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lvnwell2day
Posts: 5 Member
Has anyone dated, online or otherwise while being overweight? If so what was your experience? What advice do you have, especially about online dating?
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Replies
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nope, sad to say, I can't help ya there. Truth is, I've been obese most of my life, since well before high school, and since I'm an introvert and "socially awkward" (according to my sister in law, which I really can't argue with!), I've never been on a date or asked on one. I have exactly 2 guys in my 38 years show a little interest; one was a guy who was mentally handicapped and old enough to be my father, and the other was a guy I realized was just trying to sell another sandwich to me at Arby's lol
I've never mastered socializing and tend to keep to myself. I also live in a small town area, though I still didn't have great socializing skills even when I lived near a city. Basically put, I'd be interested in seeing the responses you get!
Where does a late 30's gal go to meet available guys, especially if she doesn't want to do the bar scene?0 -
I’ve been the same my entire life. I’ve never had a serious relationship because of my severe self esteem issues, and the only dates I’ve been on were from okcupid about 4 years ago (one date and that was over pretty quick) and then within the past couple of months I’ve been trying out tinder. Had a pretty bad experience last month on my first date but I have another one tomorrow (different guy) so I’m hoping it actually doesn’t end in disaster.
The difference this time is I actually used photos from the waist up instead of just face pics, and i was open with him about my size when texting. We’ll see how it goes tomorrow though!1 -
I haven't but I have a friend who has. She is overweight and used some obvious photos to show what She looked like. She has had success and has had relationships from online dating. She's currently in a long term one now and has been with him for a few yrs. She says it's the new way of dating and you kind of have to embrace it. There is just a lot of prepping you jave to do because there are lots of a holes. But there are good and bad people everywhere, and "real life" doesn't insulate you from showing up on an episode of Dateline. I say get in the mud with everyone else and just slog through if you want to find someone. But also, tell all your friends you're looking, look at places you go (church, school, gym, etc.) You will find someone!
(And if you don't, hang out with me in Golden Girls territory. The water's fine!)2 -
It is tough to find confidence when you feel like you have to change to be accepted. It is a scary thing to put yourself out there and of course, rejection can always be painful. That being said, be honest with yourself and who you are talking to. Just be yourself and something great may come from it. Me and my wife actually met through our youtube weightloss channels back in 2009. We were subbed to each other and commented on each others videos enough until I one day sent her a message. Here we are now almost 10 years later. I've moved three states over, we are married, and have two children. Of course, we have gotten comfortable and gained all our weight back and here we are again on another journey. Take it slow, but try and break out your shell just a little bit. It's a scary world, but it can be very rewarding.3
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I met my fiance online through OkCupid when I was fat! I wasn't at the point I am now, but I was still firmly in the "obese" category. I think I was about 260 lbs then? I let my main picture be one of those flattering angle shots of just my face (kind of like my profile picture on here!) but I also had a picture or two showing more of me and I made sure to put the "fat" option and not just "voluptuous" or "curvy." I had several guys actually thank me for being honest! Of course, there were a lot of bad eggs. A lot of guys just plain weren't into me, didn't reply, told me in their messages they weren't attracted to me, or even went out with me and then told me afterwards. There were also some weirdos and creeps, but! I did meet several really nice guys who didn't care about my weight at all, and eventually, I met MY nice guy who doesn't care about my weight at all and whom I love in return. Even now I think he gets more upset about me not getting to eat junk with him anymore than I do! He just wants me to be happy at whatever size I am. Anyway, I'm not trying to brag, I'm just a huge proponent of online dating for the insecure and/or socially awkward. I think it's fantastic! It makes everything so much easier and there really can be someone out there for everyone. You just have to take a chance and put yourself out there.2
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I met my husband online but (and I am dating myself here), it was back when we had instant messenger. It was basically online texting: you had a username and a profile and people could type things of interest into a search engine and find people. One night in college, I got a message from a guy at a college in another state. We started talking and about 3 months in, we exchanged pictures. We kept talking for a year or so and then tried talking on the phone. Our friendship was texts and calls for 8 years. They day before I turned 26, I finally drove and met him in person. We were both awkward and decided to just be friends (and actually were). I moved into the same state as him after grad school at 28. We started dating soon after, moved in together at 30, got engaged and married at 31. We will be celebrating our 5 year anniversary this year, but I obviously am a big proponent of starting a relationship just getting to know one another! (Maybe don’t wait 8 years like us, but I least knew we liked each other without the physical stuff!) I was at my heaviest when we got married but he has always tried his best to make me feel beautiful, which everyone deserves!4
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I am also single but have dated quite a bit via OkCupid. I do think it was better a few years ago - I tend to go on stints where I'll open up to meet some people, then either meet someone or get discouraged and don't want to deal with it so take my profile down for months at a time. I also have a face pic as my main pic, but I had a full-body pic (still a flattering-ish angle, but it was there) so that a peruser could easily see it, and I chose "overweight" as my body type so that it was clear. Finally, that site does have questions that then match you with others. One asks about who you're attracted to, and you can say what answers you're okay with. I rank that question of highest importance and require that the guy's answer be that it doesn't matter or that he prefers bigger.
