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@gin_rummy My goodness. Well first of all I am so glad that your work situation and your marriage are back in the positive side of things. That's awesome! Now let's see, what kind of advice can I give you? Well, my husband and I are very happily married, and our determination to live healthier lives has become quite fun. Outside of work, we do everything together, and are mindful of how what we are doing either helps or hinders our quest to be healthy. We workout together and plan our meals together. We will push each other to get off of couch and go walk around a store, just to get steps in. We challenge each other to get more steps than the other and are honest and tell each other when we should probably put the fork down. On the plus side, this has helped bring us closer together, we have lost weight, gained strength and stamina, and lets face it, made things funner in the bedroom.
Can I say that? 2 -
Hi, @gin_rummy
It sounds as though your life is ticking along wonderfully on the career front and on the relationship front, both massively critical priority areas for most people. That is wonderful. I don't find it at all surprising that nutrition, fitness, and food logging took a back seat during all the change in your life. Now that you have a little breathing room, you're starting to feel your attention turn to nutrition and health again. That tells me you finally have time to devote to it again. The human's ability to multi-task is a total myth. When faced with too many critically important elements, we all have to prioritize and focus.
Motivation and willpower will only get us so far, usually it gets us past the getting started part - when everything is shiny, new, and optimistic. We can clearly see the destination in the distance. When it starts becoming hard and repetitive, and we are slogging along on muddy roads and the goal isn't in sight anymore, that's we need something else to keep us going.
I'm a firm believer that the something else I need is well-ingrained habit. I've been working hard on establishing new healthy habits and routines to give me some momentum and to carry me mindlessly through those times when I'm feeling blah or when my mind is focused on a new more important priority (or crisis). I know those times will come because life happens.
Getting back to regularly planning in manageable chunks of time and for specific tasks sounds to me like a great way to refocus on your health. I like to plan next week's menu on Thursday nights, then write out a shopping list for the weekend, then get it done on the weekend.
I also find fear-based motivation works for me better than anything ever did. Getting into a slinky bikini was never powerful enough to motivate me, but the doctor scaring me with the suggestion of bariatric surgery? the inevitable indignity of impaired mobility in my senior years (and being too heavy for anyone person to help)? is keeping me focused right now.
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My Starting Weight: ~375 lbs (01/01/2017)
My goal: 260 lbs (this would put me below the 40 BMI mark for being morbidly obese or stage 3 obese)
Milestone: 260 lbs
Current Weight: 273.3 lbs 8/12/18
Loss this week: +3.3 lbs
Total loss: -101.7 lbs
What's Working: It's been a month since I last updated because I have no progress to report. I've settled in at around the 273 lb mark and have held steady there for the last month, and truthfully, I've been bouncing around the same 5 lbs since January. I am solidly stuck on this never-ending plateau.
On a positive note, I have managed to maintain in those 6 months - I took measurements yesterday evening and was pleased to see that I'm holding steady there, too, and I know that's a victory in and of itself, but I'm still incredibly frustrated.
What Needs Work: everything. I'm still exhausted all the time, I'm still fighting depression, brain fog, low motivation, and this drive to eat even when in my head I know I'm not hungry. I can't find a way to get back into the routine I had established. I've tried intermittent fasting, I've tried skipping breakfast, I've tried eating breakfast, I've tried low carbing it, and nothing helps. I simply cannot stay down at the 1500 calorie limit I need to be at, and its taking all I have just to stay in maintenance. I really am struggling in life general right now emotionally and spiritually, and its taking all my energy right now just to keep putting one foot in front of the other - and that's just the brutal, honest truth.
