Do you ever feel guilty or as if you're taken less seriously because you have less to lose?

Do you ever feel guilty or as if you're taken less seriously because you have less to lose?

I'm a little under 5'2", a little over 113 pounds, I have a very high body fat percentage (30%) and I feel awful about my weight (physically, I'm OK). Historically, this is an extremely high weight for me, as much of my life I was in the 90s and my bf% must have been in the low 20s or below. Now that I'm older, and have been more sedentary, a little weight and fat gain might be acceptable, but this is too much.

It's a struggle to which I have to keep recommitting myself. As you know, the last 15 to 10 pounds can be the hardest. Yet I sometimes feel a little guilty in the other forum threads when I read about people needing to lose 100 pounds. Sometimes, I can't believe the numbers I'm reading. I don't mean this as a judgment, but as a statement: How did people let themselves get that heavy (I am not counting people who gained weight because of medication or an actual metabolic disorder.)? I'm often reluctant to post about my problems for fear of being dismissed or someone even thinking I'm humble-bragging. I get tired of writing that for some people 1,200 calories a day is actually too many calories to lose weight and that not everyone who is 100 pounds is anorexic.

Do any of you ever feel this way?

Replies

WallyAmadeus

I hear you. I'm 5 ft 8 inches, and about 147 lbs. By most people's standards, I'm fine. But a lot of people's standards, I'm at their goal. However, for me this is an abnormally high weight. For most of my adult life, I was about 128 to 130, then I started infertility treatments..and after 5 rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization which involves countless hormone injections), my weight began to creep up. It was worth it, we have one really good kid, but for a very long time this hasn't really felt like "my" body.

I don't participate in other discussion groups on MFP and I don't think about other people's weights. I don't think people find it supportive, and that, for me, is that the discussion boards are all about.

I'm happy to find this discussion group. It is hard to lose weight, no matter what your weight, and I think the participants here understand that.

Verdenal

WallyAmadeus wrote: »

I hear you. I'm 5 ft 8 inches, and about 147 lbs. By most people's standards, I'm fine. But a lot of people's standards, I'm at their goal. However, for me this is an abnormally high weight. For most of my adult life, I was about 128 to 130, then I started infertility treatments..and after 5 rounds of IVF (in vitro fertilization which involves countless hormone injections), my weight began to creep up. It was worth it, we have one really good kid, but for a very long time this hasn't really felt like "my" body.

I don't participate in other discussion groups on MFP and I don't think about other people's weights. I don't think people find it supportive, and that, for me, is that the discussion boards are all about.

I'm happy to find this discussion group. It is hard to lose weight, no matter what your weight, and I think the participants here understand that.

sardelsa

I tend not to talk about my weight loss goals too much with people around me. My goals are a bit different than others, even after a bulk I am still fairly lean and within a healthy weight range, people don't even notice I have gained or have to cut down. Right now I am at a very healthy weight and lean bodyfat % but I am still losing, just to get my bodyfat down even more to bulk again. Not many people get it.

Here on MFP I participate in posts where I can help.. usually in bodybuilding posts (especially the gaining forum), new moms, people with misconceptions about weight loss or weight lifting. That sort of thing. There are many other members who have lost significant amounts of weight so I let them help those who have a lot to lose as they can offer better advice in that department.

WallyAmadeus

I hear you on weight associated issues. My father ate himself into Type 2 diabetes and spent his "golden years" having strokes, heart attacks, and then bed ridden. My mother ate herself into a stroke which rendered herself immobilized, incontinent and with a part of her mind gone. I want to look good, but I also want to live a healthy, vital, active life till the end. And, I don't want that child we had after the rounds of IVF to spend his weekends at the nursing home talking to his mother's inert body, as I did for many years.

JeepHair77

Oh, yes. I totally hear you. Even at my heaviest, when I first joined here, I wasn't technically "overweight," I just wasn't happy with how I looked or felt. I wasn't at my best. But I definitely felt... weird talking about it. "Guilty" isn't quite the right word, but I certainly knew that my problem wasn't relatable to a lot of people.

