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maoribadger
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Sorry ive only been lurking things have been pretty awful here and im struggling really badly. So might be a long post. So i told you i overdosed in feb, was referred to social services and the stress triggered a mania which lead to me being diagnosed bipolar and put on depakote with my venlafaxine. Got on badly with the depakote. It gave me nasty mouthed ulcers and though it stopped the highs and lots it stopped me feeling anything. So i went back to the shrink who said to come off it and they would get another team to take me over and put me on lithium.
So they cut my depakote down to nearly nothing but screwed up the referral to the other team meaning i went nearly a monthly without any therapeutic levels of meds and essentially i went bonkers. I phoned my new psych nurse who was useless so i made a massive writtten complaint to mental health services and refused to engage with her then i pitched up at the emergency dept which wasnt a small decision since i work there but was at the end of my tether.
The main dr in the dept who i have known for ten years was furious and rang my shrink and tore them a new one to get my appt sped up and in the meantine started the lithium himself. I then met my new psych nurse who is pretty good and things seemed to settle. Lithium suited me it doesnt make me drowsy stops my appetite only problem is that it makes me sweat really bad.
But i developed a stomach upset that sent my levels too high so they reduced it from 800 to 600. I was struggling a bit but coping.
However end august we went on holiday and it was awful. My five year old who is waiting for autism assessment didnt cope and among other things hit kicked and bit me and trashed the caravan. My dog peed all over the bed and *kitten* in the caravan. The caravan was filthy, the camp was a dive and the shows were packed out so we couldnt attend. So we spent a lot of time walking and playing arcades.
This caused a flare up of my ME after the holiday. Usual stuff, exhausted, painful joints etc. I also got very down but didnt think much of it as i do get down during a flare up. But once the flare went away i was still down and people started to notice so i rang the psych nurse who was on holiday. The duty nurse didnt really care about what i was telling her and brushed me off so i decided just to keep going. Over next week was still real low but things got a bit weird. Im hearing things like voices, footsteps and banging that nobody else can hear and constantly convinced there are bugs on me, worrying about zombies in the garden. I cant tolerate noise or crowds im panicking and anxious and ocd is really bad. Over weekend i went to work but struggled as i would clean something then someone would touch it. I also developed the jitters cant stop moving, headracing needing to write it all down and really aggressive and angry. I stopped sleeping and eating. I rang the nurse monday after self harming on sunday. Still a duty nurse but they listened and were surprised i was still functioning and working and got my consultant shrink to ring. He says im dysphoric mania or mixed episode and wants me on quetiapine as well as lithium and venlafaxine.
So i went to work monday night but i was pacing and jittering and struggling with my temper. Started the quetiapine tuesday. Got some sleep but some dick phoned my kids school gossiping who rang my husband who is furious at them and half mad at me. My line manager at work has referred me to occupational health and asked three of my good friends to email her information which of course they have refused but im worried about what shes up to.
Rang my shrink today who has increase the dosages again as im still aggressive and hyper and pacey but with low low mood and im to see my primary care doc tomorrow to get a decision on work and also to look at a mole on my back im worried about.
So all the stress is too much, my daughters assessment, the school involving any services, my manager messing with my head, the mole on my back, Money, christmas it is all a swirling torrent in my head i cant cope with. I feel like hitting my head off a wall to shut it all up. And i started to log my food again because i was losing weight on the lithium but its got out of control. Am managing to keep it over 1000 but get in a tizz if it does over 1100. Im eating once a day with a *kitten* snack in the morning. Thats why i shut my diary. I know i can lose on 1500 but im scared of gaining on all there psych meds so not eating and dont know how to get out of it
So they cut my depakote down to nearly nothing but screwed up the referral to the other team meaning i went nearly a monthly without any therapeutic levels of meds and essentially i went bonkers. I phoned my new psych nurse who was useless so i made a massive writtten complaint to mental health services and refused to engage with her then i pitched up at the emergency dept which wasnt a small decision since i work there but was at the end of my tether.
The main dr in the dept who i have known for ten years was furious and rang my shrink and tore them a new one to get my appt sped up and in the meantine started the lithium himself. I then met my new psych nurse who is pretty good and things seemed to settle. Lithium suited me it doesnt make me drowsy stops my appetite only problem is that it makes me sweat really bad.
But i developed a stomach upset that sent my levels too high so they reduced it from 800 to 600. I was struggling a bit but coping.
