A journal of thoughts.
HellYeahItsKriss
Posts: 906 Member
So MFP comes with a blog feature but i have often found writing in it to be a bit pointless. No one engages in the posts, in fact i am not even entirely sure how others have people who do engage.
I have often felt like i talk to myself in them. Much the same in real life as I have a boyfriend who does not understand me on an emotional level and i do not have friends at all. Since a lot of how i have been feeling lately ties into my Binge eating disorder and my Borderline Personality Disorder, I feel like it would be a bit theraputic for me to post here, The binge eating challenge has been keeping me accountable for the last few days which i am thankful for but I have a lot going on in my head that i think having just a shoulder and an ear might bring me some comfort.
I also enjoy this group because it's a place i can speak without people offering suggestions on how to fix my Binge eating disorder and are more encouraging of me living with it day to day.
I am going to write here daily for a little while. I know it might be a little unorthodox but it will remind me of the old days in the 90's when online journals were pretty popular. I won't expect people to comment here, it's not mandatory, It's more just for me to feel like i am openly talking to others not within the chaos of the forums.
Thanks!
I have often felt like i talk to myself in them. Much the same in real life as I have a boyfriend who does not understand me on an emotional level and i do not have friends at all. Since a lot of how i have been feeling lately ties into my Binge eating disorder and my Borderline Personality Disorder, I feel like it would be a bit theraputic for me to post here, The binge eating challenge has been keeping me accountable for the last few days which i am thankful for but I have a lot going on in my head that i think having just a shoulder and an ear might bring me some comfort.
I also enjoy this group because it's a place i can speak without people offering suggestions on how to fix my Binge eating disorder and are more encouraging of me living with it day to day.
I am going to write here daily for a little while. I know it might be a little unorthodox but it will remind me of the old days in the 90's when online journals were pretty popular. I won't expect people to comment here, it's not mandatory, It's more just for me to feel like i am openly talking to others not within the chaos of the forums.
Thanks!
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Replies
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December 16 2017
My last few nights have been pretty restless. I have not been sleeping all night. Tonight will be the third night in a row. I have been struggling with a deep depression this month.. seems like it's just the end result of the 9 months of build up and knowing the year is coming to an end soon.
I am unsure if i believe in Karma or not. Sometimes i question why it seems like i would be being punished right now and then other times I know why i would be being punished right now. Both reasons make me depressed. Mostly cause i don't know how to change who i ended up being as a person.
I have a split down the middle view of people. Online I enjoy pretty much all engagements I have with others. I enjoy talking to them, I enjoy the fun and jokes and debates even.
But in person i do not have that same experience. I don't want people to talk to me, i can't really focus or enjoy anyones conversations, I am easily irritable and i just want to be left alone... But.. yet I want to have friends.
I feel like i am stuck in a loop. I grew up obese for my age, I honestly believe I developed my binge eating disorder.. or at least the beginning stages of it very early on in age, before grade 1 at least. I was verbally and physically abused since the age of 5 and that was an every day thing until i dropped out at grade 9. After that it was mostly strangers who treated me like that. So my view on people is negative. I want to develop close friendships but i can't seem to allow that. Eventually anyone i have tried to let in I do push them out of my life. My negative view on people can sometimes leave me emotionally selfish. When the dark cloud in my mind takes over the people who cared about me at the time don't matter and i do not have any regard for their feelings on how my feeling that way and expressing it makes them feel.. at least not until afterwards.
The switch back and forth with karma comes from the fact that i spent my whole life being treated like less then nothing. By my mother, all my years through school and strangers. so wouldn't all those years be a reason to finally have some good karma? Yet i believe that my personality and how i am with others now is a reason to be hit with bad karma.
It's been a rough year. I was working a good job for 6 years at a nursing home and making $16 an hour. I worked hard and had used material possessions as something to show that you can have a hard life growing up but in the end you can work hard and come home to that success and know you made it.
The last two years of my employment there i had also lost 165 pounds. Despite my Binge eating disorder i managed to hit my goal weight. It was something i dreamed about for so long. Something I never thought would be something I could have. I always felt like I was just meant to be fat and unhappy and unwanted.
I started having struggles at my job, a year into taking a full time position i was working on a highly aggressive dementia unit and was being physically assaulted more in that short time then the last 5 years of my employment. The stress of that environment was causing some anxiety and depression which had started my binge eating disorder to begin chattering loudly in my head. My psychiatrist at the eating disorder clinic recommended that since it would take time for medications to tame my BPD and keep me from flying from one extreme of depression to an extreme of happy and then crashing again, that i take time off work and also request that i be temporarily be relocated to a unit with less physically aggressive residents while i completed my therapy. However even with his letter of recommendation, they refused to accommodate me and i was forced to resign.
My current lifestyle was reflective of the paychecks i was making bi-weekly. 1000-1100 dollars every two weeks.
When i resigned my only option was to find a minimum wage job at 10.85 an hour. 40 hours a week got me a paycheck of just around $700 every two weeks. A significant drop of 600-800 dollars a month in pay.
I had only recently moved into a new unit in my building that was renovated, it was my first time having a nice place with a dishwasher, ceramic floor and laminate flooring. Everything was brand new, the sinks, tub, toilet, counters, cupboards, everything was beautiful.. but my rent went up moving into it, so i was paying 820 a month.
Shortly into going on my stress leave I met a guy through my gym i was going to. Dustin. We spent a lot of time together, we went places, etc. He was very fun to be around. After a little while tho, the going out every day and people-ing started to wear on me. I started getting lethargic, i was experiencing a lot of body pain suddenly and a lot of it was when i slept so it was leaving me exhausted feeling all the time. It became something that was keeping me from wanting to go to the gym.. and he wanted to go to the gym with me every single day. It began feeling like an obligation and i started hating going. Eventually i couldn't afford to keep it so i had to cancel the membership.
My nursing home job was a large contribution to my daily physical activity. Losing that job made a huge impact in my life as far as maintaining my weight. Losing my membership was also something that was another impact to that.
About 3 months into his and mine's relationship my building came down with an infestation of bed bugs..
After 5 months and 6 sprays and the company the building hired not doing their job and having no luck with the problem.. I went from coming home to this..
To coming home to this..
a $200 walmart Futon and having to use my dresser in my living room to make it seem less empty.
My bedroom is basically an empty space with a box and some small bits of junk and my bedside table.
I lost everything.
I cashed out my RRSP's.. I had $15000 saved up and got $11,000 of it. My plan was to move into a cheaper apartment and I had furniture picked out at a furniture place to fill the new apartment with, I did not want to bring new things home in case the bed bug issue was not resolved at that time. Between bills, expensive meds due to no benefits, an expensive rent and everything else, it did not take long for that money to kind of disappear.. I looked hard for another place but either everything cheaper was a dump or no one would take me. After weeks of trying to find a place, my cat came down with feline herpes and i was forced to spend a portion of the money i had set aside left towards her vet care.
I could no longer afford the furniture i wanted.
I love my cat, I would do anything for her, she is my soul mate but i was still incredibly heart broken.
