• maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    Sorry i kept coming and reading this and not knowing how to form an answer. Its pretty bad here. Took some pills spent last night in hospital. Just trying to regroup
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,104 Member
    Hugs. I hope you get the right help to make it through this crisis.
  • RunawayCurves
    RunawayCurves Posts: 688 Member
    When I get really bad, I have to keep telling myself this is not real, this is not real.......... I know life stuff is real but I also on some level know that my feelings and thoughts are not real, they are distorted by my illness. Bipolar I think is a bit like being an unwilling drug taker, people who take LSD and experiment with different drugs go on all sorts of wacky head trips, some come with a rush, some are terrifying, most are ultimately damaging in some way. Instead of going to a dealer and buying a bunch of random upper and downer pills, we have our own inbuilt crazy chemist. Our brains produce their own upper and downer trips. Then doctors add some more to the mix to try and counter act that. Having our brains hijacked in this way is horrible, it is natural to feel distraught about it at times. Anyone would. It is an illness though, it is not your fault. I have to continuously remind myself of that. The worst episodes do pass and I know it is terrifying knowing there will be more but life is still worth fighting for. Love, smiles of loved ones, gorgeous days, there are always things to fight for.

    I had to create this for myself, I think everyone with a life threatening mental illness should make themselves a list like this and keep it somewhere easily accessible. Even write to yourself telling yourself why you must fight it even in darkest times.

    Why I don’t commit Suicide

    All the things I will miss out on
    Warmth of sunny day, rustle of leaves on trees, sunlight through leaves, beautiful views, seeing peoples smiles, taste of favourite foods, paddle in the sea, soak in bath, snuggled in bed, good movie, touch of loved ones, conversations, learning new skills, discovering new interests. I may not have met people who would have become best friends or love of my life if I had continued living.

    All the pain I will cause
    Family, friends, professionals who support me, people who don’t know me well but who will still be upset if I end myself.

    The legacy I will leave
    Suicide is infectious, hearing about it and knowing people who do it increases sense of hopelessness in others who are vulnerable and is an unintentional statement that suicide is ok and is a solution. Is that a message I am willing to leave behind for others to follow?

    Unknown consequences
    I have no way to be sure suicide will be a way out. No one comes back to say if death is actually an improvement or not. I might be reincarnated with similar challenges to face all over again. I would be exchanging the known for totally unknown. Too big a gamble?

    Why rush the inevitable?
    The only guarantee in life is death. It will happen so may as well wait for it to happen naturally.

    There are almost always other options
    Maybe I feel unloved or unimportant or all alone. Maybe I feel unworthy. Maybe I am too embarrassed or ashamed to really open up and ask for help. But hang on what does any of that matter if I am willing to kill myself. Then *kitten* being embarrassed or ashamed, I have literally nothing left to lose at this point. I can ask for help from anyone and everyone no matter how embarrassing or hopeless I may think that is because I can not be any worse off than I am at the point of being willing to kill myself. Unless I have asked every person on the planet for help how can I be sure that the help I need is not available. Having nothing to lose can be a source of often untapped liberation. What if I threw my rule book out the window and lived a different way? What if I start life over again, I can change my name, my location. I can severe all contact with my life and start again anywhere. It is never possible to entirely escape past or particular issues but a lot can be changed and is worth exploring before committing an irreversible final act. I could go out in the street and scream my problems, I could cry with total abandon. I could let all my walls down and be helpless. I don’t have to keep up pretence of being strong in front of others. Many things could go wrong, I might regret my choices but at least I will still be here and I can keep exploring options.

    Personal reasons to me.......................................

    Self Soothing:

    • Soothing music
    • Cathartic music
    • Loud music in headphones either angry or energetic
    • Get out in to countryside or a quiet garden to experience silence, leaves rustling, birds singing, water running.
    • Artwork on walls
    • Colourful throws, rugs
    • Feature walls
    • Mood lighting, candles
    • Tidy helps
    • Incense
    • Scented candles
    • Oil burner- Geranium , Lemongrass, Sandalwood, Bergamot
    • Perfume
    • Bath bombs
    • Scented soaps, gels, shampoos
    • Coffee beans
    • Comfortable clothing
    • Soft throw
    • Self Massage – oil or moisturise feet, hands
    • Soak in bath
    • Drink a lot of water
    • Try new flavours
    • Lemon, Chocolate
    • Avoid alcohol
    • Avoid energy drinks and junk food
    • Go for meal out

    • Walk
    • Swim
    • Gym
    • Fitness routine
    • Dance
    • Speak to people
    • Write
    • Jigsaw puzzles
    • Arts and crafts
    • Cooking
    • Cleaning
    • Decorating
    • Hobby
  • maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    Sorry M not ignoring you
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,104 Member
    @maoribadger Sending the world's biggest hugs.

