Breaking A Specific Binge Habit- Need Advice

Moxie42

Sooo for the past 8 years or so, my husband has been gone for about 6 hours twice a month on Saturday nights because of a music group he runs. The problem is every single time I binge. It's gotten to the point where I plan it- what I'll have, how I'll hide buying it, how I'll hide eating/drinking it.

It doesn't matter how well I've done during the week or how focused I am the other 28-29 days of the month, or how much I promise "this time will be different." It doesn't matter if I get rid of all temptations in the house and buy plenty of healthy things to eat instead. Those 2 days I binge to the point of feeling sick.

I'm not entirely sure why I do this but I think it's for a few reasons. It's the only "me" time I have, and honestly, during the week I'm pretty unhappy. On top of the depression and anxiety issues I've always had, my job is miserable and stressful, and it just makes me feel beaten down every day. I think food has become an escape from all that.

Anyway, I really want to stop this. Too often it leads to multiple days of binging, and I'm sick of beating myself up every time it happens. This Saturday is another one of those nights. I don't know what to do to stop myself from doing the same thing I've done for 8 years. And really, even when I was a skinny and extremely weight-obsessed teenager, I STILL binged on the very rare occasions I was home alone.

I've tried so many things...but I end up feeling bitter and angry until I give in...and I give in because I don't want to feel that way during that very-much-needed "me" time. I love having that time at home by myself...but I ruin it with the binges...

I'd love to hear any advice to help me either not do this at all, or find a way to "splurge" a little without it being a full-on binge...I'm not sure which plan is more realistic for someone like me...

Thanks in advance for your help, and sorry this is so long!

Cynsonya

Girls night? I would get the ladies together for a movie or a meal out of the house. Don't be alone. Go out, have a good time, and blow off some steam. Sounds like you need it.

Good Luck!

KnitOrMiss

@Moxie42 For me, that time was always after my daughter went to bed. I was very unhappy in my marriage, but too stubborn to admit it. I agree that connecting in some way with someone else - whether a therapy group or a girls' night would be helpful. Until you address the deepest underlying issues, you're unlikely to actually be able to enjoy your "ME" time...

That being said, depending on your relationship with your husband, it might be time for a confession of sorts. Put yourself on blast. Admit EVERYTHING to him. I did something similar with my ex - back when we were in a lull after my kiddo was born, and I was being tempted by a connection with another man. Removing the mystery and secrecy from the event KILLED THE MAGIC.

Also, long before that night, start focusing on things that make you feel better that aren't food. Do some mindfulness exercises, some coloring (you'd be surprised how relaxing this is), meditation if that's something you enjoy, yoga, pilates, HIIT, a walk around the neighborhood, listen to loud angry rock music while dancing around like a moron in a mosh pit, do a mani/pedi - whether yourself at home or go out, take up knitting, reading a silly romance novel, try a new hairdo and a mud pack, lounge in a bath while sipping wine or champagne, journal, and if you don't want to confess to your hubby, use the thought of your assumed reactions to motivate you to stop doing what you are doing. Imagine you found out your future daughter was doing this - your sister or your mother - think of what you would sit and do and how you would talk with them. Imagine if you found out your husband was doing this to himself - and how you would help him. Your best friend. Etc.

It took me some really dark times and some online friends who really made me think (and honestly, my divorce) to help get me through some of my darkest self pity misery hate-myself mood swings and all that before I could move on and start actually liking myself. I was in my early to mid 30's before I woke up... I got married at 19 to someone who was a friend and never had passion in my life, and then, when he told me he wanted out - it shattered my world, my universe, and I had to face up to a lot. I still struggle, and sometimes I don't even understand why I binge or act self destructively, because I still do...

If your job makes you that miserable, it is sincerely time to find another job - no matter how terrible that seems, no matter how much you need the money, no matter how little options you think you have. Life is too short to have the happiness sucked out of you all the time. Sit down, start working on your resume, realize that no matter how hopeless and impossible things seem, you are the only one with the power to make changes for YOU. If you don't look for a better job, YOU WILL NEVER FIND ONE...