All the while I was still dating Dustin. My eating habits became out of control.. I was so structured when i was single but it became harder to maintain that with him always wanting to eat together and go out and do things.. He always bought candy, ice cream, etc.. he wanted to share it with me all the time, telling me he wasn't trying to make me fat.
Letting go a little caused my binge eating to take over more.. even with the meds.. I began putting weight on because my lifestyle had changed drastically from the active structured person i was to someone who was in chronic pain, didn't wanna do anything cause i was so tired, didn't work out, didn't walk as much and was now eating too much.
When my eating started feeling out of control i began extreme behaviors of throwing out my food again. Trying to starve myself.. Trying to think of ways to avoid being around food. I kept telling Dustin not to keep offering me this or that but he has his own demons and it's not within his physical capacity.
Eventually after so much weight ended up coming on my behaviors stopped.. but it's lead to me feeling like i just don't know how to approach getting the weight off again. Every time i feel like I have a plan figured out.. it never seems to work.. keeping meals at his place still seems to not work.. because every time i try to structure a meal plan it seems like it just does not function properly with the relationship.. I can't plan because whenever we make a plan he changes his mind 12 times.
Example being last night at 6pm he came by to see me and mentioned about ordering a pizza. I logged pizza into my logs in preparation for it. He texts me after the gym and says he wants to go to walmart, do i want to come.. so i do. As we are leaving walmart to go back to his place, because the purchase at walmart for new shoes and few items came to 50ish dollars, he doesn't know if he wants pizza now.. i ask him what we are going to eat and he doesn't know.. so i said, i need to know, so i can log it and see if it's doable for me.. so he starts listing off all the items in his freezer, steak, pasta, french fries, bacon to make BLT's.. but he still can't just decide on one thing.
But it's not just the decision making of what to eat that takes so long.. it then becomes... where do we order from.. he originally wanted pizza hut.. but then asked if i wanted to order from alexandreas.. after i declined that since i didn't care much for it last time, he asked if i just wanted to go across the street.. i get my shoes half way on and he changes his mind and wants pizza hut, so we order online and it says 1 hour and 10 min before we get it.. it was already 9pm.. so then i had to call to cancel it... so then he says lets go across the street.. get the other shoe on and my coat and he says.. what about pizza pizza, they always have a deal... so again.. go online, put an order together and finally we get a pizza ordered.. but the last time i ate was 11am.. and its now 9:30pm and i am cranky and irritable by this point..
Between the last few months and lately i have been struggling to find a job that is worth keeping.. ive had 4 jobs in the last 5 months.. not being able to pay my rent this month now so my dad has to give me the 820, I won't be able to pay for my eating disorder meds now so im going to be going without them and that terrifies me.. I won't have money for food, no bills will be paid.. I have been beyond depressed..
I feel like i lost my whole life.. i lost my stuff, i lost the body i worked hard for.. I have no money anymore, no job, and at the end of the day.. the only thing that keeps consistently happening is.. i get mad at Dustin every day.. for.. everything.
He is annoying but.. he has been trying so hard to be there for me also. But it seems like all i am able to do is push him away like everyone else. Then besides being up all night wondering how i am going to make it next year cause come tax time i am going to be taxed again on that $15,000 and may end up having to pay in hundreds or thousands of dollars.. feeling lost because i so desperately want to just be my old size again and can't for the life of me seem to do it.. I feel guilty because the last person left in my life.. who is struggling so hard to be patient for me and be there.. i am not giving them anything but anger.
I feel like i am being punished by karma for the horrible person I have become. I do not deserve the things i worked hard for. It's why i lost it. Sometimes i just want to throw in the towel.. convinced i must just be destined to be fat and alone and with nothing.
I feel guilty cause i do not have the ability to show love. It's like i don't know how even though i feel it inside. I feel like words are just empty telling him that i do when i can't show it.
I want my life back. I just wish i knew how to get there.
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December 17 2017
Wasn't a good day yesterday emotionally.
My boyfriend.. he is good to me.. but.. he truly does not understand what i go through with my binge eating disorder.
I have maybe a week left of my pills before i run out. I won't be able to afford anymore. I know what i am like without them compared to when i am cause I have stopped them once thinking they weren't working.
It scares me to know that i am going to have to go through that for a few weeks.
My boyfriend told me last night that my eating disorder isn't real. It's all in my head. The meds i take are placebos. No one is forcing me to eat, no one is making me do it, I am the one doing it so just don't eat. Stop eating. It's that easy. He said the pills aren't really helping, i am still eating and gaining weight anyway. If i just put some effort into it, i could take the weight off and not have this supposed eating disorder i think i have. He said he knows he doesn't understand it but that is what he thinks.
... So I punched him in the face.
I told him not to talk to me like i am weak. I told him that he has no idea how much fighting and struggling i go through.
The one person who i should have support from for one of the biggest issues of my entire life.. and he thinks i am just not putting any effort into it.
It's really depressing. And it's also hard on me because he feels i don't treat him good, he said he questions why he keeps trying for this relationship because it isn't going anywhere.. i never want to go out and do things, i say no to everything, i never wanna do anything fun.. but knowing he feels that way about it makes me want to distance myself and he says i keep pushing people away.
He wants to try and go bowling today.. I personally would rather be alone.
I am emotionally and physically exhausted. He tells me i am just lazy and need to get another job. He is just unaware of how mentally exhausting he is on me.3 -
December 18 2017
Later on in the evening I broke down and called Dustin to apologize for disappearing and wanting to be alone.
Unfortunately he was upset by my actions and bought vodka. He had been doing well for 3 months. Not drinking at all. I went over to see him which usually isn't a good thing because the last few times he drank and I was around it always ended badly.
However this was one of the few times I knew I would get some honesty out of him about things.
I just sat and listened mostly.
He hates me. But he honestly truly loves me. Wants me in his life forever.
He is a little unattracted to me cause of my weight gain but he said it doesn't really matter.
He wished he could make me happy. He says he keeps trying and trying but all I do is get mad and it's like he will never be what I want.
He said I need to get over my depression about life. He is depressed too but he has me so that makes him happier why can't I appreciate having him.
He says that he tries to give me everything I want despite that he doesn't have a lot of money just so he can see me smile.
He wants to go out and do things and make memories with me.
He said he feels so lost without me. Would he move on? Yes. But would he be happy? No. He doesn't know what to do without me in his life.
I feel like his depression and my depression are just not on the same page.
His depression is based on him losing his life. He got punched in the back of the head when he was 24 and went into a coma. He died. Came back to life but was in a coma for 4 months. When he came to he had to be taught how to walk and talk and swallow again. He was never the same after that. He went from being super confident and getting all the girls to being single for 15 years and thinking he was meant to be alone. Scared to meet someone.
My depression is just based on the fact that I was abused my whole life and I fought hard to make something of myself and now it's like I'm losing everything I worked for. I don't know how to regain the control I had. He keeps telling me to just do it... but is it really that easy? What is it that is making me struggle?
I don't know what to do about showing him love. I've been cut off and distant from everyone my whole life.. I don't even hug my family regularly or tell them I love them without struggling to get the words out saying it back.
It's heart breaking I feel like he deserves more. He is human. He tries so hard to love me. Why can't I just break the walls down and love him the same way back?