I did get my bloodwork done, and my PCP, bless her, was willing to put in an order to check all the hormone levels, including my free T4 and free T3 - and low and behold, my T3 WAS low despite my T4 being normal and my TSH being normal. I also found that my TSH, though normal, was still higher than my endocrynologist wanted it to be, and it had in fact risen 2 points in the last 4 months even though my medication hadn't changed. I was concerned about it, but my endo claims that TSH can change on its own. I'm not really happy with that answer, but I think I found the real answer myself in that its recommended that TSH be taken in the mornings because it fluctuates during the day and can actually drop by evening, meaning you could be hypothyroid, but if you have the bloodwork done in the afternoon, your TSH levels may actually mask it. I had always taken my TSH in the evenings after work because you don't have to fast for it, but I think that was a mistake and that my TSH has been higher all along - I had my bloodwork done in the AM this last time, and I think that's why it showed up so much higher; I think the 2.5 TSH is actually closer to what it's truly been all the time.
I'm frustrated with my endo as well, but since they are so hard to come by, I don't know if I can switch doctors or find another one in my area. I had to have my PCP actually hound the endo's office before I could finally get her to respond to my bloodwork questions, especially after having such a change in the TSH and seeing the low T3. I tried to get my endo to put me on T3, but she didn't want to do that, and instead raised my T4 back up. She did promise, however, that in 6 weeks, she'd check free T3 again, and if it hadn't risen, she'd put me on it then.
Meanwhile, I see my PCP in a week and a half, and I do think that I am going to give contrave a try. It doesn't have the greatest reviews online by consumer reports, but there are a lot of reviews by folks who have taken it that it did help them, and I'm not looking for something longterm anyway - I'm just looking for a jumpstart, so even if it only results in 5% loss, if it can get me back on track while I'm waiting for the thyroid stuff to even out and help while I'm searching for a counselor to help me with my emotional issues, it will be worth it to me. course, here's hoping the insurance will cover it!1 -
Aren't we a chipper group, lol.
@gin_rummy and @bmeadows380 I feel you. I am struggling for motivation these days also. I haven't done really badly, but I have had a couple of "cheat days", that's for sure. I logged them, so I guess I own them, but it has been a struggle. I have been planning less, eating out more, having trouble getting motivated to exercise.
The bottom line is depression is rearing it's ugly head again and when it does I find it hard to care about my weight. I just have to make myself do this.2 -
Thank you all for the warm welcome (back)! It's been a long hiatus and as I said yesterday, I didn't really plan a return it was kind of accidental! But here I am - and still here today. Yesterday I was below my calorie target for the day (which I haven't increased despite the weight gained), it may not have been the healthiest food but it's a start and today should be better.
@PloddingTurtle I used to do Thursday night planning also, then shop on a Friday night when the supermarket was empty! But it's been about a year since that habit went out the window - not that I can't re-establish it with effort.
@cnavarro002 sounds like you and your husband have a great thing going there! My husband is incredibly supportive also, but he is also the type who can eat whatever he wants and not gain an ounce - so unfair! So while he does his best to be supportive and to understand why it's a struggle, it's never going to be quite the same thing to him as it is to me. The other thing there is that he now works shifts, which he didn't when we separated, so that has been a big adjustment and can pose challenges with meal planning, and indeed just working out how to see each other sometimes. It means we are putting a lot more effort into the time we do get together - but that also often means we are in situations where eating well is challenging!
But life is never simple, and there is never going to be a time when losing this much weight will be easy. I need to make my peace with that, stop making excuses, put in the effort and get on with it!
@bmeadows380 it sounds like you are going through a very tough time indeed, but you are taking positive steps by pushing for thorough investigation by your doctors and seeking a counsellor. Don't lose sight of how far you have come - over 100lb lost is phenomenal! And 6 months at maintenance is a great achievement, especially when you are battling depression and other health issues at the same time. It could so easily have been a big gain in that time. So well done!
@MzCara148 that sounds like a familiar story - and I'm sure not just to me! Perhaps the best thing is that you are recognising that you are slipping, and can take action to stop it before it goes very far? At the end of the day, you are still here; that means you haven't given up even though it's tough, and that's amazing!
