Adult Children of Emotional or Binge Eating Parents

divainsneakers

I am an adult child of parents who both in their own way had disordered eating. I remember still being in a car seat (the bigger kid kind) and seeing my mom go on a food run to get jelly donuts from Foodtown, which she ate in the car. I think she assumed I was too young to know what was going on. My dad used to sit in the basement and eat candy. These examples are only the tip of the iceberg.

My mother would also use food as a disciplinary tactic. "If you are good" you can have "x" snack. As a result food became equated with being a "good girl" and with my mother's love and attention.

How does one begin to overcome lessons that are so deeply rooted?

I am still answering that question for myself.

However, for me, it started by forgiving my parents and seeing them as flawed humans. Hating them and blaming them was so easy, but it wasn't going to get me anywhere.

Second, it has involved me starting to forgive myself. Of course I am going to do these behaviors -- that's what I was trained from a young age to do!

Third, it has involved me retraining myself regarding food. I literally have to answer the question, "Why am I eating this?" every time I eat a sweet (my trigger food). I've found for me most of the time my answer is: I am lonely or I am sad. Then I have to tap into my logical mind. A glazed donut might taste good for 10 seconds, but it isn't going to cure loneliness. What could really help me?

What have been your experiences growing up with emotional eating? When did it start? Did you see parents or family members do it?

What strategies have helped you start working through this?

melodylou

This is a great post. I can definitely relate. My father was an alcoholic, and my mom was an emotional eater. I am lucky that i too have forgiven them, they have conquered their demons, and we have a good relationship now. It was not easy. I was loved with food growing up. Typical scenario - my father would get drunk and start yelling; if he got too violent (not physical abuse but emotional), we would get in the car and escape to Dairy Queen. The light has only recently come on for me that some of my bad eating habits are deeply subconsciously ingrained.
I've also realized that, interestingly enough (to me), there are many non-sweet foods that my mom liked to eat a lot of that I've found repulsive over the years. Examples - beef stroganoff. I would never attempt to eat that. Another example, though - tomatoes. Have finally in the past few years started enjoying them.

divainsneakers

Thanks for your kind words and for sharing part of your story.

My mother definitely taught me the primers of "secret eating." I remember accompanying her Burger King and she told me not to tell anyone. I was very young...who was I going to tell? -- I was able to reflect on this behavior, and many more examples from both parents, later and realize it was about expressing my emotions using food. I learned that I was very detached from my emotions and realized that I was using food as a way to express, or more accurately to soothe, feelings such as sadness, stress, loneliness, anger, etc.

It is definitely a complicated situation but I am beginning to feel more optimistic because I have a better understanding about why I eat emotionally instead of just thinking that I am possessed by some uncontrollable force.

girlwiththemost

Food was deinitely a source of love growing up.

My dad and I always bonded over food. It was innocent enough, but it definitely helped shape the way I feel about food, especially sweets. My dad was an avid snacker, and he loved sharing with me.

My mom has always struggled with her weight. I think I get most of my eating habits from her. Whenever she got upset, it was taken out on a bag of chips. We both had to deal with my alcoholic step dad, and it was mostly through the comfort of eating. We both and "secert" food stashes, and I became really good at sneaking around the kitchen so my parents wouldn't hear.

Luckily, I somehow adopted a preference for healthy eating once I left my toxic enviorment. Unfortunately I went through a few years of alcohol abuse myself, and I still struggle with depression. I'm definitely still working through it. Just yesterday I ate 4 pieces of cake that I had brought home from my boyfriend and hid the evidence by burying the container in the garbage. Stress gets to me, and I gravitate towards comfort foods. I did really well for a few months, and managed to lose 15 pounds, but that weight has come back and is threatening to go even higher.

I think it's just a matter of getting to know ourselves, and developing new habits. I definitely am optimistic that I won't have to deal with this forever. I find journaling helps me a lot. Laying out my goals, and organizing myself for success. I really like to practice writing a list of things I did well, and one thing I need to focus on on a daily basis to help me learn where my repetitive behaviour is coming from.

divainsneakers

Girlwiththemost. Thanks for sharing part of your story. Yes, it is definitely a challenge every day. I think they key is to not give up when you have one slip up. I admit that I've done that!

I admit that even now when I going to eat - I have to ask myself "Is it hunger or is it an emotion?"

enkmom

I can relate to all of the stories shared. My mother was and still is an emotional eater and my father was an alcoholic. After she divorced him, she married a verbal and mental abuser. I can remember times when my mother would pick us up at school and take us to the grocery store because she received her child support check and we would buy all kinds of junk food and go home and eat like crazy. I also remember her buying 1/2 gallons of ice cream and cutting them in 1/3 for her, me and my sister. When I think about it now it makes me sick.

