Divorce

AngieViolet

Hello! I've been MIA for quite a while! My progress has been an awesome ride. Last spring I weighed 417lbs and was facing disability due to knee issues. Today I weigh 199lbs and just completed my 2nd 5k! I have no knee pain and tons of energy. However, I just finalized my divorce 3 weeks ago. We were together for 17 years, and this journey opened our eyes to the fact that the only things that we still enjoyed together were food and codependency. The weight loss didn't end the marriage, but opened our eyes to how off track we were. We tried counseling and I WISH that we could have encouraged each other and would have taken this journey together. I see his physical and emotional pain and I see my joy and energy and it hurts, but I can't make his life changes for him. I still love him and we are friends, but this is a huge life change.

Our sex life was reduced to just a few times a year, and that was driven by lack of energy and pain and fatigue. I found myself lonely and sad, so I tested the waters a bit in chat rooms. Tacky, I know, but my sex drive was INSANE! I did tell my ex what I was doing, and he didn't really mind. Hint number one that we were headed towards a divorce. Once I realized that counseling wasn't helping and that I was tempted to step outside of my marriage, I asked for the divorce.

Note to spouses of those who start a new healthy lifestyle...never challenge someone with this much energy to make it quick! I did all of the paperwork on my own, filed, and represented both of us at the divorce hearing. The judge said that this was the fastest divorce that he has ever granted and the first in 18 years that he granted after the first submission without the assistance of a lawyer. During the 30day waiting period I separated all finances, assets, bought a new SUV, and refinanced our home in my name hahaha. My ex was shocked!

We are still friends and just this weekend he met my new boyfriend. I've also been helping him on some dating websites. It's terrifying how easily a marriage shifts to a friendship when intimacy and fun disappears. We both literally ate our way out of having the energy to enjoy life and physically do the things we once loved.

I didn't write this to scare anyone, but to share my experiences. Many marriages don't survive the weight loss journey. It seemed to me that was due to resentment and jealousy. I wanted to offer a different perspective, that sometimes the marriage is over before the weight loss. My ex is a great man, and I will always love him. However, we were not partners, but grew to become nothing more than roommates who shared empathy for the pain and drain of morbid obesity.

Has anyone else has a similar experience?

garber6th

I am sorry you have gone through this, divorce is never good or easy, even when it's the right thing, but it's good to see you are on a better path for yourself!

I didn't go through a divorce but you bring up something that I think is common for people who go through huge personal changes (like a huge weight loss!), and that's change in the dynamics of our relationships. As we become more confident and strong, we get more independent and a lot of those co-dependent relationships just don't work any more. We don't need them. My friendships have definitely shifted, and fortunately most survived, but there were sadly a couple of casualties. Sometimes people around us just can't adjust to our changes. They are so used to us being a certain way, and our changes make them uncomfortable, maybe because it makes them realize they might need to change too, and they don't want to or aren't ready. My personal/intimate relationships have changed as well. I am single now, but I do date, and I definitely hold myself to a much higher standard than I did previously. It's funny how a number on our scales does a number on our self esteem and self worth, but it does.

Thanks so much for sharing Angie, I think you opened a dialogue that is really important and we can all relate to!

RhiannonBecks

I think you made a great statement in regards to the weight not being the reason, but indicating that sometimes relationships are over before and the weight journey just brought them to light.

I haven't gone through this, and am sorry you have had to, but you seem to be adjusting well and seem very happy with yourself, Kudos! And More Kudos for being open & honest. I see so many indicate that their relationship failed bc of the weight, and I can imagine that it puts a stress on the relationship and forging new things to bond on, but I think underlying issues could have been at hand like you mentioned.

Thanks for your insight!

rpyle111

What a well written post and very brave of you to share this with us. Thanks. I hope things work out for you and your writing show how strong you have become through this process.

anbrdr

I agree, thank you for sharing this! I'm glad that you both seem to be in a better place now!

arjeffries136

I'm glad you are in a happier place. I think that it is good that you recognized your own needs and were aware of what you wanted out of life. My marriage was over before my surgery. I knew that I could only fight for my life (emotionally/ with surgery) before physically fighting for my life. My husband was physically abusive. I knew leaving him might literally kill me because he had attempted to kill me in the past. When I left, I was mentally and physically prepared to save my and my childrens lives. The surgery didn't cause my divorce. When I had surgery, I reclaimed my life.

AngieViolet

Thank you all for the comments and for sharing your struggles and successes! I've been amazed through this process how my friends and family have jumped on board! Many started exercising with me and some even completely adopted a healthier lifestyle and brought their families with them, incorporating clean eating and exercise activities into their routines! Others feel threatened by the process but watch at a distance but are always supportive. I am truly blessed to be surrounded by so many amazing people! I couldn't imagine talking on this journey without this incredible group on MFP! It was pure luck that I had stumbled upon all of you, and I am sooooooo glad that I did!

RhiannonBecks

@angiemollison308 I agree, I think the support on MFP is awesome, if you are a facebook user, you should look up Baritastic Social- Even more awesome, WELCOMING support there too; of people in all stages of the process!!

nakeddog

I appreciate your story as it hits home for my possible future. Right now my marriage is not a marriage., we are two roommates, raising our children, and we don't share a bed, and haven't for 17 of our 18 yr marriage...sex use to be regular in the beginning when I didn't have the weight. But it is not uncommon for us to go a full year without...and I think both of us are not sexual enough to care about getting it, he's not asking either, he's thin. I care about the loss of connection, that feeling of intimacy, the desire to be with him...that left and I miss that. The longest was the last 2 years, the dry spell ended this past aug...and the time ticks away once again. Sleeping apart certainly doesn't help...but he's a light sleeper and I always snored, and I now have sleep apnea. He sleeps in the basement.

My goal at the end of this journey, when I get the surgery, is that I return to the person I was...we start "dating" again, and grow the feelings all over. If we can't, then I know I have done everything I can, and I will likely see our marriage continue as roommates until the youngest are older, or separate. I have many issues in our relationship that have nothing to do with weight., and me losing weight is not going to change that.

If I hypothetically consider stepping outside., the only person I'd want is already taken., so at this moment I have no desire to leave, as he treats me well, loves our kids and we have a good friendship. But it would be nice to feel the love., we have more disappointments, resentments, and even bitterness to work thru....and these stem from differences in us as we never really knew each other that well, we got married within 8mths of meeting each other...and we are opposites. What was so attractive in the beginning, is what I needed, or thought I needed...but once routines settle in, and kids came...those differences became problems. We passed 18 yrs last March.

I still like him, but I haven't loved him for years...not the way I want to.

lorigug9364

I'm sorry to hear this. I have been married twice and divorced twice. My first husband thought I was a beached whale when I was pregnant with our son. He asked the doctor if he could put a few more stitches in me after giving birth to my son completely natural.