Dating
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@rabidhamster87 @bmeadows380 Yeah, in retrospect I should keep my standards where they are haha... I'm talking to someone on tinder now who works at a fast food restaurant at 30 years old and lives with his mom. Even though he's super sweet, I just can't see myself taking over as caregiver for him. I need someone who at least has the ambition to make a better life for himself.
It's just frustrating because it seems like all the guys who have their lives together are all taken at this point! I'm just looking for someone who is like me, who spent their 30-something years being too shy to form relationships but is otherwise a decent human being. @bmeadows380 You're basically in the same boat as me on that front, I've never had a serious relationship at 35. It's hard to get started when everyone else was dating in their teens, but we can do it! Just gotta put ourselves out there and be honest with potential dates up front.
@losingles I love your story! I'm glad you and your husband found each other, and on a blind date nonetheless! It's stories like this that give me hope. I'm slowly but surely trying to change the way I think, it's getting easier with each date I go on. I am a fun person so if they can't see past my size, then they don't deserve to be with me anyway!3 -
@evilfairies Thank you. I don't typically post, especially not long-winded stories like that one, but I just couldn't stay quiet about this topic. I feel very strongly that weight doesn't determine worth, and I think that's a lie many of us who are overweight/obese believe for one reason or another. People who judge based solely on size are not worth your time, energy, or effort. You take your fun self and you live your life to the fullest. The right guy will fall all over himself to be a part of it!
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@evilfaries If you find him let me know. I’m 29 and had one relationship which was really just a friendship if I’m honest.. This guy had his own apartment, but he was a bag boy at a grocery store at age 35... with no plans to change or grow. I’m pretty independent, so I don’t need a man to take care of me financially, but I think adults should have goals for moving forward.
I really don’t know if I want to date... people tell me I haven’t met the right person, but who knows. I think I’m happy being single... but I do want kids someday.0 -
@Mellykay88 I definitely will let you know! I was the same way for a long time... I never really wanted to date, or rather it was something more like I never really thought it was in the cards for me to date, so if you live life thinking that then you don't really miss it. It's only within the past several months that I've been feeling a little more lonely than I had been. So maybe you'll change your mind eventually, but even if you don't there's nothing wrong with being single by choice!
A few people I know had kids while single, intentionally. Whether they had IVF or just a friend doing his civic duty (I have no idea which), they got pregnant and are raising their kids as single parents and they seem like they're doing great. So there are a lot of options!0 -
@evilfairies @Mellykay88 I had always wanted to be married, even from a little girl. The though of being a mom was nice, but it wasn't a huge goal for me, unlike my best friend who has really struggled with grief over never becoming a mother. I've thought occasionally about adopting, but I don't believe I have what it takes to be a single mom; single parenting can be incredibly hard and takes a special kind of courage and fortitude that I just don't think I have! The same goes for fostering: I considered that for a while, but I dont' think I could deal with the hoops and rules and regulations that come with foster parenting, not to mention the struggles unique to those children. You've really got to be well equipped to be able to help a child like that, and I know in my heart that I don't have that kind of fortitude.
For me, I had never really known what I wanted to do - I never truly ever really wanted to be a career woman, and though I did go to college and get a degree that has enabled me to be financially independent and to take care of myself, its never what I really wanted in life, and I've always felt that I was forced into it because I had no other choice. My first choice of what I did want was to be married and I had always assumed that I would be married oen day; it just never happened.
I've never dated period or even been asked out. In high school, it didn't bother me as the boys were immature and there wasn't exactly a huge pool to choose from in my rural hometown anyway lol I went to a small school and was an introvert so I didn't know hardly any of the kids who attended the local public school. I figured I'd meet someone in college. The only problem is, when I went to college, I did become more social in some ways, and I was in a career field that had me surrounded by guys, but nothing every happened there, either. It was refreshing in some ways because in college, the guys pretty much just ignored me unless they wanted homework help unlike in high school where I was the butt of a lot of their jokes, but it really seemed that they wouldn't be at ease with me until they could put me into the "one of the guys" categories. Or maybe being the only female in most of my classes just made me the odd "man" out so to speak, and it made the dynamic uncomfortable, I don't know.