I NEVER talked about it to people I know IRL. That's the place I would get the least amount of understanding and support. The boards, here, though have been great. Sure, there are discussions I don't feel I can contribute to, but I also find that there are a LOT of people here that are similar to us - not a lot to lose, or totally different goals. I've loved finding this group.

WallyAmadeus

Thank you. I have the added problem of being around a lot of people who have given up the fight and are obese. I often find myself thinking, "Who cares? I should just let myself go like them." It's even harder when one is older and sees that attitude. But I don't want to do that. I want to look good, feel good, and to the extent possible, avoid the weight-associated health problems that many members of my family have developed.

Best of luck to you with your own goals.[/quote]

I would add to this: The majority of this country is overweight, so I think it is way, way, way, way, way too easy for me to rationalize a body size which isn't the best size for me...because when I go to the grocery, a mall, and particularly on places where families vacation, almost everyone is carrying extra weight.

Also, in this country, more so than in other countries I've visited there are no cultural food rules. We eat in our cars, on the street, we can eat enormous portions, we can eat nonstop...and it is all perfectly acceptable. I don't advocate that our country change...to each their own...but if you are working on an ideal weight such as I am...there are far more inducements to give up than to persist.

mom23mangos

At my highest weight (111), my BMI was 21.7 and ~22% BF. That's perfectly normal and I know most MFP users would be ecstatic to be there, but for me I felt huge and uncomfortable. I think it's completely different for people who were thin for all of their life and then put on a little bit of weight vs. people who have been overweight for all of their life and are trying to lose large amounts. It's very hard for the two people to relate to each other.

Like @WallyAmadeus, a huge motivation for me is to remain active and healthy for as long as possible. The women in my family live long, long lives. I don't want to have osteoporosis and break hips and other bones like my grandmother. I want to keep my muscle mass and balance so falling isn't even likely when I'm in my 90's.

Last year when I was actively losing weight, I did talk to a few people IRL about it because we had a family bet going. But I made sure people knew I wasn't trying to lose much and really more reduce my BF%. One person summed it up when they said "Oh! They're trying to lose weight and you're just getting ripped."

I will say that I have not ever gotten back down to my "normal" adult weight and I carry an additional 5-10lbs. But with my current lifestyle I'm just not willing to restrict myself enough to get back there. While I'd still feel most comfortable around 95lbs (BMI 18.5), at my age I'm willing to live with a little fluff. Because I don't see my lifestyle ever matching what it was like when I weighed that again. I can comfortable hold 101-105lbs without logging, lifting 4x/week for 1hr and biking 15-30mi per week.

glassofroses

I suppose I can shed a bit of light on the whole 'huge amount to lose' situation. It wasn't like I woke up one day and OMG, I'm huge. I'm tall to start with, almost 6', and my weight distributed pretty evenly and at my heaviest my BMI was only 30.2. Obese, yes, but I wasn't pushing the boundaries of morbidity. The point of when you have that much to lose is that it came on so slowly that you didn't notice. I started gaining when I was maybe 18/19 up until I started my journey at 26. It's a gain of less than a 1lb a month -- I've lost 80lbs but I only needed to lose 58lbs to be 'healthy'

