Cari's online journal
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carimiller7391
Posts: 1,091 Member
Hi there! I'm Cari from Wilmington, DE. Been overweight for the last 23 years of my life and right now.... feel like I've wasted 23 years hiding from people. You see... at 17, I was sexually assaulted by the guy I was dating at the time.. his younger brother. After going through massive amounts of counseling for the assault, I found that I dealt with the assault by gaining weight. Found that people (men and women alike) do not like to be around heavy people. So I pushed everyone away from me by gaining the weight and making sure that I would not get hurt again. In the process, I lost most of my friends (or associates) as true friends would have stuck by me. I never married, never had children, have HUGE trust issues. Have been conned twice by men who swore up and down that they loved me. Both times I had lost weight and just started feeling normal again. (Whatever normal is).
At my highest weight I was 411.5 lbs. At my lowest in my adult life I was 235 lbs (in 2000-2001.) At 235 I met someone and allowed all the bad habits to creep back in and not only gained the 98 lbs I lost to get to 235, but I gained an additional 72 lbs. I wish I could say in 2007 (at my heaviest of 411.5) when I seen the pictures and did not recognize the person I had become that I decided to do something. But I didn't.
It was in June 2008 when I finally decided to start drinking water instead of soda or juice. I cut out some foods and made some substitutions. During the next few months I went from 411.5 lbs to 389 lbs. I tried everything. WW, Southbeach, Atkins, Myfitnesspal to count calories. Never tried Nutrisystem or JennyCraig. Always knew I had to learn how to eat on my own.
In July 2009 I was transferred from Wilmington, DE to Buffalo, NY for work. It was me and my doggie. Talk about rude people; the people in Buffalo were stuck up, rude, downright mean. So I stayed to myself. For 2 years 11 months and 13 days I was all alone. No family or friends. I'd drive home every so often on a weekend just to feel normal. I did join WW when I got to Buffalo. I played with the same 20 lbs for about 3 years. Losing and gaining the same weight over and over again.
When I moved home in July 2012, I felt totally defeated. I had lost everything. I had met a man who I totally fell in love with. Turns out he was a complete con-man. He took me for everything I had. Talk about hurt. I comforted myself with food once again and ballooned up to 385 again.
Over the next 3 years, I joined WW and used the message boards on MFP for extra support. I found the best leader in the world in WW. With Tracey's support, I lost a little bit of weight. I went thru a bout of depression (I'm bipolar and cycle every 3-5 days when normal-Again, what's normal??) so I stopped going to WW. I quit WW about December 2014, rejoined about September 2015. It took me that long to get my head back together and in the game. Or so I thought.
Since September 2015, my father had open heart surgery in October... during the open heart surgery, he had a stroke. His entire right side of his body is very weak still. He is still in cardiac therapy, but that's on hold as last Monday he got up to answer the phone, fell and broke a vertebrae is his neck. The Dr. said luckily the break is straight through and the vertebrae did not move as he is not a candidate for neck surgery due to the heart surgery he had. So right now, he's in a neck brace for 6-10 weeks.
Me, I'm not doing much better. I've seen a spine specialist who determined that my L5/S1 disc is missing. On 06.23.2016 I'm having major back surgery to replace the missing disc and place nuts and bolts in my back to stabilize it. According to the nurse practitioner, I will lose about 6% mobility, which is not bad at all. I've heard the pain for the first 6 weeks is excruciating. Gives me something to look forward to.
Finally, my mom had 7 hernias repaired in April 2015. The hernias have reappeared with a vengeance to the point that not only does she need to have them repaired again, but a plastic surgeon is doing partial repair because the mesh he has is much stronger than the mesh the general surgeon has. My mom's surgery is 07.20.2016.
Can you say when it rains it pours in my family??
I recommitted to WW 05.22.2016. I joined the challenge on MFP to lose 100 lbs in 15 months today at 276.5 lbs, which averages out to about 6.6 lbs a month.
My goals are to lose 5%, 10% and so on 5% at a time until I reach 135-140 lbs.
My short term goals are to track all foods eaten daily in my notebook. I'd keep it on here, but I am a paper and pen person and like being able to write notes on my food journal. Sometimes I keep emotions, times I eat, general info that I just cannot write on the food journals online.
