Dating
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Let's all keep in mind the many tv shows based on how difficult dating is. Sex and the city, the Mindy project, living single, Golden Girls...everything good!
@evilfairies Percentage wise, they will all be no's (immediate or eventual) until you find a yes. Right now, you just have to keep crossing people off the list of possibilities. You can try to increase your chances by stuff like this:
https://youtu.be/d6wG_sAdP0U
Maybe?
Anyone who wants to couple up...godspeed in this month of love!
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I hope the ones that are single keep trying .... I met my husband in a newspaper ad called Upstate Singles , I had 6 just god awful dates LOL then I met Eddie , that was 27 years ago , we have been married come march 14th 26 years , I was big then , I am big now , He is about 6 foot 1 and weighs like 190 , He never cared I was fat and I had a daughter , He had a daughter so the 4 of us got together , now we have a son together , who is now 15 , and my daughter is 28 , his daughter is 35 with 3 girls . I kept looking and trying , if I would have stopped on that first Bad Date , I would have missed out on Eddie !!
BUT don't let anyone put you down or make fun or try to control you , don't let loneliness make you pick someone who is abusive . My Husband has never made fun of me or hurt me like that, I am very lucky . I have seen very Thin women being controlled , by their men , and they put up with it because he was very good looking or well off . Don't ever put up with that. Being alone would be better , then being abused !3 -
@tammyfranks2 My fiance is named Ed too! Maybe that's the secret. Everyone just needs to find an Ed!4
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I know a Ted? Does that count? lol He's not available, though1
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Haha mine is a Colin so that doesn't fit the theory. Honestly for those of you who are single those lovely blokes are out there. My hubby is the oldest of 3 all really genuinely amazing men. Hubby was the last one to get married and I'm 12 years younger than him but it works for us. There are more like him out there I know it!1
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For some reason I've always seen myself ending up with someone named Andy, or Mike, or Ben. Those are the 3 names that most scream "nice guy" to me haha, not that I'd turn any Teds down!
@bmeadows380 Haha I will certainly do my best!
@theowlbox You know, I had never really thought about it that way! And thinking back, I might actually be too picky, even though I've always considered myself to be pretty open-minded. For example, I "pass" on people who live with their parents or don't have a car. Maybe I'll start giving them a chance too, who knows!1 -
@evilfairies I don't know. I think not having a car or living with your parents are pretty good metrics to go by after a certain age! It's just a "Do you have your life together?" kind of question. BUT I guess you have to take that with a grain of salt because I was definitely guilty of being too picky. I never would've gone out with my fiance if I had realized he was divorced. He didn't put it on his profile or mention it in any of our conversations until the first or second date, but by then I had already decided I liked him. If I had realized he was divorced before we went out, I probably would've written him off like so many other guys before him! I always thought it was a bad sign, but we've been together longer than he was with his ex at this point, so I guess I was really wrong. Sometimes people get divorced, but it's not necessarily their fault or bound to happen again.1
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@evilfairies
I think not having a car or living with his parents should at least put up a warning flag to look a little closer, anyway
In that situation, I'd definitely want to know what kind of job he has and where he lived. Could be he lived in the city where he just didn't need a car - that would be fine. Are his parents older and is he contributing to the household through helping to pay bills and buy groceries and do the housework, or does he just sit and play video games all day?
Its good to be somewhat picky! romance just for the sake of romance can end really badly, and love is a 2 way street - if the guy is just looking for a girl for his own ends, physical or for someone to be his mom and take care of him and who can't be trusted to manage the finances and contribute to the relationship in a productive manner, then you really are better off single! You want a husband and a mate and a partner - not an overgrown kid!
@rabidhamster87
I'm from a very conservative, Christian background, and I know what you mean about the divorce thing. In the area where I grew up, people tend to have the knee-jerk reaction that the man is always the villain in any marriage that goes south, so that if the man is divorced, he's divorced for a very good reason, but the woman is always treated as the innocent victim. Which doesn't make a lick of sense, truthfully, because I know of 3 marriages personally where the man was not the reason for the divorce! The 1st one, the wife cheated on him blatantly, the 2nd, the wife got pregnant by the mans' best friend within the 1st year of their marriage, and the 3rd, the wife just decided she didn't want to be married to him anymore or raise the kids, so she just walked out and told him the kids were his.
The guys I work with have said that if a person is divorced and still single in their 30's and 40's or older, there's a very good reason for it; what I have to step back and remember is that that very good reason may not be because of the guy!
After all, I'm 38 and still single and have never dated before......course I'm beginning to think there is a reason for that, and it's not just because I'm obese........1 -
I met my husband on a blind date. Yes, a really real "blind date." We had never seen each other or spoken to each other; a mutual friend had the idea to set us up on a date and worked out the details. At the time, I weighed 285ish pounds (I'm 6'0 tall). I had had some disastrous dating experiences that made me worry about being a "big" girl, but I decided that I was sick and tired of worrying about my size. I believed then (and still do) that I am a valuable person worthy of great things and a great life, and that worth has nothing to do with the size of my pants or the number on my scale. I decided that I was going to live a wonderful and fulfilling life. If a man wanted to join me on this adventure and share this life with me, great, but if he didn't, no worries. I was still going to be happy.
