I want to look and feel fabulous

totaldetermination

I feel a bit melodramatic writing this because its not really all that bad.
But for me, its a rough period.

My roommate was given a box of chocolates and told me I could have some. I had one, then two, then...more than half the box. I was so embarrassed that I bought the same box to replace it. while I was out buying the replacement box, I was in the store surrounded by chocolates and bought a whole bunch more which i ate in the car. I'm now back at home, with a few chocolates left, as well as half the box of original chocolates.

I'm used to it being a rocky road with a few steps forward and a few steps back for me to get back on the wagon. I feel like this time its just a bit harder than usual. I don't know, maybe its not maybe its always this hard. but i just keep getting off track.

So since it helps me to write, I'm going to write in this thread. alot. all day if i have to.

So here is my plan. from tomorrow:
I'm going to have a yogurt for breakfast with 2 slices of toast.
I'm going to have a sandwich for lunch. any type. but only one.
I'm going to shop for dinner on my way home because I know that at that time I am not hungry and so I will make good choices.
I will eat my dinner.

Thats it. sounds simple.

totaldetermination

I realise that I'm not sure if I really want this badly enough.

Sometimes I really want to eat well, and despite really, really trying I can't manage.

But honestly, at the moment, I'm not sure if I'm really, really trying right now.

Yeah, sure I want it. But I think that if I wanted it more, or if I tried harder I actually would be doing better. these last few days I've just been allowing myself to over eat because it was easier than making the effort to try.

I know that its about habits rather than motivation. but right now I'm struggling to even create the habits.

totaldetermination

right now, Im thinking to myself.
I could turn things around right away. go and throw those extra chocolates away.

but then part of me thinks:
or just eat them and then start tomorrow.
(I really want those chocolates)

The problem is that every day i say tomorrow will be better and while its good to keep trying. if the days don't actually get better then I'm not going to lose weight.

totaldetermination

I am writing this with one hand on the keyboard, and chocolate in the other.

and now I have finished the chocolate

there is a bit more and I'm just going to eat it so that I can stop thinking about it.

totaldetermination

I am so stuffed with chocolate.
there is still more to go.

I'm just waiting for the stuffed feeling to go down so that I can eat the rest so that it is all gone. I wish that there was none left so that this would be over. I want this situation to be over.

I feel that as long as there is some left that its best if I just eat it. So I can put all this behind me. I know that isn't logical. Its like 'the diet starts on Monday' logic.

I know that I should just throw it away. But one of the reasons that I'm not throwing it away is because I don't want to leave evidence in the trash. I'm going to put it in and then take out the trash right away. I think that because I feel so stuffed, and I know where this is headed and I don't want to keep feeling so uncomfortable that I am motivated to do this. I actually feel grateful for the idea and the option. so that this is will be all over.

I'm going to do it.

totaldetermination

I did it.
I threw it away.

totaldetermination

I am very over my calories for the day.
I would love to just eat a light dinner and that's all.

I'm going to try keep on drinking water. to keep me feeling full.

totaldetermination

I want to write about why I want this.
As I said earlier, I can feel that although I want it, I don't want it enough. I'm not trying enough.
(Sometimes even when I really want to eat well I don't manage. But I know that at the moment, I'm not in that place. I can feel that I don't *really* want it.)

So, here are the reasons that I want to lose weight
(in the hope of inspiring me to *really* want this.)

1. I don't like the way I feel. I feel awful. I just feel like a blob.
2. I don't like the way my weight affects my self confidence. I'd be lying if I said it doesn't. I'm embarrassed to see people and for them to see that I have gained weight.
3. I don't like the way I look.
4. I'm worried that the weight gain will continue.

thinking about all those points, I'm going to try to express them as positives.

1. I want to feel fabulous.
2. I want my looks to contribute positively to my self confidence
3. I want to love the way I look
4. I want to stop the weight gain.

I think in short, I want to look and feel fabulous. and I know that I can because I have been there before.

totaldetermination

the title of this thread started off as
'I'm having a hard time'

then I went back and edited it to
'A plan to succeed'

I have just changed it again to be
'I want to look and feel fabulous' based on the previous post.

totaldetermination

I can feel my motivation very slowly increasing.

I really want to keep going.
I want to look and feel fabulous.
I can do this. I know that I can.

In that regard I'm very fortunate - I have done it successfully in the past. So I know that I can do it again.

I also have a life which is flexible enough for this not to be too hard. There are many people with much more difficult life circumstances than I have.

Without a doubt, the biggest challenge is me.
But I really really do want to look and feel fabulous. I want it. I really do want it.

and I have to focus all that wanting into self-control.

At the end of the day no one can do this for me. If I don't control myself then I will continue to gain weight, and I don't want that.

I want to look fabulous.
I want to feel fabulous.
and I want to feel fabulous about the way I look.

totaldetermination

OK, that was one hour of self motivation talk.

