Mean Girl Question
slimzandra
Posts: 955 Member
My weight is currently up, about 30 pounds since my lowest in the past 2 years, sad to say and I have been struggling, but I keep plugging away.
I stopped smoking, not that I was a heavy smoker, but I would have a couple of cigarettes at the end of the day with a glass of wine or two. Both bad habits which I am happy to say are now gone! but I have substituted with food. Now, I am getting my head around a healthier lifestyle and doing LCHF again. That's the background...
For the mean girl question:
I have a co-worker who has been doing Weight Watchers and she has dropped 48 pounds! Yay for her! She looks great and I am happy for her because I know she has been really focused and feels the accomplishment. She and I have been going for lunch walks and we talk about our struggles. For the most part, I believe she is a good person, but I notice she tends toward being hypercritical of her other friends and a bit judgmental of things in general. That's fine, I don't like phony people and I admire her honesty and straight forward manner. I don't think of her as a BFF, just a friendly co-worker and acquaintance, who I've known for 12 years. She is the one who usually calls and initiates the walk. I tend to be busier, but I usually say OK and I do enjoy the break.
Lately, she has been walking much faster than me and doesn't slow down but walks ahead of me, saying, "come on, keep it going, Let's go." Keep in mind I'm 30 pounds heavier, she's 50 pounds lighter and I'm 10 years older. When she was heavy and I was thinner, I would walk at her pace. While I'm OK with 'encouragement', I've told her the pace is too much for me could she please slow down, but she doesn't. IF I just stop, she'll march in place and finally wait. Frankly, I think she's acting like a mean girl and I feel like I'm going to tell her so, but I don't want to alienate her either. Yesterday, I actually pulled a muscle in my hip walking up the hill and I'm a bit mad about it. The next time she asks, I'm just going to say, why are you asking to walk with me, if you really don't want to walk with me? So the question is, is she really being a mean girl or am I just feeling fat and lazy and should welcome the challenge she is offering? I feel like I need to acknowledge my feelings, but what would you do? Perhaps, I will just politely decline, citing that I have too much work. I really don't feel like being dragged around the office park again, it just wasn't fun and made me feel bad about my weight gain.
I stopped smoking, not that I was a heavy smoker, but I would have a couple of cigarettes at the end of the day with a glass of wine or two. Both bad habits which I am happy to say are now gone! but I have substituted with food. Now, I am getting my head around a healthier lifestyle and doing LCHF again. That's the background...
For the mean girl question:
I have a co-worker who has been doing Weight Watchers and she has dropped 48 pounds! Yay for her! She looks great and I am happy for her because I know she has been really focused and feels the accomplishment. She and I have been going for lunch walks and we talk about our struggles. For the most part, I believe she is a good person, but I notice she tends toward being hypercritical of her other friends and a bit judgmental of things in general. That's fine, I don't like phony people and I admire her honesty and straight forward manner. I don't think of her as a BFF, just a friendly co-worker and acquaintance, who I've known for 12 years. She is the one who usually calls and initiates the walk. I tend to be busier, but I usually say OK and I do enjoy the break.
Lately, she has been walking much faster than me and doesn't slow down but walks ahead of me, saying, "come on, keep it going, Let's go." Keep in mind I'm 30 pounds heavier, she's 50 pounds lighter and I'm 10 years older. When she was heavy and I was thinner, I would walk at her pace. While I'm OK with 'encouragement', I've told her the pace is too much for me could she please slow down, but she doesn't. IF I just stop, she'll march in place and finally wait. Frankly, I think she's acting like a mean girl and I feel like I'm going to tell her so, but I don't want to alienate her either. Yesterday, I actually pulled a muscle in my hip walking up the hill and I'm a bit mad about it. The next time she asks, I'm just going to say, why are you asking to walk with me, if you really don't want to walk with me? So the question is, is she really being a mean girl or am I just feeling fat and lazy and should welcome the challenge she is offering? I feel like I need to acknowledge my feelings, but what would you do? Perhaps, I will just politely decline, citing that I have too much work. I really don't feel like being dragged around the office park again, it just wasn't fun and made me feel bad about my weight gain.
