Dating an uncommunicative guy - advice please?
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It's tough to say, though 10 dates is a long time in my opinion. If I was the guy, I'd bring up the topic of exclusivity if I was serious about that person. If you just want to date, then it's totally fine. But if you want something serious, it might not happen with this guy (I could be wrong though)
Plus, the not responding to a text for 8 hours is a bit strange. I'd toss this one back in the ocean.0 -
It's tough to say, though 10 dates is a long time in my opinion. If I was the guy, I'd bring up the topic of exclusivity if I was serious about that person. If you just want to date, then it's totally fine. But if you want something serious, it might not happen with this guy (I could be wrong though)
Plus, the not responding to a text for 8 hours is a bit strange. I'd toss this one back in the ocean.
I guess if you just think of it like that - "10 dates" it sounds kind of long. But when we are not talking in between it doesn't seem long at all. There are so many things we haven't discussed, things I don't know about him and vice versa, so I am nowhere near ready to commit to him, that just wouldn't be smart. (And maybe its been 8 dates, something like that, if it makes a difference). I'm not quite ready to toss him back into the ocean over just that - I have dated a lot of people and he is treating me better than anyone, so I'm not going to be that hasty about it especially without being clear about what I want etc.
Edi - ok, tonight is date #9. Yes I counted, because I am a planner so they are all written down on my calendar lol.0 -
I feel like ten dates isn't even a long time! If you go on a couple dates a weeks that only a month. No guy would be coming over to my place or having sex with me that soon! I understand that aspect of your feelings, Urban.
However I do agree that if YOU told him that you weren't ready to have him over you have to bite the bullet and make the invite when you're ready. If you're not ready it's fine but tell him that it's still on your mind and you'll let him know when you're ready! I think that will give him a good idea that he is important to you.
Yup, it hasn't even been 6 weeks yet! Yeah, I do think I actually just need to bite the bullet even if i'm not totally comfortable having him over just yet - we have hung at his house maybe 4-5 times so I guess its time. When we had the talk about texting last week though i did tell him I was planning on having him over last weekend but then my comfort level dropped, so he should know I was ready.0 -
I feel like ten dates isn't even a long time! If you go on a couple dates a weeks that only a month. No guy would be coming over to my place or having sex with me that soon! I understand that aspect of your feelings, Urban.
However I do agree that if YOU told him that you weren't ready to have him over you have to bite the bullet and make the invite when you're ready. If you're not ready it's fine but tell him that it's still on your mind and you'll let him know when you're ready! I think that will give him a good idea that he is important to you.
Yup, it hasn't even been 6 weeks yet! Yeah, I do think I actually just need to bite the bullet even if i'm not totally comfortable having him over just yet - we have hung at his house maybe 4-5 times so I guess its time. When we had the talk about texting last week though i did tell him I was planning on having him over last weekend but then my comfort level dropped, so he should know I was ready.
No offense but there's talk and there is action. If a woman is uncomfortable inviting me to her place after she's been to mine 4-5 times, I'm going to think something isn't right. If she further confounds that by saying she was going to invite me over but something I did made her uncomfortable, I'm going to chalk it up as a cop out. I'll think she is trying to blame me for her own insecurities. I'll figure she wasn't really going to invite me and found/made an excuse to justify it. From that point on, the ball is in her court. I'll put much less effort into things after that.0 -
My ex bf wasnt very communicative. In the very beginning, he'd call every 3-4 days just to say hi and texts weren't frequent. I never initiated contact in the beginning. But I remember thinking he wasn't that into me.
Over the course of our 8 month relationship, the texting and calls increased. He'd call (or I would) every day. We went from once or twice seeing each other to 4 days a week with sleep overs.
It grew. But for example, during his vacation he called everyday in the evening but we'd talk for 5-10 minutes. I was just always left wanting more. I didn't feel "connected" to him. In the 8 months we were together I never said I love you! And yes, I would talk about it to him (not in the beginning) and he'd work on his communication but I still wouldn't feel the connection.
If you're a chatty person (Lord knows I am) and you strive on lots of communication, I would think about it. This might not change. I mean, it might increase but he might just not be what you want.0 -
It's tough to say, though 10 dates is a long time in my opinion. If I was the guy, I'd bring up the topic of exclusivity if I was serious about that person. If you just want to date, then it's totally fine. But if you want something serious, it might not happen with this guy (I could be wrong though)
Plus, the not responding to a text for 8 hours is a bit strange. I'd toss this one back in the ocean.