I have a son of my own now and I really try to get him to eat more healthy stuff. I worry about him because I was a heavy child my whole life and I don't want him to go through what I did. I just had a bad eating binge last night. I'm trying to forget about it and move on. It sure is a daily battle.

GMM28

Girlwiththemost: Wow... I hide evidence too. As a child I remember sneaking cheese slices from the fridge, hiding in the bathroom to eat them and burying the thin plastic wrappers in the garbage can under the tissues.

My dad would sneak McD's from the drive thru and I would see the coupons in his car. Mom hid chocolate in drawers around the house... them hiding junk food and their "bad food" behaviours made junk food seem like such a privilege that I really binged when I gained independence and I never got over that feeling. I even remember scraping nickels together to buy my own fundraising chocolate bars in high school and hiding the wrappers. I know my parents tried their best but in reality I think it would have been better for them to nonchalantly share the treats with me than hide them- the fact that they made the treats illicit made them even more appealing.

I've been married for 7 years and I still hide wrappers and food. From who? My husband? I don't know. Old habits die hard.

kellyspring76

I hide food and food evidence, too! My husband is wonderful... so why do I do this? I think I've lived with this craziness for so long that, although it's painful, it's even scarier to think of living without it. :indifferent:

divainsneakers

Enkmom -

I totally get it! I remember as a young girl going on one of my mom's "runs" to get jelly donuts (one of her favorite binge items). I also remember being in the back seat and my mom heading to get fast food as she frantically told me to "not tell." My father used to hang out in his basement "man cave" and had candy hidden in the igloo coolers. He'd also drink down there, but that is a whole other story.

I have done and continue to do a lot of work. I think first and foremost I worked to get in touch with my emotions and see emotions just as emotions. It took me a long time to accept that I could get angry, or cry, and I didn't have to stuff those feelings down with food. Further, I had to retrain myself to eat, literally asking myself "am I hungry?" every time I put something in my mouth. Once I started doing this it was shocking to me how many times I answered that I was "bored" or "lonely" or "tired" instead of hungry.

divainsneakers

GMM8-

I was very bad hiding food myself. Again, I didn't know who I was hiding it from because I lived alone!! I think it is such an engrained move that you don't even know you are doing it. There is also this great feeling of intense distress, anxiety, and sometimes shame. At least for me it is a very complex series of emotions.

As I've worked to stop binging I've made it a point to eat around others. Until I made this a "requirement" I didn't realize how much I was hiding while I was eating whether it was healthy or not.

Another big component for me was accepting that food is food and it was how I was using it that was the problem. No one brownie is going to make me overweight, upset, etc. Also that brownie, although soothing for a moment, doesn't take away the emotion(s) I was trying to sooth or repress. For me, food really was the way I was regulating/misregulating my emotions.

divainsneakers

KellySpring76-

I totally get this feeling. I guess the question to ask is what is the food doing for you? Is it acting as a crutch, a filter, a best friend, something else? -- For me I realized the food was a way that I was dealing with feelings of loneliness. It was so scary for me when I first tried to give up binging because it was truly my crutch. I thought the world would end, the earth would stop spinning, and I was in a panic when I first said "no" to my crazed impulse to binge. You know what? It was really hard, but the world didn't end, and each time it became slightly easier to fend off.

Bebubble

Hi I am new here. I just need a place to let this out today. I am hoping by telling someone, I feel more responsible in the end and not do what I have done to cope in the past. So I am sorry if I am off topic. Its about 15 minutes before I have to leave to go across a few towns to my elderly mom house. I am feeding her lunch and then off to the doctors. I know the elderly have times where they are angry, grouchy, mean. But let me make this clear. She has been all those things towards me and my sibs through out our life. Not just cause she is getting on in her life. Anyhow, I am trying to get going. But I keep hearing her bulling in my head. I keep hearing her put downs. This is making me extremely uncomfortable. Whats worse she knows this. I have made it very clear what she does hurts me and what it does to me. And she knows my other siblings have dropped out in helping her because of the abuse they have suffered. Abuse, ha, that has just become my word for her actions. Its just me now. I know she didn't not want me when she found out she was pregnant with me 52 years ago. Which makes this all the more difficult. She has even expressed this to my face as I have grown older. I have dealt with this in recent years by coming home to my home, and eating chocolate. Chocolate everything. AND if I know there is none to be had at home. I have even been known to stop and buy some before getting home. And I have tried to trick myself by not even getting chocolate but something just as tasty. I will eat the whole thing. And then even go get fast food. I have exercised already this am and ate a good healthy breakfast. Lunch is going to be healthy too. My problem is this, it sounds so dumb. What do I do today? How am I going to cope? I know I do not want to fall back on the wrong habits. But I am already feeling out of control. I have seen a professional for years and thought I had conjured this. Maybe it wont be so bad today. I best be on my way. Thank you for letting me expresses this to you.