And, apparently, shifting my thinking away from "will my size be a problem?" to "I'm awesome. I have a great life, and you (date) have the opportunity to be a part of it" was exactly what I needed to do. That confidence is one of the things my husband says he found most attractive about me. Who knew?!?
My weight has never been an issue for him. He was attracted to me at 285, he was attracted to me at my highest weight of 350 a few years ago, and he's attracted to me at my current weight of 311. He believes I am beautiful regardless of my weight. And, yes, I love to hear that, but you know what I love more? I love that he sees me as good and kind and loyal and brave. I love that he sees Christ in my heart and in my life and wants to help me get to Heaven. I love that he wants to have deep conversations with me and talk about silly things, too. I love that he wants me to be happy. I love that he loves me, all of me, even when I'm not easy to love.
So, the point of my rambling is yes, I, a very overweight/obese woman, dated and found love, and you can, too. It may be awkward and uncomfortable and downright terrifying, but taking risks sometimes bring wonderful rewards. Hubby and I will celebrate 11 years of marriage in May. The blind date was totally worth it.
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@bmeadows380 the only reason you’re single is because you haven’t yet met a man good enough for you. It’s nothing to do with weight or anything else, as @losingles says above there are men that will love you for you and just want you to be happy, you’ll find the right one, it’s just that it never happens when you expect or want it to.2
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@rabidhamster87 @bmeadows380 Yeah, in retrospect I should keep my standards where they are haha... I'm talking to someone on tinder now who works at a fast food restaurant at 30 years old and lives with his mom. Even though he's super sweet, I just can't see myself taking over as caregiver for him. I need someone who at least has the ambition to make a better life for himself.
It's just frustrating because it seems like all the guys who have their lives together are all taken at this point! I'm just looking for someone who is like me, who spent their 30-something years being too shy to form relationships but is otherwise a decent human being. @bmeadows380 You're basically in the same boat as me on that front, I've never had a serious relationship at 35. It's hard to get started when everyone else was dating in their teens, but we can do it! Just gotta put ourselves out there and be honest with potential dates up front.
@losingles I love your story! I'm glad you and your husband found each other, and on a blind date nonetheless! It's stories like this that give me hope. I'm slowly but surely trying to change the way I think, it's getting easier with each date I go on. I am a fun person so if they can't see past my size, then they don't deserve to be with me anyway!3 -
@evilfairies Thank you. I don't typically post, especially not long-winded stories like that one, but I just couldn't stay quiet about this topic. I feel very strongly that weight doesn't determine worth, and I think that's a lie many of us who are overweight/obese believe for one reason or another. People who judge based solely on size are not worth your time, energy, or effort. You take your fun self and you live your life to the fullest. The right guy will fall all over himself to be a part of it!
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@evilfaries If you find him let me know. I’m 29 and had one relationship which was really just a friendship if I’m honest.. This guy had his own apartment, but he was a bag boy at a grocery store at age 35... with no plans to change or grow. I’m pretty independent, so I don’t need a man to take care of me financially, but I think adults should have goals for moving forward.
I really don’t know if I want to date... people tell me I haven’t met the right person, but who knows. I think I’m happy being single... but I do want kids someday.0 -
@Mellykay88 I definitely will let you know! I was the same way for a long time... I never really wanted to date, or rather it was something more like I never really thought it was in the cards for me to date, so if you live life thinking that then you don't really miss it. It's only within the past several months that I've been feeling a little more lonely than I had been. So maybe you'll change your mind eventually, but even if you don't there's nothing wrong with being single by choice!
A few people I know had kids while single, intentionally. Whether they had IVF or just a friend doing his civic duty (I have no idea which), they got pregnant and are raising their kids as single parents and they seem like they're doing great. So there are a lot of options!0 -
@evilfairies @Mellykay88 I had always wanted to be married, even from a little girl. The though of being a mom was nice, but it wasn't a huge goal for me, unlike my best friend who has really struggled with grief over never becoming a mother. I've thought occasionally about adopting, but I don't believe I have what it takes to be a single mom; single parenting can be incredibly hard and takes a special kind of courage and fortitude that I just don't think I have! The same goes for fostering: I considered that for a while, but I dont' think I could deal with the hoops and rules and regulations that come with foster parenting, not to mention the struggles unique to those children. You've really got to be well equipped to be able to help a child like that, and I know in my heart that I don't have that kind of fortitude.
For me, I had never really known what I wanted to do - I never truly ever really wanted to be a career woman, and though I did go to college and get a degree that has enabled me to be financially independent and to take care of myself, its never what I really wanted in life, and I've always felt that I was forced into it because I had no other choice. My first choice of what I did want was to be married and I had always assumed that I would be married oen day; it just never happened.