My medium term goals are to have my back surgery and be able to start walking (which is very painful right now) 1-2 miles per day and work up from there. I'm also looking forward to going back to Zumba and hopefully can join a pool and do water exercises. I'd also like to be able to walk up steps without getting winded.
My long term goals are to reach my ultimate weight of 135-140 lbs. Be able to do multiple 5ks a month, bike, hike, swim, camp and live my life and stop being a bystander in my life.
I'm not looking for responses or pity or anything, I just started typing and all these emotions came out of me.
Thanks!!!
At my highest weight I was 411.5 lbs. At my lowest in my adult life I was 235 lbs (in 2000-2001.) At 235 I met someone and allowed all the bad habits to creep back in and not only gained the 98 lbs I lost to get to 235, but I gained an additional 72 lbs. I wish I could say in 2007 (at my heaviest of 411.5) when I seen the pictures and did not recognize the person I had become that I decided to do something. But I didn't.
It was in June 2008 when I finally decided to start drinking water instead of soda or juice. I cut out some foods and made some substitutions. During the next few months I went from 411.5 lbs to 389 lbs. I tried everything. WW, Southbeach, Atkins, Myfitnesspal to count calories. Never tried Nutrisystem or JennyCraig. Always knew I had to learn how to eat on my own.
In July 2009 I was transferred from Wilmington, DE to Buffalo, NY for work. It was me and my doggie. Talk about rude people; the people in Buffalo were stuck up, rude, downright mean. So I stayed to myself. For 2 years 11 months and 13 days I was all alone. No family or friends. I'd drive home every so often on a weekend just to feel normal. I did join WW when I got to Buffalo. I played with the same 20 lbs for about 3 years. Losing and gaining the same weight over and over again.
When I moved home in July 2012, I felt totally defeated. I had lost everything. I had met a man who I totally fell in love with. Turns out he was a complete con-man. He took me for everything I had. Talk about hurt. I comforted myself with food once again and ballooned up to 385 again.
Over the next 3 years, I joined WW and used the message boards on MFP for extra support. I found the best leader in the world in WW. With Tracey's support, I lost a little bit of weight. I went thru a bout of depression (I'm bipolar and cycle every 3-5 days when normal-Again, what's normal??) so I stopped going to WW. I quit WW about December 2014, rejoined about September 2015. It took me that long to get my head back together and in the game. Or so I thought.
Since September 2015, my father had open heart surgery in October... during the open heart surgery, he had a stroke. His entire right side of his body is very weak still. He is still in cardiac therapy, but that's on hold as last Monday he got up to answer the phone, fell and broke a vertebrae is his neck. The Dr. said luckily the break is straight through and the vertebrae did not move as he is not a candidate for neck surgery due to the heart surgery he had. So right now, he's in a neck brace for 6-10 weeks.
Me, I'm not doing much better. I've seen a spine specialist who determined that my L5/S1 disc is missing. On 06.23.2016 I'm having major back surgery to replace the missing disc and place nuts and bolts in my back to stabilize it. According to the nurse practitioner, I will lose about 6% mobility, which is not bad at all. I've heard the pain for the first 6 weeks is excruciating. Gives me something to look forward to.
Finally, my mom had 7 hernias repaired in April 2015. The hernias have reappeared with a vengeance to the point that not only does she need to have them repaired again, but a plastic surgeon is doing partial repair because the mesh he has is much stronger than the mesh the general surgeon has. My mom's surgery is 07.20.2016.
Can you say when it rains it pours in my family??
I recommitted to WW 05.22.2016. I joined the challenge on MFP to lose 100 lbs in 15 months today at 276.5 lbs, which averages out to about 6.6 lbs a month.
My goals are to lose 5%, 10% and so on 5% at a time until I reach 135-140 lbs.
My short term goals are to track all foods eaten daily in my notebook. I'd keep it on here, but I am a paper and pen person and like being able to write notes on my food journal. Sometimes I keep emotions, times I eat, general info that I just cannot write on the food journals online.
My medium term goals are to have my back surgery and be able to start walking (which is very painful right now) 1-2 miles per day and work up from there. I'm also looking forward to going back to Zumba and hopefully can join a pool and do water exercises. I'd also like to be able to walk up steps without getting winded.