And honestly, you can phrase it as a statement but to even ask the question is a judgement. A completely normal one, I might add. Most people can't understand because at the end of the day, no one shoved the food into my mouth, but our reasons for gaining as much as we do is always different which is what a lot of people who don't have the weight to lose don't always appreciate. Take me for example: my issues started with the fact I didn't weigh myself for much of my 20s because I suffered with two eating disorders in my early teens and disordered eating related to my IBS: eating was painful if I ate the wrong foods but I didn't know what foods they were so I avoided most things apart from sugar and certain vegetables. So what started off as necessary ignorance turned into...not willful, but excessive blindness to my situation. I was still active, walking and doing what I wanted to do but it was just harder. I have asthma so it's easy to rationalise breathlessness as that and my joints hurting as my hypermobility, which leaves me with painful joints whatever size I am. What pushed me to my heaviest weight was finding out my mother has secondary breast cancer (incurable and eventually terminal) on top of my father who is having palliative dialysis for kidney failure as he is too ill (with many other complicated illnesses) for a transplant. I just gave up caring. What was the point if bad things were happening to good people? But her getting sick is also the reason why I said no more. I can't take care of anyone if I can't take care of myself so I moved it to lose it.

We're all on our own journeys but there is no reason that they can't mesh. I'm trying to maintain/gain a bit of weight after having an appendectomy but I still weigh in with the ladies trying to lose weight in the monthly accountability thread. Should I feel guilty for trying to gain when they're losing? Well it sucks if I should because I don't. We all have the same goal of being happier and healthier so don't feel like you have to limit yourself because you 'don't have that much to lose'. You just have to find your people who will support your goals. You're not friends with every type of person in your life, why would this be any different?

When it comes to the 1200 cal thing that's because of specific nutritional requirements for the body. The human female body can't get enough nutrients if you feed it less than 1200 calories. And often, especially women, they will eat 1200cals regardless of their height to lose the most amount of weight possible when if you're within 20lbs of your goal you shouldn't really be in a deficit larger than 0.5lbs a week. You begin to risk muscle mass at this point because your body doesn't have enough fat stores to mobilise for a 2lb loss. By the same token, you are quite small so I don't really know enough about nutrition for shorter women to comment in that regard so I won't, but when people argue about that it comes from a place of concern. Chronic undereating creates all kinds of problems that no one wants.

I know my reply is kind of long but I do get what you're saying. The main forum isn't for everyone. It's a lot of alpha opinions shouting at poor unsuspecting people and it can get overwhelming. It's why I stay in here as much as possible.

realsammysalamander

This is why I tend to keep my weight loss goals, troubles, trials, and other thoughts to myself. Everyone in my life has a significant amount to lose, and I was there a couple of years ago too. The whole process changes as you get closer to your goal, or at least it did for me. At the beginning, it was just getting educated, finding out ways to cut little bits off, and making gradual changes. Now, it's different, now I am trying to hone in on every little detail, I have less to lose, but it always seems harder. However, I notice when I lose 5 lbs now, and that positive feedback is nice.

I kinda get their thoughts because I went through it a long time ago, but time has a way of changing your prospective. They haven't gone through my current trials, so they use their experiences and it makes it hard for them to understand. It kind of sucks, as I would like to have that comradery I get from these people in other things, but that's ok. It's just different...

ETA: I know for me I got that heavy because I used food for comfort. There are a lot of other things surrounding that, but at the bottom of it food was what I turned to deal with life.

Verdenal

WallyAmadeus wrote: »

I hear you on weight associated issues. My father ate himself into Type 2 diabetes and spent his "golden years" having strokes, heart attacks, and then bed ridden. My mother ate herself into a stroke which rendered herself immobilized, incontinent and with a part of her mind gone. I want to look good, but I also want to live a healthy, vital, active life till the end. And, I don't want that child we had after the rounds of IVF to spend his weekends at the nursing home talking to his mother's inert body, as I did for many years.

Both my parents were obese and ate themselves into Type 2 Diabetes. My mother gained a huge amount of weight after quitting smoking (she made no effort to control her eating and would boast of eating a quart a day). Ultimately, she developed senile dementia because not enough blood reached her brain. She had to be put in a nursing home and go on Medicaid in order to pay those $400-a-day bills. My father has had a quintuple bypass. (I didn't even know that was possible.) He's had skeletal problems and can't walk well. My sisters have hypertension and one I think is pre-diabetic. My stepmother has had a knee replacement that may have been related to being obese.