I've got to bake a cake tonight (for my friend's sister's boyfriend's parents' 40th wedding anniversary
- don't ask!) so my goal for the day is to sit down while it's in the oven and plan the rest of the week's menu! 2 -
@MzCara148 Well, you did ask for an update! lol And I am a natural Eeyore personality type.....
motivation is such a struggle! And this whole "do something for 30 days to set a new habit" is hogwash - I've been at it 18 months now and even now, it is so incredibly easy to fall back on the old ingrained things, especially when I'm tired, frazzled, stressed, and just plain don't have the energy to put the effort in to cook! And depression and brain fog that comes with it makes it even harder - all my will power is being used up getting through the day so that by the time it comes to my diet and what I'm eating, I'm not doing a very good job at telling myself "no". The old "I'll get back on track tomorrow" thought is too much in my head these days!
@gin_rummy thank you! In all honesty, its been building for a very, very long time, but I'm finally getting to the point where I can see that something has got to give because I have no life, no joy, no goals, nothing right now and its been that way for so long and I'm looking down the road to my future with more of it and I'm just so tired of living that way. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I can admit that I can empathize with those who are and can understand how they get to the place where they want to end it all.
I know in my head I'm way too hard on myself, but knowing something in my head and getting it to quit affecting my way of life is still a mystery to me. You are right - 100 lbs is an accomplishment, and keeping it off for 6 months while on this plateau instead of starting the slow creep back up is also a victory, and in my head, I know that. But I haven't figure out how to silence that self-critical side of myself that looks at the glass half empty, or looks at the fact that I still need to lose another 100 lbs and says "yep, see? I knew you wouldn't be able to finish - you'd get so far and then fail to follow through."
And it doesn't help that the critical words always seem to stick with me above the encouraging ones - for instance, I have lots of people that have been very encouraging when it comes to my weight loss so far, but there are a couple in my family that either don't say anything, like my mother who holds my brother's weight loss up to everyone she sees but says nothing about mine (and I cringe at how jealous that sounds......another one of my guilt issues.......) or who give me that disappointment look or attitude because I've plateaued like my grandmother who asks every time she sees me "lost any more weight?" along with this look in her eye when I have to tell you that no, I've hit a plateau.
Then there's my own critical inside my own head, who is worst the worst of all of them. That's the part that says "you still need to lose another 100 lbs" or "you are a failure because you haven't gotten it all off" and who I already know will also say, even if I managed to get it all off, that's the part of that would still say it wasn't an achievement because I shouldn't have gotten that big to begin with. I really am my own worst enemy!
See what I mean about being an Eeyore personality type? lol1 -
@MzCara148 Well, you did ask for an update! lol And I am a natural Eeyore personality type.....
motivation is such a struggle! And this whole "do something for 30 days to set a new habit" is hogwash - I've been at it 18 months now and even now, it is so incredibly easy to fall back on the old ingrained things, especially when I'm tired, frazzled, stressed, and just plain don't have the energy to put the effort in to cook! And depression and brain fog that comes with it makes it even harder - all my will power is being used up getting through the day so that by the time it comes to my diet and what I'm eating, I'm not doing a very good job at telling myself "no". The old "I'll get back on track tomorrow" thought is too much in my head these days!
@gin_rummy thank you! In all honesty, its been building for a very, very long time, but I'm finally getting to the point where I can see that something has got to give because I have no life, no joy, no goals, nothing right now and its been that way for so long and I'm looking down the road to my future with more of it and I'm just so tired of living that way. I'm not suicidal by any means, but I can admit that I can empathize with those who are and can understand how they get to the place where they want to end it all.
I know in my head I'm way too hard on myself, but knowing something in my head and getting it to quit affecting my way of life is still a mystery to me. You are right - 100 lbs is an accomplishment, and keeping it off for 6 months while on this plateau instead of starting the slow creep back up is also a victory, and in my head, I know that. But I haven't figure out how to silence that self-critical side of myself that looks at the glass half empty, or looks at the fact that I still need to lose another 100 lbs and says "yep, see? I knew you wouldn't be able to finish - you'd get so far and then fail to follow through."
