight and I always felt worse leaving a doctor's office than I did going in. It's not even about "fat acceptance" because that's not what I ever looked for, it's that not every ailment is always caused by being fat, if that makes sense?

Thanks for that book suggestion Gayle, I'll look into that!

HLaR79

I get that. Once i had an ear infection, my doctor told me it wasnt my ears it was acid reflux cause i was too fat! that was the last time i seen that doctor, my new doctor is awesome
I think that no matter what you do the thing that works best will be the thing you will be consistent with thats why everyone has something that worked best!

bevkidd1

I see a nurse practitioner and I LOVE, LOVE LOVE her. I will stay right where I am. She is so supportive she offered to walk with me to help keep me motivated. I don't really need help right now in that department, but it's the first time any doctor, NP, Anyone in that field has offered to exercise with me. I love that!

I plan on walking some 5k's and invite her, my niece, and some friends from work to walk with me. They have all said they would already so I'm trying to get to that point. I think I need to get orthotics to fix my walking problem though because I have awful ankles/feet but as long as it works I'm fine with that.

WIGirl1970

Your story is my story. I'm just 45. Mega kudos for your post and for your success so far. Looking forward to reading more from you in the future. Keep it going! You're inspirational!!

Cynsonya

Pretty much the same story here. No reason for this go round other than it's time. I've let this get way out of hand. Again. I've lost and regained too many times.

I'll never forget the last time I lost weight (100lbs). My Mom, Aunt, and I went to go horseback riding in Pigeon Forge. The lady took one look at me (289lbs at the time) and said, "You'll need a special horse. That's gonna be an extra $75". I left in tears. No riding that day. I thought gee whiz this lady is afraid I'll kill a horse!

Wish I had kept it off that time but it has a way of creeping back up. I'm so happy to have found MFP this time around. I'll log my food for the rest of my life most likely. 41lbs down. 150 more to go. I never want to have to worry about this again.

Stick with it and come here often for support if having weak moments. We're all here for you and have first hand experience with what you're dealing with.

pnece

@Deem114 - Welcome! Totally get the lurker bit.... I did the same! Glad you've decided to join us! Many of us share a story similar to yours. Congratulations, by the way, on the weight loss you've already had -- looks like about 80 lbs from your highest weight, which is amazing. I'm also thrilled you have a supportive physician!!!!! That's a rare find on planet earth these days.

Deem114

Thank you for the warm welcome everyone! I'm sure we all have similar stories and breaking points and game changers. It's odd that this time around there really wasn't one. I'll just take that as a sign that I'm finally ready for this change. I can't even tell you how many times I've said I'm going to start my diet on X day so I want to make sure I eat this and this and this before I start my diet! None of that happened this time! Not to say that I'll never have another piece of pizza or another bowl of pasta or whatever, but I refuse to call this a diet.

I will say this is the very first time I've used the "social" side of weight loss as a support tool. I've never been one to keep a journal or diary but just writing it down, even if no one reads it, gives me accountability in my actions. But boy, I sure do get wordy!