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If it were me: when she calls I'd politely decline "Thanks for the offer I have loved our walks in the past but lately they haven't been much of an opportunity to talk and they're not working for me health wise what with pulling a muscle last time. "
If you want you can make this offer. "I'll be going out for a walk at my pace at xx:xx and if you'd like to join me on that walk I would enjoy chatting with you." But only make that offer if you do like chatting with her, and actually want to!
IMHO, it's important to acknowledge your feelings, it's important to identify what you miss about the walks with her in the past, and it's important to recognize you are on your own health paths and occasionally, those don't cross, they go in opposite directions.
PS Good for you quitting the smokes! Everyone. EVERYONE I know who has quit has gained some weight initially while they find their new equilibrium.9 -
I'd just be straight up and say you can't maintain her pace. It is what it is. Some people intentionally walk faster than whomever they are with and it's a ridiculous battle to fight.6
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I have a feeling she's trying to help motivate (albeit in a PITA way) and not intentionally being mean.
I wouldn't call her out on in, but I'd also decline the next invitation "I like walking with you, but I can't walk that fast right now". She might offer to slow down. If not, no loss.
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She might be mean, or she may be torn at wanting to walk with you, but also feel like she's getting a workout in. If it's the latter, have her buy a small backpack and load it with some weight. Then she can still walk slower and be with you, but still get a workout in and you don't have to over-do it to keep up. If she's mean, well then decline the walks and find a real friend!4
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Sounds like it is causing too much stress both emotionally and physically. Let her know how great she is doing and that you want and need to go at a slower pace, so will.
Her goals are hers and your goals are yours. The reason she is walking faster doesn't really matter. She is. You're not. It's no longer an appropriate match.
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I love the suggestions above. I would just be honest. "I'm thrilled for you that you've made such awesome progress. My physical limitations and doctor's restrictions won't currently let push as far as you can. Leisurely walking and activity are what I need right now. If you need to push yourself further, please do so, but that is not what my health REQUIRES currently. Thanks."
You could also use the pulled muscle as an out. "Sadly, I pulled a muscle while going up the hill yesterday. It will be a while before I can push myself at any level again."
Or, "Thank you for trying to challenge me to better myself. I truly appreciate when someone challenges me without bullying me into more than my body can handle."
But, I think it's more that she has probably made the strides in her weight loss and health gains that she has made by being pushed or challenged. She's probably hearing her own excuses when you tell her that it's too much for you, and she likely truly thinks she's helping you by forcing you to push through it. If you suspect this to be the case, I would probably tell her, eye to eye, no walking, clearly that you love that the walks and health progress she's made push her to help herself, but for you, and where you are in your physical health right now, you're not able to push the same way she does, and that in fact, it's hurtful to you, proven by the pulled muscle. You can tell her that you know she means well, but instead of feeling motivated, you feel bullied, and you know that isn't her intention, etc...
Best of luck!2 -
What kind and thoughtful answers! Good Advice Thanks guys, I needed some perspective. I sometimes have trouble articulating my feelings without offending the other person. I know calling her a mean girl, wasn't going to win her over as a friend.
I'm feeling angry and sad and a whole bunch of other emotions, probably a bit of jealousy too, if I'm being completely honest with myself. 5 -
slimzandra wrote: »I'm feeling angry and sad and a whole bunch of other emotions, probably a bit of jealousy too, if I'm being completely honest with myself.
:hug: And that's fine too.
Gain is never fun. But you stopped smoking!! GO YOU!!!! Now that you've conquered that, you know LCHF is the way to meet your other goals. You've got this.
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Identifying your emotions and putting together a thoughtful course of action is such a smart course of action. And important! And yes, I for one, have been in that jealous place too. In my case it was with a really good friend who lost a good 50lbs as I was putting some on post pregnancy...I wasn't in a good place. And acknowledging that doesn't make it better but at least it lets you be rational for a moment and not react out of a negative emotional state!3
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I think she's just insensitive, not meaning to be mean. I am pretty short and cannot keep up with two of them women in my office who are 4-6 inches taller than me. When I tried walking with them, it was difficult and they would try to slow down but it was clear they felt like a horse being held back. They did not enjoy it and neither did I so we just stopped.