divainsneakers

BeBubble-

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with your mom. I understand tough parental relationships. I've realized that I can only control my reactions to other people. It is kind of hard to get perspective when you are in the throws of it, but pulling back (even emotionally) might be best for your sanity.

carlaunderconstruction

Hello Everyone,

My mom was a binge eater, but she also went through successful diet/ purge stages. I remember binging myself by the time I was 8. I went on weight watchers for the first time at 11. My dad was very emotionally abusive when I was a child, and I was encouraged not to show outward emotions as a child. I totally get all of you that say you have hidden your binge eating, because I've hidden food wrappers, and fast food bags for years.
I have forgiven my parents for the past, and we have a decent relationship now. My mom is in control of her eating now (better than I am), and my dad has "mellowed" with age, so that he is less of an angry man. I just struggle when my parents are proud of me for weight loss, but show very little pride for my achievements like finishing college, getting a second degree, or becoming a teacher.

divainsneakers

Carlaundercon-

I am an only child, but I feel like we could be sisters separated at birth. What you described about your parents, your experiences, even your education and career is me to a T.

Learning not to express emotions from my parents was a big one. There were acceptable emotions - anger being one. However, showing sadness/crying was strictly forbidden (totally inferred on my part). The result was playing off a lot of hurt with humor. Granted I think I can be pretty funny at times, but at the time it was just thinly veiling pain. As I've tried to make strides with my weight loss and reducing/stopping binging some people have commented that I am less jokey/over the topic and less caustic in my humor. I am sure that this is no coincidence.

My father was and is difficult. In high school I lost 125 pounds on weight watchers. I remember coming back from my "lifetime membership" ceremony and he said to me, "well, you are still fat, you'll never be thin." I remember being so shocked and then this stimulated my adult binging. I think at lot goes back to that moment. However, over time I realize that that comment was more about him and his issues with weight than me and mine, but it is hard not to take a comment like that personally. It also negatively impacted my view of men for many, many years, but that is a whole other story.

In short, I know what you are going through! I hope things are improving for you as it sounds like you've done a lot of thinking about the situation.

Bebubble

BeBubble-

Sorry to hear that you are dealing with your mom. I understand tough parental relationships. I've realized that I can only control my reactions to other people. It is kind of hard to get perspective when you are in the throws of it, but pulling back (even emotionally) might be best for your sanity.

Thank you! Yes you are correct. pulling back would be best. I just have a hard time doing that. Maybe I can work on that too!

HarrietSmeltzer1

I started to eat emotionally at 9 years old. I would sit behind overstuffed chairs and eat ntil I threw up the massive amounts of food. I was neglected sad lonely. I either bingedcpurged or dieted for 54 years. I did this so long. Every hour of the days my mind was filled with food. Some days I ate every 15 minutes all day. I felt as though a bkeck umbrella of sadness was in my stomach. I never thought to ask God to hekpvne become a normal eater but he did one night after I ate a meal that a family of five could have eaten I prayed to God to make a normal eater out of me. The next morning I got up and ate my breakfast waited five hours ate my lunch five hours later dinner. Like normal eaters do. I cut back on amounts too. I lost 80 lbs and kept itviff for 10 years. I now lost 15 more on my fitness. I also hour naked my feelings and would read what was truly going on in my mind and heart. I stopped eating every emotion. I found out I could not stop eating until I found out what was eating me. It was a tough process but with God all things are possible. I too was given food treats when I was good or as an activity my mom and dad had eating disorders too to calm them down. When I watch shows about weight loss I cringe. Big fat people are crying inside. Those shows just hype exercise and duet but the soulis emotionally bankrupt. Good luck and thank you for this tipic

divainsneakers

Harriet,

I am glad that you were able to make so many positive changes in your life!

kellyspring76

KellySpring76-

I totally get this feeling. I guess the question to ask is what is the food doing for you? Is it acting as a crutch, a filter, a best friend, something else? -- For me I realized the food was a way that I was dealing with feelings of loneliness. It was so scary for me when I first tried to give up binging because it was truly my crutch. I thought the world would end, the earth would stop spinning, and I was in a panic when I first said "no" to my crazed impulse to binge. You know what? It was really hard, but the world didn't end, and each time it became slightly easier to fend off.

Thanks!

divainsneakers

No problem. It took me a long time to realize that sometimes when I was eating I was just trying to feel an emotion in some twisted way or push down an emotion that I was brought up believing was "bad" to express.

kts1988

I have found this thread to be so helpful and really relate to so many of everyone's stories. it is nice to communicate with people who understand what i have been through.

I grew up in a household where emotions were not acknowledged or tolerated, and both of my parents engaged in disordered eating. My mother is very thin, a chronic dieter, and borders on having an eating disorder. My father is obese and binge eats foods "forbidden" by my mother. Food was always dealt with in black and white terms of "good" and "bad." As an emotionally sensitive child in this environment, I struggled.

