When compliments stop and criticism starts
CaliforniaAJ
Posts: 196 Member
So, my husband and I have been steadily losing for 8 months. I am down 62lbs and he is down 90lbs.
I am 46, 5'4" and 136lbs. He is 47, 6'3" and 192lbs.
We are both aiming for just another 10lbs until we stop losing, at which point we will continue follow LCHF forever, but at maintenance calories!
During these last 8 months there has been a flurry of the normal "Wow, you have lost a lot of weight", "Whatever you are doing, it's working for you", "You look great", etc.
Recently comments from those same people have turned into "Don't turn anorexic", "You are wasting away", "You are going too far".
Neither of us looks "Skinny". We have been careful to buy clothes along the way to fit our current weight. So now we are feeling very self conscious about our loss, rather than reveling in our success!
I have also noticed over the months that when people ask me "What are you doing", I tell them I eat Low Carb. The instant response is "Oh, I could cut out bread" Sigh! They think it's that easy. Then I tell them I work out for 1 1/2 hours a day and they switch off. They want the same results in a quick fix, easy way.
I suppose this is a rant, but my point is that there seems to be a tipping point where well meaning compliments turn into, frankly, nasty comments. From observation, these all seem to be motivated by envy!!
I am 46, 5'4" and 136lbs. He is 47, 6'3" and 192lbs.
We are both aiming for just another 10lbs until we stop losing, at which point we will continue follow LCHF forever, but at maintenance calories!
During these last 8 months there has been a flurry of the normal "Wow, you have lost a lot of weight", "Whatever you are doing, it's working for you", "You look great", etc.
Recently comments from those same people have turned into "Don't turn anorexic", "You are wasting away", "You are going too far".
Neither of us looks "Skinny". We have been careful to buy clothes along the way to fit our current weight. So now we are feeling very self conscious about our loss, rather than reveling in our success!
I have also noticed over the months that when people ask me "What are you doing", I tell them I eat Low Carb. The instant response is "Oh, I could cut out bread" Sigh! They think it's that easy. Then I tell them I work out for 1 1/2 hours a day and they switch off. They want the same results in a quick fix, easy way.
I suppose this is a rant, but my point is that there seems to be a tipping point where well meaning compliments turn into, frankly, nasty comments. From observation, these all seem to be motivated by envy!!
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I think it happens to most of us. It doesn't really have anything to do with you, it's more about what's going on in their heads. Though some people may genuinely be concerned, mothers especially. It'll pass though people will adjust mentally to your new size and no longer see it as something they need to comment on.4
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I'm anticipating the same comments. And when they happen, I'll just tell them I've been going to the gym. It's the exercise.
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I got (and still get) the same things on a regular basis. I started at 265, and just recently hit a weight and bodyfat where I am turning around for a lean bulk (150). As always, I just chalk this up to the distorted perception of normality that our society is developing. As the world widens, those who resist will be the strange ones. This is especially true for those of us who were once...rather robust.2
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Well, I'm just sorry that happened to you and your OH. That reminds me of my mother and her superficial beauty standards. I'm sure we all have a few of those...keep your chin up, and maybe develop an attitude? Like..mmmhmmm, girl you know we look good! Then prance away, booty switching? 7
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Change is a threat to small-minded people. Use it as an opportunity to learn to be completely comfortable in your own skin and walking your own path. Accommodating those people will just hold you back.
The people in my life freak out every time I tell them my goal weight. I just ignore their freakouts.5 -
Trouble is, it's been a while, and you're not ballooning back higher than your starting weight, which undercuts a common rationalization of unfit people who sit idly by while others lose weight.
This exposes their own bad choices and lands them (in their minds) on the hot seat, making them writhe and squirm and blurt stupid, petty things.
(Next thing you know, those ill-wishing, malcontented, false friends will be offering you cigs and Twinkies and try to lure you into friendly carb-eating "competitions." Maybe even try to get you to binge on Olestra....)
The best revenge is living well.13 -
^^^^here here! *lifts keto aid in a toast*2
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Cheers!1
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A: congratulations on a great amount of weightloss!
And
B: We've turned into a society where people think it's their right and privilege to comment on everything you do. It is simply impossible to make everybody happy. I'd probably say "not that it's any of your business, but I am at a very healthy weight for my height, and my doctor says everything is good and I'm healthy. So why don't you go focus some of that worry energy on something worthwhile like helping people who actually need it." Bc seriously, a lot of it probably their warped view and not being used to seeing you looking that thin.5 -
@CaliforniaAJ It's good you're only in your 40s. Once you hit that older generation The Concerned also add comments like a very blunt, "Have you been sick" and my favorite: "Older people need to carry more weight".