And it doesn't help that the critical words always seem to stick with me above the encouraging ones - for instance, I have lots of people that have been very encouraging when it comes to my weight loss so far, but there are a couple in my family that either don't say anything, like my mother who holds my brother's weight loss up to everyone she sees but says nothing about mine (and I cringe at how jealous that sounds......another one of my guilt issues.......) or who give me that disappointment look or attitude because I've plateaued like my grandmother who asks every time she sees me "lost any more weight?" along with this look in her eye when I have to tell you that no, I've hit a plateau.
Then there's my own critical inside my own head, who is worst the worst of all of them. That's the part that says "you still need to lose another 100 lbs" or "you are a failure because you haven't gotten it all off" and who I already know will also say, even if I managed to get it all off, that's the part of that would still say it wasn't an achievement because I shouldn't have gotten that big to begin with. I really am my own worst enemy!
See what I mean about being an Eeyore personality type? lol0 -
@bmeadows380 I want to give you the biggest hug right now because I know EXACTLY what you mean. What you describe could have been written about me for almost all of my life, I've even spent several protracted periods on the verge of ending it, and it's only the last year to 18 months that this has changed for me. I wish I could give you a magic secret to make it all better but you already know that such a thing sadly doesn't exist.
Families are a particular nightmare. I actually didn't see mine for about 9 months and honestly I think that was a big part in me finally being able to let go of a lot of the bad stuff that was affecting me every day - not that I necessarily recommend that as an approach, and not that they were at the root of all of it by any means! They were so unbelievably unsupportive - downright damaging in fact - when I separated from my husband and a few months into that I just had to say, enough is enough. 30 years of their *kitten* is enough. I had enough on my plate and dealing with them was something I just couldn't do any more. Funny thing is that when I finally got to a point where I could get past everything they put me through (and that took a lot of time and work), I was suddenly able to let go of so many other issues that had a hold on me. I do now see them, but I'm not afraid to walk out of a room or even out of the house, or to call them on their *kitten*. It makes a huge difference. But it's not easy!
And yes, the negative stuff is so much easier for your mind to hold on to, even if the rational part of you *knows* that it's minor stuff compared to all the positives. You can hear it, you can tell yourself it, but there's knowing it and then there's believing it. We are not rational creatures!
Counselling definitely sounds like a good idea. If I might offer my 2 cents on that also.....I don't know if you've had any before, but if you are new to this one of the most important things I'd say is don't be afraid to try different counsellors until you find one that suits you. It's a deeply personal process and if you don't click with them it will make it harder.
Best of luck to you. Keep trying, be kind when you slip, and remember that there is more to life than the number on the scale (or is that blasphemy to say that here?)
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@bmeadows380 @MzCara148 @gin_rummy Hugs to you all.. Struggle is real just don't give up on yourselves. Be kind to yourself. Everyone in this group is worth love and kindness. You are number one in your lives put yourselves first than everything else. Hard to do but it must be done to better your lives. I'm learning this day by day...We can only control us no one else. Hope everything gets easier and we can be happy in our journey.0
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@gin_rummy Thank you very much I often find myself writing hugely long posts here that I know are depressing and probably way TMI, and I don't mean to be annoying about it - I just find myself looking for a way to express it, I suppose, since I don't typically have anyone to talk to directly about how I'm feeling. And it helps so much to get replies from other folks who are empathetic to how I'm feeling and compassionate about it!