I'm weird, so maybe this isn't advice for everyone, but even with those items, if it looked like I was going to meet a guy in person, I'd state clearly that I was big. If he showed any - any! - hesitation at this point, I was not interested. Also, I was careful to say that I was only going to ask once and if he said it wasn't a problem, then I would believe him and let it drop. After that, I did not say anything more about it. You have to trust that he is telling the truth when he says it isn't a problem, because if you keep talking about it, that will be the problem, not the weight itself! Then, just be yourself. I've met good guys and, let's be real, some lying jerks, but the weight issue didn't really contribute to whether things worked out because the relationship wasn't based on that.
After this post, I'm tempted to renew my profile! We'll see. Good luck all you daters! @evilfairies I hope you have a fantastic date tonight!!!3 -
I’m currently single but meet someone an online site and we dated for 3 years. I think like some other folks said, having photos that are accurate to what you look like is important as it weeds out folks who may not be interested based on your weight. It can be really scary to put yourself out into the world as no one wants to be rejected or feel like they aren’t wanted but just create a profile on a site and see what happens. Sometimes I’m chatting with people a lot on it and sometimes I don’t look at it for months. Sometimes there are crappy people out there who may judge you on your body but I think that happens even if your skinny! I have lots of friends who are average weight and everyone had at least one weird online dating story. Like losing weight, dating is just another step in a journey and you may someone who supports you forward!2
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I met a guy online in 2016 and we dated for about a year. I broke up with him last fall. He was nice, though, slightly awkward. I was about 100 lbs heavier when we met, but he was attracted to me. In fact, he was not shy about the fact that he was only attracted to “fat girls”. And there’s the problem. I didn’t want to be fat. I was on a mission to lose this weight and I found myself worrying that he wouldn’t like me anymore when I lost the weight. I have never felt more free than the day I broke up with him. I went on a couple of dates a few months ago and he turned out to be a real creep, so I decided to throw in the towel for now. I’m going to focus on me and maybe think about dating again when I feel comfortable with myself. I honestly think I was only dating to please other people in my life, I’ve always been happy being single, so we’ll just have to see what happens.4
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I went on my Tinder date yesterday and it was pretty awkward, and afterwards when I went to send a message saying thanks, I saw that he had already unmatched us. I wasn't nearly as upset about this one as I was with my first Tinder date because the chemistry definitely wasn't there and we clearly weren't a match.
The fact that I'm not upset is kind of giving me hope, weirdly enough. It's made me realize that I could continue going on dates and if they don't go well, I won't spiral into a pit of self-pity, which is ultimately what I'm afraid of.