You have to walk at a pace that works for you and if you find someone who can accompany you, even better.3 -
I have a feeling she's trying to help motivate (albeit in a PITA way) and not intentionally being mean.
I wouldn't call her out on in, but I'd also decline the next invitation "I like walking with you, but I can't walk that fast right now". She might offer to slow down. If not, no loss.
This.
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I'm short and the woman I was talking about is also short and we both used to walk at the same pace. If anything I realize how much weight really impacts my mobility, especially when you're shorter.
Yea, I tried walking with a few of the taller women in our office and it really was the same dynamic you described Tish. They were just walking at their pace and I know they weren't trying to leave me behind, but this new thing feels different with 'my walking buddy', I do feel there is something else going on and it does feel very deliberate. I am trying to think before I react out of my own anger at myself, which is probably some of it. However, as someone who has struggled with her weight on and off since I've known her, it surprises (and saddens) me that she is being insensitive when I've asked her several times to go slower and she clearly sees and hears me struggling. I wouldn't do that to someone else. Perhaps she is telling me she has outgrown our friendship. I could live with that too.
If she wants a workout then she could ask one of the tall ladies to go. I'm not asking her to go for the walk. Many times I've told her I'm swamped and she's coaxed me to go anyway. She and I have discussed that Ms. J and Ms. K walk really fast when the four of us have gone together. This feels more like she's deliberately putting it in my face. Any way, You're right, I need chill and just do me.
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@slimzandra - the fact that she's coaxed you into going even when you didn't want to go tells me that she is likely either:
1. projecting onto you her own struggles (that if she isn't pushed, she can't succeed, so automatically, no matter your verbal objections, this MUST be your need too, because she isn't sensitive enough to realize that each person is unique. That pushing and challenging is the ONLY SUCCESSFUL TOOL, etc.)
or
2. that you're her motivation, for better or worse (she can't do it without being the best/the bully (she has to walk with you and be better than you to feel good about herself, etc.), which sadly sometimes happens to folks who don't do all the mental work alongside the physical stuff.)4 -
I've been the fast walker, and its hard on that side too. The walk serves a couple purposes -- getting my steps in without having to go to a gym or mall after work, and catching up with a friend (or friendly acquaintance, as the case may be). When those two purposes clash, it can be frustrating for both people. I want to see my friend and chat, but if I have to spend an extra half-hour walking, it starts to eat away at my enjoyment. Maybe I can't spend that much time away from my desk -- so I'll have to walk again in the evening, or not get my steps in for the day, etc. At that point, I'd rather walk alone and find time for a lunch or after-dinner drinks with the friend where I can focus solely on the friendship, apart from the exercise.
It just sounds like your needs have diverged, and to preserve the friendship it may be better not to walk together.6 -
If you still want to walk with her (either because you like her or just need motivation), I love the suggestion of the weighted vest/backpack. Many times people who successfully lose weight are excited and think they have found the "answer" to losing weight and think it is for everyone... And they forget that they didnt know the "answer" themselves not that long ago, and it makes them feel a little superior to those still struggling and frustrated that despite their best efforts you are not embracing their "answer". So try to appeal to that side of her... Compliment her and say "Wow you know, you are doing just awesome! You look great, and obviously what you are doing is really working for you! I am so proud of you! I hope someday to get into the same grove you have, and I would love any tips you want to share on our walks as its great having someone to talk to. I just feel really bad holding you back as you obviously are not challenged any more walking with me. Maybe if you wore a weighted vest to up your resistance then walking slower would still be a challenge for you so you can get in your exercise? If not, maybe every time you get ahead of me you could stop and do pushups until I catch up? Then when you need a rest you can walk a little slower so we can talk?"
Good luck 4 -
Many times people who successfully lose weight are excited and think they have found the "answer" to losing weight and think it is for everyone... And they forget that they didnt know the "answer" themselves not that long ago, and it makes them feel a little superior to those still struggling and frustrated that despite their best efforts you are not embracing their "answer".
YES.
literally the most true thing I've read all day.