Why can't I just appreciate that he is trying to spend time with me instead of getting irritated that he is asking me to think of what I want to do today.
Why can't I just see positives and be happy?
What is wrong with me? Why am I such a horrible person on the inside? How do I change?2 -
To me, this is like comparing apples to chainsaws... My boyfriend and I go round about how I just don't have enough willpower and discipline and all that jazz...and I keep telling him that his special way of being broken is just his. I don't know anyone else on this planet who is anything like him...and that it isn't realistic or fair, really, to judge any other for not being able to just "suck it up, buttercup" and move on, like he has convinced himself he has (which in some ways he has, but in most, he hasn't)... So I honestly just stopped talking about those particular trigger words with him. I seek subject specific support in places like this...and just go in for general support from him... It's not the best of situations, and it's one of the few things I miss about my ex-husband, one of the only things I miss about him - is that he was more supportive in specific emotional ways like this - but only to a point... He supported my attempts, but if I went off the deep end, and it was more effort to help me than to ignore it all, he wouldn't be my life preserver either. In the end, it was him wanting a divorce that actually woke me up to the fact I'd given up on myself...but that's a whole other series of books to write, there...
What I can say is...There are no two people whose depression are identical. Even your depression from episode to episode seems different in minor ways. I wish I had advice... All I can do is share some resources I've come across and saved for myself and my friends... I hope that any one of these, and with Wil and Anne, I know I need to link their more updated posts - Wil had some just this week and last...but hopefully, if they engage you in a way that speaks to you, you can find the other writings yourself...
I've been under the weather lately, and so I'm only here intermittently, but feel free to inbox me at any point if you just need someone to listen.... All the gentle hugs!
P.S. THERE IS NOTHING WRONG WITH YOU...you're just caught up in the storm of depression, which is an epic liar... Keep trying, and you'll find your way out eventually.
Several times recently, I've posted to individuals about struggling with depression, anxiety, and other mental issues. Here are some of the links I've accumulated that really reached me deeply. I hope that if even one word helps one person, this has been worth posting. Deepest healing hugs to all my struggling friends.
Most recent addition (1/17/17):
http://www.hannahhepworth.com/10-self-help-books-anxiety-depression/
Another great read:
https://medium.com/bigger-picture/a-funny-thing-happened-when-i-was-typing-my-suicide-note-1c9d98f78935#.b5st8z70z
Additional Resources:
National Alliance of Mental Illness. They can help with locating local doctors with specialties, and lots of other things.
https://www.nami.org/
National Eating Disorder Association: They can help with locating providers, but the also provide coaches who have been through and survived these types of issues, whether first hand or with a loved one.
http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/join-neda/
Particular resources personally recommended by friends with regards to Binge Eating Disorder (BED) managment.
I'm in the Overeaters Anonymous group. It is kinda active. I'm getting support out of being there.
i have a friend who is a therapist specializing in eating disorders. i know you specifically are asking about MFP, but if you want, i can ask her about whether she can recommend any support groups online in general.
For anyone that may not be a group type (or anyone that would like the reference) I have a friend in therapy for ED that had me pick up this book to assist her. I found it helpful http://www.barnesandnoble.com/mobile/w/the-dialectical-behavior-therapy-skills-workbook-matthew-mckay/1008150072?ean=9781572245136&st=PLA&sid=BNB_DRS_Core+Shopping+Textbooks_00000000&2sid=Google_&sourceId=PLGoP109&k_clickid=3x109&kpid=9781572245136
Even being in a group that is closely related helps when conflict arises. Knowing that there are others that suffer and openly talk about their problems can help with the emotional stress.
Very supportive group: http://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/group/726-binge-eating-support-group
I agree. The Binge Eating Support Group is great and I gained a lot of good insight, tips, and friends from that group. Also look into the workbook Food & Feelings Workshop by Karen Koenig. Very good stuff.
Here is the link to my friend's blog on her "gremlins."
http://www.myfitnesspal.com/blog/maoribadger/view/caging-the-goblin-learning-to-maintain-a-positive-inner-dialogue-721283
Wil Wheaton, author/actor, struggles with severe anxiety and depression. His writings. He also recently has done a huge video chat or something that's online discussing all this. I'll post a link if I can find it.
NEWEST POST: http://wilwheaton.net/2015/08/tears-in-rain/
Depression Lies: http://wilwheaton.net/2012/09/depression-lies/
Other links on his site that deal with his anxiety and depression:
http://wilwheaton.net/?s=depression
Wil's Wife Anne's Perspecting on Living with Wil's Depression
http://www.annewheaton.com/the-other-side-of-depression/
Other articles she wrote about her own struggles:
http://www.annewheaton.com/?s=depression
UPDATED:
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2011/10/adventures-in-depression.html
http://hyperboleandahalf.blogspot.com/2013/05/depression-part-two.html
I hope this helps anyone struggling. I will add more as any come across my brain/screen.2 -
I agree with you about no two people being exactly the same, which is why it's so frustrating to talk to him because he believes that if he can handle his depression a certain way i should be able to do the exact same thing.. Crying isn't fixing anything, it's not proving anything he says.. But why can't i just feel the way i feel?
Thats basically how my boyfriend is... he will only support me if i try what he suggests and put in the effort he thinks i should.
The downside to this support is.. he won't support me until i put that effort in.. and if i do meet the effort requirements and then struggle or fail.. it basically becomes a guilt trip.. "You were doing so good, just go back to that".. same as when i put the weight on.. he says that all the time, i was doing so good, just go back to that.
Any time i want him to encourage me, like when i say okay i really need to stop binge eating or i really need to get my eating and weight gain under control.. he just laughs in my face like im just saying another useless new years resolution. And i am right back to struggling again on my own.
My entire weight loss i was single. I didn't have another persons eating habits influencing me and i didn't have someone constantly wanting to be out and doing something.. i am struggling to find a way to eat better. Every time i tell him im not wanting to eat the way i have been anymore, its like he forgets 2 min after i say it.. always suggesting ordering out or going to this restaurant or that.. wanting to go out for ice cream, just wants to eat things that are calorie dense.. i make my own food at his place and freeze it.. and he is sitting there eating these giant meals that sometimes take two plates.. and all my food fits on a saucer.. it's just.. discouraging especially when i am depressed, i want to eat my feelings im going without medication now.. and what i really want to do is kick and scream and just have a temper tantrum until i exhaust myself on every level..
Without my meds i can feel myself starting to go crazy in the head again.. i start feeling uncomfortable in my own skin.. i start feeling like i need to starve myself and throw out all my food.. but now instead.. even if i do that.. there is still food at his place, i can't escape the food.. i feel really trapped by it and it's making me feel anxious and uncomfortable even more.
These are the binge eating disorder things i can't make him understand.. he just says, well don't eat, no one is making you.. ITS NOT ABOUT THE EATING... its the *kitten* emotional *kitten* i go through, the anxiety, the self hate, the throwing out my food, the feeling of being trapped, the feeling of every bite adding 10lbs to my body, the desire to want to starve myself and yet being unable to successfully accomplish it.. the amount of chatter and *kitten* that swirls through my head without that medication..