I developed anorexia shortly after puberty, which developed into depression and then binge eating disorder. It seems that I was modeling each of my parents, and I was angry at them for years before I was able to forgive them and move forward. Currently, I am working on forgiving myself and repairing my relationship with food.

I agree with so many of the insights you all have shared. Viewing food as just food has been so important, as has been identifying my emotions and my needs.

Thank you all for sharing!

divainsneakers

kts1988 -

I am glad that this thread was helpful to you. It was a a big step for me to start it. I am still working on expressing emotions. It's hard when from an early age you are told that the expression of some feelings is "bad," "not permitted," or "not done."

GeekyKellie

This thread has really helped me reflect, and has helped me feel better knowing other people have dealt with this as well. Thanks, you guys .

My mother has always been an emotional eater, for as long as I can remember. Growing up, I was with her when she went through periods of depression and weight gain. Her thing was always lots of carbs or sweets when she felt sad. I remember hearing her calling herself fat and being so upset, or crying because her clothes wouldn't fit anymore. My dad was (and is) more of a health nut, and I remember him fighting with her about her weight gain, which only made her upset (and led to eating more). They divorced after he had an affair. He later married the other woman, who was very thin. I do have great relationships with both of my parents now that I'm older.

I've gained about 25 pounds since leaving college for the first time four years ago. I gained most of it after the end of a 2 or so year emotionally abusive relationship. Lately I've just been stressed out over money issues; the company I work for was laying people off, and I was trying to save up to be able to go back to college and finish my BA. I kept eating, even if I'm completely full, and I don't want to keep gaining.

I remember, about two years ago, I went over to my dad's house to visit. I'd been dieting like crazy (I was on the "17 Day Diet", which does work, but I wasn't able to stick to it for more than a couple weeks). I had lost about 7 lbs, and I remember he told me I looked skinny. I was so happy, I started tearing up. That really, really bothered me. It made me think, do I want to lose weight for me? Or am I doing it for my parents? I want it to be for me. I struggle with that.

One of the other things I struggle with most is how terribly mean/cranky I can get if I don't give in to my cravings when I'm upset. Does this ever happen to you guys? I have a wonderful boyfriend I live with now, and he's so supportive. I feel absolutely awful when I snap at him when, say, I had a bad day at work and all I can think about is chocolate ice cream. It sounds so stupid when I type it out like this, and I know it's unfair to him.

nazykatz

From OP: "Third, it has involved me retraining myself regarding food. I literally have to answer the question, "Why am I eating this?" every time I eat a sweet (my trigger food). I've found for me most of the time my answer is: I am lonely or I am sad. Then I have to tap into my logical mind. A glazed donut might taste good for 10 seconds, but it isn't going to cure loneliness. What could really help me?"

This statement has really hit home with me. I am beginning to realize, that I do often recognize when my binging is triggered by an emotion (for me, it is usually loneliness or boredom). But I do NOT take the next step. When I am lonely, I should reach out to someone I care about... call my sisters, text a friend, look at old photo albums. And when I'm bored, I should read or workout.

My willpower has failed me a million more times than I can count! I like the previous poster's idea about praying. I believe surrendering my emotional healing to God may be an answer for me. My faith in myself is weak, but my faith in Him is strong!
And I believe that reaching out to God, friends and family, working on those relationships, will bring me more fulfillment and peace than any food ever could.

Thank you for this post. I feel inspired. I needed to read this today.

dutchandkiwi

My mother has always used food as comfort - as I now do as well (well try to get out of) She is very good at convincing herself that just one more is not tht bad. Which of course if that is the 50th that day is. And in order to make her feel less guilty about it she is prone to pushing food onto those present, which was me. As i am a bit of a pleaser (long story) when it come to mum I was happy to oblige. She also loved having a bit of cheese in the evening to destress. Not good. She was always on the latest fad diet (and still folows every 'new' superfood, can't eat this food or foodgroup religeously and something disappears for about a year from her cupboards.
Even these days she does it but the victim is that ultimate pleaser; the dog. Poor animal is totally overweight. But no it is not the food she feeds him. My nephews live close by and they come to her to be fed chips/crisps and soda as their parents do not keep it in the house. I do worry, at their age (mid puberty) all energy gets burned but the bad habits will stay.

I have learned to see that I have a similar relation to food and over the years have learned to break the habit for the best part. Only when I am really down/stressed it gets too much. Also I embraced exercise as a concept to de-stress, something my mother always hated.
The happy news is that my mothers now sees how it wirks for me and is starting to use me as an example. At least for herself. She is now pre-diabetic and is finally taking note of the advice she is getting form professionals