Dating an uncommunicative guy - advice please?
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I'm not saying his communication is fine - I actually said it wasn't something I am ok with, and I told you to move on in my first post.
But what I am saying is, when you are dating someone you are only casual until you realize you want more and then at that point you should notice a switch in the way he is towards you (whether it be more dates, more intimacy, more communication, etc.) That is when you will see the gradual build... some talk about exclusivity sooner than others...
BUT until he decides he wants more then he will be seeing others, responding as he desires, making plans as he desires because he can do whatever he wants - as can you! Sure you both are dating in hopes for something serious, but just because you both want it doesn't mean he wants it with you (or you with him) so that could be the reason why you don't feel he communicates enough.....So going back to my first post, he just doesn't seem that into you.... After 9 dates and 6 weeks I would think you would see the gradual increase or exclusive talk if he was serious about you!!!!!!!!!!
ETA: I actually think dating multiple people until you want more with one is a good idea.
Ok got it, I think the intimacy and depth of our conversations, as well as frequency of our dates (ex - twice this weekend) has been increasing so I see what you're saying and it has been happening. As I've said several times, I'm not ready for the exclusiveness talk so I don't see why he should be either - doesn't mean I don't want to pursue a future with him so I wouldn't assume that for him either.
I posted this earlier today but I guess everyone missed it, we did have a discussion on Sunday and in that he said the bottom line was that he liked me and that I don't need to overanalyze or overthink things, he is a direct person and if he didn't want to pursue something serious with me we wouldn't be hanging out, he would tell me if he wasn't interested, and that I need to trust him on that. So there it is.0 -
You sound a little needy if you ask me . . . .0
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You sound a little needy if you ask me . . . .
LOL for wanting a guy to talk to me between dates? Seriously? Its called having standards, look into it.0 -
You sound a little needy if you ask me . . . .
LOL for wanting a guy to talk to me between dates? Seriously? Its called having standards, look into it.
There's really no need for personal attacks. I'm giving you honest feed back. You can say that these are 'standards' all you want but I don't get that impression at all. This seems more like a lack of confidence thing. I think that it's more about doubting yourself and you need him to call and check in or text in order to assure you that he still wants/desires you. Otherwise this whole thing wouldn't be such a big deal.0 -
You sound a little needy if you ask me . . . .
LOL for wanting a guy to talk to me between dates? Seriously? Its called having standards, look into it.
There's really no need for personal attacks. I'm giving you honest feed back. You can say that these are 'standards' all you want but I don't get that impression at all. This seems more like a lack of confidence thing. I think that it's more about doubting yourself and you need him to call and check in or text in order to assure you that he still wants/desires you. Otherwise this whole thing wouldn't be such a big deal.
You're right, there is no need for personal attacks, thats how your statement came off. And you are welcome to have whatever impression you want but you might want to understand the issue first. I never said I need him to call and check in to assure me that he still wants me - perhaps thats what you want so you're reading into this, but I never said anything of the sort. I want to TALK to him, to have a conversation, to share how my day was, to hear whats going on in his life. That is what happens in a relationship - at least in the kind that I want, and yes, those are my *standards*. I want to share my life with someone, not just hang out with them once in a while. If you think thats needy so be it, I'm needy. Cool.0 -
You're right, there is no need for personal attacks, thats how your statement came off. And you are welcome to have whatever impression you want but you might want to understand the issue first. I never said I need him to call and check in to assure me that he still wants me - perhaps thats what you want so you're reading into this, but I never said anything of the sort. I want to TALK to him, to have a conversation, to share how my day was, to hear whats going on in his life. That is what happens in a relationship - at least in the kind that I want, and yes, those are my *standards*. I want to share my life with someone, not just hang out with them once in a while. If you think thats needy so be it, I'm needy. Cool.
I think you're asking a lot for a guy that you're admittedly not in a relationship with. There's a difference between liking when someone calls/texts and shares their day and getting upset because they don't call or share their day with you (which you clearly are hence the creation of this thread). At these early stages in dating it might be best to focus on making your time together a positive experiences rather than getting upset over something that, in my opinion, is pretty trivial.
If it's that important to you it might be best to just move on. Either he's not a big 'chat on the phone about his day' guy (which is clearly something that's a standard for you) or he's just not that into you. Personally I think your missing the forest for the trees.0 -
You're right, there is no need for personal attacks, thats how your statement came off. And you are welcome to have whatever impression you want but you might want to understand the issue first. I never said I need him to call and check in to assure me that he still wants me - perhaps thats what you want so you're reading into this, but I never said anything of the sort. I want to TALK to him, to have a conversation, to share how my day was, to hear whats going on in his life. That is what happens in a relationship - at least in the kind that I want, and yes, those are my *standards*. I want to share my life with someone, not just hang out with them once in a while. If you think thats needy so be it, I'm needy. Cool.
I think you're asking a lot for a guy that you're admittedly not in a relationship with. There's a difference between liking when someone calls/texts and shares their day and getting upset because they don't call or share their day with you (which you clearly are hence the creation of this thread). At these early stages in dating it might be best to focus on making your time together a positive experiences rather than getting upset over something that, in my opinion, is pretty trivial.
If it's that important to you it might be best to just move on. Either he's not a big 'chat on the phone about his day' guy (which is clearly something that's a standard for you) or he's just not that into you. Personally I think your missing the forest for the trees.
I'm not getting upset, I'm concerned about the future and how this is going to progress - yes, you are right, he is a nice guy, he is doing good things. But I don't know how we can build anything without regular communication. I'm used to guys wanting to keep in constant contact - as annoying as that is someimes, I get to know them very well. Everyone keeps talking about how its been 10 dates and I should know how I feel by now...well, I don't, because I don't know him that well...because we don't communicate.