The sad thing is.. even if i told him this.. he would tell me all those feelings arent real and i am just making myself believe thats how it is because the pharmaceutical companies and doctors want me to believe that so they can make money off me..
When he says this to me.. it really makes me feel like nothing. Like i am just some idiot who doesn't really know whats going on or what i am truly struggling with. Like i am just some low IQ piece of *kitten* with no brain who is just easily manipulated and that i just struggled with this my whole life on purpose cause i just haven't figured it out yet that it's not real. I just have no concept of reality.
It also frustrates me and makes my blood boil because it's him who has no concept of reality.. and yet his opinion seems to trump mine.
I still have a few pills left.. for my eating disorder... i've gone these three days on purpose to try and space it out so i wouldn't have to go so long without them completely.. and given how much my head is spinning out of control right now.. im going to take one.. cause i have a feeling im going to be up all night anyway.
I am struggling for control.. and yet i have to pretend that everything is fine.. it makes me depressed and angry because i can't even just deal with how im feeling, because he feels like im not treating him good and that im not giving any effort into the relationship.. i basically have to ignore everything i feel, put on a happy face for him and carry on like im not feeling alone inside.
Anyway.. i guess this could be considered my next entry of thoughts. lol.. Thanks for the comment and the links, i will check them out when i am at my fathers over christmas and don't have the boyfriend constantly at me wanting to do something and not wanting me on my cellphone.1 -
December 20 2017
It's been several hours since i took one of my Vyvanse. The huge decrease in the craziness of my brain is a huge indicator to me that i am not just some idiot who was made to believe i need pills when i really don't.
My urge to eat was incredibly strong before the pills kicked in.. i did try to allocate my food choices towards carrots and low calorie dressing and a small handful of turkey.
Since it's 6am and i am still up for breakfast i made two slices of toast with some margarine. That seems to be fine and I have stopped there.
I don't really feel like people-ing today.
Since Dustin has shown that he has no interest in trying to understand my eating disorder and that his opinion on it seems to be more important then trying to understand it.. I have decided that when i am really struggling, i should not have to just put on a happy face for him and pretend nothing is going on because he thinks everything to do with my eating disorder is fake.
Despite the fact that he thinks my meds are placebos or not.. the fact that they take the edge off my anxiety and chaos in my head and make me feel more at ease and less uncomfortable in my own body should be enough to just support me in taking them, simply because they make me feel better and shouldn't that what one wants for someone they love? I would of thought so.. but i guess i just don't understand why he would rather believe im just making it all up in my head and i can just not eat, plain and simple.
I feel like i quite bitter about this on the inside.. It makes me second guess my choice to stay in a relationship with someone who leaves me to struggle on my own and makes me feel stupid for seeking medication to deal with it..
I almost feel like i should just stay away from him until i have my *kitten* sorted out again.. but i feel like he would take it badly and the wrong way and be hurt by that choice... but should i care? I should do what i feel is right for me right? If he truly loves me he will be upset but understand that i am not me and i need to be.. right?1 -
December 20 2017
So I wrote him a letter, I feel like i made the right choice here and i feel like i said what i needed to say without making him feel like he was losing me or solely to blame.
So.. I have had a lot of time to think about some things since i have been up all night.
These last couple days have been both disheartening and enlightening for me at the same time.
There are some things I have realized in the last couple days that I feel are very important to me.
Some of those things being:
That i felt like your words while drinking were honesty that i needed to hear.
I believe that you are a very good guy to me.
I believe that you do love me in your own way to your full capacity.
I believe that you go out of your way every single day to make me happy.
I believe that you are not getting back what you put in but you try your best to understand that because i think you feel for me on a different level then i do but that level is not something that i will ever be on simply due to different circumstances in our lives.
I believe that you really truly want us to be together forever.
Here is some of the things that i felt that night.
I felt that I am slowly losing myself and that it was negatively reflecting on you.
I felt that I was not giving you my own full capacity even if it does not match yours. We both love in our own ways and I was not meeting mine.
I felt that my own inward anger and hate that i feel towards myself was taking over my mind and blocking out the positives that I know are there but often do not allow myself to see.
Those were the enlightening things.. But there was still a couple issues to which i was disheartened on..
You are a person who has gone through some hard times. Harder then anyone should have to go through. I cannot relate to your depression but i empathize with it.. I also envy your ability to have better days, I know you use me as that reason, I am glad i can be, I don't want to change that but it is also a lot of responsibility on me.
I know you would like me to be able to use you as that same reason to over come. I know you also feel like you have pulled through on things much harder and feel that i too should be able to over come my own issues. But it is an area in which i truly struggle and while i know you feel that your advice comes from a place of experience, one simply sometimes cannot take advice, no matter how good it is and just over come in that instant. As you would know this yourself, since it took you many years too.
Many of the areas of my life, i agree, they can get better, they can change, as long as i keep going.. And i will, it will take time, i will change them.. but at the same time i still need to go through the feelings that i feel inside, i do not have the capacity to just shut them off entirely and just wake up every day and pretend i don't feel.. or shut off the thoughts that run through my head.
I know you feel like a lot of this comes from me not being able to get passed my past and you are right, to some degree, there is a lot of things that have left a lot of wounds. And while a lot of the stuff started way back into my childhood, its hard to heal wounds if acid keeps being poured over them in the on going years, I have actually not had that much time to heal, just the last couple years. I have also not really had that much of an opportunity to work on them in that time period either.
Lately though.. the major fuel of my depression has been my weight gain. I know so much about weight gain and the consequences of my own choices, it makes you far more aware of your own gain then it did when i was heavier and didn't know much about anything other then i knew i was fat cause i ate too much. I spend so much time giving advice and yet i am unable to take my own advice and use it.
For a long while now i have felt like you have been supportive yet unsupportive at the same time. You encourage me to exercise, you have tried to motivate me that way. And i know that you are strongly opinionated in the fact that you think that exercise is a major component to weight maintenance. And in a normal every day circumstance, you are right. It is important.
Unfortunately the unsupportive part comes from my eating disorder perspective.
You are entitled to your opinion, I know you feel that it is simply something to be over come and that my medications are unneeded and just placebos. I know that for you.. you are trying to relate to it logically, because emotionally you can't and that is why you struggle to understand and perhaps thats why you just can't make that attachment.
I decided a few days ago to test your theory and i did not take the pills. Because as you said.. no one is forcing me to eat and you are right, i put that food in my mouth.
By the time i got home last night I was starting to feel my skin crawl.
I felt uncomfortable. I felt paranoid. Anxious. My mind started with the chatter like it does.. and not just about eating.. it also causes me to constantly consider starving myself.. thinking of ways i can stop giving myself access to food.. throwing out my food is usually the go to option.. but i start going beyond that, i knew i had no money but then i start thinking about how little i can eat while i am away in PEI, But then i start thinking about how even if i did get rid of all my food and make sure i keep no money around to obtain food, there is still you, I still have the ability to obtain food to eat at your place.
So then i start feeling trapped. I start feeling like every bite of food i am taking is adding 10lbs to my body, im tugging at my clothing feeling uncomfortable, like i am busting out of everything. Hearing you tell me you find me a little less attractive since my weight gain comes to mind now, even thought i appreciated the honesty, it fuels the chatter.