My family has never been really social people - I don't remember going to parties or dinners or anything like that, and mom and dad only had 1 other family that we'd do things with. I was only ever invited to a handful of parties growing up, and can only ever remember going to 1 one of them, and then I kept to myself the whole time. I just never fit in at all with the community I grew up in, and tended to keep to myself and watch everyone around me, feeling like I was watching the world through a window and having no idea how to get out into that world.
I never really learned how to navigate the social scene, and I always feel out of place and awkward in social situations and like I'm annoying and odd and too talkative and perhaps even childish. I know that its probably all in my head and that my self-perception isn't anywhere close to reality, but then again, I don't form friendships that are close enough to break that barrier. I have lots of acquaintances and folks I'll enjoy chatting with in the grocery store or at work or church, but I've never really been around a group of folks who actually "socialized" or did things outside of work, so I really don't know where one goes for those kinds of things. My hobbies and likes and interests have always been so out of sync with what people normally do in the communities I've lived in, even in my own family, so that sets me apart too. I have exactly one best friend with whom I have some things in common and can discuss those interests with, but she's even more introverted than I am and practically anti-social and has no desire to engage with people around her; in fact, it has to be a direct miracle from God that she's even friends with me.
I'm also a Christian and much more comfortable in the company of folks who have similar religious beliefs, but my church circles have always been small and attended by folks my parents age or older - very few guys my own age come to church, and fewer still that are actually single and available! I also work around a lot of guys in my career, but I'm still the odd man out - either I'm the engineer in a group of linemen so I'm corporate while they are union, or I'm the only person in my work group who works out of that office. And the folks I work with are friendly and kind, but don't do things together outside of work - they come in, do their jobs, and go home.
Not dating didn't really bother me too much when I was in my 20's and I kind of took it as a personal achievement that I passed 30 years of age having never been asked on a date. But at the time, I figured I would meet someone in the next decade and get to settle down - you know, I spent my 20's setting my life up and establishing myself, so I'd get to spend my 30's working on my personal dreams of a family. Only I'm now facing 38 and nothing's changed; I'm in the same position I was at 29, only that biological clock is ticking really slowly these days!
I understand what @losingles is saying and I'm aware that my self-perception is in the tank and very, very poor; its just that I've never been able to figure out how to change my self-perception. I know my low esteem is a turn-off in many ways and another obstacle in a world where it's hard enough to get someone to consider me as on option. Trying to firmly tell myself that I"m not as weird or odd or unattractive as I feel rings hollow in the face of the part of me that believes otherwise, especially when the perception that fat is ugly and to be ridiculed is reinforced by what I see in television, comics, and social media.
Sorry for the long, rambling post!1 -
@bmeadows380 I know I am new here, but I have seen your pics, you are very beautiful! From reading your posts your inside is beautiful as well. You are so strong. Your willingness to open up and share your experience is so inspiring. You are way to hard on yourself. Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself how great you truly are. I personally want to thank you because you give me the courage to go on when I so badly want to give up! Maybe not the right topic but I just had to let you know YOU ARE AWESOME0
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@bmeadows380 you are such a lovely person with such a beautiful smile, I am sure that if you weren’t in such a rural area you would have met someone already. I know you said your church group is small but what about other churches of the same denomination? Does your church have any links you could build upon? Are there Christian pen pal sites that kind of thing? I actually met a previous boyfriend through an email pal site, lovely chap but we were better friends than partners! It is scary putting yourself out there but maybe start with friends and see where it goes?1
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@bigghunny & @fatoldladyonamission Thank you guys
Though my willingness to open up tends to stem more from my tendency to talk too much lol
nope, there aren't any large church groups in the area - folks here tend to go to church on Sundays, sometimes on Wednesdays, then go about their lives. I browsed Match.com yesterday just to see what was out there, and the options that were in the area weren't inspiring...... One thing I realized when looking through those profiles, though - I realize the #1 trait that is a must for me is religion, well over background or salary or height. I realize that my beliefs are such an integral part of who I am and are the root and foundation of my personality, that I'd have to be able to share that; otherwise, I'd be withholding half of who I am from the start, which wouldn't be a very good situation.
Unfortunately, that really shrinks the pond......