    @ObesityWarrior Sending you huge hugs, too. That was an impressive writing. For those of us in less chaos, it's a very vivid portrait you painted.... Thank you.
  • carimiller7391
    carimiller7391 Posts: 1,091 Member
    Lise, please obtain a copy of the Unquiet Mind by kay redfield jamison. It gives her perspective of Bipolar in an awesome look inside the disorder. Give to your hubby, it will help him understand. Ask, beg him to read it. It helps a lot. My mom read it, she sorta understands now. She isn't one to ask for help, even when she needs it.

    As far as work.... you're correct, going in manic wasn't the best choice, but it is done. Let the haters hate. People will always find a reason to talk about someone/something. It's good that your friends aren't speaking about your problems.

    Good luck with the new counselor.

    Much love and hugs my friend.
  • maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    edited October 2016
    Sorry not been amswering its been a little raw, made an error of judgement friday night. Its been a tough month as ive explained. We are in a lot of debt and its been slowly strangling us plus all the stuff with awen is taking its toll. Prior to crating the dog he was causing some issues and work and neil are their own stressors. Went from down to up and started hearing voices and imagining i had bugs on my skin so they messed with my tablets, added a new one, increased my mood stabiliser and decreased my anti depressant and i bottomed out. Mood is pretty much worst has been for years just Cant see a way out of the hole. I took a cpl extra pills wed and thursday just to try and sleep and then friday i fell asleep on sofa and missed picking kids up from school. That night my thoughts just got away from me and i kissed both my kids, shook them awake and told them i loved them then went downstairs and took an overdose of codeine and diazepam. I just wanted the noise and pain to go away.

    Anyway laid there for half hour thinking about it and realised id been daft so i told neil who went mad. He couldnt take me to hospital bc he had smoked weed so stayed home with kids and i went up in taxi. They did bloods and kept me in for observation overnight. Initially resisted going to sleep but fell over three times on bed from falling asleep upright so settled and slept. Saw mental health team next day and my cpn yesterday. Im on weekly prescriptions of my meds now and weekly reviews with my nurse and have to go see my shrink next week. To be honest the feeling hasnt really gone away ive just kinda got a handle on it now and hoping it might eventually.

    Ive appreciated your messages and obestiy warrior i do keep reading yours in the hope it will sink in, get through the fog. Mostly im trying to self fix. Im sleeping a LOT. Still incredibly low even a shower feels like an epic task. But am gonna try to go to art tomorrow and do something not related to admin or the house. And my friend has been coming dog walking with me and my puppy adores her dog like his own mama so he is happy. Diet is a no go, not even pretending or weighing. But work is a no go for me at the moment too and my doctor is ringing tomorrow to discuss that.

    Carrie will try and look at book when i can process. At the mo i couldnt manage it.

    Are you guys ok
  • RunawayCurves
    RunawayCurves Posts: 688 Member
    I am glad some part of you realised it was a mistake and that you went to hospital. While you are feeling so bad you can not be expected to hold anything together. You alerted others to the situation and that is the right thing to do.
    When I am in that darkest space and also the numb space, both of those situations other than remind myself that my thoughts and feeling are distorted, I kind of treat it like being in a very unpleasant waiting room, I know the darkness or numbness will pass and I just have to wait it out, just keep breathing, keep being honest with people, keep distracting myself with anything I can. When you get really bad flu or you break a leg, with physical stuff like that there comes a certain level of acceptance, you say to yourself right I know I am going to feel sh1t or be in pain and life is going to be extra challenging, you accept it and wait it out. The same thing applies with mental breaks, when the sh1t hits the fan just wait it out. You can't snap back to being functional while mind is in crisis any more than you could if leg was broken. Things are what they are.
    You are a mother, you are needed, you don't have to be perfect you just have to keep showing up for those that love you. It does not matter what you think of yourself, people love you and they need and want you to stick around.