I guess if you just think of it like that - "10 dates" it sounds kind of long. But when we are not talking in between it doesn't seem long at all. There are so many things we haven't discussed, things I don't know about him and vice versa, so I am nowhere near ready to commit to him, that just wouldn't be smart. (And maybe its been 8 dates, something like that, if it makes a difference). I'm not quite ready to toss him back into the ocean over just that - I have dated a lot of people and he is treating me better than anyone, so I'm not going to be that hasty about it especially without being clear about what I want etc.
Edi - ok, tonight is date #9. Yes I counted, because I am a planner so they are all written down on my calendar lol.
You haven't discussed a lot of topics because he doesn't talk on the phone!! I know not everybody is into long phone conversations but that's when all the topics come up!
So are you asking him out for future dates or is he?? Are you planning the date (like what you'll be doing)?0 -
I feel like ten dates isn't even a long time! If you go on a couple dates a weeks that only a month. No guy would be coming over to my place or having sex with me that soon! I understand that aspect of your feelings, Urban.
However I do agree that if YOU told him that you weren't ready to have him over you have to bite the bullet and make the invite when you're ready. If you're not ready it's fine but tell him that it's still on your mind and you'll let him know when you're ready! I think that will give him a good idea that he is important to you.
Yup, it hasn't even been 6 weeks yet! Yeah, I do think I actually just need to bite the bullet even if i'm not totally comfortable having him over just yet - we have hung at his house maybe 4-5 times so I guess its time. When we had the talk about texting last week though i did tell him I was planning on having him over last weekend but then my comfort level dropped, so he should know I was ready.
No offense but there's talk and there is action. If a woman is uncomfortable inviting me to her place after she's been to mine 4-5 times, I'm going to think something isn't right. If she further confounds that by saying she was going to invite me over but something I did made her uncomfortable, I'm going to chalk it up as a cop out. I'll think she is trying to blame me for her own insecurities. I'll figure she wasn't really going to invite me and found/made an excuse to justify it. From that point on, the ball is in her court. I'll put much less effort into things after that.
Hmmm, interesting, I guess I never really thought about it this way. But in the beginning I did explain to him that it was a very intimate gesture to have someone in my personal space like that and after just 3 dates it was a bit too soon for - he was understanding and has not brought it up again. And I don't think it was a copout - he didn't text me back for 2 days and then forgot about plans we had, I was about to cut him off totally if he hadn't called and apologized for forgetting. That truly did make me not want him to come over yet and I would hope he would get that it wasn't just an excuse. Not sure how this would be about insecurities? But I will take this to heart and just have him over soon anyway.0 -
It's tough to say, though 10 dates is a long time in my opinion. If I was the guy, I'd bring up the topic of exclusivity if I was serious about that person. If you just want to date, then it's totally fine. But if you want something serious, it might not happen with this guy (I could be wrong though)
Plus, the not responding to a text for 8 hours is a bit strange. I'd toss this one back in the ocean.
I guess if you just think of it like that - "10 dates" it sounds kind of long. But when we are not talking in between it doesn't seem long at all. There are so many things we haven't discussed, things I don't know about him and vice versa, so I am nowhere near ready to commit to him, that just wouldn't be smart. (And maybe its been 8 dates, something like that, if it makes a difference). I'm not quite ready to toss him back into the ocean over just that - I have dated a lot of people and he is treating me better than anyone, so I'm not going to be that hasty about it especially without being clear about what I want etc.
Edi - ok, tonight is date #9. Yes I counted, because I am a planner so they are all written down on my calendar lol.
You haven't discussed a lot of topics because he doesn't talk on the phone!! I know not everybody is into long phone conversations but that's when all the topics come up!
So are you asking him out for future dates or is he?? Are you planning the date (like what you'll be doing)?
Lord I am a chatty person, and I think he is just more introverted and quiet, so yeah it is something I need to think about![:\](https://community.myfitnesspal.com/en/resources/emoji/confused.png ":\")
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YES exactly, like with other guys (or even friends!) they know what is going on with my life day to day so that brings up a lot of things to discuss- that isn't happening here so there is definitely a disconnect.