And another thing I realized yesterday - I'm drawn more to the average Joe, blue-collar worker than I am the intellectual types lol0 -
@bmeadows380 is there any kind of Christian matchmaking site? I’m sure you can’t be the only one who would like to meet someone of the same faith. There must be something out there?0
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There is Christian mingle but I haven’t had much luck on there in the past.
I might give it another whirl when I get internet; don’t think my employer would like me doing that from work
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@bmeadows380 I tried ChristianMingle, but there weren’t very many people on there in my area. This thread has got me *considering* putting myself out there again. There is a part of me that wants to date, but I’m so awkward on dates (another fellow introvert here).1
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Mellykay88 wrote: »@bmeadows380 I tried ChristianMingle, but there weren’t very many people on there in my area. This thread has got me *considering* putting myself out there again. There is a part of me that wants to date, but I’m so awkward on dates (another fellow introvert here).
Yeah, it has me considering the same thign, @Mellykay88
That was why I put feelers out at Match.com! But I wasn't too impressed with what they returned to me. I tried ChristianMingle too, but wasn't too happy with it. I might browse it this evening, though, just to see.
I had a friend online here suggest going to bookstores or events; the difference, however, is he lives in DC where there's plenty of places to social and meet folks. I live in the rural Appalachians - which is another story all together! I love it here and it took me 15 years to get back to where I want to be and what is home, but I am fully aware of the social limitations here.......
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I am, however, seriously considering going to a Christian Writer's conference this year. I went to one last year in PA and I had a lot of fun! I love spending time talking about characters and storylines and the process of crafting fiction and creating worlds, and it was a blast being around people who were of like mind. That conference, however, was more for folks who were into historical or modern fiction, not so much speculative fiction like fantasy or sci fi.
But while I was there, they mentioned this other writer's conference called Realm Makers, which is a Christian conference for those who have a interest in speculative fiction - which sounds right up my ally! I looked into their conference which is going to be held in St. Louis this year, and the classes they are having sound really interesting - especially the one in giving tips and demonstrations for writing fight scenes
I would love to go as it sounds like there would be a lot of folks there who have the same interests I do. Though if its like the one in PA, then its going to be almost all females with few men........
Anyway, the only thing stopping me from signing up is the cost - I don't know if I can come up with that kind of money, since the conference fee is $400, the hotel fee is $120 each night for 3 nights, and then there are food costs, rental car costs, gas costs......that's just a LOT of money for someone who's budget is tight.
If I can get my house sold this spring, I might have what I need - so keep your fingers crossed! lol1 -
@bmeadows380 that sounds awesome! I think I need to find ways to get more social. I pretty much just go to the gym, go to work, go to my parents’ house, go home. So not a lot of opportunities to meet people. It doesn’t help that I work in a female dominated field (mental health)... I’m not likely to meet someone at work.0
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@bmeadows380 Sorry to jump in here (it's been a while since I've gotten to these message boards), but I just wanted to say that I think that conference sounds great if you're willing to go be social at that kind of thing; I hope you're able to financially! Smile directly at some guys - you'd be shocked at the response you may get! I saw those pics too, and your looks are not holding you back because you're beautiful.
I think a *lot* of us are introverts or are at least shy, and I know for myself, my weight was at least in part a defense mechanism after getting some unwanted attention as a child. I'm able to lose when I am well and truly ready to meet and be physical with someone. When I'm not, I gain. I'm definitely introverted and work enough hours that mean when I'm not working, I really just want to recharge alone or with people I'm 100% comfortable with, not put myself out there; it's exhausting. I am in a more male-dominated field and have 3 brothers so have a masculine edge to my personality for sure, but I've only ever had any extra-curricular relationship with one work guy, and ugh, those stink because then you have to see them all the time, and it's weird and hard to stop getting sucked back in... and no. Just nope, never again!
I did go ahead & open my profile again on okcupid for a few days but it's down again, ha. I just couldn't do it, but I know as the weight keeps coming down, I'll be more likely to make more eye contact in public myself. Not that being overweight makes me less valuable, you all are right when you talk about that, but I still feel more comfortable at a smaller size.2 -
Alright guys! All of the love stories you guys posted convinced me... I’m swiping again I re-downloaded Bumble today and I’ve already got a match. 1
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@mellykay88 that's so awesome. I hope it works out. Glad to see you getting out there again.0
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Well, looks like ChristianMingle is out - I went on there last night (and actually remembered my really old - like in 4 years ago - password!) just to browse and keep my profile and such hidden....except I found that you can't hide your profile or just look unless you pay for a subscription.
