elderly and failing parents
allenpriest
Posts: 1,102 Member
Dad's 89 and declining mentally. We've been on the dementia journey for 10 years or so now. Dealing with his issues is a challenge. I got to go to the nursing home tonight at midnight as he's having problems. Ugh
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Im sorry Allen. It's a tough road to haul. Sadly I have been there and done that. So difficult to watch our parents failing.
Hang in there. 0 -
My GF is going through that with her mother. Such an awful thing to have to deal with... 0
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Yea, it sucks! So I can empathize.
My mom probably has some dementia setting in also, but due to stupid HIPAA laws my sister and I can't get her tested to get her help with it (she has to 'self identify' (and she thinks she's fine) or harm herself or someone else before it can be done).
I'm dealing with my 84yo mother, who won't move (even though the house is too big for her and she really needs to be in assisted living), continues to drive (even though she doesn't see well), and lives 800+ miles away from me (FL) and my sister (NY). So, I'm on a mission to do monthly trips to her location to at least help her get her bills done (can't see to write or sign the checks properly), and buy crazy amounts of food so she doesn't have to leave the house too often. It's a challenge, but you have to do what you have to do.1 -
I am sorry for those who suffer from this terrible condition and those who care for them. Its hard. I have seen it in my own family and it's tragic. One of my biggest fears.0
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You have to get poa and other legal stuff while they are competent. My brother and I simply got to the point where dad couldn't manage the house and needed cataract surgery. After tge surgery we got the dic the tell dad he couldn't drive until the follow up visit (which was true). We moved him out of the house and didn't take him back for the follow up until after he was settled in assisted living. But I have seen folks have to get a guardianship to protect a parent.
He drove again after the surgery but we had to take the car away when he started treating stop signs as suggestions. I couldn't live with him running over a kid just because he resented the h--l out of losing the car. I've had friends take parts off engines so the car is "broken" and it doesn't get fixed until the parent gets into the facility.
It's hard.
He fell again last night2 -
My father for a time was the main caregiver for his own mother who likely had Alzheimer's.
Years later now my father is being somewhat logical and open about planning for later care for himself and Mom.
My sister lives across the street from them and says things are o.k. for now even though she wishes Dad would cooperate a little more.0 -
allenpriest wrote: »You have to get poa and other legal stuff while they are competent. My brother and I simply got to the point where dad couldn't manage the house and needed cataract surgery. After tge surgery we got the dic the tell dad he couldn't drive until the follow up visit (which was true). We moved him out of the house and didn't take him back for the follow up until after he was settled in assisted living. But I have seen folks have to get a guardianship to protect a parent.
He drove again after the surgery but we had to take the car away when he started treating stop signs as suggestions. I couldn't live with him running over a kid just because he resented the h--l out of losing the car. I've had friends take parts off engines so the car is "broken" and it doesn't get fixed until the parent gets into the facility.
It's hard.
He fell again last night
Very sorry to hear about your father.
When my Dad needed his mother to stop driving, he did something mechanical to the car so she could not drive anymore.
Eventually, he found it hard to deal with his siblings over the phone because they did not recognize the degree of her deficits. When he reached the end of his tether, he had them all show up to make a plan together to put her in a home.
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Lost my dad about ten years ago to CJD. That desease progressed so quickly we were always trying to catch up to his needs. The only 'good' thing about it was he passed after only six months.
My mom did move into a smaller home in the city which they had purchased years before his death. She is thankful that he was able to renovate this home.
She was diagnosed with dementia about three years ago when she started struggling with her memory. My sister and I have talked with her many times about how should we handle those delicate decision based on her needs and my sister does have medical poa.
Last year she agreed to have a driver's evaluation by our local hosiptal to alleviate our concerns with her memory and driving after she mentioned forgetting how to turn off the brights. (We were more concerned with her losing way home.) Well, the evaluation's recommendation was for her to stop driving. She and my sister had a good cry and then she handed the keys over and told us to sell the d@mn thing.
We now have someone coming to clean for her after she broke her foot. She's not really sure how she did that but thinks she tripped over "that thing with the long hose on it".
Our current concern is her forgetting to eat or leaving something on the hot stove. Still working on that one, but we have discussed having someone come and prepare her evening meal.1 -
d_thomas02, your Mom seems very strong (handing the keys over). The time I care for my parents was the most stressful, difficult and unbearable time of my life. My Mom made me promise to never put her in a nursing home, but when I could no longer physically lift her out of bed by myself, I had no choice. She passed away 7 weeks later.
If you can get someone to come over once a day, that would be ideal. Eventually, I had to hire full time caregivers to care for my Mom while I was at work.
