Eating Disorder/Self-Sabotage
go52182
Posts: 133 Member
Ladies I’m having a problem and I’m hoping some of you have been here and can lend some advice.
I have been an overeater my whole life but I didn’t start binge eating until I was about 28 years old. This was when my daughter’s dad and I parted ways and I moved into an apartment with my daughter. When he would come pick her up, and this still happens today, my mind is like “woo hoo party time!” But I don’t want to drink alcohol, I want to eat!
My whole adult life I have been a yo-yoer and I’ve picked up exercised and put it down here and there. Only in 2018 did I discover that I love weightlifting. And since that time I have been rocking it and I absolutely love going to the gym. I have hit some bumps in the road but I keep going back to the gym. In June of last year I hurt my shoulder in the gym so I stopped exercising hoping it would heal. Two months later it hadn’t healed and I gained all the fat and weight back I’d lost. In August I went back to the gym and slowly started lifting again. Wouldn’t you know, it fixed my shoulder! How amazing is that?? 😄
Because of my eating disorder and the dream physique I have for myself I’ve never wanted to eat the recommended calories. Even with MFP giving me 1200 I still had the idea of around 1000 cal every day. So eating those calories did exactly what I’ve read that would do and caused me to crave food very badly and caused me to continue to binge. Only at the beginning of this month did I decide to give myself the recommended 1500 cal a day and this was absolutely life-changing for me. My favorite binge food is peanut butter toast, I cannot get enough! So with eating 1500 cal a day I am able to fit in two pieces of toast with two tablespoons of peanut butter and life was amazing! Last Friday I weighed myself (I randomly weigh myself because it can make me obsessive if I do it too much) and found that since August I am down 20 pounds (from 157 to 137)! And three of those pounds have come since I have diligently tracked and eaten the 1500 cal since the beginning of this month! I was absolutely elated and so proud of myself!
So here’s the problem... My daughter went with her dad last night and I had a massive binge. This binge was so bad my stomach was hurting and I was so, so full when I went to bed. I have no idea why I kept eating and eating and eating… I went to bed full of regret, disgust, and self-loathing.
I don’t know why throughout my adult life when I see that I’m making progress and I am really proud of myself a massive binge happens. I’m not gonna let it derail me but I don’t understand why this keeps happening… If I try to analyze it, it seems like deep down I must feel like I don’t deserve it? When I get close to something this other part of me pulls me back. Why??
Has/does this happen to any of you? Have any of you defeated this self-sabotage? I truly don’t understand why and how this happens but it always does and it makes me sad. ☹️
I have been an overeater my whole life but I didn’t start binge eating until I was about 28 years old. This was when my daughter’s dad and I parted ways and I moved into an apartment with my daughter. When he would come pick her up, and this still happens today, my mind is like “woo hoo party time!” But I don’t want to drink alcohol, I want to eat!
My whole adult life I have been a yo-yoer and I’ve picked up exercised and put it down here and there. Only in 2018 did I discover that I love weightlifting. And since that time I have been rocking it and I absolutely love going to the gym. I have hit some bumps in the road but I keep going back to the gym. In June of last year I hurt my shoulder in the gym so I stopped exercising hoping it would heal. Two months later it hadn’t healed and I gained all the fat and weight back I’d lost. In August I went back to the gym and slowly started lifting again. Wouldn’t you know, it fixed my shoulder! How amazing is that?? 😄
Because of my eating disorder and the dream physique I have for myself I’ve never wanted to eat the recommended calories. Even with MFP giving me 1200 I still had the idea of around 1000 cal every day. So eating those calories did exactly what I’ve read that would do and caused me to crave food very badly and caused me to continue to binge. Only at the beginning of this month did I decide to give myself the recommended 1500 cal a day and this was absolutely life-changing for me. My favorite binge food is peanut butter toast, I cannot get enough! So with eating 1500 cal a day I am able to fit in two pieces of toast with two tablespoons of peanut butter and life was amazing! Last Friday I weighed myself (I randomly weigh myself because it can make me obsessive if I do it too much) and found that since August I am down 20 pounds (from 157 to 137)! And three of those pounds have come since I have diligently tracked and eaten the 1500 cal since the beginning of this month! I was absolutely elated and so proud of myself!
So here’s the problem... My daughter went with her dad last night and I had a massive binge. This binge was so bad my stomach was hurting and I was so, so full when I went to bed. I have no idea why I kept eating and eating and eating… I went to bed full of regret, disgust, and self-loathing.