I feel better - more positive and also more confident in my ability to do this.

tcunbeliever

You are amazing!!!

totaldetermination

@tcunbeliever wow. thank you. I really didn't expect a response like that. i'm a bit speechless. but thankyou.

totaldetermination

I didn't eat any more food yesterday, so at least that's a positive. though I was so full of chocolate that I really wasn't hungry.

on to today's plan:
breakfast will be toast and yogurt,
lunch will be one sandwich,
and I will buy something for dinner on my way home from work.

and I will drink water. alot of water.

totaldetermination

I am feeling slightly more determined.

totaldetermination

After a solid day yesterday, I bought a croissant with my morning coffee this morning.
not good, but its ok - I can recover.

I have made a decision not to let this spiral out of control. My actions are my choice. and I choose to put the croissant behind me and get back on my plan.

totaldetermination

I am still feeling a bit shaken by the croissant and I am about to go into a meeting which will almost certainly have a lot of temptations. I am writing this to remind myself that I have a choice and I can chose not to eat foods which will take me off my plan. the decision is entirely mine. This is my chance to put this mornings croissant more firmly behind me. I can do this.

totaldetermination

I chose well. Lunch went well. this morning's croissant is a distant memory.

totaldetermination

Gosh - I got through the day ok. i'm happy about that.

PrimalJillian

This is such a perfect thread! I am in the exact space with the mental battle to stop indulging. Your first few posts expressing the options to just finish the chocolates or throw them out after eating so much of it already are so on point. I usually choose to just finish it all when I'm in that position, at least lately that has been the trend again. Thank you so much for sharing this. I may follow your lead when my motivation is being challenged by food, and just write as many entries as I need to work through it.

totaldetermination

@jilliancreates writing about my feelings, thoughts and actions increases my self awareness and makes me more accountable - I hope it helps you .

For me, I know that I can't really stop at one and I use the thought of where it might end up to stop me having even the first one. this usually helps. But the down side is that if I do eat one then in a way I've set myself up to eat more than one because I told myself it would happen. So stopping myself after 'just one' or 'just two', is also important.

this is so hard. But I know that we can do it !!!

totaldetermination

Yesterday ended well and I have woken today feeling positive.

I'm going to refocus and keep my end goal in mind.

I want to look and feel fabulous.
I'm going to take a moment to actually think about that, and to really feel it.

I want to look and feel fabulous.

The ordering on that statement is not quite right. It is more important to me to feel fabulous than it is to look fabulous. but it rolls off the tongue better this way, so I'll leave it as it is.

I want to look and feel fabulous. for me. I really do want it.

I know that it is not going to be easy but I am willing to *consistently* make the effort and work hard to get there.

tcunbeliever

If I throw something out I have to spray it with Raid...though honestly, Raid doesn't actually taste that bad...kidding...mostly...

totaldetermination

@tcunbeliever lol ! (I hope )

totaldetermination

Yesterday also went well. I feel like I'm in a routine. (two decent days and I'm already calling it a routine !!).
But it feels smoother and effortless - like I have a plan which is working. By working I mean a plan that I can follow - I'm not sure if my calories are at a deficit, so I'm not sure if I'm losing weight. but I do feel that I'm in a better frame of mind to be following it.
So I will continue like this for a week. Partly just to get myself used to having enough discipline to follow a plan, and partly because the weekend is always a bit challenging and I want a familiar routine to return to on Monday.

totaldetermination

Yesterday went well. This morning I woke up and wrote 'good day' on my other thread. I then spent some time looking at the the fitbit website. I'm happy that I've managed to squeeze in a good level of activity lately despite quite difficult circumstances.

Then I went to the kitchen. I'm not even sure why I went in. I think its just a habit to mindlessly walk in there. 500 calories of absolute junk food later, and I'm calling that mistake breakfast.

I'm taking a moment to refocus my mind. I *want* to lose weight. To do that, I chose to control what I eat. That's my choice. Everyday I have a choice of what to eat. Motivated by my wish to lose weight, I chose wisely and appropriately. I'm determined to do this. I really want to do this. I'm doing this for me because I want to lose weight, and this is the best way I know to lose it. I'm going to keep this focus and this frame of mind today. When faced with a choice to make about what to eat, I am going to remember that what I am really choosing is whether or not to lose weight. and that choice is simple.

WifiresGettingFit

I really hope you keep this up because a lot of what you wrote could have been written by me. Also know that you are not the only one who struggles and you've got this!

I hope it's okay but I used something you said (with credit) in the journal entry I just posted.

totaldetermination

thanks @WifiresGettingFit - I'm sorry that you have some of the same struggles, but its nice to know that I'm not alone. I wish I had a magic wand I could wave to help us both move forward.

totaldetermination

I managed to turn the morning around.

Then I found myself in a position in the evening where it was just too difficult to make good choices and I was just too tired to make the effort. Honestly at the moment I'm content with just trying to make the right choices when its not that difficult. When it becomes difficult I would rather just accept that its a situation that I am not currently able to manage - rather than try and then not succeed. So I went over; and I'm ok with that.
Tomorrow will also be difficult and I expect to go over - I dont feel I have the energy to fight it.

On Sunday there will be no excuses.

totaldetermination

another 500 odd calories of mindless junk for breakfast. I have already stopped eating and my day will still be in deficit but its just not a great start to the day.

tcunbeliever

You can do this!