However end august we went on holiday and it was awful. My five year old who is waiting for autism assessment didnt cope and among other things hit kicked and bit me and trashed the caravan. My dog peed all over the bed and *kitten* in the caravan. The caravan was filthy, the camp was a dive and the shows were packed out so we couldnt attend. So we spent a lot of time walking and playing arcades.
This caused a flare up of my ME after the holiday. Usual stuff, exhausted, painful joints etc. I also got very down but didnt think much of it as i do get down during a flare up. But once the flare went away i was still down and people started to notice so i rang the psych nurse who was on holiday. The duty nurse didnt really care about what i was telling her and brushed me off so i decided just to keep going. Over next week was still real low but things got a bit weird. Im hearing things like voices, footsteps and banging that nobody else can hear and constantly convinced there are bugs on me, worrying about zombies in the garden. I cant tolerate noise or crowds im panicking and anxious and ocd is really bad. Over weekend i went to work but struggled as i would clean something then someone would touch it. I also developed the jitters cant stop moving, headracing needing to write it all down and really aggressive and angry. I stopped sleeping and eating. I rang the nurse monday after self harming on sunday. Still a duty nurse but they listened and were surprised i was still functioning and working and got my consultant shrink to ring. He says im dysphoric mania or mixed episode and wants me on quetiapine as well as lithium and venlafaxine.
So i went to work monday night but i was pacing and jittering and struggling with my temper. Started the quetiapine tuesday. Got some sleep but some dick phoned my kids school gossiping who rang my husband who is furious at them and half mad at me. My line manager at work has referred me to occupational health and asked three of my good friends to email her information which of course they have refused but im worried about what shes up to.
Rang my shrink today who has increase the dosages again as im still aggressive and hyper and pacey but with low low mood and im to see my primary care doc tomorrow to get a decision on work and also to look at a mole on my back im worried about.
So all the stress is too much, my daughters assessment, the school involving any services, my manager messing with my head, the mole on my back, Money, christmas it is all a swirling torrent in my head i cant cope with. I feel like hitting my head off a wall to shut it all up. And i started to log my food again because i was losing weight on the lithium but its got out of control. Am managing to keep it over 1000 but get in a tizz if it does over 1100. Im eating once a day with a *kitten* snack in the morning. Thats why i shut my diary. I know i can lose on 1500 but im scared of gaining on all there psych meds so not eating and dont know how to get out of it
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Replies
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Good gracious, Lise. That is far, far too much for any person to deal with. Hopefully @carimiller7391 can chime in here better, but lordy. Did you ever read that book, "An Unquiet Mind" whether audio or otherwise? It really helped me some in dealing with the fact I may need medication ongoing, etc. I wish I had some solid answers on this, but I also have to be thankful that you were able to keep functional (sheer stubbornness perhaps?) and somewhat coherent in this timeframe? I hope you can find some balance and level within your meds...I know what a hard journey that can be.
Just because I know it can make most things spiral worse out of control, have you had your TSH level checked for thyroid function? If it's above the equivalent of 1.50 uIU/ML, that could be contributing to the symptoms chaos, as can low D3 levels (with K2) and low B12 levels... Not that you need anything else to worry about, but I know those things can be major cofactors for ongoing mania.
I am sending you and your entire family the best thoughts. I hope that you can get level to feeling human, that you can get your daughter's assessment handled, that your hubby can accept that it's terrifying to confide in anyone else - particularly when you don't understand WTF is happening, and that you all can get "to the other side" and begin functioning in a happier place. The video you posted of your youngest reading was adorable, btw.
(hugs), love, and all my compassion, Carly0 -
Lise, I am so glad you posted. Depakote is a horrible, horrible med. Causes people to feel slow, stupid, hear voices and such. IF you haven't been off of it 6 or more weeks, it may still be lingering in your system causing some of what you're going thru. I was on it. It did it to me. Took me 6-8 weeks to fully **FEEL** normal, whatever normal is again.
About the mixed episodes, they SUCK. I agree. I normally cycle (run the gamut of highs and lows every 3-4 days)..... most time being mixed. It's very hard to deal with until you get use to the cycling. It took me about 6 months to get used to it. Writing everyday for me helps. Gets the racing thoughts out.... only thing to slow down the racing thoughts as far as I can tell. Also, adult coloring eases the mind.