My best friend and former roommate and I used to have long conversations about how we were feeling - and both of us have depression issues; the problem is, we could analyze where the problems were, but still have no idea how to bridge the gap from where we are emotionally and spiritually and where we know we need to be, so we'd both pretty much just end up commiserating with each other. and its kind of hard to try to boost someone else who is feeling despair when you really don't know what to say to help and don't want to give out the overly used cliches. But that is one difference between me and her - she has also had suicidal thoughts and has tried it at least once that I know of and seriously considered trying again another time that I know of. Me, on the other hand, while I often get to the point where I seriously wish I could just cease to exist, I do not want to kill myself nor do I wish for death and that's because I am firmly convinced of life beyond death and the whole "there is given unto man once to die and after that the judgement" sort of thing - no matter how despairing I get, so far, there has always remained the faintest flicker of hope in that as long as I'm alive, there's always a chance that things could change for the better, but once I'm dead, that's it, there are no do-overs.
I've being doing a lot of research lately on depression because I'm trying to rally up my courage to talk to my doctor about it when I see her next week. I've looked at the questionnaires off and on over the years, but I always had a hard time with them because they'd always limit themselves to "two weeks" or "recently". But I've felt this way for at least 15 years now, in various forms, though I can see looking back where its gotten worse in the last 4 or so years. But I stumbled across what is now called persistent depressive disorder and wonder if that's what I'm truly dealing with.
And oh yes - my family is definitely a stresser! I realize that my parents have issues themselves and have had them for years and that has affected my siblings and I in ways that I"m just starting to realize. I can have sympathy for them in that situation and I try to remember how hard they had it growing up themselves, but at the same time, neither of them are willing to try to work past that stuff either, so the tension is still here. And then there's the extended family, from my grandparents who played obvious favorites with their kids and grandkids, to my aunts and uncles and cousins - I think we're all just one big emotional mess! lol
I've never made friends easily and was feeling increasing isolated and between feeling like a complete failure in my old job and desperately needing a change there and the roommate and only friend I had moving out and needing support, I leaped at a chance to move home when a different position opened up in my company. I was desperately hoping that a completely different job would help me find my niche and give me some relief from the work stress and that being with my family would give me the support I needed, but I'm afraid that I've just jumped from the frying pan into the fire, so to speak, especially on the job front. The change did not help and I still am dealing with the same struggles and stresses I had before and I just don't know what to do about it.
And you are so right about the negative stuff! The rational part of myself hears the nasty, degrading things I think of myself and points out that those are skewed and not a true reality - especially when it comes to my feelings on how others perceive me - but getting myself to believe they aren't true has not been achievable yet and deep down, I know that they have a hold on me and affect my mood and my self esteem and my world view because deep down, I believe them on one level. But knowing something in my head and actively trying to change a deeply held wrong believe is incredibly hard and something I haven't figure out how to do yet. And it doesn't help that there are so many different views out there - the perfectionist part of me, the part that hates being in trouble, the part that wants to follow the rules and wants to please people is very very confused because I'm getting so many conflicting answers when it comes to the mind, heart and soul and spirit, and I don't know who to listen to, who is right. And I freeze up when I don't have any solid direction to go in and don't know which way to start (procrastination because of no clear direction is a huge part of my struggles with my job, too).
I'll keep your words on the counselor thing in mind. I definitely want a Christian counselor because my Christian beliefs and my relationship with God is bound up in this whole tangled mess that I have on my hands, and I need someone who will understand that and how it influences my world view. At the same time, I also need someone that will accept my insurance so I have a way to pay for it all......
In any case, I really do appreciate all your support! I hate coming on here and being such a wet blanket all the time - thank you so much for your compassion!
@bigghunny thank you, too, for your sympathy! Being kind to myself is NOT easy and I have yet to truly figure out how to do it, but I haven't completely given up! 0 -
So I've been back 1 week. Stepped on the scale this morning and.....I've gained 5lb. I can't bring myself to log it because I know it isn't a real measurement. I was on track Mon-Fri, then on Saturday I put my back out and couldn't move at all without agony - which led to dreadful junk being consumed for that one day - but yesterday I got it back already, harissa chicken and veg traybake for dinner and only a very small lunch. Yesterday I got my period so I know that's causing major bloat and upsetting other rhythms. I'm sure it will drop back down by itself within a couple of days and I'm not beating myself up. But still, it's not a very encouraging start to things
@bmeadows380 please do use MFP for support in all areas - I know I have before! There's things that it's hard to tell the people around you and sometimes a stranger on the internet is a much easier and more accessible way of finding support. Plus, it all ties in with our weight loss journey. Feel free to PM me if you prefer to take it off the boards.0 -
@gin_rummy thank you! This weekend was actually a little better for me - perhaps making the decision to talk to me doctor has helped that and the former roommate and best friend called on Saturday and we had a very, very long conversation on all sorts of things. She was actually doing better herself, so the overall talk was pretty positive for once!