Sorry, nope, not willing to do that just to be able to preview and figure out if its even worth my time and trouble. I deleted my profile all together.
So for the non-tech savvy amongst us, or those who are new to all this socializing via the internet, would you guys mind listing the dating sites that you have experience with and your thoughts on which ones are worth it and which ones to avoid? I'm not kidding when I say I don't know anything about online dating - I know of exactly 3: Match.com, Christianmingle.com, and eharmony.com!0 -
@bmeadows380 PlentyOfFish.com is by far the largest and I think has been around the longest.0
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@bmeadows380 OkCupid is one that has been mentioned before. It’s free and I’ve used it in the past. I actually met my ex-boyfriend on there. You take surveys and they match you based on that.
Match and eharmony are not free and so in more rural areas there aren’t usually a lot of people to choose from.
Plenty of Fish has a ton of people, but (in my area) it attracts a lot of creeps so I didn’t stick with it.
Bumble is an app which is becoming more and more popular. You “swipe” through profiles of people in your area. You swipe right if you’re interested and left if not. If you match with someone, you can send them a message. Bumble differs from other “swiping” apps like tinder because the woman has to be the first one to send a message.
Tinder started out as a hook-up app, but a lot of people are using it for dating now. You swipe left or right on profiles and message people that you match.
I will say, I like the apps that match you based on mutual interest. At least you know they are interested before you send a message. It lower the risk of outright rejection a bit.
Edited to add: it’s too bad MFP doesn’t having a dating app... I wouldn’t mind finding someone on a similar journey. I tend to be hesitant to swipe right on a super fit guy, but then I worry about getting into a relationship with a man who is overweight but not working towards getting healthy. I think that could potentially lead to me getting derailed. *Sigh* this is so complicated.
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@Mellykay88 That's an idea! though I understand that anything MFP would do would have to be very basic and I'm not sure how you could police it to keep it from becoming very unwieldy very fast.
Perhaps they could start a new subforum for Single and Available and within have 4 further subforums for Women seeking Men etc. Then perhaps have sticky threads within each for each month and have people post a personals add within? That way, we wouldn't have to spend a lot of time looking for the latest posts.
but at the very least, a subforum with sticky threads for the 4 "seeking" types for people to post their own personal adds in would be nice - MFP already has a messaging system in place. Though their search options leave much to be desired....
*grins* not a bad idea, though I'm not sure MFP would want to assume the liability But if you know a mod, you might suggest it to them - can't hurt, right? 0 -
Yeah, MFP won't likely add that service because it's already being used that way! There are singles threads in the forums and "would you x the person above" threads. If you are looking for people in your area you can search through users and specify certain stuff. Or find the threads for your states you would include in your search. Put up your best picture in your profile and in your synopsis write SINGLE somewhere and watch the magic happen. If you frequent the forums and comment in those areas you will get hit on. Remember that in the android app (and possibly the iphone one) people only see the first pic of your profile, not successive ones. Those can be seen in the web view. (Hence why some people will put up a dumb picture first and other real pictures after.) I say get out there and see what's available on MFP if you're curious.1
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ugh. I just read through a thread titled "how to date in 2018" or something like that, and after reading the 7 pages of posts, I sincerely hope that is not a representation of the typical date these days, or else I might as well give up right now!
Apparently, according to that thread, the fact that I'm not willing to hook up means I'm pretty much not going to find anyone in this new digital age.
I knew I was born in the wrong decade........0 -
@bmeadows380 i think that might be geared to a younger crowd. Hook up culture stops before it hits us. If you're not into it, likely the person you will mesh with best won't either. And it's not going to be the highest on the list for christian singles if they are serious about their faith and if theu are your same type of Christian. Have faith that you will find exactly what you want at the exact right time. 1
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@theowlbox Most of them were younger, though there were some very cynical older people commenting there, too. It was rather depressing as most of the folks who commented were rather down on the whole thing. I've just got to remember that a small, vocal minority do not always represent the views of the quieter majority!
they were also very down on online dating and using dating apps, but since they were very cynical about dating in general, that shouldn't have surprised me
You are right about what a serious Christian is going to look for - which is probably why the whole thing really just didn't jive with me. That and I'm an old fashioned romantic
I don't think I'd want to try the would you x the person above threads for that reason. I did do a quick browse for threads with Single in them or my home state, but the search engine here leaves much to be desire, and there weren't too many WVians posting around.