The eating disorder started when i was small.. The main characteristic of borderline personality disorder is not being able to take peoples comments and critisms well. Considering my history of constant verbal abuse it is safe to say i never took it well. Even online. Even from strangers. The eating disorder and the personality disorder go hand in hand as eating disorders are often developed due to the inability to handle emotions. The eating disorder was fueled by my abuse growing up. I ate and ate and ate because i didn't have to think about anything else but that and even when i was stuffed to the point of almost exploding.. i would only wait as long as it took for that feeling to pass before eating again.
The feelings of my skin crawling, anxiety and paranoia did not surface until i lost my weight, as i now had obtained something i prayed to a god i didn't even believe in for. But i still have a lot of emotional issues, i still struggle to not let things get me down, to not let peoples opinions of me bring me down to not let the things people think and say about me to weigh heavy on my mind and also you too have a great effect on my mood and feelings, I care about you, you are important to me and therefor your opinion of me, your views they impact me to an even greater degree because i value those the most.
You tell me i am beautiful. Amazing. Awesome. You tell me those things constantly, regularly and i truly do believe you are gineuine in your compliments. But during the times when you have made me feel like i am not. During the times when you have made me feel alone and also during the times that i wish i could be the person that i want to be for you, that wants to go out and have fun and try new things, those are the times that cause my emotions to really take over and cause me to struggle.
The difference between having my pills and not having my pills.. Even if you think they are placebos.. even if they ARE placebos.. when it comes to someone you are about who is truly struggling.. regardless of what it is.. if it helps.. shouldn't that be what is most important?
Yeah.. sure.. i wish they did work as good as they did when i first took them, where i had absolutely 0 interest in food what so ever. But.. that is the part that you are right about, that is the part where no one is forcing me to eat, i either do or i don't.
But what they do help with.. is they slow down my brain. That swirling chaos.. that chatter, that paranoia that causes me to crawl out of my skin and go to great lengths to try and find a way to starve myself as a fix to my weight gain, the anxiety i feel when i know i am trapped and can't escape food no matter what i do because it's everywhere i go.. The reason that is why they do that is because they are also a medication used for ADHD.. which you say you have, your brain is also always going, it fuels your desire to always be wanting to do something, it fuels your energy to just go, go, go. But I do not have ADHD but my brain still swirls in chaos, only in a more self destructive manner
I took a pill last night after 3 days without.. they take about an hour to kick in.. and regardless of if those pills are real or imaginary.. within that hour or so i felt a great amount of relief. And while that may seem like nothing to you, it is something to me..
Much like you cannot stop yourself from playing with anything around you, doing little dances or being unable to just sit still for long and needing a some what constant stream of stimulation, which isnt a negative, i know you use it as fuel to experience life, Once the chaos in my head starts, i cannot just ignore it or shut it off.
As i tried to explain to you the medications were a last resort to things i had tried after my weight loss in an attempt to maintain all the hard work i had done.
My weight gain.. it's left me feeling a complete loss of control. I feel like no matter how much i want and desire, i keep grabbing nothing but air, this loss of control is a huge fuel to my depression, even you have said i seemed happier when i was smaller and i was.
The last few days where i have been shutting off my phone.. it's because i was going back and forth between my desire to just be alone for a while to try and get my life back together in that sense. I would shut the phone off but after a few hours or a sleep I would then turn it back on because at the same time as desiring to be alone i also felt incredible guilt and fear.
Guilt because I felt like i was being unfair to you and i knew you would feel hurt.
Fear because I know what a great guy I have and that being unfair like that would only result in my eventually losing you from hurting you. And i did not want that. I knew i had reached that borderline when you reached for a drink that night which is why i went over, I wanted you to know that i did actually care about how i was making you feel.
After listening to you speak, spending the night then the day, then spending the afternoon and evening with you, I realized how important it was that I am able to give you what you deserve, but i can't do that the way i am. And i can't get myself back to that if i keep putting myself second. When i am with you i keep putting myself off until tomorrow. Lets order another pizza, eat another bag of chips, have another bowl of ice cream, i keep giving up my desires to tomorrow.. and every time i do i feel more and more depressed and defeated. All i wanna do is sleep, its mentally exhausting.
You tell me i am lazy.. but the person on the inside and the person who is just plain exhausted are not the same people.. I feel like i can't devote the energy to myself because i am trying to devote that energy into giving you what i know you deserve, but how can i give you that if im not where i should be in order to do that, i am always going to fail. I don't want to fail. I care for you and despite the fact that you feel i don't mean it when i say it, Dustin, i really truly do love you. My actions lately have not given that impression and for that i apologize.
So.
I am going to put myself first for a little while.. i don't know for how long..
I know you are going to take this hard.. but please know this. We are not breaking up. You are my boyfriend, I am your plumpkins. That will not change. But i do need to just be alone, for a while, I need to focus on me, i need to just.. be around my own food and regain control. I need to find my own energy and put some effort in, just like you said. But i need to be able to do that on my own terms without feeling like i only have certain hours to be able to do this. I know you say that if i need or want to do something i can just say so.. but i often feel obligated to not bother because you also say i don't want to do anything with you anymore.
We will still text every day.
We will still talk on the phone every day.
I don't want to not hear from you. You are still someone who is my support in other areas of my life but this is just one area where you are right, i need to change it and this is how i feel i need to do it.
I want you to call me after you read this. I don't want you to feel like i am mad at you. I also don't want you to feel abandoned either or like you need to resort to drinking to cope with not having me, you still have me. But it's important to me that i get back to who i was physically.. i just can't cope with this weight gain any more. It's killing me inside. Love you.
I hope he responds to this decision well.. if not, i will still choose me, i need to.3 -
@HellYeahItsKriss - DAMN, woman. I just want to stand up over here and give you an hour long standing ovation! Sincerely. That took a lot of guts, a lot of strength, just to sit there and write that all out. Putting ourselves first is a constant struggle. Please, no matter how he responds, stick to the commitment you made to yourself. You are worth it, and you deserve every moment of putting yourself first...
I myself deal with some sort of hard to define mental issue that has worn a number of labels, but fits none of them well. I have mild hypomanic spins, nothing like full manic spins that some of my bipolar friends suffer, but enough to know that there's something not 100% correct in my brain chemistry...
So much of this sounds familiar, on one level or another, to many of my own experiences.
One thing I found is a discount thing for the medication, and I don't know if you are using it already or not... https://www.shireregistration.com/BED Savings?s=b87f17e7-4c29-4e46-a34a-e5e7e1e90097&mid=V002682&_ga=2.157267507.907629231.1513778137-1594697091.1513778137
If that link doesn't work, there are a couple places it shows up on this page, also: http://www.vyvanse.com/binge-eating-disorder
That being said, please talk to your provider. Explain that due to the situation that pulled you off of work and the ongoing results of that, you're looking at not being able to afford the medication for a time. Ask if there are any programs that the doctor knows of to help you during this time...because being off of a medication like this is really hard... I'd also also if the doc knows of anything for the interim time if you have to be off it for a few days again. Sometimes there area combination of medications you can use that are far lesser effective, but can allow a gap coverage, etc. I wish there was a more direct way I could help, but sadly I can't... I have to wonder, though, if you are getting some financial support from your father, I think you said, couldn't you explain that you have need of a mental health medication that you could get a little more funds to help with? Can you do typing or transcription or other online, chat only type jobs? I think amazon has a little "side job" thing... Some places you have to be online and click stuff and answer surveys and such. Swagbucks allows you to earn credits to purchase gift cards to places (or generic ones like a Visa card usable anywhere)...would something like that help you fill in the gaps?
