Struggling and need to vent

ktafr16

Hey Everyone,

I just wanted to vent and let out a few things that have been frustrating me…I am a binge eater. I have been struggling with this for the past 16 years and it has taken over my life for all these years. The only thing I feel I can control in my life are my weight, exercising and food. I have been seeing professional help for this but I am at the point now where I am falling back into my bingeing routine. I exercise and eat healthy for three months and then miss my binges and go back to that lifestyle and stop working out.

My friends and family don’t understand this which makes it even more difficult which is why I decided to reach out to this group because I know you all understand. I am trying real hard to get out of this funk. I don’t want to struggle with this anymore.

Thank you for always being there for me!

Kate

Adylia16

Not good to hear Kate.

A month ago I was a regular binge eater. Typically afternoons or weekends. And I still don't know why. I just found myself already in the drive-thru or in the supermarket buying junk and scoffing it down as if I was going to die in the hour...!!!
I am seeing professional help too. I don't find it works too much, but it helps bring me purpose to what I am trying to do.

Not sure about you, but with me, I never told anyone about my binging, and still can't. I think most of my family members would say something like "oh you will get over it" as if it is something you just DO. That is the good thing about this site I guess. I think having friends can help, and you don't have to be embarrassed. One day at a time!

It really feels like you can't control your urges. The habit of binge eating is horrible, and you just feel so guilty afterwards that just feeds the urge more to make you feel better.

Sometimes just having someone to talk to is enough.

Don't think I have any straight forward answers. All I can say is forgive yourself often, and don't set rules that are unreasonable.

Best of luck xx

idahomommy

Are either/both of you seeing a counselor that specializes in eating disorders?

I have a counselor for some other things that are big issues for me. My food habits weren't of concern at the time I started seeing her. However, now they are pretty much out of control. She is aware, but she doesn't specialize in eating disorders and I've found she's just not very helpful in that area.

Years and years ago I saw a few counselors for my eating disorder. The only one to ever have helped was one who specialized in eating disorders and had one herself when she was younger. I'm pretty sure I'm going to find one that specializes again.

ktafr16

Thank you both for the support, I really appreciate it. It is always nice knowing that there are other people out there like me who have challenges around food. I binge alone, which is the norm for most people with this disorder. I have only shared my issue with my best friend (who is also my co-worker) and she has been very helpful in being supportive. Last night, we actually put visualizations around my kitchen that will help me not go into the kitchen after dinner. Granted, it is only the first day doing this, but I am hoping those reminders will help.

When it comes to professional help, I started seeing a therapist for other reasons besides food and then she wasn't able to help me with that part of my life. She then recommended a group called Eating with Grace, a 5 month group for those with Eating Disorders, where we all meet for once a week and talk about how everything is going and coping mechanisms. I found myself bingeing more during this time and gained 20 pounds. I didn't find the group helpful, and where I live, there isn't much out there. The cost is another issue so I am working hard to get through this with the help from my current therapist as well as that one friend that understands what is going on. She keeps me in check. This site has also helped so much in getting my issues out and having that support.

Everyday is a challenge for me and I find myself thinking about food all the time.

Thank you for all your help! It's nice knowing you all are out there!

Kate

csm2010

Hang it there girly!!
I look at my binging as an addiction. I know that when I'm craving foods like sweets at night it's because of a deeper rooted issue. I absolutely HATE looking deeper. I really, truly don't want to know whats going on for whatever reason. Usually because I find truths that's aren't flattering. But I do it anyways. I also know that cravings to binge will usually go away if I call a friend, or get out of my kitchen! I also make sure not to keep any trigger foods. (my poor hubby hates it.) But I cannot eat/have peanut butter! Ever! I've come to terms that I have an addiction to food and certain foods triggers chemical responses in my brain that make me want more. Looking at my ED like this makes me feel more okay- like i'm not week, it's just a chemical thing
I go to Alcoholics Anonymous and have found the principles they teach to be very helpful. By no means is it easy! But it's getting there.
Hang in there!

ktafr16

Thank you so much for the support! I really appreciate it. There are days, like today, where I am really struggling with this addiction and I know that I am always going to have challenges around food. I just wish it was easier. In my mind, food=happiness and it's hard, when I feel the urge, to look deep to figure out why am I doing this. I don't think I have ever been truly happy, which is why I have gone to see a professional.

I think it's a good idea to not keep my trigger foods in the house (like you, I am a huge peanut butter fan and don't know when to stop myself). My whole life, I dealt with my feelings by eating, no matter what these feelings were. It's sad to think that I turn to food for my happiness (even if this happiness lasts for 30 minutes). It's a never ending cycle and know that it's something I need to work on throughout the rest of my life.

Thank you for the ideas in order to help myself. I am taking it one day at a time. And I thank you and all my other supports for being there and making this a less difficult transition.

THANK YOU!!

idahomommy

If I could, I would totally get rid of all trigger foods and put up notes around my kitchen - well fridge and pantry door. I can't because 1. my husband would probably cry if I got rid of anything with sugar in it (let's face it, in my house, if I run out of sweets I like, I have no problem breaking into the baking supply or eating random things that I normally would not like, but it fits the sweet criteria and 2. my husband doesn't really realize (or tell me he does) the extent of what I have going on.

I do have a list I keep close to me of a bunch of things to do when I want to binge. I have yet to actually remember about the list, but maybe I can at least put something on the fridge that says "LIST" in it to help remind me. I think some of the "tricks" would actually help slow me down, but I don't really know yet.