As far as gaining weight, the venlafaxine does cause weight gain, stalls weight loss and makes it about impossible to lose weight. I've been on it for 14 years now. It is THE only med that keeps me sane. About lithium, doc tried to put me on it. I'm not watching salt intake or electrolytes...... SO NO........ not happening. Be careful on it. Is quetiapine the generic for Seraquel? If so, I take a 300 mg dose to get sleep when I'm manic. Takes about 2 days worth of seraquel to help me sleep but after that, I'm good to go. Doesn't kick out the mania, but does help with the sleep.
As far as your *kitten* boss/manager..... report him/her to their boss or HR whichever you feel more comfortable doing. Don't allow him/her to stress you out more. Will only add to the mania. Also, here in the USA we have family medical leave act..... protects our jobs for 12 weeks for anything medically related. Do you have something similar?? If so, get the paperwork filled out and turned in. Then your *kitten* manager can't get in your business.
I'm so glad you went to the ER and that the psych ripped your doc a new one. Sometimes it is what has to happen to get things done. I'm sorry to hear you self harmed. Please know the I am here for you, just an email.... a ping on FB away if you need to talk. I know what you are going through, thrust me. It's hard, very hard.
Much love and hugs Lise!!!!!1 -
Also, there is a WW200+ board where everyone is super supportive. You are more than welcome to join us there. I know this board is very slow, but I also know, this is where you feel safe. Most of us on the WW200+ board do not do Weight watchers anymore. It's a safe place to post also.1
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@carimiller7391 - a quick google shows that yes, that quetiapine is the generic of Seroquel - and dear gods, the nightmares that medication gave me!!! I gained 40 pounds in 6 months with that crap because I didn't know better. It caused major drops in my blood sugar, leading me to eat boxes and boxes of Twinkies and the like to get my blood sugar back up in the middle of the night. That probably had to do with the underlying insulin resistance I had but didn't know about until years later. I imagine knowing what I do now, I could have handled it differently, but it was one of the only medications that ever helped me feel level, too, @maoribadger ...
I'm not currently taking any anti-depressive/anti-psychotic medications. Most of my issues were massively amplified by my thyroid being on an insanely Godzilla-like rampage. Since getting that managed (mostly), and combining with amino acid and neurotransmitter therapy more level these days, but - and that's a huge BUT, I'm still having mild hypomanic episodes that are brief but intense on a semi-regular schedule. I'm still working to find the specific trigger (hormones seem to be the culprit - the monthly female cycle - even medically suppressed) and address it, but I'm far more level and functional the majority of the time...
And let me tell you, I have been there with the whole hearing voices stuff... Pamelor aka nortriptyline was my particular enemy there. And what's craziest to me is that it was only added to help me to fall sleep... Within 3-4 days, though, I could tell something was WAY OFF, so I stopped the medication... I've been through just about everything else on this list, aside from the lithium.
One of the things that left me feeling most level amidst all this chaos was Deplin - a prescription-level folate...in combination with the Seroquel and later with Cymbalta or something, then eventually on it's own. It would cost me $150 on it's own now (regulations left it uncovered under insurance now), but my doctor is great with working with me on therapeutic levels of the OTC versions, so far any way...0 -
Thanks Carly, I thought it was seroquel..... I couldn't see the label on my bottle at home. You know how you try to remember what they say. And google is not my friend right now. I keep getting kicked out of google.0
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I am one with the google some days! LOL0
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Yeah quetiapine is seroquel. Am now on 50 twice a day on top of 800 lithium and 150 venlafaxine. Today am still jittering i get a lot of psychomotor agitation when high and jiggle my legs constantly. Also still very frustrated and angry wanting to smash things and my noise tolerance is zero with things like car engines making me flinch. Mind slowing from last night but still got loads i need to write down and still got bugs on me. Also quite anxious and panicking with pain in my chest. Got the new meds to start tonight and my gp tomorrow.1
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lise, not to tell you, a nurse how to take seroquel, but I take mine at night only for sleep. It's the only thing I've found that quiets the voices and the racing mind. Talk to your psych about this.0
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I also had to take it only at night. 4 hours before I went to bed, minimum 8 hours before I had to function. Otherwise I was a Zombie Coma person. How you're taking it during the day and functional is so far beyond me!!0
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Seroquel is an extended release formulation. Generic quetiapine is immediate release ergo twice a day. If i end up on it longer term will ask for the ER so i can tailor it to my work shifts im only on fifty atm and so manic its only making minimal inroads but i am more tired and i only slept two am to six thirty am last night but fell asleep at lunchtime today.0
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Sending you hugs and the best of luck, Lise...all the way around.0
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Thanks both of you. Started the fifty of quetiapine twice a day yesterday evening along with the new doses of venlafaxine and lithium. Didnt touch me so far was up til two am writing down everything i could think of then up at ten to six this morning and on the go. And i am NOT a morning person. Still jittering but the noise and sensory stimuli stuff is so much worse. Every noise is magnified and loud or high pitched noises are like being assaulted ive never known my noise issues this bad only music and earphones help. Plus being grabbed or jolted. My little one tends to cuddle me at full pelt and runs into me for a hug and i cant really deal with it today. Ive also had my nephew til school started and will do again after school. Hes four and tells very long involved stories you cant always follow because of his speech and its all i can do to stand and listen patiently. Even having difficulties typing this because im so wound up i cant focus.