Well, thats the other issue, now that I sat down to think about it today, its mostly me making plans and asking
. Not totally, but like we will offhand mention we should do XYZ (like we mentioned wanting to see Elysium), then I will followup and be like, do you want to watch the movie on Friday? As I said I think he is more introverted and a bit more of a homebody - whereas I'm very social and out almost every night, so there are like a million things I want to do and I'm always looking for people to do them with, so I'll ask him. He has invited me over every Sunday to watch tv (we have been watching dexter and breaking bad together) and he is the one that suggested that - when i go over he will either cook or we'll go get food, so that will be his suggestion. Also, I am very much a planner, so I like to have stuff planned a week in advance - whereas usually when he has asked me to come over it has been the day before. So if there is an event I want to go to a week from now, I'll ask him - maybe jumping the gun and not giving him a chance to ask me?
I think he just isn't into doing things for the sake of doing them? Like for a lot of things he will say he is up for it but hasn't done it on his own or whatever because he hasn't had good company. Like I'm always picking restaurants, he says he just wants my company so we can go anywhere. Or i asked him about a few touristy things, he says he hasn't done them yet because he wants to go with someone who wants to go and enjoy it (so if I want to go he is all about going) - so basically like if someone else doesn't ask him to go, he wont' bring it up. Weird, and I am so the opposite.0 -
The part about insecurities is from my interpretation of personal experience. No one wants to have sex or be vulnerable without being comfortable with the other person. There are a few factors that I've expereinced with women regarding the speed at which that comfort occurs. Wanting to wait a longer time generally falls into three categories. The first is no sex without marriage for religious reasons. Almost always, this is ideologic and has nothing to do with insecurities (although not always). The second is a low libido and a general disinterest in sex. In this case waiting is a screen for finding a guy with a similarly low interest or a hope that the guy will see enough other great qualities to stick around in spite the low libido. Since you've mentioned that you have fooled around and indicated a desire for sex, if I were the guy in question, I would assume your libido was normal. From this, I'd chalk up your reason for needing more time to my third reason.
The third is mainly due to insecurities around self worth. Often it is a personal belief that sex is the only reason a guy could possibly be interested in her. This usually manifests with prolonged periods of "making the guy prove himself." I believe that most of the women in this category actually believe that they are just wanting to get comfortable. However, when it takes a long time to get comfortable and the comfort level can regress dramatically based on one negative experience despite numerous positive experiences it's because that negative experience just reinforces something in the woman's mind that tells her she is unlovable and only has value as a sex toy.
I don't want to imply that this is you or pertains to you in anyway. It's just that if I have had you over and you seem happy and then we don't see each other and you feel slighted and it makes you want to back away, I'd assume you had some insecurities and would debate whether it was something I wanted to deal with.
From your description, it sounds like you feel you are making all the effort and he isn't pulling his weight. As I said initially, it may just be that your communication patterns are not compatible and you will never feel fulfilled in a relationship with this guy despite how well he treats you when you are together.0 -
The part about insecurities is from my interpretation of personal experience. No one wants to have sex or be vulnerable without being comfortable with the other person. There are a few factors that I've expereinced with women regarding the speed at which that comfort occurs. Wanting to wait a longer time generally falls into three categories. The first is no sex without marriage for religious reasons. Almost always, this is ideologic and has nothing to do with insecurities (although not always). The second is a low libido and a general disinterest in sex. In this case waiting is a screen for finding a guy with a similarly low interest or a hope that the guy will see enough other great qualities to stick around in spite the low libido. Since you've mentioned that you have fooled around and indicated a desire for sex, if I were the guy in question, I would assume your libido was normal. From this, I'd chalk up your reason for needing more time to my third reason.
The third is mainly due to insecurities around self worth. Often it is a personal belief that sex is the only reason a guy could possibly be interested in her. This usually manifests with prolonged periods of "making the guy prove himself." I believe that most of the women in this category actually believe that they are just wanting to get comfortable. However, when it takes a long time to get comfortable and the comfort level can regress dramatically based on one negative experience despite numerous positive experiences it's because that negative experience just reinforces something in the woman's mind that tells her she is unlovable and only has value as a sex toy.
I love this ........... I must remeber how to put this for future rerence with friends0 -
The part about insecurities is from my interpretation of personal experience. No one wants to have sex or be vulnerable without being comfortable with the other person. There are a few factors that I've expereinced with women regarding the speed at which that comfort occurs. Wanting to wait a longer time generally falls into three categories. The first is no sex without marriage for religious reasons. Almost always, this is ideologic and has nothing to do with insecurities (although not always). The second is a low libido and a general disinterest in sex. In this case waiting is a screen for finding a guy with a similarly low interest or a hope that the guy will see enough other great qualities to stick around in spite the low libido. Since you've mentioned that you have fooled around and indicated a desire for sex, if I were the guy in question, I would assume your libido was normal. From this, I'd chalk up your reason for needing more time to my third reason.