    I am ok, I am focusing on trying to eat right and have managed to do so for 3 weeks. I do struggle though and I find I can only focus on a very limited number of things at once. When I am in a crisis food is the last thing I focus on because it just is not a priority compared to more pressing issues while in crisis, if binge eating junk helps me get through an evening and keeps me out of hospital then I think fair enough and I let myself eat.healthy eating is something I only have the luxury to focus on while more stable. I can't make myself stay stable so I may never achieve my weight goals but at least by tackling it when I can I do some damage limitation. I know I would be bed bound by obesity if I did not at least make it part of my priority list when I am more stable. In time I still hope to get through things without having to use food but we can only do our best. No one other than ourselves knows how much we are truly dealing with and how much we can take on at any given time. I am glad you are still with us, please stay still with us.
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,104 Member
    Lise, this hurts my heart so much... I wish I could wave a magic wand and ease all this for you.

    I'm so so so far beyond happy that you told your husband... I can't imagine how dark this world would be without you in it...just saying, no pressure or expectation.

    I'm trudging through the mess my health is right now, and have a meeting with my doc coming up soon, but too much in life is still stressful and exhausting and confusing...

    (hugs) (hugs) and more (hugs)...

    If I can help in any way from across the pond, don't hesitate to holler...
  • carimiller7391
    carimiller7391 Posts: 1,091 Member
    Lise, I love you darling and thank you for telling your husband what you did. Your daughters and hubby need you around and the world would be a much darker place without you.

    I know you feel like right now you are drowning in a brown paper bag and cannot claw your way out. What I'm finding helps most is allowing myself to feel, writing down said feelings to get them out of me and knowing 100% without a doubt..... it will get better. I'm battling my own depression right now, and Greg-my doctor is changing my meds. I've been diagnosed a lot longer than you, I am more used to the cycling of the moods every 3-4 days and have learned what does and doesn't work for me. Writing and coloring seem to calm my racing thoughts and cheer me up as getting rid of the negative thoughts help.

    Much love and hugs
  • maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    Thanks everyone. Well its been nearly a week, six days. Am still not brill but better than a week ago for definitely. Still get the thoughts but am managing to keep a grip of them for the time being. My cpn came out monday and rang yesterday. I am being referred for art therapy and dbt. I have my psychiatry Review on eighteenth oct now and see my nurse again on nineteenth. My own doctor has signed me off til the first november to give time for any changes made to start to take effect. And i had my first counsellor session today. We talked about what happened last week and neil and i and she noted i seemed incredibly low. I also talked about work and found myself telling her about the horrible case from new years even 2014 where i lost the three year old who was weeks younger than my daughter. And despite the fact venlafaxine historically stop me crying i broke down when i told her. She thinks im still grieving and have linked the baby with my daughter in my head and need to explore it further next time.

    Diet wise im awful, sofa, chocolate, icecream, cheese. Its all going in. But i started to think about alternatives today and how good i felt on high protein. Its still just kicking around my head for now though.

    Everyone ese?
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,104 Member
    Me, I'm okay, but chaotic. A friend talked me into trying to go back to school. I have wanted to but couldn't figure out where to start. Not sure what I'm doing for now, but long term looking at something in the nutrition/life coach/health guide/counseling type field. I don't know quite yet where I'll want to go with it...

    But I'm scared beyond belief...but it's all planning so far, so no panic reflex. Might not even happen, etc.

    Aside from that, mostly level...wish my guy was...

    Anyway, I'm glad you went to counseling and that Neil went with you. and yeah, I remember that case and how badly it shook you up. Definitely worth talking about. I hope you find some way to work through all this...

    As long as you're doing all the crappy stuff, make sure you're hitting all your nutrient needs, as much as you can, too... HUGS
  • RunawayCurves
    RunawayCurves Posts: 688 Member
    I am glad you are being given some time off from working and that you are getting help. I can't imagine how traumatising that incident must have been. Sometimes we are hurting over things even more than we realise. I often break down in floods of tears over stuff that i thought I had already dealt with but clearly had not finished dealing with. I think letting that pain out and having it witnessed by supportive people can be healing. We put so much effort into the putting on a brave face and keeping going thing, but really giving in and having a decent cry is more healthy I think, however many crys it takes. I broke down crying few weeks ago over a teacher that died over 20 years ago. I cried so much all those years ago that I would not have thought I needed to cry over her death anymore but I did need to cry more and I may cry over her more still in future. Denying our pain does not lessen it. I have heard good things about dbt, not available where I am sadly. I hope it helps you.