You dont' know how dangerous the offer for PM's is! lol I warn you - I tend to be longwinded! I suppose it comes down to hte whole "women need to say so may words in a day" thing; I don't tend to have much opportunity to talk in person to folks, so I think I tend to make up for it in my long-winded PM posts! *grins*0 -
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So I've been back 1 week. Stepped on the scale this morning and.....I've gained 5lb. I can't bring myself to log it because I know it isn't a real measurement....<snip>
I'm in the same boat. Doing great all week until this morning. Bam! Up 6 lbs since yesterday. I'm thinking WTF!!! I'm not logging that number either. I just refuse. I'm using yesterday's weigh-in instead, and that means a 0 gain/loss over last week. I know I keep saying that I'm making sustainable life-style changes and I'm not focusing on the weigh scale, but it is really deflating nonetheless for such a big undeserved swing.0 -
My Starting Weight: ~375 lbs (01/01/2017)
My goal: 260 lbs (this would put me below the 40 BMI mark for being morbidly obese or stage 3 obese)
Milestone: 260 lbs
Current Weight: 277.5 lbs 8/30/18
Loss this week: 0 lbs
Total loss: -97.5 lbs
What's Working: nothing
What Needs Work: Everything. I'm a little sick when I finally forced myself to actually update my weight and saw that I've slipped back under the 100 lbs lost mark. It makes me want to cry. This last month to month and a half have been the worst and I know my eating has gone up because my willpower has tanked and my ability to tell myself know is gone and the desire to eat is driving me crazy. I've found it completely impossible to stay within my calorie limit.
Its also been hot and humid here, so I'm sure some of that 7 lb gain that I've experienced in the last month and half is probably water weight, but that knowledge isn't helping me right now.
I started depression medication this week, and the doctor put me on the one that is supposed to support weight loss, so here's crossing my fingers and praying mightily that once it gets established in my system that it does truly curb appetite and push out the brain fog I deal with and perhaps I can find some energy! At the same time, my thyroid numbers were off, so my doctor is increasing meds there, and eventually, I hope that will help too.
the frustrating thing about all this is that it takes time, and I want a fix NOW!
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My Starting Weight: ~ 360 (April 2014)
My goal: short term - 300 lbs; long term - 160 lbs
Milestone: N/A
Current Weight: 340.6 lbs
Loss this week: N/A
Total loss: ~ 19 lbs
What's Working: Unknown at this point in time.
What Needs Work: Motivation, accountability, choices, attitude.
I wrote out a whole bunch, but then deleted it all. I don't know if I can handle any type of feedback specific to my situation due to the recent events of my life. I guess I just wanted to say that I am going to try to get back on the wagon and be more a part of this community.
Had an appointment with a spine specialist on Monday and got told a bunch of stuff that I could have said myself... without waiting in the exam room for almost an hour for him to catch up with his appointments... which just irritated me more. Total waste of time and energy and he expects me to do all the work with no pain relief aids whatsoever. He doesn't seem to understand the realities of severe and chronic depression combined with severe and chronic pain. Tomorrow is my physical with my PCP and I think I would rather opt out for a root canal without novocaine
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@RunaMarti sound like you may need a new spine specialist. I know that's probably easier said than done, because you may not have a lot to choose from, but having a good relationship with your medical team is so important! I hope you take the time to talk to you PCP about your other appointment, your depression and your pain. Hopefully he/she can provide you with some help. Keep us posted! 2
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Hi, @RunaMarti
So sorry to hear of your issues. Pain management is so incredibly difficult, and when combined with the added complication of depression and obesity and the dismissal by medical professionals, it gets so much more convoluted. I hope you soon find some relief for your situation and encourage you to do everything you can reasonably do to improve your circumstance in order to keep moving forward.