And above all, focus on loving yourself, exactly as you are, flaws and all... (HUGS)

Moxie42

Thanks for the responses! Getting out of the house would help but unfortunately that's not something I can rely on being able to do each time. None of my friends live closer than 2 hours away and most of them are very flaky And in most cases, like this weekend, I have stuff I need to get done at home. Like this weekend is the last chance I have to finish planning a fundraiser- it's something I enjoy doing but my mind finds a way to make food, lots of bad food, part of the night as well. When I do have free time, I tend to read or color (funny you mentioned those!), gardening, and I go through phases of knitting and other hobbies. But with 6 hours to fill, anything I do tends to only hold my mind off for so long.

I'm lucky to have a great relationship with my husband for the most part. I do think he has the same struggles I do though, and he's a bit more in denial...he knows I binge but he tends to kinda minimize the issue by saying things like "it's okay, everyone does sometimes" or "it's not so bad. You usually eat healthy." I think he just doesn't want me to feel bad (and maybe is partially trying to justify it for himself). He has good intentions and is supportive, cooks healthy food, etc...but he's also a 100% believer of willpower. He beat a bad addiction at one point, completely on his own, so he tends to think anyone and everyone can stop "if they really want to."

I'm going to spend some time thinking about what you said- what would I say to my best friend if she were going through this?

I was also thinking of buying some healthy snacks that I really enjoy, like veggies and hummus...and stuff to make a super-amazing salad, full of healthy goodies...that way, if I do give in, I could hopefully stick to healthy stuff. But that almost feels like cheating since the core of the problem is the compulsion to binge...what I eat during a binge determines the physical consequences but not the mental ones...so even binging on celery would not be psychologically healthy in that regard. Or is that a place to start since it's at least an improvement?

I've also been wanting to start writing in my MFP blog...I wonder...if I get the urge to binge, if I write about it first and acknowledge the struggle between what I want short-term versus long-term, maybe that will help me not give in because it will force me stop, think, and then decide. Like quitting smoking and giving the craving 10 minutes to pass before deciding whether or not to light up...so often I'd decide NOT to light up until one day I stopped lighting up entirely.

KnitOrMiss

There is a book I read called "Change Anything: The New Science of Personal Success." I don't remember the authors, but I really loved this book, because it talks about the willpower trap, that willpower is finite, that it WILL fail, and we have to plan accordingly. Every single aspect of commercials and shopping experiences is geared to make us want and crave and compulsively buy/eat things we absolutely don't even want or need. This is down to the music playing in the stores, the arrangement of the aromatic sections, the coloring of the floors and aisles, the advertisements, the colorful packaging, the arrangement of products on the shelves/product pairings, even the price points are all geared up to make us want this, that, the other, more, but 12 instead of 2 to get a price savings, blah blah blah. And that's before you even get to the addictive chemicals and scientific "bliss point" created in certain foods. And no, I'm not minimizing the need for willpower, motivation, determination, support, or whatever. But when you have 42 points of data, input, and chemical stuff working against you, and you have only 3 in your corner, that's not a game or battle you can win, that's a slaughter before you start!!!

So, it looks like you've got some great things to try. Since the alone time and getting things done is something you need to do, one thing I really like to do is get something indulgent or more expensive that's still on my healthy eating plan to use as a treat for myself. Like, I might get some Kerrygold Dubliner cheese, or a smaller block of expensive sharp cheddar, some fancy salami wraps appetizer things, some expensive Green & Black Organic chocolate, or something I wouldn't normally spend as much money on.

The thing I find that always brings me back here is the satiety point. People are like "it's so rich, I can't eat more than X amount." I always look at them like they're speaking a foreign language, because, does that really happen? I might get to a point where my taste buds get overwhelmed, but it's usually 12 servings back from where it registers in my brain. Am I missing a brain chemical? Am I so addicted to the good feeling because I am hard wired to it by a mom who self-rewarded with "seratonin/dopamine" heavy foods when I was younger? That was the reward for good behavior - or the treatment for the doldrums? I tend to think there's some other "normal" piece of DNA that I was just born without!

Although I do have to say that while I am still definitely a food/sugar addict, and that's still hard to admit, since I went low carb/high fat in my diet, I find that I do binge less, and when I do, it's with eyes open. Like, I make myself admit it before I'm doing it, as I'm doing it, and after I'm doing it. So, it's almost like some of the magic is gone because my eyes are open to the process... Does that make sense? But, it doesn't stop it from happening - or from making bad choices for another time period because I denied myself the psychological release of it all... To me, sometimes a binge is like the food equivalent of "cutting," because at least I'm in control of something, then I get into the head space of realizing how insane that sounds, and it creates kind of a mind worm spiral... I tend to find that the deeper I get in the "crazy" side of the process, and admit that it's a part of me, it's just a part of me that's allowed to spend less time in the spotlight, some days it gets a little easier.