I'm not sure you mentioned where you are in the world, but some areas have programs to help different ways... I'm sending you all the best of thoughts...
And please, no matter how Dustin responds, try not to second-guess your choice. You did the absolute best thing for your mental health there...IMO.... (HUGS)2 -
@KnitOrMiss
Hi, Thank you, He did respond well, said it's fine.. although i could tell it was bothering him a little cause he would say he wasn't going to see me for a long time a few times.. even in some joking manners.
I checked your links to the Vyvanse, But they are for the U.S and I am Canadian, but i will make an appointment with my doctor after i get back from my holiday in PEI and ask about a cheaper alternative to fill in the gap until i get some money again.. cause yeah.. its $195 for one month.. and my dad is already giving me $820.. i feel like asking for an additional $200 is just too much.. I will also need a $78 bus pass in January and i don't know where i am going to get that either.
I had a job interview yesterday with a nursing home, same company i used to work for. If i get this job, things may turn around, as i will regain benefits again and be back to making close to $15 an hour.. My dad offered to be a cosigner so i can move before april's tax *kitten* storm hits, if i can get cheaper rent it will give me a bit more money to work with to keep my debt under better control and give me funds to afford my medication as well. I just really need this job to work out.
They just sent me the email requesting my references, so I will just keep my fingers crossed and hope something good finally happens for me.
It's hard when you deal with a mental disorder and it's not defined or diagnosed.. it makes it hard to treat. I take Imotrigen, it helps to a certain degree, hasn't really helped with the depression but it's supposed to help bring me back down from extreme fits of anger that i often experience.. which is does do.. even if i had to punch Dustin in the face the other day.. i don't think i have a very strong punch tho.. so i guess he's lucky there. lol2 -
I just googled the medication name. Perhaps if you use the Canadian Google site, you can find something similar on your side of the...well, line? I was going to say pond, but that's UK... On your side of the frozen tundra? LOL What do you even call that???
Regardless, I am crossing my fingers and toes, tossing some salt over my shoulder, and sending up all the best thoughts for you to have some things turn around for you heading in to the new year.
And here's the rub about asking family for money ... do you think your dad would be willing to let you suffer, if he knew what you needed? My dad wouldn't be willing to let me suffer. It's my depression that lies to try to convince me otherwise... (HUGS)1 -
No, he wouldn't but, can't draw blood from a stone as the expression goes. lol
ill see what google turns up.. i find canadians aren't really given the same things as americans tho most times, probably cause we already have free health care lol1 -
December 22 2017
Ooookay.. so i disappeared for a bit.. LOL
I got up Tuesday afternoon at 12:30pm so i could be ready for that job interview. I had it, they collected my references and now i am waiting back with my fingers crossed so right the blood cut off and my fingers went black and fell off.. lol.. just kidding.
For some reason i could not sleep until 5:30am on Thursday morning.
I was awake for abooout... 41 hours... LOL
what did i do with all that insomnia? I decided to plan out the pieces of my world that i lost.
I am going to be moving before April. My rent apparently goes up then also at this apartment from $820 to $850 a month and i just can't be bothered to pay that much now for a place.
my goal is to move somewhere thats at least $100 cheaper then where i am now. And all i need besides that is this job to hire me. If they take me I will work my *kitten* off and pick up as much over time as i can and put the money away to rebuild. It's going to take me at least 2-3 years to do it.. But it will be worth it.
So.. while I have no idea what kind of apartment i am going to be moving into.. I have taken it upon myself to plan every last detail of how i am going to slowly get back the place of my dreams.
And I have pictures of all of it
Are you ready for a little bit of color and imagination? It took me those 41 hours plus a bunch more today after i slept to do all this and put things together.. But i think i am happy with it. So here goes!
I am going to be starting with the bedroom first. Buying the furniture before buying the accessories.
Bed I want, I will also be buying the mattress for it as well since i do not have a bed at all.
Chest, Bedside and Dresser.
Full Length Mirror
This interesting piece is actually built to hide the litter box but look like a decorative table.
Clock
Floating Shelves, However i already own these.
Laundry.
So now.. With all the Black, I always then toss in a bunch of color. And Just so you know.. I like Unicorns, Rainbows, Cats lol
Quilt + Pillows
3 Piece Artwork on Canvas
Multi-Colored Light
Window Treatments
Colorful T-light decorations - These will be placed across the dresser
T-light Decoration also, this will be placed on the Cat litter concealer
Non flame style t-lights which will be placed on my floating shelves.
Wooden Sculpture - Will be placed on the Chest
recycled metal sculpture - Bedside table.
After that I will be purchasing the living room (Mind you i will be buying the living room furniture before buying the bedroom accessories)
Couch, Love Seat, Chair.
Coffee Table, Side Table, End Table.
TV + Tv Stand
Area Rug
Floating Shelving
Clock
Table Lamp
Floor Lamp
Rainbow City Art on Canvas (Already own this)
Cat Unicorn Art on Canvas
Record Rainbow Art on Canvas
Hashtag Unicorn Art
Unicorn Pillow
To be displayed across my side table
Table Top Fan - To be placed on Coffee Table.
Heart Sculpture - End Table
Slanted middle of floating shelf + The white tea light lantern beside it. (See Bathroom)
These items all vary in size, so I won't know where to place them until i have them.
bathroom would be next on the list.
Shower Curtain
Bath Mat
clock
Art
Except for the white one, the colored pieces will be displayed on the Over toilet storage.
Bath and Hand Towel and Face Cloth sets in all 7 Colors.
There will also be some All white accessories going in.. like toilet scrub brush and plunger set, 3 tier storage box, toothbrush, soap and tumbler set, Paper towel holder, Extra toilet paper rolls holder, garbage can, and a laundry bag that hangs off the door knob. I own the all white over the toilet storage cabinet already.
KITCHEN!! -- This are is going to be a bit hit or miss, because kitchens can vary in an apartment.. but if i have the space, here is what is going to go down!
I go white with kitchens lol.. just like i do in bathrooms.
Adjustable 2 person table set.
Leaning Shelf.. This is to display all of my rainbow kitchen related items
Here is a picture of some of them, although I have much more now lol
To keep some of my more frequently used items out without taking up counter space. It will also be used to house some more of my rainbow things.
mug tree
Wine Glass Display
bread box
I have about 60-70 Different kinds of spices so this will be my shelf to display them.
Dish Set. Half will be used to create 2 place settings on the table set.
Will be displayed on that skinny push cart.
Displayed on Mug tree (set of 4)
To be used to create place settings at table.