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slimzandra wrote: »I'm feeling angry and sad and a whole bunch of other emotions, probably a bit of jealousy too, if I'm being completely honest with myself.
:hug: And that's fine too.
Gain is never fun. But you stopped smoking!! GO YOU!!!! Now that you've conquered that, you know LCHF is the way to meet your other goals. You've got this.
I second all of this. ^^^^ Best thing my hubby did was stopping smoking, he put on a few lbs. but they came off VERY easily (yea, he's a guy, so it would) I'm sure you WOE will get your where you want to be.
Just decline to walk due to the injury, no need to say anything beyond that.1 -
Thank you so much for the encouragement about quitting smoking, it's been 3 mos. HOOT. It was a NYs resolution. It also helped that I went away on vacation where there was no smoking in the hotel or in the rental car. After I came back I caught the flu for 3 weeks, where I could hardly breath anyway! I think about it more than I crave it. I've felt it was more of a habit/routine/ritual thing vs. nicotine addiction so fortunately it wasn't terribly difficult for me to just go cold turkey.
I have to very much agree also about not embracing her "answer". Esp. my co-worker's interest in WW and mine with LCHF. I went with her a couple of times to a meeting at lunch and I didn't care for tracking with points, sugary treats, or what I felt like was an "AA" and shaming atmosphere. The leader's mantra was "You ate=You bad" and it wasn't for me personally. Perhaps, that is coming in play as well. I generally find relationships with people to be difficult, but necessary. Give me a puppy any day.3 -
WW is so totally dependent on the person running it...I lost the weight after baby #3 using WW because they come to where I work and I'm lazy...it was awesome in the beginning because we had an amazing gal running things, always supportive, always problem solving, always giving good solid answers to questions, always encouraging members to share ideas and encourage each other - such an inspiring environment...but over the years we had changes in our coordinators, and many of them were just not that good, very weak personalities, or very pushy about there only being one good answer and not generating the kind of open and sharing environment that was helpful to me. I have my lifetime membership, but I don't go to the meetings because I don't enjoy them any more.
As for walking, pick up a set of 1 lb ankle weights for your walking buddy, that should slow her down a bit and still keep her burning calories even with a slower walking pace...I've had a lot of walking buddies over the years, some faster, some slower, and have varied ankle weights from none to 5 lbs each - the other day I twisted my ankle and I was the one telling my (usually slower) partner to slow down a bit!!! It's nice to get out of the office and blow off some steam and get in some exercise, there are ways to adapt so that both of you can get what you want out of the workout!!!2 -
I have no advice to add. This group gives GREAT advice! I just wanted to add congratulations on stopping smoking!! WTG. 2
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good job on quitting g smoking. I would not like it if someone was trying to coax me faster...it is how injuries happen. that being said on my work days I have 2 15 minute breaks and a 30 min break. I want to walk fast and get heart rate up. I prefer to walk alone for this reason. I'm not out for air I'm out for my best I can do within the time I have. sometimes someone joins me. I walk slower to not make the person feel bad but I'm not getting what I need out of the workout. I prefer to sneak out on my own. I walk at a speed that I can't talk or I'm not walking fast enough. so I see the other side but I would never be mean about it.
maybe when she calls to walk thank her for the reminder and go for a walk but let her know it's ok for her to go at her pace and not wait for you.
I have lost almost 70 lbs. in the past when others were loosing I always said you look great way to go etc etc..was very encouraging. I am not getting that from those people now that it's me loosing. it bothered me at first but now I realized this is for me and it is what it is. I do not judge what others eat but I choose what I eat just as they choose what they eat.
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I'd have to disagree with the advice about adding weights while walking. Ankle and wrist weights distort our natural movement patterns and up our chances of injury. Ankle weights especially can be a trip to the chiropractor about to happen. Wearing a weight vest or carrying a backpack is generally okay if you have no back issues to deal with.4
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I usually walk rather fast, and when I'm with people I sometimes forget. My mother is always reminding me to slow down so we can walk together. Try telling this to her, maybe she is not doing it on purpose, but if she continuous to be like that and you're not comfortable mean girl or not, stop walking with her.
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