(hugs) I think the biggest thing for me was getting to a point where I just accepted it and started refusing to get caught up in the guilt cycle. The whole, "in 20 years, how much will this matter in my daily life?" question is a good one. If I am not going to care in 20 years that I spent a single day and ate more than 25,000 calories and couldn't stop until certain foods were gone and the evidence disposed of completely, and each time it happened, I delved a little deeper into the why's and worked to ease it, will this exact indulgence day really matter in 20 years when I'm winning battles all the time? Etc. And being almost 40, I have the perspective of sitting here and looking back on the stuff that was SO LIFE AFFECTING FREAKING IMPORTANT to my 20 something self, and now I sit here looking back thinking, "Really, Knit? Was it that important that you had to act like a tantrum throwing 3 year old instead of just rolling with it and XYZ?" Then I can laugh and realize what an jerk I was being, and how those things really just don't even matter anymore, and I'm probably the only person who remembers any of it... And knowing that helps me to think that will what I did yesterday really matter to me in 5 years? 10 years? 30 years, if I live that long? Yeah, probably not. My issues aren't tied to one tiny thing...it's the 5,000,000,000 grains of sand that lead me there, not one stinking binge, etc.

So again, I say, (HUGS). Best of luck to you. And yes, I highly suggest blogging when the urge strikes, even if it is just to gain some perspective. Introspection like that is SO worth the time, even why you don't really have it to spare. Promise. You're worth taking the time.

KnitOrMiss

Forgot to add that I would love to see my guy pull the total crap about willpower while contending with the emotional roller coaster that is estrogen/progesterone and estrogen dominance. They've done studies lately, injecting guys and stuff, and giving guys fake periods (just the bleeding, not even the cramps or hormones), and the dudes can just not handle it (at least the ones testing). If they can't handle one single aspect, how can they expect to handle the ten levels of insanity we deal with on a daily basis just being in the chaos of womanhood?

mearas25

Hi @Moxie42 I do the exact same thing when I have the house to myself. I love it, and I've even talked myself into not feeling guilty for it, but I know it has to stop. It's extremely unhealthy.

There's only 3 things that have ever worked for me.

1. I just FORCE myself out to the gym and on the treadmill around 7pm. I get really sweaty and gross and just don't feeling like either stopping for food, or eating much after I've done that. The most I'll stop for is a Booster Juice smoothie whichI'm training my brain to think of as my "new treat".

2. The most effective thing is treating myself- but in other ways. I've had a long week at work and have the house to myself saturday night? I clean my apartment (LOVE having a clean apartment), have a nice shower, do my nails, pick a favourite TV show, light some candles, and crawl into bed early to binge watch for the night. I'll combine this with going online and getting on blogs where I can see other people's progress and distract myself that way. one of my favourites is reddit.com/r/xxfitness or reddit.com/r/progresspics (you can narrow down to see progress pics of people exactly your height which is great to see)!

Infact, I think this will be my plan tonight! We can do it!

Good luck

Moxie42

You guys made some REALLY great points. I'm drowning at work right now and can't address everything but I'm definitely going to try some of those things this weekend. Writing, buying a special treat that I wouldn't normally buy (but is healthy, or at least healthier than one of my go-to binge foods...because I totally have those), and the exercising. That actually reminded me that I'm doing a 5K tomorrow morning! Usually after I work out I do NOT want to eat unhealthily at all, so it'll be interesting to see how long that feeling lasts and see if it'll help keep away those urges. I also found out I'll be pretty much on my own Sunday too. So I can try the quitting smoking method too- "Just today I won't binge. Maybe tomorrow, but not today" and then Sunday I can tell myself the same thing!

Other weekends, if I'm not so busy, I'll try to make plans with friends those nights. Sometimes it's not really what I would prefer to do but it would be worth it if it helps me stay on track, and really- I need to get out in the world more often anyway. I've become a bit of a hermit. And I miss my friends. But I can't fix that situation if I stay home alone every chance I get!

Thanks again for all the tips. I feel much less nervous about this weekend than I usually do, and for the first time I'm planning how to NOT binge instead of simultaneously looking forward to and dreading it!