    I am doing ok, been feeling very munchy this week and eaten more but have not binged. It was date night for me with my gentleman friend last night. It is so nice to set a few hours aside and just enjoy each other's company, putting aside all our stresses for those few hours. I drank a bit more than I had intended but was not drunk and resisted the urge for a pudding after our meal. It was a nice evening. Sometimes I find I live just for those evenings, wish I could stay in that bubble all of the time. It is so important though to have times set aside to recharge and unwind with loved ones.
  • carimiller7391
    carimiller7391 Posts: 1,091 Member
    I posted this somewhere else, but this is me.... right now.... how I feel.

    So I know I've been posting how sick and tired I am of feeling like I am tethered to tracking, so I gave it up. NEVER should have done that for myself or, better yet, to myself. Who the heck was I kidding when I thought I could do this without tracking. YES, I am very tired of feeling like food is all I think about. Planning, tracking, making, you name it... I know you guys and gals know exactly what I mean.

    So what happened since 10.01.16 when I started this. I've gained 12 lbs in 16 days. I know that I cannot do SP. To me, it is way to restrictive and feels like a diet. But that's just my opinion. I know others are having great success with it and give them KUDOS for being able to do it.

    All my dad ever wanted for me was to lose the weight and be happy and healthy. I've been fooling myself by saying, I'm big but healthy. It won't last like that forever. One day, this weight will ca ch up with me and it scares the dickens out of me.

    So what am I doing now? Well, after careful journaling and consideration, I've decided to start back on points plus again. Leon was kind enough to send me the link to the weight watchers info for PP. Thanks again Leon!!!

    I do not believe right now it helps that I am in the midst of a severe depression that started 04.09.16 when I had to euthanize my best friend whom I had for 16 wonderful years. Then the passing of my father 07.17.16.... Just seems like one thing after another this year and I haven't caught a break. My doctor is wonderful though. He's added Cymbalta to my med regimen. (I also suffer horribly from bipolar disorder-cycling ever 3-5 days when not in the midst of an episode).

    I also have separated myself from 90% of the people that at one time I considered to be close friends, including my best friend of 28 years. I know, they say not to make major life decisions when going through a manic or depression episode, but I truly did not feel as though these people are or have been there for me for some time. One sided friendships, not what I need. What I needed was some support... It actually got to the point where I tried to find work where I wouldn't have to leave the house and just be a hermit. Can't get hurt if I don't put myself out there. My therapist talked me out of this decision though. I've actually landed a part time job at a local Staples working a couple nights a week and weekends to get me working face to face with the public again. Right now, my job has me tethered to a phone for 7.5 hours a day working in a call center sitting all day long. The only interaction I have with people is my coworkers and the people on the other end of the phone. I'm truly hoping face to face interaction with the public not only earns me a paycheck, but also helps the depression.

    Well, vent/rant over as my eyes are swollen with tears. Just typing this out helps. Thanks for reading.

    Much love!
  • maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    edited October 2016
    Sorry Cari im not ignoring this just not in the best place to reply. Glad you are back on a plan and being helped. But am sorry you are feeling so low. Hope the cymbalta helps. Personally that and olanzapine were the worst drugs i ever took but could end up being exactly what you need. So much huge congrats on the job you have no idea how proud we all are of you right now. I am sure it will do your self esteem wonders.