If that group isn't working, any chance you can find a completely different therapist that does deal with ED? I'm in the same boat - I see mine for something different and she's not effective in this area. However, I love her to do death and can't imagine leaving. And I haven't suggested finding someone else for that portion because I feel really bad, like I'm telling her I don't think she's good enough. However, I think it'll come to a point that's what I have to do.

volume77

I totally get it. im the same way . its so true that its an addiction. ive already gained back 10 lbs that I lost by bingeing

eddie8131

While I am sure that yours and my journey are different in many ways, the cycle of bingeing and then doing good and back again is something I identify with. The urges to binge and the feelings inside that lead to them are very powerful. I'm so glad you are seeing a professional because they will help you to identify what feelings are causing you to turn to food. They will also help you to find alternatives to the food.

Several things help me. Avoiding triggers seems so simple but is so vital. Avoid triggers relentlessly. We aren't like other people who can watch the Food Channel without being triggered to binge or who can just eat one plate at a buffet. And that's ok. Really it is. I try not to resent "those people". Also, I've learned not to feel so horrible about bingeing, and that beginning again really is success. We have to begin again every day to some extent. Lastly today I had an insight about alternatives. I listened to music on the way home from work and decided that I really should reconsider that and other diversions as alternatives to the food, which I never considered as such before. Wow was I hungry after work today and really wanted to stop somewhere to eat. But I was consumed by the music and the next thing I knew I was home.

Glad you are here and that you reached out.

eso2012

I agree with others about continuing with professional help. I was a major binger in my 20s (bulimic...I starved then binged and purged by using laxatives) and over the years the eating disorder is no longer an issue but will alawys be part of my DNA.

In the past 2 years, I lost about 23 pounds (which is quite a bit for me at 5'3" and never appeared to be overweight), have fallen in love with regular workouts and am a proud regular, quit smoking....and still occassionally have binging sessions. Like tonight! The big difference is, instead of being a black hole that I fall into and just "let myself go", I have developed a "U Turn" mentality. One bad binging session, ok, accept it, don't think or plan for a new day....just go to sleep, no looking back, no big resolution. By accepting it, tomorrow is just another day, not "the big restart day". Pressure can be a big trigger, and you may not even notice it. At least that's how I deal with that these days...and it is working for me. Not a planned strategy per se, but the result of many lifestyle changes. I can see that you too have lost weight/gotten healthier...so I hope you will be able to find your way to handle your eating problems.

idahomommy

I have developed a "U Turn" mentality. One bad binging session, ok, accept it, don't think or plan for a new day....just go to sleep, no looking back, no big resolution. By accepting it, tomorrow is just another day, not "the big restart day". Pressure can be a big trigger, and you may not even notice it.

I just finished a book about a woman who is fully recovered from her ED. During her recovery her mantra was:

"Do the next right thing."

In her case, if she binged, she needed to eat the next meal anyway. Just move on. Don't "punish" yourself. Don't regret it. Just do the next right thing.

Obviously everything we all say is easier said than done, but I've found myself repeating that mantra in most other aspects of my life as well.

eso2012

"Do the next right thing."

Great mantra!

lua_

I have developed a "U Turn" mentality. One bad binging session, ok, accept it, don't think or plan for a new day....just go to sleep, no looking back, no big resolution. By accepting it, tomorrow is just another day, not "the big restart day". Pressure can be a big trigger, and you may not even notice it.

I just finished a book about a woman who is fully recovered from her ED. During her recovery her mantra was:

"Do the next right thing."

In her case, if she binged, she needed to eat the next meal anyway. Just move on. Don't "punish" yourself. Don't regret it. Just do the next right thing.

Obviously everything we all say is easier said than done, but I've found myself repeating that mantra in most other aspects of my life as well.

Not punishing yourself is absolutely central to destroying the binging behaviour. Every time I binge, I tell myself I'm going to fast for days or eat 500 calories a day to make up for it, then that just starts a cycle. Instead, I get myself up for a run the next day (which isn't fun when you've got post-binge digestive issues) and eat normally.

I've been binging for 11 years, & every day without one is a step in the right direction.

JTutz

I have developed a "U Turn" mentality. One bad binging session, ok, accept it, don't think or plan for a new day....just go to sleep, no looking back, no big resolution. By accepting it, tomorrow is just another day, not "the big restart day". Pressure can be a big trigger, and you may not even notice it.

In her case, if she binged, she needed to eat the next meal anyway. Just move on. Don't "punish" yourself. Don't regret it. Just do the next right thing.


I love this. I've been steadily losing the battle lately. Each time I fall off the wagon I say , "This is it. Ok now THIS is it. Now this time is OFFICIALLY IT", etc & it just never is. At this point, each time I do this just feels like Im lying to myself & my self knows it. Instead of hearby proclaiming each binge The Very Last Binge That Will Ever Occur, maybe I'll just try not giving them so much weight (no pun intended).

ktafr16

Wow! Thank you all so much for the support! I am looking into someone who specializes in ED! I am starting to practice new strategies everyday. I live alone so I feel comfortable putting notes around my place to keep me stable. Of course there are days where I ignore those signs and binge but I am learning that everyday is a new day and the mantra "Do the next right thing" is helping me. I have never been this open about my issues until this site, where I do feel comfortable expressing my thoughts and feelings, so thank you all so much! I am so lucky to have you all on here, supporting me through my ups and downs! Everyday is a new day and I am starting not to beat myself up about a "bad" day!

THANK YOU!!!