I don’t know why throughout my adult life when I see that I’m making progress and I am really proud of myself a massive binge happens. I’m not gonna let it derail me but I don’t understand why this keeps happening… If I try to analyze it, it seems like deep down I must feel like I don’t deserve it? When I get close to something this other part of me pulls me back. Why??
Has/does this happen to any of you? Have any of you defeated this self-sabotage? I truly don’t understand why and how this happens but it always does and it makes me sad. ☹️
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Replies
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Hey there. I am a food addict and binge eater with a history of disordered eating throughout my life. When I was young, it was annorexia and then quickly bulimia. Now I realize that I am an emotional eater, and I have taken a lot of steps throughout my journey to address this issue (and I still am on this journey), and to discover tools that work for me. I have also engaged help along the way, in the form of therapists, light workers (reiki, massage, holistic approaches, and therapy related to opening myself up emotionally), support groups, and reading.
So, I think that recognizing your problem is a strong step in the right direction. There is a group here in MFP called Emotional Eaters. You might continue to explore there with us who have had similar experiences.
What the next step is, looks different for everyone. For me, I found a lot of power in educating myself about food addiction and emotional eating. I picked up a lot of books, and started to learn about why some people do this, and thinking about my own situation.
Next, I did some introspective work, that included things like meditation, journaling, and overall just contemplating and FEELING what I was going through. I have been through divorce; I know what you mean when you write about the emotional difficulties of that. I have been through LIFE...and I know the difficulties of THAT. Life brings a lot to shuffle through, and my default has always been food -- oh, that and self-harm.
When I could realize this, I started on a journey of trying to love myself. Ha! Now, as you can guess, that's not easy, and it's a work in progress. But I realized that hating on myself was NOT what I wanted to do anymore. That's a step.
Then comes discovering what you need, and what works well for you in terms of falling in love with yourself, which for me looks like honoring where I am and what I need, working on my voice, being honest, and most of all, practicing BEING PRESENT (because I have a default of running away from emotinally-tough things and feelings).
And, finally, compassion. It's hard. But how can you cultivate compassion for yourself in every. single. thing?
You suck at life today? How can you bring compassion? You just ate three days worth of calories in one sitting? How can you bring compassion? You can't sleep because your belly is so full that it feels like you swallowed a boulder? You gained 60 pounds in three weeks? You failed the test you studied for for three years? Your kid just told you you're fat? Your husband left you? I mean...how. can. you. find. compassion. for. yourself.
That's the question. And that's the journey.3 -
ladyzherra wrote: »That's the question. And that's the journey.
Wow. You've been through a LOT and done a lot of work on yourself! Congratulations!
I know there has to be an issue I need to resolve, eating like this is not something an emotionally healthy person does.
After all the work you've done do you still find yourself struggling or is this something we will face the rest of our lives?0 -
@go52182 A lot of work has been done, and there is still whole lot of work to be done, truth be told. I think that this work is a life's project; sometimes that is overwhelming and sometimes it's empowering. There is no doubt, though, that I have made a lot of progress and that big changes have happened for the better. On the other hand, I cannot see this work ever being done. Maybe I am wrong, but I have that mindset so that I do not get discouraged and so that I keep my focus for the long term.
I do believe that one day I will be able to eat without an emotional connection to the food; that I can eat because I am hungry and then stop when I am no longer hungry, and have this be the central motivation for eating. I see that future for myself.
I am about 20 years into my journey of overcoming binge eating and emotional eating. I learn new things about myself and new tools to help me often. I don't think that healing comes overnight for most people, but perhaps it can. I think that when you believe something, it can often manifest.3 -
I'm not sure whereabouts you live, but have you considered going to Overeaters anonymous meetings? Its for people with all kinds of EDs. If there's none in your area there are online meetings too! Stay strong 💗1
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You know, ladies, I probably should have mentioned this in my post. I am an introvert. Stepping out to seek help is not something that we feel comfortable doing. I know going to a group or seeing a counselor/therapist would be really beneficial but thinking about it gives me anxiety. So I know that is something I won't be considering.
In my post I mainly reached out wanting to know if anyone has any insight as to why my binges happen after a victory, if this happens to others, too. And curious if anyone has been able to win this battle on their own and share their experience.
I appreciate the willingness to help.