My long term goals are to reach my ultimate weight of 135-140 lbs. Be able to do multiple 5ks a month, bike, hike, swim, camp and live my life and stop being a bystander in my life.
I'm not looking for responses or pity or anything, I just started typing and all these emotions came out of me.
Thanks!!!
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Replies
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A page from my paper journal. I'm keeping a paper journal as again, I like being able to include emotions/times/emoticons.
I'm tired !!! I'm tired of being tired, having no energy, being in massive amounts of pain. Tired of looking and feeling like a beached whale. I'm tired of people looking down on me like I am less of a person due to my weight. People thinking it's ok to be mean or rude. IT'S NOT OK!!! I am a person and have feelings also. Comments bother me just like anyone else. Some people believe it is OK to treat me as a sub-human... well that stops today. I'm tired of being the largest person in the room. I'm tired of being starred at or worse..ignored. I'm very tired of the giggles, the laughs, the pointing and I'm past tired of the snide remarks of some. Most of all, I'm past tired of everyone else thinking or believing they know what's best for me. Well guess what???? YOU DON'T. I'm the only one who knows what's best for me.
Finally, I'm tired of being a by-stander in my own life. I'm 43 years old and the last 23 years have been wasted siting on the sidelines. Well NO MORE. I'm going to start living each day like it is my last. Tomorrow is not promised.
I'll add some journal entries as I feel they'll help me in my journey. I journal in my paper journal almost nightly.1 -
Another page from my journal. Originally written on 05.31.2016.
After being back for 10 days, I feel more in control. I joined a challenge on MFP to lose 100lbs in 15 months.... which is a spin off of the 78lbs in 12 months here. Difference being 1.5 lbs a week for 15 months vs 1.5 lbs a week for a year. I've also found a young woman named Sherry. Sherry lives 10 minutes from me. Sherry offered to begin a walking routine with me after surgery. I so appreciated this... you just have no idea..... My 2- BFF's both saying walking with me is beyond them since they are smaller and walk faster. Sherry is also trying to go low carb and I have several low carb cookbooks that I'll be sharing with her.
In addition, I feel a lot stronger this week ans able to speak up when people are being rude to me. Be it comments, looks, giggles, stares..... whatever it is! I know I am better than their negativity. Regardless of my weight, I deserve to be treated with respect. I will no longer disrespect myself or allow others to do so. Regardless of how they attempt to disrespect me. NO MORE AT ALL!!!!!1 -
I'm really looking forward to following you along your journey, you are amazing and quite an inspiration! I suffered from migraines almost every day for several years, so I completely understand how crippling chronic pain is to deal with. I am so impressed with your tenacity and determination! Keep up the progress, I'll be rooting for you!0
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@tcunbeliever Thanks for the kind words. Sorry you suffer with migraines. I know they are debilitating.0
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Week 5 weigh in for me. I'm down 10.6 lbs. Although I restarted, recommitted with a new starting weight on 04/10/16 and I know today isn't exactly 5 weeks out, today was the 5th weigh in for me. I actually didn't go for 3 weeks in May. Between vacation and contemplating quitting weight watchers. BUT, I heard Tracy's voice in my head... she's my WW leader... Do you have an excellent excuse to quit. The answer was NO!!!!! So glad I decided to stick it out.0
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Way to go!
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Your story is inspirational. I think you have the right mindset this time. I can't wait to read about your progress. Remember to love yourself always !!! You are special!!!!0
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Thanks Lottie. Much appreciated!!!!0
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As some of you may know... I have a very hard time walking. I'm scheduled for major back surgery next Thursday 06.23. After surgery I have to walk a minimum of 1 mile per day after the first 2 weeks. Well I decided after making a new friend on my fitness pal to give walking a try last night. Just to see what I can do. I know it doesn't seem like much... but I did a half mile in 12 minutes before I couldn't bare the pain anymore. I'm so excited and darn proud of myself also. I feel so good right now. I'm working on mapping out my plan of attack on weight loss, exercise, and many more things.0
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A half a mile is great! Way to go!
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half a mile is way better than sitting on the couch!!!0
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Thanks. I'm going for 3/4 tomorrow night.0
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My weight loss game plan. I know right now, I'm following weight watchers and tweaking it to fit my nutritional needs.... but I know and understand that I need to have a plan in place in case I fall off the wagon. I need to have a plan in place to get me up... dusted off and back on the wagon right away.