Displayed in wine glass holder
Counter Top Display
wall art
wall art
Coasters (Set of 4) -- Two for place setting on table, Two for living room.
Floor Mat
There will be some other things purchased.. Hoping to find some dish towels, Purchase a counter top dishwasher if the apartment doesn't have a dishwasher included, and a white trash can.
Last but not least.. lol I Have the entrance way
Key Hook
Door Mat
Coat Rack
An accessory to hang off the coat rack besides my jacket.
Depending on what the apartment looks like and space, i also picked out a couple things for the cat.
Wall Art
Food Mat
Food Bowls
.... And i think thats everything.. lol... Just posting this was almost as much work as finding all that stuff lol
But it did stop me from binge eating and boredom eating for the last couple days!
1 -
That is so incredibly colorful and exciting! I'm looking forward to your ongoing progress. Still crossing my fingers for you on the job and the likely move... I'm glad you found something enjoyable to distract you for a while...0
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Very impressive!...and what a great way to stop from binge and boredom eating too!
Good luck with the job prospect & upcoming apartment hunt.0 -
December 23 2017
So after a 6 hour bus ride I finally made it to my father's place in Prince Edward island for Christmas.
I feel like once I leave here I am going to be particularly motivated to start working out again and get my calories under better control.
While I have not been binge eating my calories have still been too high. My father has put on quite a bit of weight. It explains why he has been bumped to insulin. I'm going to observe his eating habits the next few days.. his girlfriend and I spoke on fb a while back about trying to manage his calorie in take without having him think he is doing it.. like using his diabetes to encourage more veggie choice over starch. Or finding ways to cut calories without much notice like mixing cauliflower mash into mashed potatoes.
With him having COPD I'm worried his extra weight is not only going to be bad for his diabetes but also his lungs.
I was into the chocolates last night. They have jars of them out.. gonna ask her to hide them while I'm here. Lol2 -
Such a wonderful daughter, wanting to help her father's health while making sure it isn't a burden to him, he's a lucky man...1
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December 24 2017
So Dustin struggles with alcohol. He spent 3 months not drinking.. then of course we had that bad night the other night.
Today we were talking and then he went super quiet for hours. That only happens when he is drinking.
He told me he is alone and sad so he is drinking today. He is sad cause I'm here with my father.
I'm here trying to celebrate Christmas with my family for the first time in 4 years.. and I can't even enjoy it cause he is at home sad and getting drunk.
I needed this time. It was 4 days away where I was just supposed to forget all my problems and be happy for just a couple days.
But if he can't even handle this... Without resorting to depression and drinking.. how am I supposed to take the time away to better myself? He said it was fine... but clearly it wasnt.
I put the alcohol back in his mouth I guess... even tho he says no one makes me eat.. I can just not do it.. and now it seems like he's drinking just cause I am not there physically and need time to better myself.. he can't just not drink right?
I don't know what to do.. I feel like I am stuck between trying to understand cause he is depressed to just walking away from this because I don't want to be this responsible for someone's happiness that spending time with my dad at Christmas makes him drink himself into a coma.
Struggling not to emotionally eat right now.3 -
Dumped him.
I sat through the whole phone call with him telling me to shut up and *kitten* off and that I wasn't meant to be happy cause i am never happy with anything...
But as soon as he said that my father was scared to talk to me cause I am "skitzo-*kitten*-phranic" .. that was the end for me.
I will not look back again at this guy.3 -
December 25 2017
We did all the Christmas stuff today.
I took lots of pictures and videos.
These pictures and videos are important to me.
I feel like I have nothing really of my father.
Altho I am feeling a bit down tonight..
Caught on video is a comment about how his gift plans for his girlfriend failed because of me needing help with money cause I'm struggling..
Sigh.. 31 and look at me.. so pathetic.
2018 has to change. I need to make changes.
This can't be where I'm stuck in life.. I don't want my father to live out his remaining years just giving me money.4 -
December 26 2017
Feeling really down tonight. Just feeling like I have such a pointless existence. Feeling guilty.
As much as spending time with my dad is important to me I feel like I just can't wait to get out of his way tomorrow..
Sigh0 -
I'm 41. My parents are still having to help me due to some residual fallout from my divorce, and then my ex messing me about on taxes. But the simple fact is, our parents help because they care. Someone probably asked your father very specific and possibly leading discussion likely before being caught on camera.
And I can tell you that if he is a decent person at all, he would not want you to feel bad. He made his choice. His GF might have been disappointed, and their relationship might depend on elaborate gifts, but I can promise you that if I had to give nothing at all to my boyfriend because my daughter needed me or financial help, if he was disappointed in me or that, he's not worthy of me.
Sure, I might have wanted to do something specific, and been slightly disappointed if I couldn't do it, but I would never ever want my daughter (she's 17, btw) to feel responsible at all. If I made her feel bad at all, I would feel like the biggest, most selfish jerk.
If you believe your father is a decent person, please talk about this with him before you leave. Don't leave it unsaid.
(Hugs)0 -
Shes not disappointed, it also doesnt hinge on gifts, shes actually a very selfless person, shes been very lovely to my father, she took care of him when he had cancer and helped him do what he needed to do..
I think thats why it bothers me.. *I* wanted her to have a good christmas, i feel like i took away from that.
at 31 i should be passed this.. i shouldn't be struggling anymore. I just wanna be able to take care of myself. I wanna show up at christmas and have gifts and surprises for them. He's 60 now.. it's time i start doing things for him.. he's given me enough.2 -
December 27 2017
So.. Tomorrow taking control starts.. I took some before photos.. I am very disappointed in myself.
135lbs I used to be and I let myself get to this point. I have an old photo of myself when i hit 199 pounds, i look exactly the same as i did in that photo, in this photo.
In lieu of using a weight trend app i decided to use Excel so I feel more involved in the process. I took measurements and am in the process of creating a meal plan.. Half the month is consistent, the other half is left free to involve variety, i just don't know what i want to put in there yet, simply because i do not have a job yet or any money.
300 calories burned on the elliptical 4x per week.
Food is going to be tight for a while.. I had $50 to do me for the month.. which was enough to buy a 10lbs bag of potatoes, a couple 5lbs bags of carrots, a whole chicken, lettuce, a turnip, 2 $1 bottles of diet soda, 2L of skim milk and some cat food and that is it. I have a frozen turkey i am thawing now.. I will make a large batch of soup.. I have some meats left to make some dinners with.. I got the remaining of my belongings from the ex, which included some food i cooked, although it appears he ate some of it, so there was only a few containers left.
Based on food availability, Calories won't really be an issue.
My goal is to get myself back on a normal sleep schedule.. none of this being up til 4,5,6am anymore and sleeping until 3 or 4 in the afternoon. I never wanna get up and do the things i need to do in my day. Also, my pills wear off by then and it's just screwing with my eating.
I am going to start shutting everything off at 12am now. Lights, computer, phone.
I can't let myself go down hill anymore..
2 -
December 28 2017
Got a little more of my meal plan done.. although it may change since i have not tried any of these recipes and I don't know how many calories are in them. Soup is my go to food when i want filling options. But They look good, so i thought i would share a few pictures from the recipes I have picked for my first month of meal plan.. (Which may not start until february mind you lol)
Name is on the photo lol
Name is on the photo again.