The third is mainly due to insecurities around self worth. Often it is a personal belief that sex is the only reason a guy could possibly be interested in her. This usually manifests with prolonged periods of "making the guy prove himself." I believe that most of the women in this category actually believe that they are just wanting to get comfortable. However, when it takes a long time to get comfortable and the comfort level can regress dramatically based on one negative experience despite numerous positive experiences it's because that negative experience just reinforces something in the woman's mind that tells her she is unlovable and only has value as a sex toy.
These are certainly all valid reasons, but are absolutely not the only reasons in existance. You are right, low sex drive is not an issue, and I'm an atheist so thats not an issue. But neither is insecurity.. Maybe add another reason to your list? Personal values. Sex is an important meaningful act to me, something that should be shared between 2 people that are committed to each other (not married, just in a relationship). I don't do casual sex, and I don't just have sex with every guy I date; in fact, it has been a few years since I've had sex. It just isn't something I take lightly, plain and simple.
Edit - Didn't mean this to come off snarky at all, just saying, there are other reasons.0 -
If it helps, I'm sitting on a seven year dry spell because I'd rather wait for someone that wants to share an emotional and physical connection at the same time. Take all the time ya need. The right guy will stick around and wait. Cliche, I know...0
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If it helps, I'm sitting on a seven year dry spell because I'd rather wait for someone that wants to share an emotional and physical connection at the same time. Take all the time ya need. The right guy will stick around and wait. Cliche, I know...
Yeah exactly, I want all that! 2 years for me, and that barely counted, so 3 years in reality lol. Cliche but I believe that too - actually as I get older guys are all very understanding of that, waiting for sex has never been an issue. They usually show their douchiness before we get into a relationship so its onto the next lol.0 -
The part about insecurities is from my interpretation of personal experience. No one wants to have sex or be vulnerable without being comfortable with the other person. There are a few factors that I've expereinced with women regarding the speed at which that comfort occurs. Wanting to wait a longer time generally falls into three categories. The first is no sex without marriage for religious reasons. Almost always, this is ideologic and has nothing to do with insecurities (although not always). The second is a low libido and a general disinterest in sex. In this case waiting is a screen for finding a guy with a similarly low interest or a hope that the guy will see enough other great qualities to stick around in spite the low libido. Since you've mentioned that you have fooled around and indicated a desire for sex, if I were the guy in question, I would assume your libido was normal. From this, I'd chalk up your reason for needing more time to my third reason.
The third is mainly due to insecurities around self worth. Often it is a personal belief that sex is the only reason a guy could possibly be interested in her. This usually manifests with prolonged periods of "making the guy prove himself." I believe that most of the women in this category actually believe that they are just wanting to get comfortable. However, when it takes a long time to get comfortable and the comfort level can regress dramatically based on one negative experience despite numerous positive experiences it's because that negative experience just reinforces something in the woman's mind that tells her she is unlovable and only has value as a sex toy.
These are certainly all valid reasons, but are absolutely not the only reasons in existance. You are right, low sex drive is not an issue, and I'm an atheist so thats not an issue. But neither is insecurity.. Maybe add another reason to your list? Personal values. Sex is an important meaningful act to me, something that should be shared between 2 people that are committed to each other (not married, just in a relationship). I don't do casual sex, and I don't just have sex with every guy I date; in fact, it has been a few years since I've had sex. It just isn't something I take lightly, plain and simple.
Edit - Didn't mean this to come off snarky at all, just saying, there are other reasons.
Oh and you brought up the insecurities thing in reference to my not having him over yet, not sex, so not sure why that was brought up...him coming over/not coming over doesn't have anything to do with sex, we could just have sex at his place lol.0 -
UrbanLotus, you're right, I wouldn't throw him back into the sea just yet. However, I'd call him out on his chit next time you see him.
It seems that he's very quiet, introverted, and beta.. so you're going to have to grab the bull by the horns in this situation. If you really like him and the lack of communication is an issue for you, I'd bring it front and center next time you hang out.