As you progress, joyous feelings will return with people saying, "Wow! You've really done a great job maintaining".3 -
Yep.
Could also be, "Nice to see you - you look great! Too bad it's at another funeral. Maybe all the candy we shoveled around at work wasn't such a great idea...."2 -
Firstly, thank you all for reading my 'vent' and taking the time to comment. It really means a lot that people on here care and are supportive.
I am normally very thick skinned and don't take things to heart, but I got to feeling that people were saying we looked unhealthy. I did actually have one older lady who live in our building ask if I had lost weight 'intentionally'. She said she was used to work as a nurse and was worried about me.
For sure, I was 'robust' and whilst I think I wore it well, as I was always quite fit, people do get used to you being larger. My bust was so huge I always felt like I was following it around.
It is a sad state of affairs when people can't just either pay a compliment or not say anything. Why people have to be so negative is beyond me.
Well anyway, now I am smiling at all your comments and tempted to do exactly what SuperCarLori suggested!
Wise words RalfLott. Thank you.
Thank you all
xxxx4 -
*saucily flips hair*
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CaliforniaAJ wrote: »I did actually have one older lady who live in our building ask if I had lost weight 'intentionally'. She said she was used to work as a nurse and was worried about me.
Between older nurses, dietitians, in-laws, and co-workers, it's hard to say who would get the booby prize for most insistent droning of flat-earth era misinformation, but it's close......
You could retort with, "I used to be chubby, out of shape, and didn't feel all that hot. I guess we've both moved on!"
PS Hang in there - you're in inspiration to more people than you are threatening to others!
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Congrats on your success!
I think's it's SO odd that people find it acceptable to bluntly blurt out things about our appearance no matter what. For years (literally, 10 years!), a coworker of mine told me I looked "tired" almost daily...and expressed that he was saying it only because he was "so concerned" until one day I had to bluntly tell him to knock it off because it was insulting!
Once I lost weight on LCHF, everybody wanted to know how I did it...and then didn't want to accept it as "healthy". When I said I had switched to a LCHF diet, another colleague said dismissively "but the key word here is 'diet' ". It's ok, though. Now when they ask, I just say thank you. I'm feeling fantastic (healthy and energetic, not just thinner) and it's been 2 years.
"The best revenge is a good life"--- or whatever they say, right? haha1 -
Shadowmf023 wrote: »I'm anticipating the same comments. And when they happen, I'll just tell them I've been going to the gym. It's the exercise.
haha
Yes, sometimes I think it might be best if I just acted surprised when people ask me about my weight loss: "What?! Really? I've lost weight? Why, thank you." 4 -
The worst critic is my Mother in Law, who is a larger lady herself. She was initially really supportive, but now she is constantly telling us both how silly we are.
She is trying to diet herself and will happily tick off on her fingers that she has not touched since Christmas "sweets, chocolate, biscuits, cakes, ice cream". Yet she is not counting calories and eats literally 9 or 10 pieces of fruit each day, plus huge bowls of bran flakes. She eats pretty much sugar all day, but she doesn't see it as sugar, as it's fruit.
I bite my tongue and don't criticize her diet method, so I don't see why she thinks she has the right to criticize mine!3 -
I've experienced it as well, and not even in person, the woman said it on my Facebook page for all my friends and family to see! ugh. I know most people (most) mean well but COME ON.2
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I tend to agree that it's envy talking, rather than concern. Also, put you and your hubby in a crowd at, say a football game, and you would, indeed, seem to be wasting away in comparison with the rest of the patrons, which says more about the crowd and less about you!
Keep calm and keto on! 1 -
First, older people, whether a nurse or whatever, tend to blurt out things just because they can! : This is like a right of passage for living a long life. They are quick to say "Oh you have really gotten fat!" Or "You look pale! Are you eating right?" I just smile and say "I'm good. Thanks for asking" out of respect for their age... Most likely, they are genuinely concerned.
BUT...if they are my age, NEAR my age or younger....I tell them bluntly I am happy, healthier than ever and I refuse to eat poison just because everyone else thinks I should. I am in this strictly for my health. Not anyone else's opinion.
Best not to let people stress you out. Stress does horrible things to our bodies and usually has contributed quite a bit to our weight gain/over eating/binges.
Just don't let others get under your skin and enjoy your LC/Keto/ZC life!!!
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Ditto the above.
I am an "older person" and I do not feel entitled to say whatever I please, but I do understand that some do so. Take it with a grain of salt. 3 -
So, my husband and I have been steadily losing for 8 months. I am down 62lbs and he is down 90lbs.