Italian wedding soup
Italian Wedding soup pasta skillet
Jambalaya Soup
This was supposed to be Creamy garlic salmon pasta but the recipe apparently got removed.. so i found this one for Salmon fettuccine.
I found a bunch more recipes for the other days.. I am sure a lot of these will transfer over into march, since i will freeze left over servings.
I tend to alter recipes, so i can lower the calories in them.. It will be interesting to see how big the portions are/calories when i make them.
2 -
December 29 2017
So my first day of keeping within my calories went good. Hit 1200, my goal is 1400 but where food is limited, my main concern is simply to hit 1200 right now.
I have some of my personal Challenges planned out.. some of them involve getting some exercise in and others involve just taking pride in my life and to just stop letting things go.
Since i am trying to get my sleep schedule switched around, I will be up all night and all day tomorrow until it's time to shut down everything. No later then 12am. No exceptions.
I have a turkey to cook so i am going to put that in the oven. I am also going to clean up some things around the apartment. Probably gonna move the furniture around again.. i find i clean better that way.
Had a little fun with snapchat tonight.. lol.. I figured that since i took those before photos to show myself why i need to gain control.. i should also take photos that at least let me know im not ugly as sin either lol..
I will probably also get my cardio in today at some point.. dunno if i can do it at this time of the night tho, the noise from it might travel through the floor more then i think it does.. but maybe early this morning before i go to my doctor appointment.3 -
January 2 2018
I am very deeply depressed these days.
I feel like I'm really struggling with everything...
I put in my 30 days notice for my apartment because I just don't have enough time to find a job that's going to be able to pay the rent that I'm paying now and even if I did get a job there wouldn't be enough hours I would be able to work to pay it and there is nobody left for me to borrow money from if I couldn't get a job or pay my rent I would be on the hook for that $820 and it would just end up being another debt and it would end up being a negative reflection on my rental history which does not help me find a new place since my credit is already terrible and I'm going to need a co-signer to move
I put my 30-day notice in the day before yesterday and of course as soon as I did that my laptop decided it no longer wants to work anymore
Without a laptop I can't search for apartments and I can't search for jobs and I also can't start school in two days because my classes are online and I need a computer.
I've always known that I'm not a very good person.
I grew up to be a very distant person who really made an effort into pushing people out of my life... In fact I still do it
I am insecure and I don't know how to let someone care about me or love me and as a result as soon as they try to I become very impossible to be around
I become very irritable and angry and my personality becomes somebody that they don't want to have around and most likely over the years I have probably hurt a lot of people
I realize that a person like that doesn't deserve anything in life which is probably why at this point I have nothing left and I have been left with no way to restart my life
But it's not like I can just wake up today and not be that distant person
I always feel like nobody understands me... Like I'm the only person who's living in reality... Everybody else seems to think one issue is one issue or that everything has a fix or nothing is as doomed As It Seems
And maybe they're right to be so optimistic and trust me I've been trying since March I've tried I've tried to see things as that they could get better
But as things keep going through the months
First I lost my job... Then I lost all of my possessions... then I just started gaining weight and just can't seem to regain control because I feel like everything in my life is just swirling and I can't focus... so I cashed out my rrsp and was supposed to rebuild my life... Get a new place and use that money to purchase new furniture to put in it I had everything all picked out and then something happened and I had to put half the money I had set aside towards vet bills... I wasn't able to find an apartment because there wasn't anything available at the time due to students going back to school... And the remaining little bit of money that I had was used towards trying to help me survive at this apartment I'm in now while I struggled with these minimum wage jobs that couldn't help me make enough to live where I am... And then eventually I ran out of money
I still tried to remain positive
But as this month has started and as I realize that I'm not going to have enough money to bring any of the remaining things in my life with me besides what can fit inside of a car and that I was going to be moving into an apartment with nothing but a few boxes of my stuff and the mattress part off of my futon so that I didn't have to sleep directly on the floor... as I realize that while I'm still waiting to hear back from that nursing home job there's a good chance that because I really want this and it would change my life I probably won't get it because I really want it... Knowing that I'm going to have to go back to working a minimum-wage job and that I won't be able to even afford anything past paying my bills so that the apartment that I was going to end up living in could become something more than a bunch of boxes and a mattress on the floor
These realizations were heartbreaking for me but I was willing to accept it despite the tears and then of course today I wake up and my laptop just will not work anymore
When you only have 30 days to find an apartment had only so much time to get a job to pay for the new apartment you would want to move into... It just seemed like the Last Hope and prayer that I had to just do something to help myself was now taken away
I have no money to get it fixed... I have no friends who can lend me a laptop or possibly know anything about computers to fix my laptop...
I signed up for school to better my life so that this would not be my reality just shity jobs and no pay for the rest of my life but in order to better my life and get my high school credits I need a laptop and now that was taken away as well
Maybe I deserve all this... I don't know how much more I need to repay in life before I'm allowed to move back up in the world
There's only one thing left in my life now that they could take away from me and that would be my cat and if they take that cat away from me...
I will have no reason left to even wake up in the morning
I really honestly don't know what else to do1 -
I'm sorry you are so depressed. I don't know if you have resources around you, but near me, there are mental health clinics for the unemployed and such. It might help to try something like that... Also, are there suicide hotlines that you can call? If you present with an urgent situation, it might help push through the health care system more readily...
All of that being said, I know you're talking about leaving your things behind... And your laptop being broken... Here in the states, we have public libraries that have community machines available for everyone to use. Another library has tablets and such...for rental on site...
If you are going to have to leave things behind, why not try to sell them, even if for less than they are worth, to give you a miniscule nest egg to get started again. I know there aren't many things, and they aren't worth that much to any one else, but even $20 for more food or cat food or gas for the car/bus fare, etc. would be helpful...
We also have the ability to sell plasma to a donation center here to earn a few hundred dollars a month... Anything to help get you started again...
There are numbers like 411 and 211 that you are supposed to be able to call for community resources. Heck, there might even be people in groups on Facebook or Craigslist that will take a run of furniture for you from one place to another.... We have groups called "Down on your Luck in (location here)" that are good natured people, that if you put your genuine needs out there (like no degree, skills in nursing aid but no formal education, willing to work hard, but WANT TO WORK), someone will be willing to point you in a direction...even some churches may help (I live in the Southern part of the US - and churches here are a very mixed thing...some good, some bad), but there are resources...
I wish I had words to help more than this... And the only thing I can say about your words and how your depression is lying to you about yourself right now is that, while I don't know you beyond interactions here, I personally don't believe than anyone I've ever met, online or otherwise, has ever deserved the type of mess you're currently in... It's hard, and it seems that way with more piling up on you, but depression is the best, most conniving, convincing liar I've ever encountered. It could make me believe the sky was green, not blue or cloudy or overcast...and that it was my fault it was green, or that it was only green for me... Don't believe the liar that is depression... It's grip will ease at some point... (HUGS) Be ready for when it starts to let go!2 -
I have decided to delete.
Thank you all for trying to support.. maybe ill return later.. best wishes.1
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