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I can relate to this SO MUCH! And I hope you know having those moments every once in a while is ok! Binge eating is very much like an addiction and, unfortunately, it's not something that can just get turned off forever. It can sometimes be a rebellious thing - by knowing you don't want to binge anymore, in the back of your mind it's tempting to just do it anyway!
Thank you for sharing your story! If you'd ever want to chat more, feel free to shoot me a DM at @kristinaouellettefit on Instagram!2 -
kristinaouellettefit wrote: »I can relate to this SO MUCH!
It's always nice to know we're not alone and not the only ones battling this wreckless demon we have inside!2 -
I've actually found for me, that adjusting my goals a bit (slower losses) and planning in a "binge" meal (for lack of a better term) at least once a week on average helps me stay on track more often than not.
It's the longer road, but it seems to be working for me. I took a diet break over the holidays and into the new year, and I've managed to maintain all my previous losses (even with an injury and severe work stress in there).
Getting back on the loss-wagon again, but making sure I'm keeping those occasional large meals in my schedule and just accepting my overall loss will be slower - but it is seeming a LOT more sustainable!!2 -
I can relate too. Imo, if you are here on MFP, chances are that you have (or at least had) a distorted view of consuming food.
Even though I consider myself in a good place right now, I know there are moments where all reason and mindfulness seems to shut down and a very basic part of my brain takes over and then I will eat everything that is available without thinking until my body hurts. Sometimes I can counter this situation, sometimes not. But if this happens now, I’ll try to get a grip and continue with healthy habits as soon as possible as where in the past, it was often a start of an ‘upwards trent’ om the yo-yo line.1 -
I wanted to add a practical suggestion. If you struggle right after he picks her up, then maybe you can plan something next time. Plan to leave to go to the bookstore, or go get coffee or some other thing that gets you out of the house and the habit and routine of being at home and wanting to eat the food that’s there. Knowing it’s coming up means you can think about what the trigger to start eating is and figure out how to switch it up. Hope that helps a little!5
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Or if you’d rather not go out, you can plan to do your nails, or a puzzle, or try to complete a lesson on Duolingo etc. Something that engages both your mind and fingers.0
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@malimalai I agree. I like the Emotional Eating group. It's been very helpful for me.
@go52182 I am also very introverted (INFJ). However, I do like being around people that I love and trust, and I like adventure and going out and about sometimes. Even introverts can take steps to attend things that are nurturting for them, if under the right circumstances. Plus, there are lots of virtual supports and opportunities these days.1 -
I binge to self-soothe when I'm emotionally distraught. It seems that during those times all the other self-care techniques I've found successful over the years (warm bath, a long walk, talking to a friend) are of limited use. There's something about being full of the point of pain that gets my mind off whatever is disturbing me. I can then focus my mind entirely on my discomfort and the evil twin, self-loathing. For me, acknowledging this to myself has helped. I don't keep trigger foods in the house--peanut butter, popcorn, nuts. For me, salty, crunchy is what I crave so I just don't keep those in the house. Instead, I've recognized that when I'm distraught there's a part of me which is scary aggressive..not homicidal but I just feel this wave of aggression...so lately what has been working (don't laugh!) is cleaning! Today I'm distraught about the impact of CV on our lives (we think our son's school will close, which will totally mess with graduation..he's a senior), our vacation plans are canceled (we had planned on Italy)..and it is no one's fault, and my problems are first world problems...but I'm still irrationally upset. Our house now virtually emanates the odors of ammonia and bleach!4
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[ShredWeek1 wrote: »...so lately what has been working (don't laugh!) is cleaning! Today I'm distraught about the impact of CV on our lives (we think our son's school will close, which will totally mess with graduation..he's a senior), our vacation plans are canceled (we had planned on Italy)..and it is no one's fault, and my problems are first world problems...but I'm still irrationally upset. Our house now virtually emanates the odors of ammonia and bleach!
The CV panic, which seemed to come out of nowhere and consume our entire planet in a week, has somehow put things in perspective for me. If nothing else, I'm feeling as though eating in a healthy fashion isn't so much for vanity or petty reasons but for mere survival. We all of us need all the stamina we can muster.
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I've had the same issues my whole teenage and adult life and last year I listened to the Beck Diet Solution during my commutes and I've started using the "Response Cards" she talks about, and it has helped me so very much. She teaches how to use Cognitive Behavioral Therapy tools to recognize and response to our sabotaging thoughts. There's a workbook that goes along with it too.
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@iwanttobeunderweight What you described, the binging and starving, is this something you're still going through?0
