Negative comments

Out_of_Bubblegum

I got my first negative comment about weight loss today ... from my stepdaughter, who looked at me with a slightly disgusted look and said "You're getting skinny! Why don't you get some muscles or something."

I have a naturally slight build... my bone structure is thin, and I have to get to a fairly low weight before my BF drops to a point of muscle definition. Before gaining weight due to lifestyle changes, I generally weighed in as an adult at 135-140. Wiry is the best way to describe it.

When I gained weight, it wasn't pretty in any way, shape or form.. It went to my gut, which quickly turned into a spare tire, and was starting to sprout "moobs" as I approached 200 lb.

Now that I'm getting back to a reasonable shape, I get a pretty nasty comment. Wife has been making smaller, less direct comments lately too, even though I'm still 15 lb heavier than when we got married.

Not sure how I feel about this - but I needed to get it off my chest. I'm not going to let someone else's opinion decide how I look at myself, or change my attitude towards my fitness goals ... but I'd be lying to say that it doesn't bother me.

susan092907

It would really bother me too. Sorry you're not getting more support. Could you let them know that support rather than criticism would be appreciated?

Rachel0778

That is rough, especially since it is coming from loved ones so it's hard to brush off. I agree with Susan that it is definitely worth having a conversation with your spouse. Your health is more important than a preferred aesthetic. Also, most importantly, how have you been feeling about your body and your physical changes?

imastar2

Hang in there @bwmalone. In my opinion it's how you feel physically and how you feel about yourself when you look into the mirror. Keep your chin up sounds like your certainly on the right track. My DW is very supportive and sometimes she is more negative in her own way and means well but sometimes I take it the wrong way.

I know she means well but we sometimes have to take a hold of our own attitude and keep it positive. I think this is a great venue to vent. I do it quite often but not enough.

SW 400.8
CW 319.4
GW 185.0

81.5 lbs lost

manladdvm

Dude. That is rough. I think those comments would really hurt my feelings too.
Sometimes people close to us say things out of ignorance and sometimes jealousy.

I would make it all about your health with these people.

minimyzeme

Good points and suggestions from the GOADies above, methinks. In trying to relate, I recalled that my partner and at least one sister both thought made comments that I lost TOO MUCH weight. They weren't really nasty but kind of 'all-knowing', like they knew better than me where I should level out. They pointed out my face looked "gaunt" (me, gaunt??) and I didn't need to go that far. I think part of what drove their perceptions was the profound change compared to me at my heaviest, especially for my sister who doesn't see me every day. Maybe your changes are perceived in that same light by your wife and daughter?

I wonder if there's anything to the idea that your stepdaughter is following your wife's lead. Maybe she thinks if Mom is making cutting comments, it's fair game for her to pile on. That may be a behavioral / boundary / respect issue that needs to be addressed if in-fact she's perceiving the 'green light' because of your wife's comments.

Derrick's point is one worth considering too, IMO. Sometimes I twist all kinds of things around in my head that in hindsight, is probably me mis-perceiving what's intended, or making more or something different than what's said. From what you've said, I'm doubtful that's the case here, but it may be worth mulling over just to make sure.

Will be curious to hear how this is resolved. Hang in there @bwmalone !

RedSassyPants

My daughter has informed me that I am not "Snugly" anymore. I have lost a lot of softness in my chest area (if you get my drift) Neither my husband or daughter are happy about this. You know what? TOO BAD!!!! This is about MY health. Same goes for you. Do what is best for YOU. They will get used to it.

Jimb376mfp

People say dumb/insensitive things without thinking. We all have heard things either as we were gaining or losing weight.

I see a lot of women complain on WW Connect when people don’t say anything to them after they have lost weight.
I always think “Well did you complain when they didn’t say anything as you GAINED weight?”

Commenting on other people’s weight is a touchy and very personal issue. I once asked a friend if she would like to come with me to my WW meeting, they were having an Open House event. She didn’t speak to me for weeks!!! LoL

Now after I have lost 180# I am starting to hear comments like:

How much more do you have to lose..50 pounds? (NO NOT 50 POUNDS!! My inner voice screamed!)

Jim you don’t need to lose any more weight. (Uh I just got my BMI one pound below Obese!)

At my WW Mtg this week: “Are you at Goal?” (That bugged me because I have not set an official GW yet. Consulting with my PCP.)

I’m glad I can vent here amongst people who know what it’s like to Gain and Lose weight.

Jerdtrmndone

My DW has told me I look good as I am, but she is supportive of what I want.

gadgetgirlIL

@bwmalone - sorry you are getting these kinds of comments, especially from those closest to you.

I'm hovering at 5 pounds above where I feel best. DH of course had to make a comment that he liked that I fill out my bras better at this weight. Geez, like I have a choice where the fat departs from. At least 4 of those pounds are sitting around my waist making some of my pants too uncomfortable to be in for more than a few minutes.

I don't point out to DH that all of his pounds are sitting around his midsection and that his shirts would look better at a lower weight. I bite my tongue.

Philtex

bwmalone wrote: »

I'm not going to let someone else's opinion decide how I look at myself, or change my attitude towards my fitness goals

What are your fitness goals? Could your stepdaughter be on to something, even if she expressed it badly?

Out_of_Bubblegum

Thank you all so much for your support and insight! I had a feeling that venting here was the right thing to do.


@susan092907
Both wife and stepdaughter.. are Very direct. If they see something, they don't hold back at all, and assume that because they don't mean harm, that no harm is done. If I approached them with an approach like this, I would likely get a response of "Stop being so sensitive!" - so.. I don't think I'll go that route.

@Rachel0778
Right now I'm really happy with the changes - My muscle tone is starting to show through, I've lost the moobs, my spare tire has retreated into love handles that are now getting smaller.. Clothes fit a LOT better, though I believe I'm going to have to retire some shirts now that they are hanging on me.

Out_of_Bubblegum

@minimyzeme
I think you are on to something - that the change is the issue more than anything.. though the stepdaughter no longer lives with us, so I don't think there is any l@Rachel0778

@RedSassyPants - Thank you! Exactly what I needed to hear.

Out_of_Bubblegum

Philtex wrote: »

What are your fitness goals? Could your stepdaughter be on to something, even if she expressed it badly?

I guess in short, my goal is to be an athlete, whatever that means.

I am a martial artist. My goal is to drop down to a weight which maximizes my speed and power and abilities, and to develop the required strength, endurance and flexibility to eventually become a master in my art.

I have recently returned to competition this year, which is the realization of a long term goal, and have done very well in 2 tournaments this year, and I am eyeing more tournaments next year, to compete in national and international tournaments... I was once an Olympic hopeful, and though that ship has long since sailed, there are other venues towards high level competition which is not so restrictive on entry, which I might try my hand.

So aesthetics are a distant second to performance...

Once I hit goal weight, I do plan on increasing my strength training (I do a fair amount now, but with the calorie deficit, gaining strength is a slow and arduous process! I am hoping to be more successful on that front once I start getting into maintenance.) There is a chance that this will improve my build a bit, though I do not expect it to change my shape into that of a body builder.

Philtex

bwmalone wrote: »

I have recently returned to competition this year, which is the realization of a long term goal, and have done very well in 2 tournaments this year

Way to go!