Sabotaging husband

marymomma4

Hi, im new here. Again. Im trying, again, to do better. It was my goal this summer. As always, i did very well during the week, its the weekends when i fall apart. Just when i feel strong enough to try to make it through one, my husband yells at me and says im just trying to restrict and that i should let go on the weekends and eat whatever, that we should eat something together. He blames my eating disorder for everything. And doesnt understand, and wont try to. His anger forces me to give in. Then one taste sets me off...
I want to lose about 10lbs and be able to fit in my clothes, and to stop pushing a rope !

denisemarielarnder

Firstly, I'm sorry no one has responded to your post until now. Secondly, I'm sorry you're experiencing such problems with your husband.

Honestly, what I would do is write out a long letter explaining how you feel and what you want/expect from him, like patience, letting go of trying to control you, etc... but I have advice about such a letter.

First of all, make sure to re-read it over and over again to make sure it is respectful to him, but also respectful to yourself. (As in, don't apologize for writing it, and don't apologize for having an eating disorder. That's not fair to you. If you feel you need to, you could say something like, "I'm sorry that my ED ends up causing us stress, but I'm not sorry for having an eating disorder because I didn't choose it; it's not my fault."

Secondly, 'sandwich' it--meaning, start the letter with something positive, and end with something positive. That way it's not all negative. Something maybe like that you appreciate him, what he does for you, or something like that. When you give it to him, ask him to please not respond to anything in it until he's finished reading all of it. (Set boundaries.)

Things not to do: 1) Don't apologize for your letter or your ED. 2) Don't say "You make me feel..." instead, say "I feel ___ when you..." Little things like that do make a difference. 3) Try your best not to be passive, aggressive, or passive-aggressive; keep it assertive. Don't beat around the bush (passive), but keep it tactful and respectful.

Things TO do: Make sure you include HIS feelings somewhere in the letter; make sure you do mention that you do indeed care very much about how he feels, even though that seems like it goes without saying.

I'm all about writing letters in these types of situations; write it when you are calm and focused, when you have the time. Chances are you'll end up articulating your wants/needs better and more accurately and more respectfully when you have it all written out, rather than having a conversation where we can often make mistakes with our word choices and things can lead to fighting/arguing instead of what you originally intended.

Hope this helps. Sending prayers and love your way.

KnitOrMiss

I'm sorry, too, @marymomma4, for not responding - I think I read this message the first time when I wasn't somewhere I could sit down and write out an honest response - and then forgetful, busy me, it slipped my mind. My sincerest apologies.

That being said, @denisemarielarnder hit the nail on the head with fabulous advice.

My boyfriend of 4 plus years is kind of a douchy jerk sometimes about stuff like this, but honestly, since I laid down the law a while back, he's gotten tons better. A huge thing to consider and reflect on while you write a letter, etc., is that his concern/anger/whatever likely comes from a place of fear or attempts to control HIMSELF.

LET ME REPEAT THAT. MOST OF HIS CONCERN, WORRY, COMPLAINT, OR WHATEVER IS VERY LIKELY ALL ABOUT HIM. NOT ME. HIM.

While not all men are like that, and some are just controlling jerks, I find that many people, men or women, who have never been taught good communications skills see something that makes them react - and half the darned time, they don't even realize why they flip out.

For me, reading your message tells me, in my understand of poorly attempted communication - so admittedly I could be SO FAR OFF I'm in another galaxy's ballfield - that he is afraid and/or worried. Afraid you might make him give up his addictions, afraid he might have to ADMIT them in the first place! Afraid he's wrong. Afraid that you not eating with him will change your relationship. Afraid that if you fix your "issues," that he won't be good enough. Afraid that if you eat super healthy you'll get way sexy and he won't be able to "keep" you. Afraid of change. Afraid that your relationship won't be the same if food, eating, indulgence, and such isn't the center of it anymore - then GASP you both might have to work at it. Scared that if you get stronger, you won't need him anymore. Scared that he'll never understand the way you have to eat and be able to support you. Scared he WILL understand. Scared of losing you because of your issues. Scared of losing you because you manage your issues. Scared of having to live by a rulebook for life. Scared of losing spontaneity, even if you don't do much that way now - fear of the unknown, losing something entirely or of restriction causes us to panic as humans. Worried for you - if you get healthier, if you don't, what will happen to you, etc.

I could go on and on and on for days, but I think this gives you the picture. It could be one of these things. It could be something else. It could be all of it. And the majority of the time, it isn't even something they realize. They don't know they are afraid. They just react. And a typical man's way to react (in my experience) is panicky anger in this situation. I'm not saying anything against men - far from it. Just that when I consider the CONTEXT of my guy's response to me about ANYTHING, it helps so much. He is very much like this, even if he finally realized it, he would never admit it, etc.

All of that being said...there is a book series I have started to read, all about Anger. Anger is not a bad thing. It is the catalyst for true change. But especially as women, we are taught that anger is bad, unladylike, or whatever. I say pooh-pooh on that. Anger is very necessary to survival. The issue at hand is how we utilize it. We need to take Anger and make it the fuel behind determined change (no need for motivation when fueled by Anger, etc.). We need to use it constructively and as a tool. The author wrote a number of books, about how to use this tool in most situations (with SO, parents, at work, personally, etc.). The one I remember offhand is "The Dance of Anger." Harriet Lerner, Ph.D. While as with anything, I don't agree with every single thing she says, the few chapters I was able to listen to (I used Overdrive to do the audiobook), I loved the underlying concept.

I hope this helps in some way, and that you can regain your sense of self. Just to let you know, you are not alone in that sometimes all it takes is one taste or smell of a forbidden food to set me off, too. Some supplements might help with that, depending... (HUGS)