I did a quickie search for other Christian dating apps besides ChristianMingle, and whenever I can get some decent internet, I'll look more into them.
Thank you, though for the advice and the support!
@Mellykay88 I'm excited for you! let us know if something works out for you!1 -
cassie9393 wrote: »@bmeadows380 Sorry to jump in here (it's been a while since I've gotten to these message boards), but I just wanted to say that I think that conference sounds great if you're willing to go be social at that kind of thing; I hope you're able to financially! Smile directly at some guys - you'd be shocked at the response you may get! I saw those pics too, and your looks are not holding you back because you're beautiful.
I think a *lot* of us are introverts or are at least shy, and I know for myself, my weight was at least in part a defense mechanism after getting some unwanted attention as a child. I'm able to lose when I am well and truly ready to meet and be physical with someone. When I'm not, I gain. I'm definitely introverted and work enough hours that mean when I'm not working, I really just want to recharge alone or with people I'm 100% comfortable with, not put myself out there; it's exhausting. I am in a more male-dominated field and have 3 brothers so have a masculine edge to my personality for sure, but I've only ever had any extra-curricular relationship with one work guy, and ugh, those stink because then you have to see them all the time, and it's weird and hard to stop getting sucked back in... and no. Just nope, never again!
I did go ahead & open my profile again on okcupid for a few days but it's down again, ha. I just couldn't do it, but I know as the weight keeps coming down, I'll be more likely to make more eye contact in public myself. Not that being overweight makes me less valuable, you all are right when you talk about that, but I still feel more comfortable at a smaller size.
@cassie9393 Ah, thank you!
I do try to make a point to make eye contact and smile at most people I meet. There's a very shy young man in my local convenience store where I stop for coffee most Sunday mornings on my way to church, and he's very much the type to not look you in the eye. I've been trying to establish friendly eye contact with him for a while just because the poor fellow seems so shy, and I make an effort to smile and be friendly just to get him to relax a little. He's doing better! lol
I'm with you, too about work being exhausting - by the time the workday is over, I just want to go home and spend some time alone or perhaps with my parents or my sister. I don't often want to spend time socializing! My best friend is even worse than I am - I really have never figured out how we became friends in the first place lol I'm introverted and a loner and quiet, and she's practically anti-social, but we managed to click in college and have been very good friends for over 15 years now.
Becoming friends with her has given me a smidgen of hope, though - after all, if I can be friends with one person and be open and honest with them, perhaps I might be able to be connect with someone else as well! Then again, being friends is a whole different kettle of fish than being romantically involved.......0 -
Sorry I'm late to the convo. I met my husband on Match.com. I was well over 300 lbs. I actually met and dated A LOT of men before I met my husband. Some of the men are still very good friends of mine - I'm trying to say there are good quality people on the site, not just scum bags looking to get into your pants (although there are those too!). Match.com is not free, but for me it was worth it because I felt that the people were in it for the right reasons. Being behind a keyboard made it a little easier to be myself. I was very honest with my pictures, and when we'd chat I made it a point to let them know that if they were looking for a barbie doll they should keep looking. Point is, there are people of all tastes out there, and even though it's hard to believe sometimes, YOU ARE EXACTLY WHAT SOMEONE IS LOOKING FOR - you just need to find each other. I am so blessed to have found my husband who loves me just the way I am. Yes, we are both trying to lose weight, but are doing it to be healthy, not because we find each other unattractive. Trust me, there's plenty of chemistry. Good luck! And don't let your insecurities get in the way of your long-term happiness.
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Has anyone here tried out sportships.org? I came across it recently and it sounds intriguing. Curious to know if anyone has had any experiences or even met someone through the platform. Would love to hear your thoughts and feedback! Cheers!0