I'm not sitting here getting upset daily, nor am I showing this to him at all - every time we hang out it is a positive experience, I have never clearly talked to him about this issue so I don't know how my discussing this here/with friends means our time together isn't a positive experience - one has nothing to do with the other, and it seems like you are repeatedly making assumptions that are untrue.
BUT as I have said a few times now, I'm going with it and believing him when he says he wants to pursue something serious with me and I will discuss this issue with him at some point, just like I'm sure we will discuss other relationship expectations, and then I'll figure out if this or anything else is a dealbreaker.0 -
So the problem is:
- You may be asking too much from someone you are not exclusive with: you want guarantees that you normally can only have from a committed relationship before being actually committed. This is the "no-risk no-win" attitude. People will give you back what you put in them, or less.
- You may be in front of a truly uncommunicative man, and this would be an issue for you. In this case when and how do you suggest you should communicate more then?0 -
I want to TALK to him, to have a conversation, to share how my day was, to hear whats going on in his life. That is what happens in a relationship - at least in the kind that I want, and yes, those are my *standards*. I want to share my life with someone, not just hang out with them once in a while.
This is our case in point - you AREN'T in a relationship but you want what you get from being in a relationship... so you either put up with it until you are exclusive or move on... but you can't have relationship ideals when not in a relationship!
ETA: Mind you, alot of men will give you this before you are exclusive - my current BF did, as did others in my past. But not all men will, and I guess it all leads back to ???is he just not that into you???0 -
But not all men will, and I guess it all leads back to ???is he just not that into you???
Sigh. Again...he said the bottom line was that he liked me and that I don't need to overanalyze or overthink things, he is a direct person and if he didn't want to pursue something serious with me we wouldn't be hanging out, he would tell me if he wasn't interested, and that I need to trust him on that. So there it is.
So why are you so insistent that he isn't into me?0 -
I want to TALK to him, to have a conversation, to share how my day was, to hear whats going on in his life. That is what happens in a relationship - at least in the kind that I want, and yes, those are my *standards*. I want to share my life with someone, not just hang out with them once in a while.
This is our case in point - you AREN'T in a relationship but you want what you get from being in a relationship... so you either put up with it until you are exclusive or move on... but you can't have relationship ideals when not in a relationship!
ETA: Mind you, alot of men will give you this before you are exclusive - my current BF did, as did others in my past. But not all men will, and I guess it all leads back to ???is he just not that into you???
I'm with the OP here. I dont think it's too much to ask that you base your long term happiness on your dating experience. After all, why would you want to get into a long term relationship that isn't working for you at the dating stage? Isn't the dating stage all about getting to know each other and deciding if you're right for each other longer term? People don't miraculously change overnight. If the guys not the communicative type now, then I would bet that he isnt in a relationship either.
Like I said previously Urban, you either accept him as he is, or you move on. Trying to change people isnt usually a long term fix. And I don't think it has anything to do with him being into you - It's not set in stone that the more communicative someone is, is the more they like you!! Just not all people are into talking!! You are! He isn't! I have dated non talking guys and they dont work for me. And actually, if experience is anything to go by, I found that they actually made more of an effort to talk in the beginning!!! :laugh: IE, the 'problem' (mine, not his! They guy doesnt see being the quiet type as a prob) just got worse..........:flowerforyou:0 -
I don't disagree Anna whatsoever, I would have already decided he wasn't for me and moved on!
Everyone has different expectations and what they do in the 'casual' dating scene. You can't expect something of someone if you aren't exclusive and had a talk... but then again if you do expect it and don't get it, you need to move on.0 -
Anna, thank you, I'm glad someone understands! I am going to talk to him about it clearly, one time - not trying to change or control him, but I think its important that people set out their relationship expectations up front. If he says he is just not like that/can't do that/doesn't want to communicate, I will move on because that isn't what I want from a relationship. But he deserves to know what I want before I just up and move on because I assume he isn't what I want.To OP, if he has told you that then you have to trust it and either go with it or move on..... I don't see the point of your post then.
OMG. Kim. My original post was last week. We had this talk on Sunday, AFTER the original post. I have posted the same thing several times, that it was on *Sunday*, that it is an *update* to my original post. And I said the exact same thing, that I am going to trust him and go with it. If you aren't going to read my responses why bother responding?0 -
I do read them, and I know the update was from Sunday.... but you keep argueing it.... and now say you are going to talk to him about it but you already did!
I am just lost in your reasoning here, so I bow out.0 -
I do read them, and I know the update was from Sunday.... but you keep argueing it.... and now say you are going to talk to him about it but you already did!
I am just lost in your reasoning here, so I bow out.
Maybe you're lost because you aren't reading what I'm saying or are making assumptions that are incorrect...If you know the update was after the original post, why did you say you didn't see the reason for my post? I cannot predict the future - at the time I made the original post, I did not know he was going to say these things a few days later.
And no, I didn't talk to him about the communication issue, we were talking about something *else*, which is when he said he would tell me if he wasn't interested etc. So yes, I am still going to talk to him about it because I haven't done so yet. Hope this is clear now.0 -
We had an issue about him not texting me back 2 weeks ago, so I talked to him about it a bit, thought all was good and he seemed to be improving as far as responding, but not initiating.
Sorry this is what I was referring to in the sense you had spoke about it. My confusion. Good luck
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this sounds like a solid plan!Anna, thank you, I'm glad someone understands! I am going to talk to him about it clearly, one time - not trying to change or control him, but I think its important that people set out their relationship expectations up front. If he says he is just not like that/can't do that/doesn't want to communicate, I will move on because that isn't what I want from a relationship. But he deserves to know what I want before I just up and move on because I assume he isn't what I want.0