I've been thinking hard about this game plan.. writing about it in my journal. This plan starts with me making food secondary to living the very best life I can. Food is fuel. Good food nourishes the body. Bad or junk food slows the body down, makes me sluggish, tired, leads to more bad choices. For a very long time, I used food to celebrate and calm every emotion I dealt with, with food. I'm bipolar and I know and understand that my meds cause weight gain. These same meds have kept me almost 90% stable over the last 14years. I also understand that I don't need food to nourish my soul. Nourishment of my soul comes from being the very best person I can be. I don't need food to comfort my soul.
In order for me to complete the above, I will plan my meals and snacks for the week. I will also prep foods hen it comes into the house, which makes grabbing goof for me food an easier choice. I will buy a variety of foods each week. The absolute hardest part of this game plan for me... making me the Number one priority in my life. I will also be making exercise my Number one job also. I will do some walking, some videos, some strength training. All this to make working out fun and interesting.
As of my weigh in this morning I was an even 283.0. my goal weight is somewhere between 125-140. With this said, I know I have a very long way to go. I will not concentrate on the big picture.... rather will concentrate on 5lb increments at a time.0 -
Good morning my fellow MFP boardie friends. I just wanted to take a minute and say a huge THANK YOU for the prayers the day of surgery and the prayers that have continued. I actually feel like all of you are here with me, surrounding me in a bubble protecting me. I am 100% glad I had this surgery. Although I am in massive amounts of pain, sitting and lying down do not help, cannot get comfortable, I would do this again in a heart beat. I understand that I have a very long road to recovery, but...... in September or October I should be able to return to Zumba. UBER excited about that. Until that time comes, I will be plugging away at weight loss only by watching what I eat.
Again, just saying a HUGE Thank you and big HUGS my friends. Without your support and prayers, I don't think I'd be where I am today!!1 -
I hope the road to recovery is smooth and I'm glad the surgery went well! 0
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Was back surgery worth all this?? Definitely a question 7 days out from surgery I'm asking myself. I feel OK. Not good and definitely not great yet. I gained over 17lbs while in the hospital for 2.5 days due to the IV fluids, the pain meds (OIC is real), not eating the right foods.
I had joined the lose 100 lbs in 15 months challenge in a different group. I have to go back to edit it to start tomorrow, which I do not mind. Just feel defeated right now. The worst part is, mentally I know it's not me who gained weight, it's all fluids.
I will not allow back surgery to throw that much of a wrench into my weight loss efforts.1 -
Surgery is stressful for the body, don't be so hard on yourself. Just focus on getting better and making better choices and doing what you can during this time. Keep your chin up, your thoughts positive and the path ahead in view. You can do it!0
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Don't fret the weight, you have enough stress without having to take that on yourself!
How is the recovery going? How is the walking going? How is the meal planning going? Is the pain subsiding any from day to day? Hopefully there are no complications!!!
Just keep focused on the things you can control and don't worry about the water weight, it will go away as your body heals from the trauma. Surgery is hard, but I know this is something you were doing for your long term mobility and quality of life, it's a difficult road, but you can do this!!!
You are so much more than a number on a scale!1 -
@ WifiresGettingFit: thank you for the kind words and reminding me of the obvious. Keep things I can control in sight.
@tcunbeliever Recovery is going ok. Right now I am totally exhausted and spent. Due to family circumstances, I cannot just sit back and do nothing like I should be. I am helping out around the house as much as physically possible. I am not supposed to be concentrating on the walking yet. That is supposed to start after the first 2 weeks from surgery. I do go to stores with my mom ( 2 parts.. 1- I don't like her going out by herself; 2- I get to walk around as much as I can in the store). Meal planning is going well. It's hard with dinners sometimes as I am not the cook in the household, but once we pick dinner, I can plan the rest of the day. I'm still in a LOT of pain. I've at least gotten to a point that I can sit comfortably. Getting in and out of bed is a bad JOKE!!!! The recouping has been OK/complications minimal. The steri strips that were placed on the incision fell off Saturday and Sunday and since that time.... my incision keeps opening up causing me to bleed. Thank you also Tiffany for the kind words and concern. Much appreciated. 1 -
You're welcome Cari! I hope things start improving for you!! 0