I think I'm going to give okcupid another shot, since it will help weed out people who have drastically different views than I do. So far Tinder hasn't really given me what I'm looking for.3 -
I met my husband online years ago. We've been married 16 years. I was over 200lbs, but not as big as I am now. I had quite a few bad dates before I met him, but none were so awful I wouldn't recommend it. Some were really fun. It's hard to meet people once you get out of school, so I say go for it. I haven't dated in forever, but I remember liking to meet up for a drink the first time so we weren't in for a torturous evening if we knew after a drink we weren't a match.2
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I filled out a profile several years ago for e-harmony, who promised to find your perfect match. My results told me I was unmatchable lol
I hadn't heard of Tinder or OKCupid - tells you I'm way behind the times on the dating sites front! I knew of e-harmony and Christian Mingle; what else is out there?0 -
@bmeadows380 there are so many sites out there. Bumble is one newer app (similar to tinder) where the woman has to be the first to communicate. I haven’t had any luck with it, but
I live in a smaller city so there aren’t a lot of people on it yet.0 -
I live in a really rural area (my town has less than 1,000 people in it, and I think there's might be something like 30,000 people in the whole county!) And it IS WV - I love this state and its home and I want to live here, but I acknowledge that when it comes to technology, we tend to be behind the times! And sadly, with the jobs situation being what it is, most of the folks my age that could left the state to find work (it took me 13 years to get back home and it was only because I was able to get a position close to home)1
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@bmeadows380 e-harmony told me the same thing! I was like, "Gee... thanks...." Turns out they do that to a lot of people. Seems like if they would just let all of us weirdos on there, they would have matches for us!2
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I found this thread very interesting. About ten years ago, I found myself divorced, a single mom to two wonderful boys, and new to this city. I knew I didn’t want to be alone, but didn’t have much time or opportunities to meet people. I was also very wary of dating as my exhusband and I hadn’t ended well. I was worried about the boys and how much I could hurt them....mother guilt is the worst! But I decided to join an online dating site and I met some really nice guys, went on a few dates, and made some friends. But then I accidentally met the best guy ever. He was patient and a little wary of relationships too. My boys loved him and we eventually moved in together, got engaged, and got married five years ago. I think for me, I knew my weight could be an issue, but I also had a ton to offer someone. I have my boys, am well educated, have a great job, am independent, and I would like to think that I have a great personality....I can tell a few good jokes! I didn’t need a man in my life; I wanted one in my life, but I wasn’t desperate. Sometimes being sure of yourself and knowing your worth and not just your weight, can be very appealing. My husband appreciated that and we have never looked back!5
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evilfairies wrote: »I went on my Tinder date yesterday and it was pretty awkward, and afterwards when I went to send a message saying thanks, I saw that he had already unmatched us. I wasn't nearly as upset about this one as I was with my first Tinder date because the chemistry definitely wasn't there and we clearly weren't a match.
The fact that I'm not upset is kind of giving me hope, weirdly enough. It's made me realize that I could continue going on dates and if they don't go well, I won't spiral into a pit of self-pity, which is ultimately what I'm afraid of.
I think I'm going to give okcupid another shot, since it will help weed out people who have drastically different views than I do. So far Tinder hasn't really given me what I'm looking for.
Just wanted to say that I’m sorry your date wasn’t what you hoped this time but I’m so impressed by your comments about being able to do it again because you knew he wasn’t right for you. I met my husband before I got too fat, think I was about 170lbs when we met, maybe less and I only got really fat after he lost his leg and I lost my horse. Luckily he still loves me whoever I am and says he only wants me to be happy with myself so I’m lucky there. What I’m trying to say is that I think you’re incredibly brave putting yourself out there and that there are good men out there who will love you for who you are and not care what size you are. Keep at it and don’t lose hope x
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@fatoldladyonamission Thank you so much for saying this! You're very lucky to have someone who loves you and stays with you through thick and thin (no pun intended???). Honestly, stories like that give me hope that I will find someone who is not just looking at my physical appearance. I'm going to keep trying until I find that person!2
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@evilfairies you’ll find that person, no losing hope. It just happens when you least expect it!1
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@evilfairies when you find that person, I hope he has an older brother you can send my way
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