Even though they were or are clinically obese it's hard for me process. For me, an obese person is enormous. But today, a really large person is 500 or 600 pounds. They're nowhere near that, but they weigh too much.

They were all thin in their youth.

Verdenal

realsammysalamander wrote: »

This is why I tend to keep my weight loss goals, troubles, trials, and other thoughts to myself. Everyone in my life has a significant amount to lose, and I was there a couple of years ago too. The whole process changes as you get closer to your goal, or at least it did for me. At the beginning, it was just getting educated, finding out ways to cut little bits off, and making gradual changes. Now, it's different, now I am trying to hone in on every little detail, I have less to lose, but it always seems harder. However, I notice when I lose 5 lbs now, and that positive feedback is nice.

I kinda get their thoughts because I went through it a long time ago, but time has a way of changing your prospective. They haven't gone through my current trials, so they use their experiences and it makes it hard for them to understand. It kind of sucks, as I would like to have that comradery I get from these people in other things, but that's ok. It's just different...

I miss the camaraderie. I wish there were someone IRL with similar weight problems with whom I could form a pact: Let's eliminate sugar this week.

Verdenal

mom23mangos wrote: »

I will say that I have not ever gotten back down to my "normal" adult weight and I carry an additional 5-10lbs. But with my current lifestyle I'm just not willing to restrict myself enough to get back there. While I'd still feel most comfortable around 95lbs (BMI 18.5), at my age I'm willing to live with a little fluff. Because I don't see my lifestyle ever matching what it was like when I weighed that again. I can comfortable hold 101-105lbs without logging, lifting 4x/week for 1hr and biking 15-30mi per week.

I would be ecstatic if I ever got down to 100, let alone 95. But I don't think it's realistic. I'm primarily interested in losing fat, and as my body fat percentage as soared the number on the scale would come down significantly if I lost some.

Verdenal

WallyAmadeus wrote: »

I would add to this: The majority of this country is overweight, so I think it is way, way, way, way, way too easy for me to rationalize a body size which isn't the best size for me...because when I go to the grocery, a mall, and particularly on places where families vacation, almost everyone is carrying extra weight.

Also, in this country, more so than in other countries I've visited there are no cultural food rules. We eat in our cars, on the street, we can eat enormous portions, we can eat nonstop...and it is all perfectly acceptable. I don't advocate that our country change...to each their own...but if you are working on an ideal weight such as I am...there are far more inducements to give up than to persist.

What's concerning to me is that so few people in the U.S. recognize that our habits have made us fat. I'm not putting it all on us -- Big Food, and sedentary jobs, etc., contribute and I think people at all weights should receive support if they want -- but if as an individual you want to lose or maintain a healthy weight you have to work at it. You have to think about what you're eating and figure out a way to get some exercise. It doesn't just happen. But some folks act as if you're a radical of some type to want to pursue this goal.

JadeQuetzal

I don't feel guilty, but I do get very frustrated. I grew up with a very active lifestyle helping on a friends farm, chopping wood all summer, riding my bike 6-10 miles a day, walking a lot to and from everywhere...

Long story short, I live in a suburban area now and have a desk job. Several years back I slowly gained 20-25 lbs. Nothing I did would help, until they finally found the thyroid cancer and remove it. Now I've finally got some sense of energy back, and I'm not passing up this chance to shed that extra weight. Every time I have tried to lose weight in the past, if I dare discuss it in the presence of someone heavier than me, I get nasty looks or comments (frequently telling me that I need to eat a sandwich instead of trying to lose weight). At this point I just sum up my health issues as a darn good reason to get in shape, and they always shut up. But no matter the reason, people should NOT discourage others from getting in shape. Of course we don't want people to develop eating disorders, but people also have this warped sense of what is actually healthy. What frustrates me is simply that if someone thinks I have no right to talk about weight loss, dieting, or exercising around them, then they ALSO have no right to talk about it around me. I'm not going to randomly start that topic when it can make so and so feel bad, but don't start that topic with me and then get mad that I actually joined in.