And I can't be the only one thinking this, but waiting 8 hours to text back is shady as all hell. We all have our iPhones glued to our hands basically 24/7. There's no real reason why he should take that long to get back to you.0 -
UrbanLotus, you're right, I wouldn't throw him back into the sea just yet. However, I'd call him out on his chit next time you see him.
It seems that he's very quiet, introverted, and beta.. so you're going to have to grab the bull by the horns in this situation. If you really like him and the lack of communication is an issue for you, I'd bring it front and center next time you hang out.
And I can't be the only one thinking this, but waiting 8 hours to text back is shady as all hell. We all have our iPhones glued to our hands basically 24/7. There's no real reason why he should take that long to get back to you.
Yup, I agree with all this...and obv I think not writing back for 8 hours is not ok (not necessarily shady though), thats why I posted this. But he is not like that about his phone - I am and am constantly on it the minute he steps away, but he doesn't do that at all. He really is not a phone/technology person (and he has over a decade on you, that might explain the difference :P).0 -
The phone thing, 8 hrs of no replying back caught my attention. What's his job? I bring this up because due to the nature of my job, I can't have my phone with me. Camera, security issues, etc etc. I work in IT for a Naval base. Which brings another thought, does he work long/weird hours? I work graveyard and half the time my brain is not all there with the weird hours. I would be a bad boyfriend. Not only b/c I work weekends, I get Mon and Tues off, I'd be out of it and I can see myself forgetting to reply, being tired, not very communicative, etc etc. Stress at a job could also be a factor. If this was already covered, I apologize. I only skimmed the topic and didn't read every post.0
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The phone thing, 8 hrs of no replying back caught my attention. What's his job? I bring this up because due to the nature of my job, I can't have my phone with me. Camera, security issues, etc etc. I work in IT for a Naval base. Which brings another thought, does he work long/weird hours? I work graveyard and half the time my brain is not all there with the weird hours. I would be a bad boyfriend. Not only b/c I work weekends, I get Mon and Tues off, I'd be out of it and I can see myself forgetting to reply, being tired, not very communicative, etc etc. Stress at a job could also be a factor. If this was already covered, I apologize. I only skimmed the topic and didn't read every post.
Do you ever answer the phone when it rings during the day and not remember answering or you seems drunk? Haha0 -
Despite the fact that it's just relatively starting, the bottom line is this.
You communicate to him exactly how you like to have communication, which you've seem to all ready done. He seems in this little circle of appeasement than returns back to pattern. Whether or not a relationship is new, any person who doesn't change and goes back to an issue that was addressed...is not usually going to be worth the time.
To me, this guy is raising red flags to my douchedar.
He's using affectionate plying as an apology for his continued inaction and at this point out right ignoring of your actual wants. He's basically "hooking you along" either because he sees you as a backup until he either gets a primary woman or all ready has another primary woman going.
He's saying and doing all the right things when he's with you, but the moment he's not...
Most likely using these tactics on another woman or women...until he gets someone that's responsive to this game.
Of course, my opin.
I actually agree with a lot of this...
Not saying he is a d-bag though.
If you go back awhile in the threads I posted numerous times, and we had some good debates, over how much communication is necessary and how should people communicate.
I dated someone just like you are mentioning. He wouldn't text often, he would drop off mid text, he never called, he would never firm up plans right away, he would take 8 hours to respond.. it drove me MENTAL!
the final straw, we were talking and I said hey do you have a second (saying this so he didn't drop off, because I wanted to firm up plans) and I didn't hear from him for 2 days. He texts me and says 'sorry I guess that second passed' I called him out on it, and never heard from him again.
So from my experience, he is showing he just isn't that into you. I don't know... I mean my current boyfriend fits me perfectly. He is there just enough - not too little, not too much - I have never had a problem getting dates, getting them firmed up, going at my own speed, he brought up the exclusive talk himself (while in your case I can kinda see why he may be gun shy) ..... but from all my dating nightmares - if you are on MFP SP board asking for advice he isn't the best fit for you.
Trust your gut.
You called him on it once, he changed for a week, now he is back to his old ways! So this will be who he is -- you gotta decide if its something you can live with. But hashing it out 2x in 6 weeks of dating seems mighty pointless to me.0 -
My god people...
Not everyone has a day-to-day life when we have access to 'technology' to keep up with her standards of communication. Not all of us have desk jobs with email and/or internet access.
Give the guy a break or cut him loose... but don't blame him for not living up to YOUR standards without considering HIS.0