I've never dated period or even been asked out. In high school, it didn't bother me as the boys were immature and there wasn't exactly a huge pool to choose from in my rural hometown anyway lol I went to a small school and was an introvert so I didn't know hardly any of the kids who attended the local public school. I figured I'd meet someone in college. The only problem is, when I went to college, I did become more social in some ways, and I was in a career field that had me surrounded by guys, but nothing every happened there, either. It was refreshing in some ways because in college, the guys pretty much just ignored me unless they wanted homework help unlike in high school where I was the butt of a lot of their jokes, but it really seemed that they wouldn't be at ease with me until they could put me into the "one of the guys" categories. Or maybe being the only female in most of my classes just made me the odd "man" out so to speak, and it made the dynamic uncomfortable, I don't know.
My family has never been really social people - I don't remember going to parties or dinners or anything like that, and mom and dad only had 1 other family that we'd do things with. I was only ever invited to a handful of parties growing up, and can only ever remember going to 1 one of them, and then I kept to myself the whole time. I just never fit in at all with the community I grew up in, and tended to keep to myself and watch everyone around me, feeling like I was watching the world through a window and having no idea how to get out into that world.
I never really learned how to navigate the social scene, and I always feel out of place and awkward in social situations and like I'm annoying and odd and too talkative and perhaps even childish. I know that its probably all in my head and that my self-perception isn't anywhere close to reality, but then again, I don't form friendships that are close enough to break that barrier. I have lots of acquaintances and folks I'll enjoy chatting with in the grocery store or at work or church, but I've never really been around a group of folks who actually "socialized" or did things outside of work, so I really don't know where one goes for those kinds of things. My hobbies and likes and interests have always been so out of sync with what people normally do in the communities I've lived in, even in my own family, so that sets me apart too. I have exactly one best friend with whom I have some things in common and can discuss those interests with, but she's even more introverted than I am and practically anti-social and has no desire to engage with people around her; in fact, it has to be a direct miracle from God that she's even friends with me.
I'm also a Christian and much more comfortable in the company of folks who have similar religious beliefs, but my church circles have always been small and attended by folks my parents age or older - very few guys my own age come to church, and fewer still that are actually single and available! I also work around a lot of guys in my career, but I'm still the odd man out - either I'm the engineer in a group of linemen so I'm corporate while they are union, or I'm the only person in my work group who works out of that office. And the folks I work with are friendly and kind, but don't do things together outside of work - they come in, do their jobs, and go home.
Not dating didn't really bother me too much when I was in my 20's and I kind of took it as a personal achievement that I passed 30 years of age having never been asked on a date. But at the time, I figured I would meet someone in the next decade and get to settle down - you know, I spent my 20's setting my life up and establishing myself, so I'd get to spend my 30's working on my personal dreams of a family. Only I'm now facing 38 and nothing's changed; I'm in the same position I was at 29, only that biological clock is ticking really slowly these days!
I understand what @losingles is saying and I'm aware that my self-perception is in the tank and very, very poor; its just that I've never been able to figure out how to change my self-perception. I know my low esteem is a turn-off in many ways and another obstacle in a world where it's hard enough to get someone to consider me as on option. Trying to firmly tell myself that I"m not as weird or odd or unattractive as I feel rings hollow in the face of the part of me that believes otherwise, especially when the perception that fat is ugly and to be ridiculed is reinforced by what I see in television, comics, and social media.
Sorry for the long, rambling post!1 -
@bmeadows380 I know I am new here, but I have seen your pics, you are very beautiful! From reading your posts your inside is beautiful as well. You are so strong. Your willingness to open up and share your experience is so inspiring. You are way to hard on yourself. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself how great you truly are. I personally want to thank you because you give me the courage to go on when I so badly want to give up! Maybe not the right topic but I just had to let you know YOU ARE AWESOME0
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@bmeadows380 you are such a lovely person with such a beautiful smile, I am sure that if you weren’t in such a rural area you would have met someone already. I know you said your church group is small but what about other churches of the same denomination? Does your church have any links you could build upon? Are there Christian pen pal sites that kind of thing? I actually met a previous boyfriend through an email pal site, lovely chap but we were better friends than partners! It is scary putting yourself out there but maybe start with friends and see where it goes?1
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@bigghunny & @fatoldladyonamission Thank you guys
Though my willingness to open up tends to stem more from my tendency to talk too much lol
nope, there aren't any large church groups in the area - folks here tend to go to church on Sundays, sometimes on Wednesdays, then go about their lives. I browsed Match.com yesterday just to see what was out there, and the options that were in the area weren't inspiring...... One thing I realized when looking through those profiles, though - I realize the #1 trait that is a must for me is religion, well over background or salary or height. I realize that my beliefs are such an integral part of who I am and are the root and foundation of my personality, that I'd have to be able to share that; otherwise, I'd be withholding half of who I am from the start, which wouldn't be a very good situation.
Unfortunately, that really shrinks the pond......
And another thing I realized yesterday - I'm drawn more to the average Joe, blue-collar worker than I am the intellectual types lol0 -
@bmeadows380 is there any kind of Christian matchmaking site? I’m sure you can’t be the only one who would like to meet someone of the same faith. There must be something out there?0
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There is Christian mingle but I haven’t had much luck on there in the past.
I might give it another whirl when I get internet; don’t think my employer would like me doing that from work
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