plasticineporters

I understand. I've had binge eating disorder for nearly 3 years and have stayed at comfortable but not so welcome 126lbs - miraculously, as I've been known to consume 3000 plus calories in a sitting. But when I speak of my woes I just get met with tuts and eye rolls and 'Stop looking for attention, you're so thin, people would die to look like you!' Annoying.

stephaniekaris85

Yes, I have about 7lbs to lose (5'3, 130lbs, 24%bf) and I am fed up of people telling my I dont need to lose. So I have found that not talking about it at all is easier.

sunflowerhippi

Yes, I have been doing bulk and cut sessions for so long that people seem to forget that in 2012 I was well over 200lbs! Many people only met me pre pregnancy at 150 or so and assume I only had to loose the "baby weight" not that I was obese my whole life up until 2012 so while I might only have 10lbs or so to loose right now I have lost a lot of weight twice in the past few years and know where those just starting out are, I know where new moms are, I did cardio only for a while too, I know most of the "bro-science" sugestions and tried a lot of fads. I have gotten rude and mean comments from people because I am "Skinny" now so how can I know. smh

Wow feels good to get that off my chest lol

skymningen

sunflowerhippi wrote: »

I have gotten rude and mean comments from people because I am "Skinny" now so how can I know. smh

That is so ridiculous. If skinny people cannot know how losing weight works, logically that means it is impossible to lose weight. Because who ever succeeded must have done it wrong.
Wow.

JeepHair77

skymningen wrote: »

sunflowerhippi wrote: »

I have gotten rude and mean comments from people because I am "Skinny" now so how can I know. smh

That is so ridiculous. If skinny people cannot know how losing weight works, logically that means it is impossible to lose weight. Because who ever succeeded must have done it wrong.
Wow.

YES! Like if I order the grilled chicken or skip dessert, people want to be like, "Why? You're so skinny - you don't have to worry about it!" Which logically, makes no sense at all.

Verdenal

skymningen wrote: »

sunflowerhippi wrote: »

I have gotten rude and mean comments from people because I am "Skinny" now so how can I know. smh

That is so ridiculous. If skinny people cannot know how losing weight works, logically that means it is impossible to lose weight. Because who ever succeeded must have done it wrong.
Wow.

They think she never had to struggle with being overweight. And deep down, some overweight people want to believe that losing weight and keeping it off is impossible because that lets them off the hook. I am not minimizing the difficulty.

I've never disrespected overweight people but back when my metabolism was young and normal I didn't completely appreciate how difficult it is to lose weight when it has to be a total lifestyle change. In the past, I could skip butter and bread for a week and I'd be fine.

We have a family friend who was overweight through her teens but you'd never believe it. She's significantly older than I and I only met her when she was an adult. She lost the weight and is fortunate in that she can't stand the texture of fat and creamy foods. So she is never tempted by foods like butter and ice cream. She's around 70 now, but also very physically active.

Verdenal

JeepHair77 wrote: »

skymningen wrote: »

sunflowerhippi wrote: »

I have gotten rude and mean comments from people because I am "Skinny" now so how can I know. smh

That is so ridiculous. If skinny people cannot know how losing weight works, logically that means it is impossible to lose weight. Because who ever succeeded must have done it wrong.
Wow.

YES! Like if I order the grilled chicken or skip dessert, people want to be like, "Why? You're so skinny - you don't have to worry about it!" Which logically, makes no sense at all.

I haven't been as good as I would have liked for several years but the reason I'm 113 pounds and not 130 is that I ate wisely. I knew that the easiest way to lose weight was not to gain it in the first place.

Several years ago, I was prescribed a medication that changed my metabolism. It wasn't strictly necessary and I told the doctor in no uncertain terms that I was going off it. I might be 200 pounds if I'd stayed on it. I felt exhausted and I couldn't simply exercise more, as the doctor suggested.