I am 46, 5'4" and 136lbs. He is 47, 6'3" and 192lbs.
Down 62lbs in 8 months and 136lbs? Down 90lbs in 8 months and 192lbs????? Who cares what anyone says negative this is pure AWESOMENESS for both of you guys! For the height and age you guys are, I know you both look utterly fabulous and probably 10-15 years younger too. How excellent of you two.7 -
Thanks edampu! That is so very kind of you to say 2
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First of all, I want to offer you a big congratulations on your healthy life and achieving the extremely difficult task of losing a tremendous amount of weight and getting fit.
I think a lot of people are much more comfortable when you're fat because they don't have to look inward when they know you're flawed too. When you do something positive, it makes them uncomfortable because they are forced to face their inadequacies every time they see you. These are just people who are insecure and jealous that you were able to achieve something they can't. I see this dynamic with my aunt and my mom with my aunt trying to sabotage my mom. I personally don't understand not being sincerely happy when the people you love better their lives. You just need to take it for what it is and just let it go, it's just their insecurities surfacing. There are plenty of people that are truly happy for you.3 -
Gallowmere1984 wrote: »I got (and still get) the same things on a regular basis. I started at 265, and just recently hit a weight and bodyfat where I am turning around for a lean bulk (150). As always, I just chalk this up to the distorted perception of normality that our society is developing. As the world widens, those who resist will be the strange ones. This is especially true for those of us who were once...rather robust.
I ran across an article a few years ago about the widening of America. Did you know that medical equipment (wheelchairs, operating tables, X-ray machines, etc.) is being redesigned to cope with patients who are too big for the same equipment that's been in use for decades?
Not surprisingly, coffins are also available in much larger sizes than in the past.
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First, the success of the OP and hubby is amazing!!! I learned a phrase years ago that fits your situation with relatives, and anyone else remarking : Criticism and discontent are a sign of success" (you annoy them, they chafe!)....it is human nature to be petty..we would never look at a 6'4" person and say "You're too tall" but personal comments from the point of "concern" are allowed?
The fact that most people believe in "low calorie diet plus exercise" which fails US 99% of time, as the only 'healthy way' is fixed in their minds, and taught by our nutritional system.
Mandycat- considering 73% of Americans are now overweight with fully half of that number at "obese" is the reason why products, coffins, exam gowns are huge. Remember when exam gowns were made for size 12 and under? Tight sleeves, won't close in front or back? At least there is consideration for the patient.
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Most people are overweight
Losing weight and getting in shape makes many of them uncomfortable
Haters gonna hate
Just keep off the weight!!
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@CaliforniaAJ
I've lost maybe 12-14 pounds since beginning this LcHf and am 5'1", so have heard everything that was said to you - all of it- and the words were not from one relative, all "friends" ---- think that people have to get used to how we look now.
My former size was an 8 ( tight but hey, they were size 8) and now am a comfy size 4.
Stay the course, weighing less is great for knees, hips, health & esp for the world.3 -
mandycat223 wrote: »Gallowmere1984 wrote: »I got (and still get) the same things on a regular basis. I started at 265, and just recently hit a weight and bodyfat where I am turning around for a lean bulk (150). As always, I just chalk this up to the distorted perception of normality that our society is developing. As the world widens, those who resist will be the strange ones. This is especially true for those of us who were once...rather robust.
I ran across an article a few years ago about the widening of America. Did you know that medical equipment (wheelchairs, operating tables, X-ray machines, etc.) is being redesigned to cope with patients who are too big for the same equipment that's been in use for decades?
Not surprisingly, coffins are also available in much larger sizes than in the past.
It gets even worse than that. The article I am about to link is VERY NSFW, and shows you just how disgustingly out of hand this has gotten on the medical front.
http://chaosandpain.blogspot.com/2014/10/your-fat-is-unequivocally-your-fault-5.html
A quotation from the very end from an RN friend of the author:
"It would be awesome, but nigh impossible, to find data re: money / hours / productivity lost secondary to obesity. E.g., some patients have to be manually turned, side to side every 2 hours, while in bed. For a normal sized person that takes one or two RNs. For a walrus it takes 4 or 5 (or more). Every two hours. For a normal pt it takes only 1 RN to insert a foley catheter. Fatties = 4 or more: one each to hold the legs back/open, 1 or 2 to hold back the pannus, 1 to aim the flashlight, and 1 to insert.Bigger wheelchairs, bigger beds, bigger bed sheets, more medication (antibiotics are fire weight-based)"1 -
Majcolorado wrote: »Change is a threat to small-minded people.
I couldn't agree more.2