I suspect that your situation is more severe than I can imagine, but I offer you my story as encouragement to help fuel your hope:
I find that as I lose weight and get deliberately more active, my own level of pain and frequency of excruciating pain attacks has greatly lessened and in a dramatic way. This is a significant relief to me and so encouraging. I focused on losing weight by eating healthy and in a calorie deficit for the first four months of being active on MFP, only doing some minimal walking in those initial first few months. Then I started with more deliberate additional walking and going to the gym for some beginner sessions in early July.
I worked my way through the pain at the gym that first month when the arthritic inflammation doubled the size of my ankle joints and feet. Some days, I kid you not, it felt like I was walking on broken glass. I just kept going back. Everything I read on this subject suggests that losing weight and getting more active is the answer for me, but the hard slog to get to where I am now seemed impossible, especially since there is no knowing how long it will take doing this to get some relief. I just grit my teeth and did as much as I could do every day. I now know that I will continue to improve the more weight I lose and with the growing number of gym visits.1 -
Thanks @cnavarro002 & @PloddingTurtle !! I made it to my appointment even though I was barely conscious. I finally fell asleep this morning at about 7:30 AM and my alarm started going off at 8:25 AM... I finally got out of bed at about 9:25 AM and made it to the dr office by about 9:50 AM for my 10 AM appointment. Phew... so glad I live close to places!!
I just got insurance via Medicare in February of this year. Prior to that, I was uninsured since summer of 2015, when I moved back down south (Oklahoma) and therefore, went to a lot of places that did free or volunteer work for the low-income and uninsured. I just started seeing a different provider in June because I was tired of the previous office and so this specialist I saw on Monday was a totally new person. I am not sure if he read my forwarded information from my last pain clinic in Minnesota, but he acted like I was a drug seeking individual (which this whole pain medication epidemic has resulted in doctors being very skeptical and cautious) and even though I expected it, because of my insomnia being in full effect as of late, I was just crabby. Appointment with PCP went well today. She is a DO, so seems more knowledgeable about things than an MD. She recently finished her residency in Kansas and came back to Oklahoma and works in the same office (of a multi location clinic) as her own father, who is also a DO. And the care coordinator has the same family name, too. So, even though it is a huge network of clinics, this location seems almost like a family practice.
She is trying to refer me to a new psychiatrist since my recent counseling and medication management center just gave me the boot in a very dramatic and traumatic manner. Yes, I was difficult and yes, I have very severe issues, AND every time I apologized and freaked out that they would kick me out the outpatient director and my therapist stated that would never happen and everything was okay. Then, upon my therapist's advice and consent, with the assurance we would still be working together upon discharge, I admitted myself to their inpatient facility. And the day I was admitted, my therapist came over to see me and told me that she was getting pressure to send me elsewhere, I actually have been wearing her out, and nothing would change at all unless and until I heard from her. The next day, the inpatient therapist told me that hours before the outpatient therapist came to see me, she had been part of an email chain talking about sending me elsewhere and read verbatim that my outpatient therapist had asked whomever was going to break the news to me to have compassion on my situation.
