I Need Help :(

LAWoman72

Help...

I have been dieting since 1978.

I was skinny before that (age 11) and suddenly ballooned. I did start eating more at that time...I remember that. I would eat while my mother was at work. She had been very controlling of my food. I got some freedom and took it. Weirdly, it wasn't as if I'd wanted to eat MORE before that time but more that I didn't like my mother's cooking (OMG - it was awful...I just can't describe it). I actually wanted to eat less but would be "starved out" to force whatever awful boiled meat or mush artichokes or whatever "good" food was put in front of me. But I digress...point is, I've never "just" eaten, you know, just to live.

So after that I dieted, it was horrible but I lost weight and became cute. All was well even though I felt terrible, weak and forgetful and so on with very restricted calories. So alternately I binged. This IS NOT about bulimia, I want to make that clear. My cycle is always diet like hell, wind up weeping and starving and binge.

So anyway...I lost the plot after my second son was born 14 years ago and just couldn't over-restrict anymore. And without that over-restriction I just couldn't lose weight. I have been huge ever since. I got up to 212. But a year and a half ago I buckled down and forced myself to diet and I have (had) lost about 60 lbs.

I am 5'1", 50 years old and weighed 150.

I got SO HUNGRY. I couldn't take it anymore. I am at a loss. I am in tears this morning. I am SO TIRED of being hungry. So tired of it. I have been hungry for as long as I remember, and diet-hungry for almost 40 years. FORTY years. If I don't go hungry I GET FAT. Why why why?

I read the 1800-calorie thread, was heartened and tried it. I had bumped up about five pounds. I just lost the plot and binged like twice a week up at least 5 pounds. Felt/feel terrible. Out of control. I figured my BMR at 1376 and my TDEE at 1892. I tried eating 1550 and gained ANOTHER two pounds. (I am working out, BTW, but not heavy lifting and I am not adding those calories on as they were figured into my TDEE.)

I went to Thanksgiving yesterday. As usual, I was the fattest woman there. Everyone in my husband's family is thin, until they get much older. I can't stand being this fat anymore but how can I trust "eating more" when I have always gotten fat from eating and in fact have gained even eating figuring out my TDEE and eating under it?

I am so tired of this...I look toward maybe 30 more years, or 20 or however many I have left, of being hungry...why why why.

Help. Just sitting here crying right now.

empressichel

Hey @LAWoman72

empressichel

Ack! I forgot when you use an emoji it deletes all your text!
Please join us over on our Facebook community group
https://m.facebook.com/groups/1754102281470874?ref=bookmarks
There is no reason to live your life like this even though I know you feel such despair right now.
You will find many like minded women who have very similar background stories and are changing and winning!
Please join us and we will get there together.
Ichel
Team EM2WL

Ciboulette_

You should really read the book Brain over binge. It really help me not to binge anymore

LAWoman72

Thank you...just submitted to the group.

LAWoman72

I am starving.

What the hell is wrong with me???

I am so angry.

I can't seem to stick to even 1700 calories, bumped up from 1600. I just went over, to 1776. And I feel like I could still eat! I feel so out of control and scared.

And yeah. I read and understood the freebie. And bought and read the book. Which gave the vaguest of all possible activity level gauges. I am trying.

I am angry and scared. I have myself right now. I wish I didn't have to wake up tomorrow and have to do this all over again. Why does it have to be this way? It's just food. Why, why, why??

zanyzana

Oh dear, honey, you’re hungry because you’re FAMISHED! Your poor body needs nutrients and energy. Unfortunately, I have a similar story as you, although I think Mum was a better cook and I’m now fat. But I’m stronger than I’ve ever been and understand so much more about myself and the frigging diet culture we are ruled by. Meanwh8le, that diet culture has created the obesity epidemic. But I will leave my rant for another day.

If you’re now in the Facebook group, post this cry from the heart in there. We all get it. We’re all in different stages and phases, but everyone knows the feelings you’re expressing. Don’t give up on yourself. Your life can and will be better...

Hugs
Annette

LAWoman72

Annette, thank you so much for your kind words. They meant a lot. I practically cried with relief seeing there was an answer.

I have not been approved for the Facebook page yet for some reason and for their forum, I have submitted twice for a code to have access but haven't received that either.

I wish I could go on the site so I could ask whether I am figuring my activity level correctly. I mean 1-3 hours of exercise...what exercise? Walking? Yoga? Giant heavy lifting? Jumping jacks? Running? Pilates? Some Jillian Shred Until You Bleed Out Your Eyeballs DVD? Is it a heavy constant 1:3 hours? Or....meanwhile, is 5 hours of walking still considered moderate even though it's just walking? Is only 2 hours still considered light if it's lifting...? Know what I mean?

I'm not literally asking each of those questions, ^ I'm saying it is confusing and odd.

What I am doing is 3-4X30 minutes lifting, not big weights but new and heavy and frequently to exhaustion for me depending on the move, plus walking 3X or so/week, anywhere from a 20-minute walk to the store to 40-60 minutes on a weekend hike or stroll. Should be light but then I see people on the forums over there saying running around after kids and so on is exercise too...like just not lying in bed all day counts..I don't know and I do not know if I'm undereating and that's why I'm hungry or whether I'm just a pig.

I'm a pound down and I don't think I'm supposed to be but what about water....it could just be less water...but if not then I'm probably doing this wrong.

So...I am so lost.

zanyzana

I’m in the Facebook group. I can’t imagine that they’d mean to ignore your request to join. @empressichel is a moderator of that group and watches over their fitbit page, so hopefully she will see this and work out what the next step is.

You’re probably in the moderate activity level, maybe even high... Most people are moderate if they move a bit most days. Remember that there is a lot of estimating involved in working it out. It’s really about finding a starting point and tweaking in response to your body’s changes. And it requires time and consistency. Totally boring, tedious concepts to me, but that’s life!

Oh, and another thing. You’re not a pig. Please don’t think negatively about yourself. It won’t help you move forward and will make you feel bad. Those are horrible names and words that nasty people in our lives have said to us, but we don’t have to hold onto them. You’re probably hungry. It takes time to find our TDEE and as we work up to it, our body craves more calories to heal the damage we’ve done by extreme diets in the past. Just keep plodding. I’d suggest trying to access the Facebook group again, or “friending” emoressichel here and asking her for help.

All the best

LAWoman72

Thank you so much! I am so sorry - I did get onto the Facebook group since. No word from the site/forum but I'm chugging along. I have been reading this group page like crazy, though. I also started a blog here. It was so good to hear some encouraging words! That means a lot.

Moderate, really? I am doing HIIT or weights 3 or 4 times a week and walking a few times a week. I do find myself really hungry at times and have gone over 2000 calories twice. But...I haven't binged and that is huge for me.

Raynn1

It looks like you have now gotten in the group.
You will find that Kiki and all of the team spend our time over there. We only check into MFP on occasion. (Sorry, we can't be in so many places at once!) You will find your questions get answered over there more than here simply because that is where we spend majority of our time

Kelly
Team EM2WL

MarisaTortolano

I would highly recommend keeping healthy snacks around so if you're going to binge it's on healthy stuff. I love having broccoli or carrots with southwest ranch dip or clementines when I want something sweet, everything is low in calories but you can eat as much as you want and still reap the nutrient benefits! PLUS, eating healthy snacks will slow down cravings for sweet or salty junk food!