Good luck to anyone going through this - as long as your loved ones. It's a tough road to haul.1 -
My dad is 84 and has mild dementia. He still lives in his home, where my brother or I check on him regularly. We also have an agency come in daily to make sure he has taken his medications, has eaten, is wearing clean clothes, etc. He is adamant that he does not want to go to assisted living, so we are planning to keep him in his home as long as we can make it work.
He no longer drives, fortunately, and is happy eating microwaved food, so we don't have to worry about him cooking. Its still very challenging.0 -
My dad is 84 and has mild dementia. He still lives in his home, where my brother or I check on him regularly. We also have an agency come in daily to make sure he has taken his medications, has eaten, is wearing clean clothes, etc. He is adamant that he does not want to go to assisted living, so we are planning to keep him in his home as long as we can make it work.
He no longer drives, fortunately, and is happy eating microwaved food, so we don't have to worry about him cooking. Its still very challenging.
be careful with agency in home help. We "lost" a lot of things valuable and not from my parent's house. Wish we had taken precautions at the start and secured all the valuables and heirloom things before my Mom's dementia got bad. If your Dad's dementia is not bad yet, hopefully you have not lost much yet. My Mom's furs. The Silver. glasses? Lots of kitchen stuff. Clothes. Jewelry. etc... My nephews computer when he was staying over. etc...
Also I know it sounds sad but a nanny cam hidden will also open your eyes.1 -
Sharp decline lately. I'm not sure where the plateau will be or if we are just spiraling down.6
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My mom has been in assisted living/memory care for 14 months. I was lucky she sold her house and moved in with me 5 years ago, so I didn't have to deal with the long distance care stuff, she is still in denial that there is anything wrong with her memory.
The four years she was in my house were the hardest ever. And the last nine months I had a caretaker during the day while I was at work. Then she quit and the company could not find a replacement willing to come out to "cow country" to care for her.
She has a better quality of live and round the clock supervision and care, and a social life now, that she didn't have while living in isolation on my farm. I'm blessed she has the financial resources to pay for her facility, and that the cost in this part of the country is lower than where she was living. She still asks me every single time she sees me when can she come home. I just tell her that she has to stay there til I retire, that she is not safe alone and I can't quit my job to be with her full time. I'm not quite immune to the question, but I'm getting there.
I joined a few Facebook online groups and one caretaker forum on another site for times when I have questions or just need to vent.2 -
My Mom is 83 and just started dialysis a few months ago. Her retinas are bleeding and she needs shots in her eyes but has delayed getting treatment to deal with other issues. She has congestive heart failure and a bad valve that is scheduled to be replaced after they get her stable enough to do the stents they delayed because of a c.diff infection she got while in the hospital...
Dad is 88 and just had a pacemaker put in. Has been having TIA's too often and now the blood thinners are keeping him bruised and bloody. Both have their wits about them but it is hard watching them fall apart.
I work with both of them in a family business though Dad is really mostly retired. I say mostly because he doesn't think he is and he thinks he is really busy, but he isn't. LOL Mom is much more important. She is still our bookkeeper... We miss her more from a business perspective when she is out for extended periods.
I also work with my brother so the two of us get to share the trials and tribulations of watching our strong and proud parents fall apart. It seems both are destined to a death by a thousand cuts.
Whenever the phone rings at home, I almost assume something is wrong, especially if it is my sister. This isn't even mentioning the stress of my wife's elderly parents who rely on her for most of their care.
This is a difficult period for me and my wife, and my kids have their petty concerns and problems insulated from the weight and depth of the struggles we feel every day.
It is a tough time. Makes me think about life and death more than I'd like. I am a pretty positive person but I have to say this tests my resolve more than I could have imagined.
Good luck to all of us.3 -
Hardest time I had is when my Dad's health declined. In retrospect, he declined so fast that it was a blessing. Catching him falling was horrible. I'm sorry to all of you going through this. I've lost both my parents and so has my wife. Nothing prepares you for it. Anyone that is a care provider, bless them. It takes a special person.0
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@Cavspider I wonder if your parents could benefit from a non-family member who could visit them twice a week to help them with their health. They might need more care than they are getting from dr visits. And it would take some weight off you.1
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@RodaRose Appreciate the thought. It is a good one. My wife is a social worker for the aging community, including support for caregivers. When needed we have had access to what is available. It's not the care giving that is the problem, it is the worry. The worry never goes away.
We live very close together. My sister lives about 10 miles from my parents. My brother and I are closer, each about 4 miles away in different directions. I work about a mile from my parents' home. We all chip in to help. Gladly so.