You see, the outpatient therapist and director of outpatient services had been told a couple times that I was still recovering from having reported a therapist to the Board of Psychology back in Minnesota, and in retaliation, her well connected (both legally and politically) family filed trumped up harassment restraining orders against me and lied in court about my interactions to have them hold up... then stalked all my online activity and later had me arrested by lying to the police that I had violated the restraining orders. I was being charged by a neighboring county because I worked for the same county that the charges themselves had been filed in and I was kicked out of my place of worship because of their connections, I got harassed and so mistreated at work because of all the time off I had to take for the Criminal Mental Health Court Program I was forced to participate in so that I didn't go to jail, but rather the charges would get dismissed. I lost everything. Cashed out my retirement, moved back down south where I lived right after graduate school, never found a job, was evicted, homeless for several months, mistreated severely at a free counseling center with no other options due to traveling limitations, and lost the only two beings that meant anything to me at that point - my cats. So, my depression and SI have been severe and due to not having insurance, my pain control care was non-existent and so I became beyond sedentary and have lost tons of muscle, and endurance, and I was making tons of progress with the new therapist, but all the things she said were not an issue are the very reasons that the grievance committee stated they are upholding the directors decision to kick me out... never mind that she herself continued to sit on the deciding committee after I filed a grievance on her. And the center has tried to pad my bill for an extra $400.00 plus dollars, told me that they have no record of my payment plan that was set up in May or any record of payments... they could send me bills, but not the determination letter of the grievance committee, and by the time they did send me the letter, it wasn't signed, told me to never come back and then ended with a form-letter sentence that they look forward to serving me in the future. So, I have stopped contact with almost everyone... have reviewed all my relationships a million times. Because it is not just therapists... it is EVERYONE in my life. I get told time and again that a behavior I think is a problem is fine, and then months, years, decades down the line, when they blow up at me and tell me to go to hell, it turns out (if they say anything) that it always WAS a problem and they didn't want to say anything (even though I asked directly) because they were too concerned about my possible reaction.
So, there is everything I erased yesterday. I hate my life. I have lost over a hundred pounds in my mid 20s when I lived in Russia, I lost 85 pounds in my early 30s, I lost 60 pounds in my mid 30s... and now I am just exhausted, physically, mentally, and psychologically of constantly pushing through and doing things differently, but always getting the same result. They say the definition of insanity is going the SAME thing over and over and expecting different results. But I actually am making changes and doing things differently and getting the same result and it just ends in less and less trust of the human population, and more and more anger at myself and my life... such as it is. But the effects of countless psych meds and pain meds kept my weight up and my attitude grim. I don't respond well to meds and my body becomes immune quickly, so I end up with high doses and tons of different med changes and it all just adds up.
So, again, I am going to try and be more positive... and get back on the wagon... push through the pain, try and get into a routine... and invest myself more into MFP to hope to connect to some genuine folks who "get" it even if I never meet them.
So sorry about the dissertation... but all hell just broke loose in July and I am barely staying sane, much less anything else. The crisis counselors that helped me over the phone hold on (and honestly stay alive so I could get insurance) have again started getting calls from me (multiple times a night some nights) just trying not to have an ultimate breakdown from all of this. It is really hard because they saw (well, heard) how well I was doing and were so excited I was getting more energy and joy out of life and this happened. I am fed up. I know WHAT to do... I know HOW to do it... and just don't even want to bother. I feel like there is no point. And yet... I somehow find the strength to continue. I have had severe chronic pain and depression since I was a pre teen... documented by hospitals and clinics since I was 16... and now I am 41... I am just at a loss.
And yet, here's looking forward to some changes in September!!! Hoping there will be a new challenge thread and that I can really get moving and stay motivated.1 -
@RunaMarti I just want to hug you and tell you YOU ARE NOT ALONE IN THIS JOURNEY. I will stand by you everyday to interact with you help you in any way I can or just to listen to you vent. I do know the struggles of pain,emotional stability and eating disorder. No one can compare themselves to your pain and struggles but there are still good people in this world. Great support system here but in reality please don't take this harshly as it's said in compassion and understanding you need to engage more!!! You kept this in so long thinking no one would care. I Do!!!!!! Please post everyday if need be . You are so brave to put all this out there for anyone to see. That is a awesome start. We all need help guidance and friends on this roller coaster ride. If not for this group I would be lost. I hope you do reach out and let the group be supportive of you we can do this one step at a time....2