    For me im still off plan. Saw my shrink who said i was depressed (duh) and wanted to up my AD again but i said no because i just go manic everytime they do. So he essentially told me to pick an alternative. I argued with him for a while and we negotiated it out to prozac. Its also licenced for ME and mine is shocking at the moment. So im on a crossed taper lowering the effexor and starting prozac with a view to doubling the dose in a fortnight if needed. Hes currently not treating my anxiety or sleep unless it gets worse so im very edgy at the mo at essentially playing roulette with my tablets whilst also having sleep issues and anxiety left til they cripple me AND being due back to work in the middle of the med taper. Im gonna Book an appt with my gp anyway about my ME pain being much worse and having limited pain relief options due to lithium and a mole on my back and lump on my leg that needs checking so while there i can ask about maybe another week on my note to get over my med change. I dont know i just feel like i fail everytime i ask for more time off but im nowhere near whole and stable right now. My anxiety is horrible and im functioning but really low and doing a good job of hiding it. My counsellor picked up on both today. Had a long rambling confusing session talking about grieving, work burnout and my need for control and stability. Did have an aha moment though when i realised ive been controlled from a young age causing my own control issues exacerbated by a job where chaos is ride and am only now learning to defend myself from it all by fighting back in a constructive rather than destructive manner and that i distance myself from my family through fear of being judged or deemed to have failed and let everyone down. Its really hard learning to open up and trust
  • carimiller7391
    carimiller7391 Posts: 1,091 Member
    Lise, don't feel bad about asking for another week. If I had time right now, I'd be home dealing with this depression I'm in, in a different manner. Not sure if me being of work is such a good thing though. At least getting up and coming to work makes me get out of bed in the am. Something I need right now. OR, I would lye in bed all day long.
  • maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    edited October 2016
    Im Seriously giving consideration to it. As it stands at the moment im having withdrawal from the drop in venlafaxine. Ive been shaky and headachy with an upset stomach. And am super low and anxious. And in four days it drop again to nothing but will be a week after that before i can go to a full dose of prozac at forty mg which i think i will need. So i will be still potentially withdrawing the day im due back at work.

    On bright side lump on my leg and mole on my back are not sinister which is a relief. Gp wasnt muchhelp over the ME pain essentially tellibg me i was at my pain relief ceiling with paracetamol since i Cant take ibuprofen on lithium and dont want codeine in my house after overdosing. She also said id have to book a second appt for the fibro pressure test but didnt seem too well informed on ME and fibro saying there was no cross over and you dont get pain with ME. So gonna Book again with adifferent doctor and mentioning sick note
  • carimiller7391
    carimiller7391 Posts: 1,091 Member
    Lise, I've been decreasing the venlafaxine. It bites. The withdraw is horrible.
  • KnitOrMiss
    KnitOrMiss Posts: 10,104 Member
    Sending hugs all around. I remember that stuff. I didn't know better, so I cold turkeyed it when I did it, but luckily, I'd been on the lowest dose, so it wasn't too terrible. My ex had a much harder time.

    My daughter is starting to shows stronger signs of the clinical anxiety my ex has, far beyond the normal stuff. Since I'm not heavily involved, I don't know how to dive in to make sure she's getting the talk therapy and/or medication she might need NOW, so as to have as level a life as possible. It manifested with her in elementary school, definitely his side of the mental stuff rather than mine, and eased off for a bit, but now seems back in full force. Of course, being a high school student in these turbulent times is probably challenge enough...

    Any suggestions are appreciated.

    I truly wish this were all easier to manage, but it seems that we're all kind of tied to the struggle. More hugs all around.

    P.S. Lise - SOOOO proud of the incredibly rational decision about not wanting codeine in the house... Frankly, I'm a bit shocked it was even offered, considering...
  • maoribadger
    maoribadger Posts: 1,837 Member
    Id be suggesting she engaged with school. Usually most have access to services like counselling. Id also talk to your ex openly with out any blame apportion to come up with a game plan. If you Cant would she be amenable to talking to you herself maybe less as a parent child but more peer to peer. Last i reccomend Mood Gym a great free mental health resource she can access on her computer herself. You would have to google the url. Hope Thats some help.

    Im on 75now and 20 of prozac. In two days i go to none of effexor and 20 of prozac but will be another week before they consider the step up. Id avoid me next week...

    My mood is currently appalling. Lost my *kitten* with my kids today they were singing rock a bye baby and started singing about the baby came down and the baby was dead and i had aflashback while driving and lost it. Reduced my youngest to tears and my eldest to complete silence. My gecko is dying and i Cant afford to have him euthanised so neil who used to hunt is gonna do it later. So tomorrow is gonna be hell.

    Right now im not sure if iwant to drink, self harm or hide and isolation myself from everyone and everything or some combining of the above. Sorry