But no matter, the worry nevers stops.1 -
My GF is searching for another facility to deal with her mother as the current home is no longer suitable. Interviewing facilities trying to balance cost vs appropriate level of care isn't fun.1
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Sorry, @cavspider. I suppose I had my own father in mind. After my father's surgery and physical therapy, he moves less. He loved the work in the pool but has not pursued a second program after that one ran out of weeks. Otherwise, he and Mom are busy and happy and my sis and bil live across the street.0
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We had a great Christmas but then lost Mom on New Year's Day.
As sick and frail as she had been, it still came as a shock when the doc said she was terminally ill and had less than 24 hours.
She had gone into the hospital for fear of pneumonia after contracting a severe chest cold/bronchitis. Her shortness of breath was not due to the bug but heart complications. The cardiologist believed that the virus compromised the temporary fix to her aortic valve she had undergone and she was inoperable.
Within 8 hours of hearing the bad news, Mom was gone.
It has been very rough for me and my family but we are now focusing on my 89 year old Dad.
Although I still can't believe she is gone, it is already getting easier to remember her fondly without dwelling on her loss with what seems overwhelming grief. While it is easier to talk about, I still feel like part of my life has been taken from me.
Work beckons and obligations mount. Life must go on.7 -
I'm so sorry, Cavspider. My sincere condolences to you and your family during this time of loss & grief...1
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So sorry for your loss.0
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Sorry for your loss cavspider. Will keep you and your family in my prayers during this time of grief.
If your Dad and Mom were close, prep yourselves for him to potentially go soon as well, especially if he's been having health issues too. My friend lost both his parents within a couple of months of each other last year. That was nearly the longest they had been separated from each other ever, so it wasn't a surprise when his Dad passed that his Mom was going to go soon. It was a blessing as she was suffering from cancer, but it still hit them very hard to lose everyone so quickly together.
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Was going to update on my Mom's situation, but MFP deleted my stuff...so I guess it wasn't meant to be. Suffice it to say, I've been living with my Mom for the past 5 months, and it's been a rollercoaster of ups and downs. It will be a blessing when God finally calls her home as right now she's a walking zombie skeleton who is smoking like a chimney and won't let me get her any in home help, even if I'm here to watch them (I really need someone who can get her to take a shower, at least). She's been talking about a trip lately, so maybe she's finally prepping to go soon to be with my Dad who passed over 8 years ago.6 -
Sorry for your loss Cavspider. It's a quick merciful way to go, there's that.1
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I'm so sorry for your loss!
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He's not a parent, but he's declined rapidly, and I'm saying goodbye to him today. I scheduled a home visit on Friday, and he's going over the rainbow bridge in just a few hours. He's the best buddy ever. Bottle baby raised his first weeks by vet techs. Came to live with me shortly thereafter. His sister was a runt and sickly, and nobody thought she'd outlive him. We've all three shared the same bed for sixteen years. It's been really tough, but it's the right time, and it will be all over soon.
Farewell my friend.
Thanks for letting me share this. It's ok. Just sad. And I've already been doing some emotional eating. Not sure if that will continue or I won't be able to eat. I already had some of that, too.
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My condolences, @mtaratoot... I've faced the same choice last year... and will likely face it in the coming year...
I had a pair of littermate rescues whose feral mother got hit by a car. Fed with an eyedropper for the first week. 17 years later, Susie had cancer... Her sister is still living but on meds for thyroid... Not sure how much longer she'll go.2 -
Thank you.
He went as peacefully as possible while sitting in my lap. He had a great kitty life. We had a very nice day yesterday, so in his last hours, he got to sit outside in my lap while the sun warmed his fur, and he even got to take a few steps in the grass.
After he had gone, I went for a long walk with a good friend; we played a round of disc golf. It was as if a weight was lifted; a burden removed. His last few days were difficult for me AND for him, but I was able to keep him comfortable through the weekend until the house call vet could come. I didn't want his last hour to include a ride in the truck. He hated that. I know I will go through a roller coaster of emotions in the coming days and weeks -- maybe months. But I also know he DID have a great life and a peaceful exit. I'm not sure what it will mean for his sister. She was looking around for him when she ate her breakfast this morning. She's been sick, but her health now seems to be improving, so she may stick around for some time to come.
Now the bummer is my lack of sleep the last few days and the stress I must have been under got to me; I woke up with a headache and a cough, so I stayed home from work. It's a sunny day, so I'll just watch the birds and think of my best buddy. Thanks for letting me dump this all out. I know there's compassion in this group.5 -
Sorry to hear of your loss. My pets have always been part of my family too. It is so hard losing them. They are such an important part of out lives and when they are gone, there is a hole not easily filled.1