My dr appt has been move to elevwn pm and have a friend coming. Apparently im not to be trusted to tell her the truth they seem to think i will downplay it to avoid being put on a sick note0 -
Lise, both the lithium and venlafaxine take 6-8 weeks to make a difference. At least in me the Venlafaxine did. Never did lithium. Also, if you miss a dosage of Venlafaxine you will get HORRIBLE headaches, jitters, voices, can't concentrate... etc. I've been on klonopin for about 2 months now-taking every day. I was just taking in social situations, now I take daily. I've found, people don't bother me as much, jitters, jolts, etc.. the social anxiety is not as bad. You may want to touch base with the psych about klonopin. It really did help me A LOT.0
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Lise, try to remember that your friend is only going because she cares about you. Depression lies and tells us that we are alone, we are meant to deal with this alone, it is our own personal failures that brought us there, that we should be able to handle it ourselves - and that we can't is another level of failure, and on and on and on.
Plus, let's be honest, you're stubborn as HE!LL, just like the rest of us. They just want to be absolutely sure that you get the help you need, that the physician doesn't bully you or downplay anything - just as much as you don't. We all have a very skewed sense of ourselves, especially when in the middle of our own personal burning hades...
I hope that you can get some relief as you continue on this path...
Love and very gentle hugs - from afar, Carly0 -
Ive been on venlafaxine at varying doses since last year so am not too concerned about its some effects as 150 is low for me ive been as high as 375 although that induced a mind mania and it was.overdosing on it in feb along with stress than induced a big one. So now they watch it closer as its super effects for depression for me but can easly tip me the other way. The lithium really suits me. No drowsiness or hunger and i have energy. Its just hard to balance. Time will tell with the quetiapine i think its slowing things until i get too much sensory stimuli and i go off again. Im just hoping i dont gain weight. I spoke to the shrink today as ive had a bad day today and yesterday. The noise has been worst i have ever known it and im really angry. The dog got in the recycling and i flipped and threw things round the kitchen. I dented the new freezer by throwing our heavy kitchen steps at it. I just have so much stimuli hitting my head from outside and so many thoughts pushing out from iside im not coping at all and it makes me want to harm or smash things up. I didnt sleep again last night. Two am to five forty five am and havent slept today.
My friends are great. The one who rang my kids school is not in my trusted circle anymore but i have four who i really trust and will come with me to appts (whether invite or not ha) and be honest with me as well as put up with my rambly one am texts. I just wish they would stop suggesting i should be an inpatient. Its very unsettlingg1 -
Lise, glad to know that the lithium suits you and is helping. The venlafaxine has never had a neg effect on me. Lexapro 10mg sent me manic in a matter of 12 hours. Out of a severe depression to out of this world manic. Maybe you should consider doing outpatient. I've done it twice which helped me learn coping mechanisms.1
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Am already outpatient under recovery team i have a community psychiatric nurse and a psychiatric who coordinate my meds and treatment1
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I saw a post elsewhere saying she was excited to be tired at a reasonable time where she is. I hope you have a fabulous night's sleep, Lise!0
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I had the diazepam on top of the other three meds and slept ten til seven. Am still twitchy and now also shaky and heads going super fast but its a start1
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As what we have learned on our journeys to better health, we all have to start somewhere!!!0
